On the brink of death!

On the brink of death!

 A Novel by Sanjay Sonawani


1



The name on the brass plaque on the large Iron Gate and on the visiting card I held in my hand matched. I had finally located the residence of Mr. S. Varadrajan after endless search through illogically crisscrossed alleys.

I tried to attract the attention of the dozing chowkidar, who after several loud calls opened his eyes and peered at me myopically through the small window of his security cabin.

"What's it?" he seemed visibly irritated.

"I’m here to meet Mr. Varadrajan for some urgent work.” I said trying to elaborate urgency.

"At this hour?" he asked incredulously.

"Yes. He has asked me to see him immediately, that's what the message said."

"I am sorry, but Saab is sleeping now. Come tomorrow."

"But the message, you see, said it was very urgent... that I see Varadrajan Saab immediately. So why not open the gate and let me in?"

"No, Saab” he said firmly, "I cannot let you in. I don't think Varadrajan Saab has called you or else he would have left instructions for me."

"Look, the message was left for me by Thyagarajan Saab. You know him, don’t you? He can't lie. Neither am I crazy to knock on other people’s doors at this time of the night," I said trying not to lose my cool. "Thyagarajan Saab told my wife that even if I come home at midnight, I should see your Saab at once regarding some urgent work."

I do not know whether he heard my statement completely, but Thyagarajan’s name seemed to bring him to his senses.

"It's strange," he grumbled under his breath as he got up from the comfort of his chair to come up to the gate.

"Do you have anything written with you?" he asked.

"No," I said patiently. “ What I have is a card of your Saab left to me by Mr. Thyagarajan.”

"Then you tell me, how I can wake up my boss, huh? He will just kick my ass and throw me out of the job."

"That is not my problem, Tambi,” I said with a shrug, trying to keep a check on my rising irritation. I was tired and badly in need of a good night’s sleep. Many days of sailing in rough waters had taken its toll on me. "Okay, I will come tomorrow during the day… and I’ll tell your Saab how insolent you were tonight."

I turned towards my Yezdi, angry with Thyagarajan. If he weren’t my strong support, I wouldn't have paid any heed to any message, urgent or not, at such time of the night weary as I was.

"Wait a minute… Let me check." The guard called out as he went back to the cabin leaving me to contemplate my thoughts on the other side of the massive iron gates studded with sharp spikes.



I did not know who Varadrajan was. Lately, I had encountered very few gentry. Since the death of my father a couple of month’s back, I had adopted the lifestyle of a fisherman. Before that I had been employed as assistant manager in Tarapore Fishing Corporation. Though frankly speaking, the designation did not reflect the work I had to perform. I was for all practical purposes just an ordinary clerk, preparing bills, sending memos, kowtowing to my umpteen number of bosses voicing a respectful 'Yes, sir', 'No, sir', depending on what I felt at that moment their inflated egos needed to hear. God! What a dull, monotonous life was I leading! Then the death of my father at the hands of the Coast Guards changed my world completely. Many truths came forth that shook the very foundations of my sedate world. How could I ever believe that my tight-lipped, frail-bodied father with all his dumb, ignorant reactions was involved with the LTTE! But I had to digest the bitter reality; howsoever shocking it might seem. Isn't life like that, after all?



The guard was speaking humbly to someone over the telephone.

After few moments he put the receiver down and rushed to the gate, his now visibly servile behavior and the scowl on his face telling a different story altogether - that he had been at receiving end.

Opening the gate, he asked me to enter.

"Go right in. Just knock on the door,” he said deferentially, muttering in the same breath, “These bosses…hell! Why can they not inform me who is coming?”



Leaving my motorcycle under the watchful eye of the chowkidar, I walked briskly up the gravel driveway lined on either side with neatly trimmed bushes silhouetted by dim lamps that lit the way right up to the house, my mind too preoccupied to appreciate the well manicured lawns sporting a large pond with goldfish and water lilies in it. I was wondering, why on earth would some unknown person send urgent summons for me to rush to his place, more so at an odd hour like this.

My hand was poised to ring the bell when an old maid opened the door.

"Come in, Mr. Venugopal.... Saab is waiting for you upstairs."



I climbed slowly up the wide staircase trailing my hand on the ornately carved balustrade as my awe struck eyes took in the exquisite beauty of the main hall done up in plush leather covered couches, exquisite antiques placed on low, intrinsically carved rosewood tables, the walls lined with paintings by masters, a Persian carpet that extended wall to wall, and a huge aquarium in which beautiful fishes swam as though keeping a silent never ending vigil.

Upstairs, at the far end of a wide gallery that lead to a huge French window overlooking the lawns, I was confronted with the sight of an old man dressed in a white linen shirt and a white lungi reclining in an easy chair made of cane.

"Good evening, Sir... I am Venugopal... Mr. Thyagarajan told me to…"

"Sit down." He cut me short, nodding towards another chair placed in front of him.

A cold shiver coursed through my body as I lowered myself into the chair I was directed towards. This always happened to me whenever I had any strange encounter, like this one, with unknown persons.

Minutes slowly ticked by. I waited expectantly for the old man who sat seemingly lost in some deep thought to say something. Given my wild imagination, even I could not fathom what sort of urgent work could this old man have with a person like me. The silence was disconcerting.



"So, you are Venugopal?" he said at last.

"Yes, sir."

"I heard that you own a trawler and that you are a very hardworking and honest young man. Is it so?"

Did he not know of modesty? How could I boast of my abilities?

I said nothing, trying to gauge as to what he was getting at.

"I am sorry I cannot offer you anything at this moment. I hope you won’t mind."

"It's alright," I said most amiably, not that I could not have done with a large whisky to relax my tired bones.

"Do you know for whom your father worked?"

The question came to me like a bolt of lightning. Never since the death of my father had I been reminded as to which organization my father worked for and why.

Immediately my guard went up. I said nothing preferring to maintain a cautious silence.

"I knew him well… a great soul indeed! A man with tremendous determination, faith and valour he was. Yes, that he certainly was. I respected him deeply... intensely. Do you know he lost his life for the cause of the Tamils...for the land of Dravids? His sacrifice has come to mean a great ideal to us. You do not know of what a great soul you are an offspring! He was a quiet, secretive and determined person who would go to any length for the cause he believed in. Never would he disclose anything to anybody, even to his own self. A great man indeed!"

What he was saying was nauseating. I had never been able to get myself to forgive my father for what he had been - an undercover agent of the militant group, the Tamil Tigers.

It then dawned upon me that this old man too was a member of the same Tamil Tigers for whom I had a deep-seated hatred. Weren't these the very people who had very recently caused the horrifying death of the great charismatic Indian leader Rajeev Gandhi? Ironically, that too in Tamil Nadu, the state belonging to Tamils! They were the brutal murderers of a young dynamic man who was determined to uplift a nation, to give it a global identity.



I remained silent knowing it would be pointless to debate this fanatic, trying hard as he was in the middle of the night to impress upon me as to how deeply he respected my father. Ah!

"Sorry," he said in a voice, which could warm the coldest of hearts. "Destiny has been written. The day is not far when Tamils will win back their lost pride. They will have their own motherland. It is the truth and truth is bound to prevail.

“You know how the Tamils are being tortured mercilessly in Sri Lanka. How we can sit tight and watch the genocide of the people in whose veins our own blood flows? Your father too was much concerned about it. I mourn his death… But it’s only after many patriots like him sacrifice their lives will the goal be achieved.”

Controlling a desperate rage that was growing within me to hammer some sense into the old man, I sat still saying nothing,

"…And a great responsibility is awaiting you, too," he said looking me in my eyes, a pleading in his gaze.

Uneasy at the prospect of what lay ahead, I shifted my position. He was trying to pull me in the same bloody game they were in!

"I am sorry, sir, but I cannot be involved in anything like this. I have my own life to lead. I know who my father was, and I do not forgive him for what he did. I know the Tamils are facing problems in Sri Lanka, but I do not have any sympathy for them since they, for whatsoever reason, have with conscious deliberation elected to go against the law of the very land they rushed to settle in centuries ago….

“Ethnic problems are meaningless to me in the light of the era we are living in. Bloodshed and conflicts will yield nothing but hatred. And I’m against that." I said in a heady rush not hearing my own voice over the loud thumping of my heart.

The old man heard me without batting an eyelid.

"I understand,” he said with a wan smile as I finished.

“You are young and youngsters have the right to entertain wild thoughts, at times. They lack in logic and an understanding of the threads that form the fabric of society of which they are but an intrinsic part. My son, true understanding is reached only after suffering many pains and disgusting experiences. Refrain yourself from the thoughts that possess you. I am not asking you to carry guns and shoot people aimlessly. No. Trust me. I simply want the little help you can render me without disturbing your life."

"I’m sorry, I cannot be of any help to you." I said in resistance and began to rise from my chair.



"Wait."

His voice was changed now. There was no sign of the earlier gentleness of an old man indulging a young child; it cut through the dark night with the keenness of a finely honed razor.

"First, listen what I wish to say, you young fool. Then reject it, if you must. You know not of the consequences of such action.”

Logic is useless before such diehard fanatics. I had no choice but to listen to the obnoxious old man.

"Your father was greatly respected by the Tamil Tigers high command. He shipped weapons and men for our cause. He never disobeyed our orders because he knew very well what fatal outcome its disobedience could bring upon him! Now, you too listen to me."

Blood rushed to my head, the pent-up anger against my father and the old man’s derisive manner ready to explode in violence any moment. For the first time in my life, was I being subjected to such impertinence. Exercising restraint, I sat down once again to hear him out.

His tone changed again. Words were rolling out of his lips with the same gentleness with which he had first addressed me.

" We need you. For once at least! May be then when you complete the assignment, you can be on your own, no one from our side will ever bother you! "

I said nothing.

" Listen son,” he leaned forward and whispered, “Let us not beat around the bush. We need you. At present, there is no one that I can think of who can do the job for us. This job can fetch you a fortune. You can even buy a new trawler and live happily ever after.”

So, this was the reason, I thought to myself. They must be in some sort of a jam and at the eleventh hour, can't get any assistance from their numerous own trusted people.

But what on earth they wanted me to do I wasn’t interested in?

" I am sorry. I am not interested in any assignment from you. That I already have told you - I can't be used against my will. Not even for money… Sir.”

The old man leaned back in the chair with a sigh, his legs outstretched, staring out of the window at the pond below in the center of the lawn.

He must be gathering his thoughts and working out how I could be made to do his biding against my wishes, I thought.

"We can get people. There are thousands who would consume cyanide without raising a question, if ordered so. But the situation at hand is strange and different….

“I truly lack in bargaining skills. Threats... I hate them. But what else can I do at such times when an obstinate young man shuts his eyes to the stark realities of life? Let me cut it short. First, let me tell you what kind of a job we want you to do for us. "

He leant forward and looking me straight in the eyes for a few moments continued, "We have a package that we want to ship immediately to the north coast of Sri Lanka. Once you deliver the package, we will never contact you again. This is a promise of a gentleman. But the package should reach the coast safely. Once the job is done you can come back, collect your reward, and be a happy man.

"Of course, as you have rightly said, you have every right to refuse my offer. We cannot force a person against his will. We believe in freedom of speech and freedom of action. And that is the very cause we are fighting for. But you are also aware that people do change depending on the situations they are faced with.... At least during such crucial times when one is desperate to reach ones chosen goal, one has to neglect certain violations of ethics in the larger interest of the cause."

His voice was growing fervid and his eyes blazed with the passion of a man possessed as he continued,

"And such violations mean lot of things, my dear obstinate child! For instance, we can arrange that no one buys your catch. No sailor or fisherman works for you, that you get no harbouring facilities. Your fishing license too can be revoked. Oh, and if you do somehow manage to overcome these obstacles, we will see to it that you are delivered a pair of the finest crutches to help you go about your daily chores. Yes, yes, you know we would most certainly do that for you, even if you are not willing to follow my instructions. After all you are the son of one our most respected men!"



A chill ran down my spine. I knew very well that they could very easily do this to me given the state government's clandestine support and the organization’s large network of informers and supporters within public. But even then, it was not so simple a matter to accept the job and sail the open seas ferrying contraband to the Lankan coast. The Indian Coast Guard had so greatly intensified patrolling the waters separating the two nations that even a deep-sea fish could not enter the shallow water of the coast without being detected.

Uneasily, I changed my position looking at the floor trying to think of a way out of this predicament. I cursed myself for having choosing to come here on the behest of that bloody Thyagarajan. Now here I was in a Catch 22 situation, caught in finely laid trap. I had little doubt of the subtle threats just given by this old man. I knew very well how deeply the LTTE had penetrated its roots in Tamil Nadu. Everyday, shocking true stories of the militant group’s deeds was being reported by the media since the bloody assassination of Rajiv Gandhi. And rumors on their own were never ending. The entire state was in torment.



Just then, it occurred to me, why not just accept the job, then go directly to the police and inform them about this bastard and his plans? The police would protect me. They would arrest this bastard and put him through the wringer.... The thought pleased me. It seemed to be my only escape.

"O.K. I accept.“

I said in a defeated voice. ”You have left me with no choice. But I sincerely beg you, could you not find someone else who can be of better assistance to you for I am so ignorant in such things”

“No. You are the best in our knowledge. We know we can trust you. After all, you too are a Tamil. We know you will not let us down.”

“No,“ I said quietly. “This is little difficult to explain. I do not as yet know of the risks involved in this undertaking. I am putting my trust in what destiny has in store for me when I accept your assignment, whether I like it or not. Not that I am afraid of threats. Whenever I set sail on the vast waters of the sea, I am never sure that I will return safe and sound. But I am a sailor and I love the sea and the challenges it throws up. But this all is indigestible to me for I never thought such misfortune befalls me. I obey the laws of this country and so shall ever after. And again I wish I lived to see my children grow young. I understand you are capable enough to cause damage to my life hence I do accept but I only hope that some day I come back and begin a new life with no trouble from you people.

“Let me also clear one thing. If the Coast Guard suspect me and search the trawler and if your package is dangerous enough to indict me, naturally, you too will not be spared the heat.”

“Son,” the old man chuckled, ”Don’t worry yourself too much about the package. It is safe. The Coast Guards will not suspect you if you keep your mouth shut and act smart. The chances of you being caught are one in a hundred, so why worry?”

There was a strong note of assurance in his voice, which surprised me.

“It is my wish to remain a sailor as long as I live,” I said averting his gaze. “I dream of the day when I will own a large fleet of trawlers. I will need all the money I can make…. So may I ask, how much will you pay me for all the risks I am going to take?”

"Good. Good.” said the bastard without a trace of any emotion on his face. "Money is not a problem. As I have told you, you will deliver this package at the given destination and you will get fifty lakhs of rupees, in cash.”

Never in my life had I made a deal of such sort. I did not know whether I put it rightly. "Half before, If it suits you,” I said.

"You really are a smart businessman!” laughed self-contented. “O.K. This can be done. Half before, half on completion of the assignment. We never cheat, you know. Your father never ran after money. After all, he was a man of the cause. But you belong to the young generation, having no values that you respect. But it's alright, you’ll get your money."

"What about the package? Are there arms involved?" I tried to sound genuine as if really I had accepted his assignment.

He gave a bemused smile.

"It may be anything, son, why worry?"

"But there is tight security on the shore. The Coast Guard checks all trawlers before they set sail. How can I be sure that I won’t be caught me red-handed?"

"The package you are to ferry across is very small, son. No one will ever suspect you of carrying it with you. Believe me, unless we were absolutely sure of it, we wouldn't have relied on the services of an amateur like you. Satisfied? "

"When am I supposed to sail?"

"Tomorrow. Be at home. As soon as we are ready, someone will contact you over the phone."

"But I am not feeling safe. Suppose I get arrested?"

"In the first place, this won't ever happen. But even if by any unforeseen chance such a calamity does befall you, we will see to it that you are released with no charge."

I nodded reluctantly. My mind was already rushing elsewhere. Whom should I confide in… which police station... which officer… so little knowledge I had about the legal system!



"Thanks for accepting our little job. I will remember this forever. Now you may leave."

I stood up and without any further exchange of pleasantries headed for the stairs.

"Just a moment, son.” He called out from behind.

I froze on the spot.

"Don’t even let the thought of double-crossing us come to your mind. From this very moment, you are under surveillance. So don’t fool around, just go home and have a good night’s sleep that you need so badly.”

Stunned, I looked back. His lips were twisted in a mirthless smile. A knot tightened in my belly, and my legs became wooden stamps. It seemed as though the bastard had read my mind.

I wanted to say something…I wanted to shout at the motherfucker who knew he had me by my balls. But my throat turned dry, I could not utter a single word.

Run... run away from this stupid dream, someone yelled from within the depths of my mind.



As I kick started my battered Yezdi to life, I saw that what he said was true. Two cars were now parked on the opposite side of the road, and as I took the road home, both the vehicles started following me at a respectable distance.

Unwittingly in answering that bloody Thayagrajan’s urgent message what a royal mess I had landed myself in! I had no courage left now to turn my bike towards any police station. I knew very well that they must be armed. And if I did try anything stupid, I would end up with the word `Late ' before my name.

I drove as fast as possible towards my home.



Chapter 2





Janaki, my wife was awake, waiting for me.

"What happened?" she asked in a worried tone.

"Nothing. I am hungry. Serve the dinner."

"What happened?" she repeated. She must have noted how ashen and shaken I was looking.

"Nothing to worry about, my dear...,” I said with as much control I could muster in my voice. I didn’t want to upset her with my terrible experience. She was a simple god fearing woman and I loved her very much.

"Mr. Thyagarajan had come. He was inquiring about you. I told him you got the message and went to see that.... What’s his name... I just forgot...."

"Never mind," I tried to assure her.

She knew me well enough to that something was bothering me deeply and this quality of hers further added to my irritation. "Please serve the food, OK?" I said in a sharp voice.

Unused to this type of my strange behavior, she followed my instructions mutely.



There was a storm raging within me. I wanted to kill that bastard Thyagarajan who had shoved me in the dirty stream. I wanted to shoot that heinous Varadrajan too who had got me, a straight man leading a simple life and earning my livelihood through honest means, to obey his orders. But how futile was my rage. I did not know what I should do in such extraordinary and dangerous circumstances. After what Thyagarajan had done to me, I had no one in whom I could confide. I was frightened to death. I was worried to death.

It occurred to me to telephone the police station. Would they come here and release me from the clutches of the wrong people? I gave a careful thought to this proposition. It sounded good at first, like a ray of hope. Then I remembered the recent newspaper reports about the involvement of government officials in LTTE affairs. What if they informed them instead?

The initial hope ebbed away as fast as it had occurred. I finally thought `I have no choice but to act on the instructions of those bastards. If I am lucky, I will be safe. If not, I will tell the police the real story. That is, if at all they do not shoot me at sight. I have to trust my luck and let my reputation of being a clean and honest person stand by me.’

Janaki served me rice and fish curry on a banana leaf. She was an excellent cook.

But today I had lost all taste and appetite for food.

After dinner we retired to the bedroom, but sleep was furthermost away from me. I lay wide-awake the whole night, tossing and turning, trying to think a way out of the mess I was in.

Janaki lay fast asleep besides me.

I touched her swollen belly. For a moment I lost myself in pleasant dreams. I wondered what the destiny would present me with? Son or daughter? At least they should not suffer the agonies of life as I do now, I thought.

I was a law-abiding person, never had I done anything in my life, which could invite the wrath of the law.

But now... I could not escape from it.

I do not want to die.

I had a loving wife. A warm and welcoming home... a flourishing business.

And...

I was a Tamil...

I had to repay the debt of being a Tamil; I had to perform an illegal act, whether willingly or not and without even knowing the outcome...

what a cursed man I was!





I was pacing the room anxiously awaiting the ominous ring of the telephone to announce the commencement of my journey into the vortex of a dreadful crime. Janaki was busy in her routine work. Each time I looked at the phone Janaki observed me, trying to comprehend the reasons that has changed me overnight. But she said nothing.

I wondered what the package I was to deliver to the Lankan Tigers could possibly contain. My mind raced wildly imagining all dangerous situations that could possibly befall me. I was rattled.

The clock on the wall slowly ticked its way to noon. The weather was warm and sticky. The noise of vehicles passing by on the road added to my uneasiness.

Janaki had finished with cooking. She asked me to have lunch and I reluctantly swallowed some rice with rassam, impatiently waiting for the ringing of the phone to end the suspense.

Each time it rang, I started and rushed to grab it before Janaki could attend to it, but it was not the expected call.

The call came at 4.30.

"Tambi, the package will be delivered to you at eight thirty sharp. Top up the fuel tank of your trawler and keep enough drums on board to ensur¬¬e an uninterrupted to and fro journey. Also ask your fishermen not to come today. You will be the only person onboard. Understood?"

"But how can I manage alone...?"

“That is your problem. Just follow the instructions. Check the radio, the engine and whatever else. You have enough time."

"O.K." I said in a weak voice

"Good. Now, tell me, can you use firearms?"

"No."

"No problem," said the husky voice from another end, "You will practice it as soon as you are in deep waters."

The very thought of carrying firearms sent shivers through my body. Far from firing one, I had never even held one in my hands.

"Now get going with the instructions."

"O.K. But… the money?"

"It will be delivered as promised."

"There is no phone on the port"

"We know that."

"Then?"

"The money will reach you before you leave. We know - you can't play any funny games with us," said the voice and hung up.

I put the receiver back on the cradle and slumped into the chair, as though my legs had given way.

So that was it. Varadrajan was trying to ensure that I would not let them down.



Just then someone rang the doorbell.

I opened the door.

A man in his late thirties stood there holding a large leather case.

"Mr. Venugopal?"

"Yes," I answered weakly.

"The bag comes with compliments from your friends," he said as he placed the bag on the floor. "As promised,” he added with a smile.

I nodded. I knew what the bag contained.

"Would you like to count?"

"No. No, thanks."

Just then Janaki entered the hall from the bedroom.

"Who’s it?" she inquired.

"Nobody," I said and asked the man, who did not introduce himself, to leave.

Janaki looked at me suspiciously.

"What's this? What’s in that bag?"

"It's none of your business." I said curtly.

I lifted the bag and brought it in the bedroom where, in a corner a full life-size cupboard stood. I carefully deposited the bag on top of it and sat on a corner of the bed. What should I do with the money? My mind was caught in a whirlwind. I could sense all the dangers awaiting me outside; in the sea and on the way back. I was not sure I could even come back safely and see my love again. Desperation welled up in my heart.

Janaki came in and stood watching me silently.

"You are in some trouble, Venu?” She asked softly, "Tell me, I have never seen you worried like this before."

"It's nothing. Please sit down. I want to talk to you."

I was not well versed in making up stories. But I had to tell her something without alarming her. Already she had sensed my strange behavior; she was an intelligent woman after all. I would be out for at least two weeks and I had to explain why I would to be absent for such a long time.

"Well... what's going on?"

"Nothing to be worried about.” I was thinking hard. The story was not yet shaping. "You know how things are now a days. The Coast Guard has assigned me a job. They want to use my trawler for keeping a watch at the sea. The rumour is that some LTTE militants are trying to steal themselves a ride to Sri Lanka. They are well equipped and can very easily evade the Coast Guard patrol boats. But the Coast Guard hopes that if they hide themselves in a fisherman’s boat, they could be easily trapped. That's all."

"But it is so dangerous!”

"Yes, I know it is, the militants may open fire... They never surrender easily. And the Coast Guards are not even sure whether the rumor is true. Possibly nothing will happen and I can come back safely."

"Then why are you so worried?" she looked at me searchingly.

Avoiding her sharp gaze, I looked at the design of the bed sheet.

" Well, you know I have never involved myself in anything like this before. They have paid me handsomely, but.... Well, you can understand, this is an unusual incident and that's making me a little nervous. And, Janaki... after all, I am helping the law... unlike my father." I said, not believing in myself.

Memories of my father flashed through my mind and made me uneasy. I could read the same in her eyes. We had never before discussed my father’s past and his activities. We had tried all the time to lead a normal life.

"Forget it, Venu," said Janaki in soft voice. "Helping the law is good, but are you sure there is no danger involved?"

How could I convince her when I knew all along that whatever I was telling her was a figment of my imagination, the very opposite of what the truth was? I did not look in her eyes. "Look Janaki, dangers are nowadays a common phenomenon even in ordinary everyday life. Even Rajiv Gandhi, the ex-prime minister of the country, was assassinated. Well, I am not that important and then you see, there are the Coast Guards, heavily armed, to protect me and themselves."

"O.K. Venu. I will wait for you. Do come back safely and do not involve yourself in any action. Promise?"

"Yes. I promise." I answered her. " One more thing, Janaki…."

"What?"

"You will not tell anyone about this- not even a single word. In fact, why not go and stay with your parents till I return?"

"No." said she firmly. "I will stay here."

"O.K." I said finally not wanting to get into any argument with her.

"And this leather case? Does it contain money?"

"Yes…."

"Since when has the government has started paying cash rewards in advance?"

Her voice was stern now, as though unconvinced by my story.

"You think too much," I said casually trying to hide my discomfiture. "I have to leave now. It's already late.

“Take care. I will be back soon."

She said nothing, just embraced me and kissed my forehead.

"I love you, Venu."

"I love you too, Janaki. Take care, say nothing to anyone. And... this money... will you please hide it somewhere? O.K. don't bother... I will take care of it."

`It's better to keep money somewhere else,' I thought. But I didn't know anyone whom I could trust with such a huge amount. I snatched the bag from the cupboard and was ready to leave.

Janaki watched me silently as I muttered 'goodbye' and hurried towards the rushing roar of ebbing tide. All my rationale thinking had come to a standstill. Destiny was forcing me to move forward. The consequence of this act could take my life. If I could keep myself away from the Coast Guard patrol, I could foresee a good future. If not... Well, nothing matters when one is dead.



The quay was crowded as ever. Those who knew me greeted amicably and hurried away. Everyone was busy. The trawlers were ready to sail. The vast spread of humming trawlers, dinghies and boats gave me a sense of relaxation. This was my realm of life where I grew up and started earning my livelihood. The sea was a trusted friend for me. Its very sight would sooth my troubled mind.

I climbed aboard my trawler parked beside a bunch of dinghies moving to and fro in the ebbing waters that came in and after kissing the shore, went back. It was a fifteen-year-old boat that had weathered storms and the high seas but its engine still held the trusting throb of power to sail the deep seas without giving any trouble.

Since it was only yesterday that we had returned from sea after five days of trawling for tuna, my boat hands were not expected to report for work today. All alone, I got busy getting things ready for the sail ahead of me. I checked the stock of diesel on board as a matter of routine - it was only yesterday that I had got the spare diesel tank filled up. I checked the radio. No trouble there, all frequencies unaltered. I had nothing to worry about at that moment, but I was not sure whether I could sail such a long distance all alone! I did not know even what that package was supposed to contain! `Whatsoever it is ... why worry now when there is nothing left to change?’ I thought.

"Venu. O, Venu" - someone shouted from the wharf. I came out of the cabin. It was Raju, the fisherman, from Raghvan’s trawler. He had an uncanny knack of guessing where one could find the best catch.

"What's it, Raju?"

"You were not expected today. Are you sailing?"

"Yes."

"But I see no one around?”

"Today I am taking my wife to sea to celebrate her birthday."

"O, ho!" he said with a cheeky smile, "Enjoy ... but be careful. The Coast Guard’s on high alert.... Do you know, Govindraj's trawler has been seized?"

"Why?"

"They found a bunch of firearms on it,” he said. "I would never have suspected Govindraj to be involved in such dirty work."

"Surprising-" I said. The nightmare had begun. I felt as though somebody punched me hit hard in my stomach. A deep chill caught hold of my throbbing heart in a tight bind.

"What happened?"

"Nothing." I tried to sound casual.

"You look unwell, Venu!"

"Forget it, Tambi." I said irritably.

He looked at me for a while, then threw his hand in resignation and muttered, "Do not go too far."

"Yes," I answered, angry with myself for not being able to control my fears.

"Good luck." He said turning around.

I sat down weakly on a wooden plank and looked at the sky. How helpless I was at that moment. I cursed my father for his association with these bastards. They had ruthlessly killed hundreds and thousands and would not hesitate, even for a moment, to kill me, an ordinary fisherman.

The sun hurriedly went to hide behind the distant skyscrapers and spread everywhere the warm orange glow of a pleasant evening. Yet the ever-soothing sound of the gently splashing waves made my heart uneasy.

O.K., I thought, If that's what I have to do... I shall do it once and I shall do it well. Then I shall say goodbye to this business and this city. I can always find shelter elsewhere in this vast world.

I got up and entered the cabin. The darkness had intensified. I lit the lamp and started pottering around going through the usual last minute check-up once again.

Sharp at 8.30 p.m. a young man in jeans and T-shirt approached my trawler.

"Venugopal?"

"Yes." I said nervously, my heart pounding.

"The parcel is arriving here any moment," said he in a conspiratorial tone. "You won’t be waiting for long."

I said nothing. I didn't know what the parcel was. I could do nothing, but wait.

After a while, I heard the clatter of a ramshackle tempo in the distance getting louder before it screeched to a halt on the pier.

Then rushing footsteps.

The light on the seashore was rapidly getting dimmer. By now the coast was empty but for a few small boats and trawlers dancing on the waves.

Silhouetted figures approached my trawler.

There were two persons, one holding a heavy bag in his hands.

I could see neither of their faces, not that I wanted to.



"Tambi, come down," said a voice, “help this man aboard.”

Without a word, the man with the bag ascended the trawler.

"This man will sail with you, Tambi,” continued the other man. “In the bag there are weapons, maps and some other important stuff, so hide it somewhere safe.” The package still said nothing as he handed me the heavy bag for safekeeping.

"Take utmost care, avoid all the Coast Guard and Navy patrol boats. This man is very important for us. If you fail in your task, we won't forgive you, understood?" The courier said.

I nodded mutely. There was no courage left in me to ask the many questions that rushed though my mind.

Without bidding farewell the man then turned and hurried back into the darkness. I too turned to my trawler where the unwelcome passenger had ducked into the cabin.

"Go downstairs till I take this trawler out to the open sea. The Coast Guard is on the alert, they are watching everything,” I told the man tersely.

Without a word he turned about and descended the narrow stairs to the hold below littered with bundles of rods, nets, hooks, and lot of other junk to keep him company.

I was so preoccupied by my concern to get going that I did not bother whether somebody noticed any unusual actions on my trawler, I even forgot about my fears and anger. I took charge of the helm and started the engine and found my way through the other boats towards the deep sea.



The vast ocean was rhythmically moving up and down. A crescent moon and millions of stars adorned the sky. The voyage had begun and I slowly began to unwind. The hum of my trawler in the quiet expanse of water soothed my aching heart.

In the distance I could make out the lights of the port of Madras. From Madras, the coast of Sri Lanka was a long way off. I never had traveled that far alone. The Indian and Lankan coastguards were keeping a sharp vigil for any suspicious movement at sea. Since the assassination of Rajiv Gandhi, many of the militants were on the run trying to seek safe haven. Many had escaped to Karnataka, Coimbatore and Trichi. Everyday the Special Investigation Team (SIT) was raiding one or two groups. Fanatic young militants, who had barely entered their teens, were swallowing cyanide pills and embracing death rather than be caught.

The militants had the sympathy not only of the common people, but that of many high ranking government officials, too. Everyone was admiring the fight that the LTTE put up against the powerful army sent in by the Indian Government to Sri Lanka even today. The small bunch of militants had forced the Peace Keeping Force to retreat back to India!

Personally, I was never impressed by the valour shown by these guerillas. But the locals felt pride in their treacherous victory! Someone else was doing those things, which they could not do. What they were doing was supporting the militants, not only sympathetically but also with all possible means of safe shelters and funds. That was the reason why the LTTE had been able to spread its network in Tamil Nadu.

I never had any sympathy for them. What I always thought was those who have migrated hundreds of years ago shall have adapted to the culture and ways of the land where they belong to now. But ethnic problems I could never understand. Trying to maintain a separate identity from the natives for thousands of years and, again doing so, expecting a share in the power was all too ridiculous for me. And didn't those Sinhalese avenge all that had happened in the past? They, after gaining freedom, never allowed the Tamils to settle in any field of life, using every possible means to oppress them. In government jobs, education, business, everywhere the Tamils were forced out like lepers.

It was this very oppression that had fuelled discontent leading to the formation of the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam. Since many decades, the LTTE reacted to all oppressions vehemently. Bloodshed spread in the green fields of Sri Lanka and many high profile personalities were targeted to drive home the message.

And the Indian government had added fuel to the inferno by sending in the peacekeeping force, a move that was not at all received well by the Tamils. The hatred grew more. They vehemently supported the LTTE and abused Rajiv Gandhi for his anti-Tamil policies. Even after his assassination, this civil war was not showing any signs of coming to a peaceful end.

And, today... I had become a part of the ethnic war. I didn’t know what would be the outcome!



I speeded up the trawler, as if to run away from the remains of human existence. After half an hour, I sighted a couple of trawlers, surfing towards the coast. I changed direction a little. I didn't want to confront any acquaintance on the sea.

It was almost midnight by then. I turned to that heavy bag which was handed over to me by those surreptitious men. I opened the zippered flap, looked inside. There lay a carbine and rows of neatly arranged cartridges of ammunition. A map was folded, which I thought was of more importance. I unfolded it, laying it flat on the small table and studied it carefully. One red line was drawn on the map, extending from Madras port to the Lankan coast, suggesting our direction of travel. I folded it back and kept it on the table. I was on proper course. I could see no trace of any other ship all around.

I went near the hold.

" You can come up now,” I called out to that unknown `package.'

He came up, coughed a little and muttered, "I would have died of that obnoxious smell down there had I stayed there for another few hours."

"This is a fisherman's trawler, mister, not a luxury liner" I retorted curtly. "If you want, you can sleep in the cabin.”

"No. I feel better here in this fresh air."

"As you wish..." I said and took charge of the wheel. Ensuring that we maintained proper direction, I locked the wheel and put the lights off.

The urge to sleep was taking a hold on me. I fixed my bed and in no time I entered the dreamy lands of monsters and cannibals!



The first ray of the rising sun pulled me back into the world of weary realities. My first reaction was to ensure whether we were still on the right course; the waves might have shifted our direction. It had so. I set it properly again and looked at the deck.

He was there watching the soft rays of the sun dancing on the waves. The wind was calm and skies a spotless azure.

I looked at him. His slender body was leaned against the railings.

"Haven't you slept?" I asked from behind. He gave a start and then turned around with a quizzical look....

I looked at his face. No. It can’t be him, how he could, but time had not made any alterations.

"Krishnan! Is that you?” I exclaimed not trusting my eyes, “O, my god, I can't believe this. You too..." my voice choked with emotion.

He too for a moment looked overjoyed... and yet seemed detached in the next instant.

"You... Venu?" He rushed towards me. "O, my friend, Venu! I could never dream of this... meeting you again in such an extraordinary situation...! Does this trawler belongs to you?"

I was speechless as though confronted by an unbelievable dream.

"How are you?" he held my one hand tightly in his and asked.

"Fine.... Just fine," I mumbled, unable to make out my own words through the emotions that swept over me.

"I heard you got married? I always wanted to see you... You know? How is she?"

"She is fine, indeed!" I muttered.

"Oh, how I wish to see that lucky young woman! It's a godsend grace that you are accompanying me on this voyage. I would have got bored if some illiterate fisherman were designated to sail me! Now we can enjoy!"



None of his eager enthusiasm was touching the strings of my heart.

"Krishnan...how...how did you get mixed up in all this mess?" I asked finally.

"What do you mean?" releasing my hand he asked.

"You were not like this. You were a different man!" I said, peering deep into his eyes trying to fathom the change that might have affected him.

"And you? Aren't you too in this?"

"It's my misfortune that I am in this, Krishnan. Your people forced me."

He watched me silently for a few moments then throwing up his hands in a gesture of helplessness turned to sit on a drum on the deck. He looked tired, his eyes red and a little swollen, as if he hadn’t slept all night.

"So... you are not with us!" he said as a matter-of-fact

His question made me angry.

"How can I be with these demons? You all are criminals, third grade criminals, I should say!" My voice had turned to a shrill. "And you! You, Krishnan? I have seen enough, but how can I believe that a person like you can get involved in this hell?

A pang of anguish gripped me. I looked all around helplessly. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to cry. I wanted to abuse him. I wanted to curse all the heinous people he now worked for. But I was short of words, my heart ablaze.

He sat motionless looking at me with thoughtful eyes.

So... this was the package to be delivered to the shores of Sri Lanka. He was the person the militants would risk everything for! And he was the person whom I had looked up to, the most intelligent person - a genius – I had ever known!

Should I feel shame? Should I yell at him about how lowly a man he was now, who had made me an accomplice? Or, should I kill this man right now sitting before me?

"Calm down, Venu," he said in a soft voice.

"How... how can I when your people have risked my life for a criminal like you?"

"I am not a criminal. Nor any one of my friends! It's fate, which has brought us here together. Calm down, my friend, anger will make no difference now!”

Unfortunately, what he said was true. I had to control my outburst.

"Alright." I said slumping down across him in defeat.

“The night was beautiful. To travel on the open deck under the moonlit nights gives me immense joy." He said as if to avert his weary thoughts.

I said nothing as my heart was saddened by the reality before my eyes.

I got up and splashed some water on my swollen eyes from the sweet water tank on the deck, and then feeling a little better went to the cabin to prepare coffee and breakfast. No matter what lay before you, life shall breath till you can hold it.

Krishnan followed me into the cabin.

"I will prepare coffee… You know I make good coffee."

I handed over charge and sat back.

Krishnan was an expert in many things, I knew. And coffee was one of the things he made exceptionally well. In the days past, we had shared many a cup prepared by him sitting in front of his house discussing everything that caught our fancy, right from the creation of the universe to the lifestyle of the hermit crab burrowing a hole in the soft sand by our feet.

I watched him make coffee without saying a single word. He too was quite.

In a few minutes coffee was ready.

"You should have taken along a few assistants," he muttered.

"How could I as your boss instructed me not to? And when back at Madras, I don't want to get caught!"

He nodded sadly. "Yes, that's true. No one can trust anyone now a days! But ... again, the fact is, Tamils do not defect that easily! They have compassion for us!”

"That might be the reason why the police is informed where the militants are hiding. They must not be Tamils! " I said sarcastically.

He put down his mug.

"What you are saying is the half truth. They haven't yet been able to catch the real important people,” he said softly, "Those who are caught have not much importance! The police is trying hard to capture militants, but what of it? We are taking enough care of our important people."

There was a mischievous smile on his face. The pent-up rage in me burst out.

"Then that bastard, Shivrasan, must be enjoying his life somewhere!" I retorted harshly.

He roared in laughter, "So, you too are one the so-called nationalist?” then he turned serious, his eyes blazing with determination for seconds and then controlling himself he asked, "So, you are that man who has nothing to do with the pride of the Tamil people? You are so agonized over Gandhi's death! Why, my friend? Why? Wasn't that man responsible for the turmoil in Jaffna? Was he not the one who sent in the army to fight us?

"Look, Tambi, no person with any self-pride would accept any attack on his freedom. He tried to crush our movement and was punished for it. Just forget him for he wrote his own destiny. Now no one will ever think of using the army against us."

I watched incredulously. Was this man the same Krishnan I almost revered? He was a friend and philosopher to me once and now how alienated he was!

"What do you people think of yourself?” I asked angrily. "Do you think you are doing the right thing? How can you slay anybody so ruthlessly… only because you got weapons? Aren't you people following a wrong path?”

His face was full of compassion as though I was a child getting angry on futile matters.

"Now, you too belong to us, Tambi,” he said as he rose from the stool. "You are just a child, Venu. You have shut your eyes from the stark reality. You are not yet ready to confront the truth!”

"Truth...,” I fumed, "Truth is always slave to the powers that be. Whatsoever they say is truth! I am weak.... a commoner, but don’t tell me about truth, Krishnan. There exists no such thing as truth in this world. All corrupt fractures of tainted images are being presented before us, so deliberately. It has always happened in the past. Don't try to fool me. You are racial, you are cruel and you are a fanatic. That is the only truth, nothing else. Look beyond these fractured images then you will find the truth. Don't tell me about the truth.”

He turned his back towards me. I was trembling in the storm of emotions raging within my heart. Destiny had played a cruel game with me. It had united me with a long lost dear friend, but under such bizarre circumstances. And look, how radically he had changed!

"Krishnan, I should not discuss anything with you…. you are not the same man I once knew…. the Krishnan I adored. You people have forced me to tread this bloody path! I swear Krishnan, I swear, you will repent one day!”

"Never!" he muttered, "Never, Venu, I will never repent. I am not a fool!”

I wanted to laugh at him.

"You are a fool, Krishnan, you know from the pages of history that no one can achieve any goal through bloodshed!”

"Then should we accept injustice?“ Krishnan roared loosing control of his emotions. “Should we allow them to crush us under their boots? Should we accept the life of dogs? No....no, my friend. They think they are masters of life and want to mould us in any way they wish. They tell us you shall accept the system we have developed, no matter what you may desire!

“They have large armies armed with the most sophisticated weapons. They can easily flatten the rebellions…. They can use the media to tell you how wrong you are! How cruel you are! But do they tell about their own brutalities? The media is their slave of powers. We are poor. We live in jungles without any amenities. Always on the run, without knowing when a bullet will get us in the back! What we have is self-respect and an ambition, which helps us fight on for our freedom. We know one day we will return the lost pride to our people. We have lost our relations, Tambi! We have no family life. You want to know why? Only to save the lives of the families of our fellow brethren, to secure their future and pride do we live a dog’s life like this! And you, you don't have any respect for it?"

His shrilling tone was an obvious sign of his outrage. His face twisted and eyes blazing, he trembled trying to control his emotional outburst.

"You too are a commoner!” he shrieked pointing at me, "You too have became prey of their poisonous propaganda. Neither you have respect for your race, or for the language! How in Sri Lanka every day a Tamil is being downtrodden, you don't know. Yes. This can come to an end…. but who wish for it? All those bloody politicians go about preaching humanity and equality, but what they actually practice, do you know?"

The wind had risen in tandem with our voices. The hum of engine had become more intense. The sails were flapping as if trying to escape from being made to take either side in our angry conversation over the sound of the waves hitting the trawler.



I sat down exhausted as if the life within me was flowing out.

"No, Tambi" I said weakly. "Now why have the Tamils in Sri Lanka became so important to you? One must become a motif in the fabric of society he lives in."

"It is an illusion, Venu,” he said still furious at me. "The majority always want to enslave the minorities. They hate the minority because they fear their unity. They want to use them for their purpose, but never hand over rights to them. They fear what if this minority begins to rule the majority? And due to this false fear they go on oppressing the minorities. They try to ensure that the minority community is always kept separated from the majority!"

"Why tell me this irrational philosophy, my friend? The world we live in is not the same now where this falsehood can be accepted. No country can rest on the pillars of language, race, religion, or caste. The clash between these never yields peace. It always bring disaster."

He nodded sadly.

"It is easy to preach, Venu, unless you confront what injustice and outrage is! When the very existence comes under the shadow of danger, who thinks of tomorrow then? We are not fighting for tomorrow. Our rebellion is for today!

"Injustice?" I asked incredulously? "What injustice have you suffered, Krishnan? You grew up in Madras, just like I did. You even went abroad for higher education. And you speak of injustice?”

He laughed.

"True, Venu, True. But how ignorant you are. You do not know, my dear friend, the hell I had to undergo! You do not know why I had to take up the fight for others I never dreamt before I would. You do not know the intensity of the pain I suffered! Venu, when it happened, that time you were far away from me!"

His voice was filled with anguish. His eyes held a pain I had never before seen in him, a reflection of whatsoever he had experienced years ago.

Krishnan’s image in my mind of bygone days appeared before me.

"You were not like this, Krishnan." I said in deep anguish. "You were so gentle, so curious about life, so optimistic. You were so lively! How poetic was your mind then!"

He leaned back in despair, as if trying to uncover his own remains off the past. I knew he had nothing to do with ethnic problems that loomed over the earth from all quarters. I knew him as a humanitarian devoted to the well being of the global society.

I watched him intently as he closed his eyes in deeper pains. I knew I’d hit him right. What the hell he was doing with militants he hated all the time when with me? What ethnic problems did he ever face when young and dreaming for better life and when the very land provided him with all the opportunities available to everybody, irrespective of caste and religion? The past flashed before my eyes as a mute silence prevailed and I sat, almost defeated on a drum.







We were friends since childhood, from school days! He was always jolly and in contrast, I was too serious about everything. I was the only son of an ordinary fisherman, whereas he belonged to a wealthy family, but our friendship was intact.

After matriculation we both joined Vaishnav College. He, to my surprise, chose the arts stream. As I had no other choice, I took commerce. Our classes were different, but most of the time we would be together.

In those days, a girl fell in love with Krishnan. But Krishnan never paid any attention to Vani’s weak efforts to gain his heart.

One day, Vani caught me while I was going home.

She was a pretty girl. Her eyes reflected her dreamy romantic nature. After chatting nineteen-to-a-dozen some crap about fellow colleagues, she directly looked me in my eyes and said, "I am interested in your friend."

I was not at all taken aback! I knew very well why she had approached me.

"I am aware, Vani. But you know how Krishnan is, nevertheless I will help you."

She was elated at this assurance.

Next day, I indirectly started praising Vani, I told my dear friend, how Vani could bring a hearty romance into his dull existence, and how brilliant the dreamy girl was!

I even dared to get both on the lovely Marina beach and then left them alone to learn the first lessons of love.

But the affair could not last long. Vani failed to understand this jolly philosopher. She had an extreme attraction towards the romantic life. She wanted to have a heart full of romance, to live in the dream world of fairy queens. And Krishnan, Alas, how indifferent he was towards such things! She soon left him to engage herself with one of our so-called literary laureate professors.

Krishnan, not at all unhappy with the outcome, told me philosophically, "Such girls never succeed in life, Venu. She is trying to find a lotus in the sands of Rajasthan!"

I too laughed with him.



Beautiful things do not last forever! Our college days ended. We spent an evening on the Marina beach, watching the sun set in the ebbing waters reflect the many dreams we had about our life that lay ahead of us. We wanted to become powerful. We thought if we could build together a business empire. We wanted to be virtuous. We wanted to change the world…

We discussed, vehemently, what could bring true peace on this troubled earth! No one won that debate. Then, after darkness enveloped the vast beach, we entered a bar and emptied bottles of beers. We discussed, we laughed, we promised each other, we fought, we swore, we embraced and later staggered on the road shouting pleasantries trying to hide the deep agony of parting from engulfing our hearts.



Life for me was different after that evening. I joined college for a diploma in fisheries. My father, I doubted, behaved discreetly. There was rumor that he was associated with the Tigers. There was not much affection left between father and son. As for Krishnan, he wanted to go abroad for higher studies in sociology. We had to adopt separate paths. We had to abandon all those dreams we had shared. No matter how beautiful they might be, dreams not always come true. The first lesson of practical life we had learnt, and the agonies that are associated with it.

One day Krishnan got the chance to go to England to take the course he desired. We again spent that evening on the same beach. But how different this meeting was. The waves were rushing in to crash headlong on to the beach with a roar of a wild beast then retreating to gather strength for another assault.

It was almost midnight. We sat in silence on the deserted beach. The dim lamps of the Annadurai memoriam in the distance were trying hard to reassure our hearts filled with an unknown emotion. The wind blew as if trying hard to overcome some invisible barriers. The sea like a dark blanket was spread before us reaching out to the horizon. The crescent of moon was weakly trying to prove her supremacy in the vast space amongst billions of stars. We did not know what to speak and how to react! Yet another lovely dream was soon to disappear.

Krishnan broke the silence. He held my hand in deep compassion for a while and said, “Venu, haven’t you seen how life is treacherous? Most of the dreams never come true. I wish life had been simpler. Its complexity perplexes me. I will be away, not with you to share what we dreamt about. No castles of power we can build, but are going to pave all old paths of life. All the vigor that existed in us is meaningless now. I have to go. Go far away. I say it is for higher education, but I am till ignorant. Why I want to be someone I do not know. I know not who has filled ambitions in our little hearts. Venu…” His voice was choked up as he spoke. I had no words to express myself. I always have been at a loss for words when emotional. I just glanced at the reflection of moonlight in his watery eyes and then at vast expanse of the sea. Who has understood life anyway? We just go on nibbling the life form like a worm. That’s all!

The next day, I bid him farewell on the airport. Few years passed by. We, in the beginning, were in regular correspondence with each other. But a few years later, the writing became long spaced. I had to face a new life. The problems were new and answers were; though not often pleasant, also new. Past life, lovely as it had been, could not accompany me forever.

And now...

In such a strange situation was Krishnan confronting me! The system I hated most, he represented it with all his might and vigor!





CHAPTER





We stood on the deck amongst the nets looking at the sea glistening in the morning sun, reflecting hues of the sky. Occasionally, fishes leapt above the water, hanging still for a moment only to crash back and disappear into the deep sea like a dream.

Almost two hundred leagues were left behind. This route was chosen as per the instructions given by those unknown conspirators. We could not sight any trawler or any Coast Guard boat in the vicinity.

Krishnan did not speak much after our bout of unpleasant discussions. I was curious to know why a brilliant young man like Krishnan had chosen this dangerous path of life. Who could have influenced him so strongly that he, instead of preaching love and peace, was now supporting violence? What injustice could he have suffered? Many questions filled my befuddled mind, but I could think of no suitable answer.

After leaving him on the shores, any future communication between us would be virtually impossible. Was he on the run? Or, was he on some dangerous mission to assassinate someone or to destroy some Sinhalese village? Was he in any way related to the death of Rajiv Gandhi?

Every possibility seemed to threaten me. Thousands of alarms sounded in my mind and their echoes made me deaf. I glanced at him through the corners of my eyes. He stood still like a statue carved in sandalwood. What was he thinking? What was he planning? What was he scheming?

I thought I must forget now that he is my friend. He is alien to me now. The past ties of friendship are drowned in the vast sea of the bygone time. This is a new man, dangerous and treacherous, in front of me. I should not think of him, have no affection for him. I must speed up the boat and deport him at the earliest!

I thought of Varadrajan. His personality could deceive so easily the people who upheld the law of this country. He seemed to be a rich man; must be having good connections. And that bastard Thyagarajan? Who could have suspected him of being connected with the LTTE? That organization definitely had deeply penetrated all sections of society.

I looked at the shimmering sea in distress and without a glance at my old pal Krishnan, turned towards the control room. I could Krishnan’s eyes pierce my back like a sharp dagger, but I did not look back.

We were speeding at almost thirty knots. I glanced at the map given by Krishnan's colleagues. The proposed way was drawn in red pencil. This was a long route, necessary to avoid the Coast Guard and naval ships. I consulted the compass. The boat had drifted a little of course. I carefully altered direction and fixed the wheel.

I sat on the chair. The sound of the roaring engine could not console my heart. Janaki's image came before my eyes. She was beckoning me, drifting over the mist. She had a sad face, her eyes watering and her breasts bleeding. I wanted to reach out and embrace her. I wanted to take her in my arms and console her, reassure her that this nightmare will soon be over and those happy tunes of life we had shared in the past could be sung all over again. But as I tried to stretch my hands towards her, she distanced herself from me. I stood up… I wanted to run behind her... but the mist floated away taking her with it. Soon her image disappeared in the dark realms.

I sat down once again, cursing myself why I could not reject this job? Why I am doing? Why did I surrender to their threats? Why had I undertaken this foolish deed? Hadn't I any courage left to fight them back?

I was an ordinary man of simple means. A middle class man, with limited knowledge of the naked faces of the world living in a different world, a world where newspaper coverage were mere gossips and never affected our routine life. I never had any idea how devils in society work unobstructed. I did not have that imaginative and scheming mind. I had love for my country and a certain ideology about life and its ultimate goal…. So easy to preach, to discuss and easy to adapt. But this was different, a strange facet of life. Is it, after all, the same world I was living in?

"Venu-"

Krishnan's hasty call pulled me back from the desperate drawing of the sea of madness.

I stood up and rushed towards the deck. Krishnan was leaning over the rails looking into the horizon.

"Bring the binoculars," he almost ordered me. I ran back and brought a set.

"What's it, Krishnan?" I asked him anxiously, trying to focus my binoculars in the direction he was pointing.

"It's a naval boat, I suspect... “He said in a calm voice.

I spotted a large boat emerge from the western horizon.

It was a naval boat.

"Go back and neutralize the engine," he whispered.

My heart was crashing against my ribs, "Yes, Krishnan...in a moment."

I ran back towards the control room. I pulled back the throttles and the speed dropped.

I rushed back on the deck.

Krishnan had cast a net in the sea and was carefully handling the levers of the system. I was not sure that this action would save us from the approaching danger. Those people must have been watching us minutely, I thought... they could sense and understand our frantic actions.

I was like a rabbit confronted by a hound. My heart was beating so rapidly I thought it would burst any moment.

The approaching boat was looming larger and larger enveloping the horizon in its path. I could now faintly read the letters... `I.N.S. Bishvas’, an Indian naval boat.

"Control yourself, Venu," said Krishnan soothingly. "Don't get afraid and don't tremble like a tree in storm. You need not worry."

I wanted to abuse him but my throat was parched with the fear that had befallen me. I looked at him in disgust. I could then have killed him for his poise.

What do I answer these armed men? I thought. This is a fishing trawler?…Then... where are the sailors?

I had on board a man listed as the most wanted, sought by both the Indian and Sri Lankan government. I did not have any answers. All I had was a gun...

I was sweating, my legs suddenly weak as if life blood was leaking out of my body, moment by moment.



I could now make out armed men on the deck of the naval patrol boat. They know who we are! The information is leaked to them by some traitor. They were searching for us ...and we have walked into their trap. There’s no escape now.

"Do not get afraid... Venu..." again he said softly.

I tried to lick my dry lips.

"Do not behave stupidly. Let them not suspect us. They know nothing about me.... try to be at ease."

His confidence was unbelievable. He was the real culprit. He was a wanted man.

And I was... just an accomplice.

What punishment would I get for this crime...? If I tell them the truth?

But he was as calm as a monk. So indifferent to the danger in front of us that it annoyed me.

The boat coming in our direction did nothing to attract our attention. It moved swiftly along without altering direction or speed. The armed men waved at us as the boat passed us by. Krishnan acknowledged their enthusiasm with an equally eager waving of his hand. I too waved, though weakly.

The naval boat went past toward northeast.

Exhausted I leaned down on the warm rails.

Krishnan patted me on my shoulders. I said nothing.

"You are looking pale, Venu,” He said worriedly. "I’ll bring water for you."

I did not reply.

He went and fetched water in a pail for me.

I drank it as if thirsty since many years. I was still trembling with fear. I thought it was a trap... they will be back...they will open fire at us... my trawler will be ablaze and our bodies would rest on the unknown depths of the sea.

He lightly embraced me.

"Venu... I am sorry,” he said. "I did not know it will be you. Or else I would never have accepted you as my sailor. They would have listened to me. They would have let you go. My poor Venu, please, calm down.”

The suppressed rage within me burst out. I hit him on his face - "You bastard, It's you who has brought this mess upon me."

Krishnan wiped blood from his lips with the back of his hand. He looked so strange, like a god agitated. He tried to control himself.

"Hit me back if you want to, you monster... you will spend thousands of years in the hell in torture. What you people have done to my life.” I sobbed in rage and self-pity.

Yet he said nothing.

I sat down on the deck. The waves were rocking the boat. I had balanced myself by placing my hands on the planks. My throat was choked. I was furious with myself and again desperate to listen to the soft consoling words.

"What you are afraid of, my friend?” He whispered.

I looked at him. His face was as innocent as of child.

I shook my head negatively. I wanted to cry.

"I have gone through the same, my dear, a thousand times. Life is not as pleasant as it ought to be. It plays games with us. Please calm down, Venu."

I tried to control my thumping heart. I tried hard to clear out the gathering mist of sorrows from my weak mind.

"Krishnan.... all is over. My life is wasted. This is all cruel. Why me, after all? Couldn't you get your own men for this mission?" I was wailing.

"I am sorry, but how could I know it would be you. What can we do now? Curse me. Hit me if you will. Do anything you want to me, my friend. Unfortunately, destiny has brought us together in such strange circumstances. I don't want to believe in this... but... I know, this is true.

“Venu ... just leave me ashore and return. I will speak to the authorities and then no one will ever bother you. I understand we stand on different shores of a void. Neither you can understand me, nor can I. You are a middle-class, happy man. You know very little about life. You do not even want to know why some people invite deadly dangers upon themselves when they too can live the happy life of ordinary people. What inspires them to become outlaws, you know not. You want to live in a dream world of ideals and so-called comforts. I too have ideals... though they have changed so drastically over time… but wasn't it your own beloved society that forced me to take this bloody path of life? Did I ever want to become an outlaw? Don’t try to understand me. Be, as you want to be. Just think of this as a nightmare, which will soon be over and the same known life will warmly embrace you.

"Venu, don’t worry, no danger can befall you as long I am standing besides you. I am Krishnan, Venu, your friend. Not an enemy!"

The sincerity of his words filled the depths of my heart and I took his hand in mine and sat down with teary eyes amidst the marsh of emotions.

"Do you remember Vani?” He asked. "How desperately you tried to make us get us together."

I said nothing.

"How pleasant were those days! Just like an idyllic dream. I can't believe we had ever lived them!”

"True!" I muttered, "But, that time you were a different man, Krishnan."

"Yes. I was! I believed in humanity. I believed that all human beings were equal. I believed in non-violence. I always praised Mahatma Gandhi. I had a secret dream. I wanted to become a preacher of a sacred philosophy.... I wanted to unite all the peoples of the world and mould them into one nation. No capitalists, no communists, no socialists, no communalists, no fascists... just one single nation…whole human race engaged in the upliftment of society… with no armies left on the earth, no nuclear weapons, no missiles to destroy other nations. I wanted to become the leader of this sacred philosophy. But, my dear friend... I am ethnic now. I am trying hard for the well being of the Tamils, forgetting others... others who too have a heart in their breast, others who have the same blood rushing in their veins.

“I am drastically changed. But yet I exist…. Though, my dreams keep on bothering me when I am asleep. I want to share my love with all living beings on this planet. I, a terrorist, believe in ethnicity. Do you know why? Because the existing social and political system has generated leaders who have wicked minds. They have nurtured hatred for their vested interest. They do not want peace on this earth. Poor Venu, try to understand this. This is a world where individual ideologies are trampled by the masses. The masses have no head… It doesn't think. It just rumbles along meting out injustice to the minorities. It thinks it is powerful because it is large in numbers. They have not respect for an individual’s freedom. And the representatives of the majorities, who know nothing… and governments form governments, the leaders of majorities always try to secure the interests of the majority… throwing chicken feed at the minority, for the sake of democracy.

"I represent the minority,” he said with deep conviction. “ I have a head, which can think, which can act! I have feelings. The same feelings which once upon a time Valmiki would have had, the same feelings which Gautam Buddha would have! I am not alien but I am forced to be an alien. They deliberately have outcast a man who could have been able to prove his pure intentions towards the society as a whole similar to Buddha and Valmiki.

"And friend, do not blame me for I am not responsible. Please try to understand. I pity your condition. I blame those who forced you to participate in this course of life. I would never allowed them to do so.”

As he spoke sometimes his soft voice rose. He pitched. He coiled. He wailed. He showed how tormented he was. But nothing could sooth me. I was thinking of my own life. I was thinking of Janaki carrying my child. I was thinking of all the disasters I had forced upon myself.

He patted my shoulders and ran his fingers through my hair. I held his hand and said, "How dangerous is life! How frightening! I am afraid!"

"Of what?"

"Of life!"

He laughed gently.

"You fool!“ he said," Do not think like a middle class man. There is nothing to fear on this bloody earth. Just try to make yourself powerful!"

"But if everybody was to do the same... the whole earth will be bathed in blood!"

"Then so be it!” He said. "Those who deserve death, let them die. Those who bow before weapons let them bow before them! They should be crushed under foot! They must be frightened all the time, if they so deserve!"

I did not reply. There was no use debating with fanatics.

I said nothing. I asked nothing. The trawler fell quiet on the dancing waves.



It was night. We were now getting closer to our destination. The wind blew in gusts while our trawler was tossed around by the sea like a bucking mare under the gaze of millions of stars gathered in the sky playing some secret game.

Sitting besides a net, I placed my head on the wooden rail and looked at the sky...I felt relaxed from the strained emotions.... I began to sing my heart out....

“The dreams are spread

around me

let me recollect them,

my dear dreams

though they are collapsed

weakened and frightened

but.....

They belong to me

let me collect them,

my dreams.......”



I stopped abruptly as I realised that Krishnan was watching me.

"Sing, Venu, you have got a passionate voice."

But the urge to sing had left me.

"You are angry with me. Aren't you?" He asked.

"No."

"Don’t lie," he said softly, “You have every right to get angry."

I looked back at him askance. Was he really that same Krishnan who used to be my friend?

"Eh, Krishnan... why did you become like this? I was forced... but you?" I asked in a troubled voice staring at him trying to fathom the depth of his heart and mind through his impassioned voice.

Krishnan, under the dim light of billions of shining stars, desperately tried to pour his heart out through words-

"You do not know anything, my dear. You know nothing. Do you think I ever wanted to become like this? Didn't I want to be a preacher, as I told you this morning? Even today, I am the same somewhere in the depths of my heart. But what an injustice they committed to me, you know not, my friend. You simply know not. There always bliss in ignorance. Do you think all this I wanted to do? What I thought of these Tigers, do you know? How could India become my enemy? Oh friend, India is our motherland! How I can became alien to my mother, after all? But... again... could I see my mother alienated from me? No, Venu, my friend. Everyone seeks life in the security and comfort of a warm blanket. Which fool will throw away that lovely blanket and rush blindly into the jungle of death? No. I never thought my life would become like this.”

"Why, Tambi. Why?” I wailed!

"My friend, we always secretly desired that India should assist us in our noble cause! But we failed in that. Instead, India sent a powerful army to destroy us!"

"But why do you say 'us'?"

"Because I am now one of them. The unity is most powerful. Though we are small in number, we are united. But not at all are we enemies to India! But what has our motherland given us in return? An army? An army to finish us instead of protecting our goals?"

"This all what you say is confusing me, Krishnan! This is absurd! This does not suit your personality! All this is cruel! Many join this stream by force. My father and myself, we are perfect examples! But we are all insignificant beings! You are a VIP. You are considered too dangerous, why?"

"Yes, I am dangerous!" said Krishnan in a deep soft voice. "I am wanted because I masterminded horrible plans that shook the world. I implemented them meticulously. I was responsible for the assassination of two Sri Lankan ministers. I took active part in the rebellion against the Peace Force sent by India. I was responsible for setting up Yesu- FTFSFGXY, the high frequency wireless network in India. We are most powerful now in communications due to this system!”

He took a deep breath, then sighed, and tried to look elsewhere as if an unending battle was on within him. In almost a whisper, he said, "And I am the only person who knows where Shivrasan is! I know where is this man who master minded the assassination of Rajiv Gandhi! I am the last and final link that will complete the story of Rajiv Gandhi’s assassination!”

"You… “ I gasped in disbelief! Were all my nightmares coming true? "…. You know that Shivrasan...”

All of a sudden, he came to an abrupt stop. He pursed his lips and looked up at the sky.

Shivrasan, the most wanted man by the Indian government who was being searched for everywhere by the Interpol. SIT desperately needed this man. He was the only man who could throw light on the conspiracy of assassination of the ex-prime minister of India. Newspapers were carrying his pictures almost everyday. There was a huge bounty on his head. The biggest prize ever declared by the Indian government. He was a monster, a cold-blooded murderer…. And Krishnan was telling me that he was involved in all this... that he knew Shivrasan... who knows, he might have even trained that human bomb that took Rajiv Gandhi’s life! How dangerous he was.

I was shaking in the storm of wild thoughts in my head.

"We could not succeed in our goal unless we took drastic action that would sent a shiver throughout the world… and we have taken it. This may cause the death of hundreds of our comrades. But unless we shed blood, we can never get victory. He sent the Peace Force against us. He wanted to portray himself as the messiah of the new era. He boasted of becoming a world leader. He had to be punished for his impudence."

His voice was razor sharp and icy...freezing all my emotions. I looked at the roaring seamy mind in a whirlwind of agonies. How cold blooded a man could be, I thought. Krishnan, my friend, was the ultimate limit. What could I say to him? Nothing seemed to make any sense to me. Yes…I was caught in a bad nightmare.

"You are cruel! You know not how history shapes itself. The deeds of a bunch of wicked-minded people are just scratches on the vast canvas of history. They can not change its course. You fool, you people will be forgotten. You people have no significance on this earth. No one is going to write praises about you and your deeds except your fanatic successors. You will be abused, cursed. The coming generations will spit on you."

He stepped forward towering over me as I sat. "This is not true, Venu!" He said. "All this was inevitable. Injustice demands injustice. I am no saint; I could never forgive what they had done to me... You asked me, why I joined this path. Want to listen?"

His pursed his lips gathering words. I do not know what went on in his mind. Every sinner has some explanation for his deed. I looked up at the sky, almost resigned. The sky was in the silent embrace of billions of stars. The vast ocean was vehemently moving up and down.

He began in the same, soft voice....



Chapter



Krishnan went to Cambridge for higher studies in social science. When he landed at Heathrow, his heart was full of anxiety. First time ever in his life, was he visiting a foreign country. That too England! The country which ruled India for over two centuries. It was raining when the plane landed. The huge airport, incomparable with Anna Durai airport of Madras, impressed him. Its escalators, huge passenger lounge lined up with easy chairs, rows of duty free shops and beautiful girls fearlessly serving customers was a view which he had seen only in movies. The formalities of immigration and customs were completed very smoothly.

He took the tube from the Heathrow to London. It was raining heavily that morning. When he got down at King's Cross he was shivering in the cold breeze.

He loved to be in London. Cambridge was his destination; its campus was going to be his close pal in the coming years.

But very soon, the charm of being in a foreign country left him. He gradually realised that the Indians there have a sort of inferiority complex. Many Indian students were studying at Cambridge, but very few got well acquainted with Krishnan. He was not worried about it. After all, he had come there for studies, and he soon proved to be good at that.

It was a bright sunny morning in the month of September when Murlimanoharan, a Tamil student, knocked on his doors. Krishnan had seen Murli many times around the campus, a senior student who wore thick glasses. There were a few rumors floating around about him, but none could be believed. It was said that he was a strong supporter of the LTTE and his main motive behind attending Cambridge University was to gather support for the cause of the Tigers. He was also suspected of being connected with a faction of the Khalistani's. There was definitely an aura of mystery about this young man, who had come to meet Krishnan that day.

Murli looked gay and flamboyant. He talked with Krishnan about his village in Coimbatore district and his experiences at Cambridge, as if they were old pals. Krishnan listened to his endless enthusiastic chatter with not much encouragement when all of a sudden Murli asked, ‘‘what do you think India will do about sending the Peace Force in Sri Lanka?''

The unexpected question startled Krishnan and he looked at Murli in disbelief.

''It's all wrong going on out there, Krishnan. The Sinhalese oppression has to be denounced and condemned with might. It's an international issue now."

''Do you support the LTTE?" asked Krishnan.

''Yes, I do. They are freedom fighters. The days of oppression are over, but the Lankan government does not think so. They think that with the help of the army they can suppress the voice of mutiny. But they are fools. It is the duty of every Tamil to raise his voice against this brutal injustice.”

Krishan wanted to laugh at this young activist, but instead, he said- ''I read all about it in the newspapers. This country has provided refuge to the enemies of India. They broadcast interviews of Khalistani leaders. They provide them with money, arms, and logistics. They don't want to see peace established in the Indian subcontinent. I see an international conspiracy behind all this. And the youths like you fall prey to their vicious intentions.”

Murli fell silent for a moment.

''Tell me, Krishnan, do you support Rajiv Gandhi's move to send the Peace keeping Force to Sri Lanka? Do you think India should intervene in the battle of freedom by supporting the oppressors? Isn't it injustice? Our own army fights our own men? Is this logical, tell me?”

''Murli, all this is politics and I am least interested in it. Let both the governments decide what they should do. We are here for studies and let us concentrate on that.''

But Murlimanoharan was no easy customer to convince. He went on vehemently with his sermon about the internal crisis taking place in Sri Lanka and about human rights violation there.

Finally, Krishnan, apparently bored with all this, refused to hear any of Murli’s pleas and showed him the way out.



The arguments with Murlimanoharan that day had disturbed Krishnan but he wiped clean all unpleasant thoughts and tried to concentrate on his studies. Soon after that meeting, Krishanan received by post a package of booklets and a hand-printed bulletin that highlighted the heroic deeds of the Tamil Tiger Prabhakaran, and spoke of the `true’ conditions in the jungles of Jaffna. Murli also started meeting Krishnan occasionally and would request him in all earnest to join one of their secret meetings that were held in one of London’s suburbs. The self-declared general of LTTE, Naikan, was stationed at London. He would deliver public statements through the BBC. To Krishnan, all this was disgusting. What was the Indian secret service doing? Krishnan would wonder. How can they let them spoil the image of India? But these thoughts were temporary. He was after all just a student and was looking forward to a bright future....





A year passed since Krishnan had joined the most reputed University in the world. During the vacations, he had very little to do. He started writing for a local daily, which accepted his first article -`Social impurities in Indian social system'. And in this way, he started earning a little money and the reputation of being a fierce writer. He was most happy when writing. He found writing to be the best outlet to express one’s thoughts and developing a vision. His writing was well received by the readers. Then he wrote an article on the `Impact of South Indian Culture over Indian Social System'.

And on the same evening, Murli, accompanied by another young man visited him at his room.

Murli introduced his colleague as Shankar, a frail and dark complexioned young man with sparkling white teeth and big eyes. The very appearance of Shankar sent waves of uneasiness through Krishnan.

''Your article... it is a fantastic peace of writing! Shankar liked it so much that he wanted to meet the person who is so brilliant and ingenuous right away. I told him, we are pals! Aren't we?“ He smiled warmly.

Shankar shook hands with Krishnan

''You said that South Indian culture developed separately and independently, denying the influence of Aryan culture! How true! I personally subscribe to this idea and believe that Aryans were invaders. They destroyed the original social fabric that India developed so painstakingly. They wanted to destroy the Dravidians too... but our forefathers stood strong against them. And today Dravidian is the only surviving ancient civilization on earth! They successfully maintained their purity in which the Aryans failed. But... also look at the present situation... these impure Aryans want to rule the sacred Dravid race! They never spare a chance to humiliate us! There is not much scope left for our leaders since the new system of democracy has been introduced years ago. Now the North is in control. Our leaders have to bow before the north to sanction our genuine demands and have to depend on their mercy.

“And look... how scheming they are. That Hindi, a most hybrid language, is being forced upon us against our own rich ancient language! They...”

"Stop.” Krishnan shouted. He was trembling with anger.

Both the visitors were shocked and looked at him.

''Why are you trying to misinterpret my writing? You people are fanatics, speaking in the same language Hitler spoke decades ago. You praise your race. You are drawing wrong meaning from the pages of history! You say Aryans are ruling over Dravids. How stupid of you people. Have you ever studied anthropology? Many tribal people in the north do belong to the Dravid race. What answer do you have for this? From where they came? Did they migrate to the north from South? No. The races do not exist. You say about Aryan race. Did that race really ever exist? Or was it a separate culture? You say Aryans oppress the Dravid race. You are fools. Actually, you people want to separate from India. You want to establish your power center. You want to destroy the harmony that exists today. You want to plant seeds of hatred in the hearts of the people! The struggle in Sri Lanka is a test fight of your will power. I am not that big a fool as not to understand this. Now look.... It’s enough. Do not try ever again to mix the issues and get benefit out of it. You both get lost from here and never try to meet me again.''

Krishnan's straight attack startled both of them. They glared at each other in confusion.

''You are strange!" muttered Murli and rose from his seat, “ Good bye, but Krishnan... people like you are rotting in illusions. And the day will come when you will realize...”

"Get out –“ Krishnan had roared. Both left the room in a hurry. Krishnan was trembling with anger even after both had vanished.



The days at Cambridge were soon over. Now Krishnan was a changed man. He had many dreams in his heart. He was much more confident about himself. He was ready to accept the challenges from life.

He bid good bye to the campus life of Cambridge. He took an Indian Airlines flight back home eager to see his motherland. He knew his parents would be there at the airport to receive him.

When his plane landed at Anna Durai airport, it was a warm night. The journey had been uneventful. Krishnan stood in the long queue waiting his turn for immigration clearance. He then stood near the conveyor belt waiting for his luggage to arrive. He had brought many presents for his friends and parents whom he had not seen for many years he was in England.



Suddenly a thick hand touched Krishnan’s shoulder. He looked back. An officer in white uniform was looking at him gravely.

''Mr. Krishnan?”

"Yes, officer...?"

"Your passport, please."

Krishnan was startled. He uneasily handed over his passport to the officer.

''Please follow me, Sir,'' He gave an abrupt order.

''What's wrong?'' Krishnan was baffled.

''Just a formality." The officer muttered curtly.

Krishnan could not understand this undue formality. But as he had nothing to hide, he followed the officer to an office where a bulky officer was seated behind a table.

Krishnan was irritated.

''Why have you brought me here?" He asked.

The man siting behind the table glanced at him in a most unfriendly manner.

''The authorities want you, young man,” said the man from behind the table in a flat tone, “Sit down."

Unable to understand this farce, Krishnan roared, "But will you tell me what.....”

At that moment a high-ranking police officer entered. He exchanged greetings with the two airport officials and then turned to glare at Krishnan.

''So you are Krishnan. Do you deny this?''

''Why should I? I am Krishnan.”

''Good!” He nodded pleasantly. ''Young man, we have to detain you until further instructions!” said the police officer. Krishnan’s heart gave a leap. He did not know what was going on.

''Are you arresting me? On what charge? I have nothing to declare...”

''You have nothing to declare, that we know.” He said in a soft voice. ''You are involved in a crime much more serious than that. I pity on you, young man. You shouldn't have done such a foolish thing.”

Krishnan was furious. He could not spell out his anger.

''You were involved in anti-government activities. You were in close contact with the LTTE militant Naikan, the so-called General Naikan. His right hand Shankar frequented your residence in London often. You people conspired against the Government of India. Very anti-national of you!''

''But... I never did anything! I knew Shankar. But. But, I hated him. I never knew he...''

''Sorry, young man, you are under arrest. We have enough evidence to prove your active involvement in anti-national activities.'' He signaled to his subordinates waiting for instructions and in a moment, Krishnan was handcuffed. He protested, abused, argued, but they just laughed at him. His luggage was seized. He was forced into a van and was moved to a jail where he was locked up in a separate chamber with swarms of mosquitoes for company. His repeated requests to let him make at least one call were ignored. The dimly lit cell was intimidating. Krishnan was mad with rage. But there was no one there to listen to him.



''Why don't produce me before the court?'' He asked the jail superintendent in a defeated voice. Everyday people from various government departments would visit him and ask him hundreds of meaningless questions about his activities during his stay in London. He was tired of giving the same answers over and over again. They did not believe him. Then they started torturing him. His ego was insulted, trampled down in an effort to break him. He was tired, weak, and injured. His protests were ignored. He was now a pitiable criminal, suffering injustice at the hands of the very people he once loved.

''Unless you tell them the truth, they will not produce you before the court." The jail superintendent advised Krishnan.

“But this is violation of law. I have the privilege to speak to my lawyer and it also is the law that I be produced before court within 24 hours of arrest. I also have a privilege to speak to my closest one, in case of such arrests. I will face the trial and prove I am innocent!''

''Forget it. We know when to bend laws. Unless we do so, people like you become a pain in our ass. Tell them the truth and you‘ll be let free!''

Krishnan's life had turned into a living nightmare.

Weeks soon passed without a ray of hope in sight. For the first time in his life, Krishnan began to hate the system. It was treacherous! It just wanted a scapegoat, not the truth! Here was a young man who had nourished dreams of serving his society! And what was he being served in return.

Krishnan was getting desperate. He would weep, but no tears would flow from his eyes. The visits from the authorities begun to slowly began to lessen. Finally, they stopped coming, as though they had forgotten that there was a man named Krishnan in their custody. But his luck did not alter. His unlawful imprisonment continued. Velakkam jail housed thousands of inmates. Who was there to bother about one R.S. Krishnan?

Krishnan had lost all hope. He had got used to the horrible food served to him and all the pains that could have killed any other weak -willed person. His cell became his haven and the mosquitoes seemed not to trouble with him any longer. He began to forget that he was a well-educated man - foreign returned. All of this seemed a distant dream to him.

The months passed by. Then one rainy night a member of the Tamil Nadu assembly, Mr. R. Venkateshwaran, was kidnapped from his residence. The news shocked the state government. Newspapers printed the news in bold headlines. The kidnapping of the MLA was not taken lightly by the authorities. A massive manhunt was set in place, but in vain.

After a few days, the kidnappers established contact with the authorities and set forth their demands. One of which was the release of six of their fellow militants, one of which was one Mr. R.S. Krishnan.

The Tamil Nadu government discussed this issue with the Central government for a few days and at last accepted the demand to release the six militants.



Krishnan was in deep sleep dreaming about a reunion with his old life. The sudden rattling noise on his cell door snatched him back to awakening. The jailer himself stood before him in a strange manner.

''Get up. You are to be released.'' He said in tired voice.

''W.... What?'' Krishnan exclaimed in disbelief.

''Yes. You are free now. A wagon will take you out of Coimbatore. You are to be dropped on the Bangalore highway.”

''But.... Why? Have they finally found that I am innocent?”

''Your friends have made this arrangement.'' said the jailer in a bitter voice.

“But I do not have any friends,” Krishnan said incredulously in disbelief. But then those who had secured his release from extreme humiliation were certainly friends to him. Those he had once loved had declared him traitor. What feelings, except hatred, could he have for them?

He did not know what this release meant. Whether he can go to his home unobstructed, he did not know. Neither did he express any curiosity to know either.

Let me suffer whatever is awaiting me.

He set aside all his anxious thoughts.



Krishnan was dropped off on the Bangalore highway. The crests of Nilgiri mountain could be seen in the flashes of lightning that light up the dark night. The van which had transported him here, sped away quickly into the darkness leaving him standing there in disbelief in the pouring rain.

He stood soaking in the shower undecided as what to do next. He did not know who had rescued him. He did not know what he was expected to do. He then started walking along the highway.

''Stop!'' A voice called out abruptly from nowhere. He stood glued to the tar road frightened and uncertain. He could hear to footsteps approaching him through the deafening sound of the rain.

''Just walk along with us –“ Someone said. He tried to look at them, but in the darkness could only make out two figures. He hurried along with them. He did not know who were they. But they were his rescuers, his friends. He had to repose his trust in them.

They took him through a muddy pathway under dripping branches in the woods towards an unknown destination.

After a while, they crossed a farm where stood a house. They knocked on the door. It was opened instantly.

''We are wet and cold. Light the fire and give us dry clothes.''

In the warm interior of the house, a young man sat carelessly on a bag of food grains. The duo that had brought him to this house were young and ruthless in appearance.

The young man sitting on the gunny bag stood up and gave a broad smile.

''Tambi, how much you have suffered!'' He said deeply concerned.

Krishnan's eyes overflowed with emotions. He embraced the young man.

''We normally restrict ourselves from such forced releases. It gives us bad publicity. But when a comrade is in danger, we neglect the outcome.''

''Thanks - '' muttered Krishnan in gratitude. He had become one them. He would soon rise to become a trusted l pillar of support for the LTTE. It was 18th August 1988.





Chapter



It was late in the night when Krishnan finished his amazing story of his painful transition from being an ordinary law abiding citizen to a militant.

After a tormenting period of silence, he said, ''Tell me, Venu, if every Tamil is being suspected and treated like this, then what should we do? We shall hate that governance. We should make every effort to weaken the fundamentals of their existence. I never committed any crime in my entire life before this happened to me...and yet… see... what they did to me!”

His voice was now calm without the slightest reflection of the pain he had undergone. It just was a flat statement.

''There must be some mistake.... Something must have gone wrong… the government must have been misinformed, mislead.’’ I tried to reason.

''Yes. There was a mistake. But why on earth they denied me a fair trial? Why did they not produce me before an appropriate court of law? Have you any answer to this?”

I kept quite. His argument was irrefutable. I could not rationalize the incidents that took place in the life of Krishnan. There certainly was a big mistake. I had grown up in Tamil Nadu. My father too was a militant and had been killed by the Coast Guards in an encounter, but I had never felt any discrimination amongst us. The Tamils decorated most of the important posts in the government. The President of India too was a Tamil. We had no right to say that the Central government was treating us with hostility. But this soul of Krishnan had undergone torture and injustice. It was fair for him to consider the whole system his enemy.



"Now I am living a contended life. The path I have chosen, I am carefully and faithfully treading it.'' He said after a long pause without the slightest tremor in his voice.

''Aren't you afraid of being caught? Or, shot dead?'' I asked.

''There are chances, of course, but I am not worried. I will face that too.''

''What you are going to do when you reach the destination?”

''I don't know.'' He said honestly. “They have smuggled me out of India now. I will go and meet my superiors with the reports they are interested in. Then.... Ok, why should I tell you? You too are in danger. Your prolonged absence may stir up suspicion among your neighbours. About the police... I don't know for sure... but you too are in danger. I have not liked the way they have forced you in. I will talk to Prabhakaran about this.''

He had pointed out at the dangers I was likely to face. It troubled me. I remembered Janaki.

''I don't know whether I can reach back or not.” I said in a gloomy voice. ''I will be all alone.... And luck may or may not favour me.''

He held my hand tightly and said apologetically - ''I am responsible for this. Due to me…''

''You need not be sorry for this,“ I said earnestly, ''This is just my bad luck. But what I cannot understand is that when you people have such a vast network of your own, why use me?”

He released my hand and looked out at the dancing waves.

'' SIT has been keeping a strong vigil on all possible suspects. My life could not be risked in their hands.''

''Are you so important in the organization?" I asked.

He said nothing lost in his own thoughts.

''This is my promise... when you reach back home safely, no one will ever bother you again. I will see to it."

This statement of his did not stir any hope in me. I just nodded, acknowledging his concern.

''No soldier can bring victory if he is forced to fight without motivation. You are not motivated. You are aloof from all this and will be kept so in future.''

''You will lose your battle.” I said. ''You can never win. Your ways are treacherous. You are a band of vicious murderers. You did not kill a man, but the future of this country!” I said in a tremor.

He gave a scornful laugh.

''Those who betray us have to be punished. And we have punished him...''

His cool, matter-of-fact voice sent a shiver down my spine. I could not stand besides him. He was ruthless. Without a glance at him I returned to the control room and uneasily checked our direction. The fuel tank needed refilling. But it could wait until morning. I sat down on the chair, lost in thought.



The wind was rising fast. It was afternoon but the sun was hidden behind huge columns of dark clouds. High waves were jolting the trawler. I tried hard to control its balance and direction. Krishnan too joined to give me a hand. Due to the heavy wind, our speed was diminished.

''There is a storm approaching,'' I shouted under the sound of the lashing wind and the roar of the sea. Against all our efforts the raging wind had gained control over the trawler. Waves, as high as mountains, were crashing onto the deck. The horizon was getting darker. My trawler and I had weathered many storms in the past but now my aging trawler hardly seemed able to sustain the heavy blows of the waves.

Krishnan's face was darkened. This part of the strait was dangerous. We were near the Lankan coast. This storm had created a hurdle in our way. Clutching the rails we tried hard to maintain our balance as the trawler was tossed up and down with tremendous force. The darkness, the howling wind and the rising waves were terrifying. I muttered prayers, like all sailors do when caught in a storm.

Hours later, the wind changed direction

''It will recede now-'' I said. Krishnan was standing beside the door wet and tired. He gave a weak smile of reassurance.

''What we can do is just pray and wait. We are so small and helpless before the might of nature.'' I said.

''Shall I tell you the truth?"

''What?"

''I have no faith in god!’’ he said in sad voice, ''My life got spoiled. I was deprived of my family. I wanted to live the life of gentry. But look at me, Venu.... what they have done to my life...''

Never before had I seen him so depressed. I rose from the chair and delicately balancing myself walked towards him.

''You’re not happy with the militants, are you Krishnan?'' I asked hopefully.

His eyes flashed for a moment, then became flat as before.

''See to the wheel, we are moving towards the shores...''

I turned back. The sky thundered. The wind howled as if outraged. I held the wheel in damp hands and began to say my prayers once again.

The storm receded after a while. The clouds flew away on the winds and the appearance of the evening glow of the setting sun in the western horizon brought a sense of relief to us. We were moving towards the east.

I pumped out the water the trawler had taken in and corrected our direction after consulting the map and compass.

We were near the Lankan coastline. We could make out a green tinge at the southern horizon.

''We will sail forth in the night,'' suggested Krishnan. I nodded in agreement. Our brief reunion was about to be over in a few hours.

''Just few more hours now... and we shall see each other off..." muttered Krishnan. I looked at him sharply.

''It would have been better if we had met under different circumstances. But it's destiny. It defeats our dreams and desires.'' I said morosely.

We had yet to sail a long distance. Krishnan said nothing, his face reflecting an unknown turbulence within him.

''I am hungry,'' he said. “We haven't eaten anything since morning.''

It reminded me of my own hunger. We went down to the small cabin where I had stocked eatables and arranged bread and dry fish for both of us. We ate quietly avoiding each other’s gaze. The whole day had been so tiring

''Krishnan...” I said when I had finished, ''you need lot of rest. You are not fit for the hard work. Yet, you chose the life of an outlaw. Think.... and one day try to abandon the present life. Will you?

Krishnan looked at me pitifully.

''Poor Venu! I have selected this path not by my own wish. They threw me out like an unwanted creature from their society. The society to which I had decided to render my services and soul.” He said sharply and added, in vehemence, "I am an unlucky man, alright? I have not chosen this life with my own wishes. I do not wish to waste my life like dead fish. I am a man and I behaved like a man. Trust me. I could not let them swallow my soul. My soul is free and can act as it wishes.”

There was not the slightest tinge of remorse in his voice.

''But you cannot accept the present life as it is…you should not!''

''True. I cannot. But what choice do I have? I console myself with the thought that may be god needs me to do the things I am doing. I am not a fatalist. But the more you think the more you get entangled in the web of futile tragedy. I have experienced it many a time since I have been what you call an outlaw.''

''But, why do you hide something from me, when you know we will never meet again in future?" I asked in a pained voice.

''What else I can do, Venu?” He asked me in outburst of his soul, ''I never had been a fatalist. I never believed in destiny and its unaltered course! I know that there must be a fatal mistake committed by those bastards. I am not that big a fool not to understand this, Venu, that I accept things, as they appear to be. No. I am not a fool. But even knowing there must be some mistake, what else I can do? You cannot challenge all that which tries to obstruct your path all the time. Life is too short for it, Venu. Do you think I really love blood shed? No. Not at all! But I have been made a scapegoat. I do not have any personal ambition left to live for, as they think. Here or there.... what life I have got now? I Wish I could kill those bastards who believed in the story that I was mixed up with the LTTE. I wish I could avenge that mysterious story of my release. But they released me from one hell to put me in another, but where I feel I have more freedom than the previous jail! That’s it, my dear friend. That’s the true, sad story. And it’s a story. What do you think a man can do under the circumstances? You have to bend before the circumstances. As you too have failed. As others too have failed. You fear death. But death, believe me, Venu, is the greatest trade on this earth.

“I too loved my country as everybody does. I too had dreams to become someone special in the same society. But... again, forgive me for being a fatalist, it's destiny after all. Whether you believe in it or not, it rules your soul.''

He paused for a while, looked at the skeleton of the fish in his hands, and then continued...

''I am taught to be secretive. But my life has become the strangest secret of all. I am living a dual life. Something else in mind and something different on my lips, that sort of a life. This bloody life! The bloody god and this bloody world we are living in! If you want to live, either you have to choose the life of a humble suffering man, or you have to take side the people who wield power.

“You have to adopt some philosophy or the other…. without it you cannot live, and moreover, even if you think in depth and try to push forward your own thoughts, you are thrown out of the community. And one can not break ties with the society he is living in. Now I am part of a different society. I have accepted the ideology of that society I am living in. And yet this very society bothers me a lot. I too can’t break laws of the society I have chosen to live in.”

He looked agitated. He was trying not to raise his voice, but failed. His agonies were wrapped in the words he spoke. I felt pity for him. He was spewing forth year’s hatred and cruelty he had been fed on. Now he stood naked before my eyes. In his honest outburst was the true rational Krishnan I had known.

I wanted to say something. A mist was gathering in my eyes. I felt I was standing on a faraway shore from Krishnan. His deep agonies and his confusion and his thoughts all made me shiver. His outburst was futile, I knew. He had to live in the society he was forced to choose. He had to scheme, plan and execute the brutal executions. What was end of this anyway? One day he too will have to swallow cyanide pills or take bullets in his heart. I read his destiny in the thick mist. I wanted to cry for him. I wanted to stop him. But I knew it was useless. Destiny had played its ugly game. No retreat was possible now. I cleared my eyes.

I stood up and hugged him closely.

Insane Krishnan...

And who was I?

A fool!





We sailed along the coast towards the east. The mountains on the coast, covered by coconut plantations and woods were but mere shadows in the dark misty evening. I had put the lights off, as I do not want to attract attention.

Krishnan turned the radio on. It was time for the evening bulletin. Krishnan liked to listen to the news.

“The most wanted accused in the assassination of late Mr. Rajiv Gandhi, Shivrasan and Shuba have been exposed by the Special Investigation Team at Bangalore. Armed police have surrounded their place of hiding and it is expected that at any moment the police will enter the premises. ''

Krishnan recoiled with a gasp. His face distorted strangely.

''What happened, Krishnan?'' I asked deeply concerned, touching his arm.

''This is preposterous. Utterly impossible...''

"What...what is impossible...?"

''They could never find it out. It was a top secret. No... something is wrong, Venu...terribly wrong.” Krishnan was shaking furiously, his face ashen.

The newsreader continued with the news as though a major scandal had been exposed.

I too was curious to know how they could find Shivrasan.

Krishnan sat down putting his head on his knees.

Why he was so shocked? SIT had been hunting the culprits with all its force. One day they were bound to caught. The arrests were inevitable.

Then why did Krishnan turn faint? Was there any other reason to it? Krishnan was lying to me. He was hiding something from me. There was something queer about his behavior.

I looked expectedly at Krishnan.

''Why are you shocked, Krishnan? Anyway this bastard had to be caught. He was insane. He killed a man of vision. Good that he is located and soon will be arrested.“

He lifted his head and looked at me with pity. He tried to say something, which was beyond my comprehension. I kept on watching at him in astonishment. Yes. Shivrasan’s hiding place was now discovered. Then what? It was bound to happen one day or another! Why was my fellow passenger so shocked then, just because his fellow militant was going to be arrested? Had he not himself acknowledged all the time arrests and that death meant nothing to him? Then why did he look so depressed?

I got worried.

“Krishnan, the traitors must pay their debt. He is going to be caught. It’s good for everyone. At least people will know what after all happened behind the secret screens. Why are you so shaken?” I asked again.

''Only I knew where Shivrasan was hiding! I had made these arrangements with no help from anyone. No one could possibly know that Shivrasan was hiding at Bangalore.... I personally took all the precautions. I made sure no one, a single person; even in our ranks knew where he is hiding. It’s preposterous that SIT found them. And yet…. this is impossible!”

I was shocked. The whole truth dawned upon me and I realized what could have happened. I was trembling with fear and the whole universe trembled within me....

Oh, god! No...

Krishnan was in danger....

And so was I!



The hum of the engine and the rippling sound of waves sounded frightening.

Krishnan remained motionless. I asked in a worried voice-

''Do you think they will suspect you for this leak? I think many times neighbors get suspicious. They are always watching strangers living around them curiously. Someone might have noticed something suspicious. They might have reported to the police and by luck they could lay their hands on him. May be some one from your own organization may have leaked the information to SIT....''

''No.“ He said firmly. “It is not possible.'' He rumbled. “I am in danger....”

''But why?''

''You won’t understand...''

''But I must know - '' I pressed.

''I was looking after communications in this sordid business. I transported Shivrasan and Shuba from Tamilnadu to Karnataka. I selected the refuge for them... I was to take care of their safety.... till they were shipped to some foreign country. I was directly reporting to Prabhakaran... no one else. Then tell me... how could SIT possibly have found them out? Prabhakaran himself cannot leak the news.... nor I did...then who?

''They will suspect me, Venu, they will.... they are very strict! They will doubt me.... and will gift me with a death sentence!''

''You are frightening me-'' I said feebly. I was frightened. We were near the coast, ready to cast anchor any moment now. I was worried for Krishnan.

The newsreader's voice had become inaudible. I was bitter and impatient about the queer happenings in my life. Any moment Shivrasan and Shuba would be in the hands of the police... and their arrest will cause horrible repercussions in Krishnan's life.

How did it happen? Who leaked this secret piece of information?

All of sudden Krishnan sprang to his feet and yelled in an authoritative tone-

''Turn back the trawler. I cannot go back now. They will torture me... I have seen many suffer horribly when suspected of treachery. Someone has defected... who, that I don't know of ... But in this case, I will be suspected of defection. I cannot suffer... I can not answer their stupid questions-''

I too stood up.

''Think Krishnan.... think... '' I shouted, ''I cannot turn the trawler back. I have a family. They will destroy me too if I don't deport you...'' I shouted at him in fright.

For a few moments Krishnan kept looking at me, as if he did not trust his ears with what I said. Slowly, he realized what I meant. He nodded sadly.

"Yes ... you have a family. Why should I ask you to endanger your life? I am sorry for being selfish. You deport me. Who knows, they may not even suspect me...”

There was no hope in his troubled, guilt-laden voice. I too understood that he has walked into a carefully laid trap.

He was my friend ... the only friend whom I loved and trusted. The end of our reunion was not happening the way I had expected. But I had a wife... she was pregnant... she needed me most. I could not even think of her living alone. I already had been stupid enough. Whatever happens to Krishnan it was his own destiny. He had asked for it. I was not in any way responsible for it. He was unlucky... fate had played a cruel game with him... but what could I do for him?

I knew compassion would not change anything.

I was an ordinary man. And the intensity of my feelings was limited to the boundaries laid down by my commonness. I felt ashamed of my selfishness. But there was nothing I could do about it.

"I will deport you Krishnan." I said in a low, inaudible voice to myself.

Krishnan went off to the deck, placed his hands on the rails and watched the clear sky dimly lit by the gods in the heaven!

I sat motionless drowned in a filthy viscid sea of unexplainable emotions.

The hum of the trawler reminded me that I belonged to the world of the living.

Otherwise, I was almost dead.

I gloomily checked the map. We were somewhere near the spot where I was told to deport Krishnan. He silently collected his belongings. He took out a light machine gun from his bag, as if he had prepared himself for war.

He turned to me, his face pale, and embraced me mutely. A flood of emotions swept through my body choking me. An urge to turn the trawler hammered on the ramparts of my senses.

"How strange is life, isn't it Venu?” He muttered, "My friend, all old remains of memories have crowded within me. My mind is weeping. I never lived a good life, you know? Everything went wrong for me. If there is such a thing as rebirth, I will ask the Almighty not to make me another human being."

His grip tightened. I sobbed. Tears welled up in my eyes.

"You won't forget me, Venu... will you?

He asked almost on the verge of tears.

"No ...never… I will not."

"Do not cry, Oh Venu, for this stupid creature! It was all inevitable. There is a limit how much one can sacrifice, even for a friend. I do not blame you... nor do you blame yourself... The path I chose had an inevitable sad end. Do not cry, Venu..."

I knew I was pushing my friend into the sea of torment. Even death. I knew something was terribly wrong... After all, I was human, a being of blood a flesh.



I carefully steered the trawler through shallow calm waters of the coast. I had turned on headlights, few dark images silhouetted behind the flashing torches beneath a steep rock. I slowed down the speed and came to a half. The trawler kept swinging on the waves.

" I will get down in water...,” he said.

Through the corner of my eyes, in the headlight, I could clearly see the hosts. They wore military outfits, carrying guns in their hands. Coconut plantations and other vegetation surrounded the area. Only the sound of crushing waves, walloping of trees, chirping of the night birds spread in the atmosphere. The sky looming above sparkled with billions of stars.

" The water is shallow here. You can wade through. You get down first. Then I will hand over the baggage to you"

He nodded.



" Goodbye friend. " he wailed.

" Goodbye Krishnan." I said in choked voice.

I unrolled the rope and slid it down. He caught hold of it and started getting down. I was holding his luggage in a hand and gun in other. I was watching him descending, touching waters...

A conspicuous movement startled me. I looked at the shore. I could see them.

O Lightening, lifting the weapons...someone had as if hit me hard on the chest.

" Get me my luggage..."

Krishnan yelled. He was standing in chest deep water.

" Yes Krishnan..." I muttered. He could not hear my feeble voice over roaring sound of the waves.

" Venu..." He yelled again.

I could see them, but they couldn’t see me. I could feel uneasiness straining in the atmosphere. My blood was freezing. My knees numb and mind empty. My eyes were watching them...

" Krishnan.... get down..." Suddenly I was alive. I threw my body down on the deck...a spray of bullets thundered shattering natural peace to pieces. The birds sleeping in the branches flew above making frightening voice. The thunder echoed in the woods.

The light machine gun was yet in my hand. I had no choice. I had to fight back. Never learnt in my life how to shoot. But had watched many movies. I took unsteady aim and fired back. The bullets sprayed in an uncertain direction. But the impact was soothing. They ran behind the shelter, and continued firing.

" O move trawler. I have caught rope...turn...speed up."

He yelled. I heard him. I was sweating



As I ran madly towards my cabin, my leg got struck with a coil of rope and I fell down, getting bruises all over my body and a strained leg, but somehow I managed to stand up and darted in the dark.

"Krishnan..." I wailed.

There was no response. There could not be one. I fumbled with the control panel and pressed the buttons real hard the engine roared I accelerated it, harshly turning the wheel.

The firing was not stopped. I could here the fluttering of the guns and the crashing of the bullets in metal. I engaged the wheel towards the northern direction and ran back to the deck.

"Krishnan... "I shouted with whole might. I bent down over the railings and fell the tight rope. Yes... he was hanging on it ... he was there...

"Krishnan... are you hurt?"

“Pull me up... please... " I heard a frail, suffocated voice through the murmur of the waves.

I held the end of the rope and started pulling him up. The wet rope was rubbing off my skin. But my numb hands could not sense the pain. Inch by inch, applying all my strength, I pulled him up. The time seemed like ages. But he was alive...

When I finally brought him on deck, I was gasping for the air.

Some how I controlled my breath. It was pitch dark and I could not see anything, but I was sure that Krishnan was hurt.

I asked him, "Are you hurt Krishnan?”

He made a few gestures, which made no sense to me. I pushed him towards the cabin.

The first glimpse of light fell over his body. He was wet and bleeding profusely.

The blood oozed from his left shoulder, drenching the floor with water mixed with his blood.

I looked at the wound as if it was inflicted on my body. I bent over him.

"Does it pains?"

"Yes. It pains. " He mumbled.

"Keep awake. Don't lose your senses... I will do something..."

He closed his eyes. His face was pale, like a white cloud. I shoved him in the cabin, trying my best not to hurt him anymore. But it did hurt him. He moaned and growled with pain.



I was confused. How to stop the bleeding? Had the bullet hit the joints on shoulder?

For a few moments I stood in a trance. Nothing entered my senseless head. Moments dripped from the future in present and finally got absorbed in the huge ocean of past.

Something has to be done you fool or he will die of bleeding.

A sensible thought exploded in my mind.

I bent down automatically, and tore apart his wet shirt. The movement caused a wild jerk in his body, he cried in deep pain. I shuddered and said apologetically, almost crying...

" Please. Krishnan.... please ... be.... awake..."

He said nothing.

I made him sit holding him and taking every care that he should not fell. The back of his shoulder had a bigger hole than the front. It meant that the bullet had escaped, making a hole in his shoulder. The revelation relieved me. I had no means to remove the bullet from his body. The ripped out flesh and the oozing blood had formed a new read thread over his naked back, and that troubled me.

He was lucky that the bullet had not hit him in the chest.

Suddenly I remembered I had a first aid box in the cabin downstairs. I rushed to the cabin cursing myself for not remembering it. I also remembered that I had a bottle of brandy, kept only because some times the bad weather makes breathing difficult, and I had to sip a few spoonfuls. I collected the stock and hurried back upstairs.

Krishnan fell unconscious on the floor. The salt water of sea must have tortured him... I thought. I started washing his wound with Iodine and Detol. I cleaned the area as smoothly as possible. His still face did not show any feelings. I touched his heart. It was beating in a slow pace. After cleaning the wound I bandaged it across the shoulder. It was difficult to tie the bandage, but somehow I finished it.

Then I took off his pant. With a towel rinsed his body dry, and covered him with a blanket.

The trawler was rushing towards the north. The sound of the engine resonated in the background, which provided some comfort to me. I removed the cap from the bottle of brandy and with the help of my fingers, moved his lips apart and poured the liquid in his mouth. His lips quivered. I stopped.

I too drank a mouthful of brandy. The liquid passed through my throat, causing thorny irritation. I shut my eyes, trying to erase the dreadful moments I had just gone through.

How true were Krishnan's deductions. What happened in the outskirts of Bangalore was learnt by the militants in Sri-Lanka in such a short span. They deducted that Krishnan was the only man who could or must have leaked the information. The suspicion created such a thunderstorm in the forts of militants that they jumped on the decision to kill Krishnan for his treachery! They tried it.

But they failed!

I unexpectedly foiled their vicious intentions.

Now they will be infuriated.

With Krishnan...

With me!

Is there any ray of hope that can lead me to the world of safety?

Agonies... fear...made me curse my fate! I prayed to the god... `pull me out of this dirty marsh of nightmares... make me awake on the bed at my home with the pleasant caress of my dear Janaki, let me tell her, what I suffered in the dreams!'

Or...die...

Only death can save you from the oncoming storms of ill luck! All that will happen before your eyes which you will not dare to witness!

They will not forgive you...

They will not let you escape so easily.

`Oh God! Save me...

Save my beloved wife...

Save Krishnan...'





The trawler moved forward at a steady pace.

The gusts of wind lashed against the trawler. The crescent of the moon could be seen and it's soft rays caressing the deck. The sea beyond that, sparkled like the eyes of my loving mother. The sky was bereft of clouds and the stars twinkled, as if, unattached to the worldly things. For billions of year they have witnessed much more horrid scenes that happened on the earth. They always maintained a serenity... just like an ancient sage.

This world we lived in was so different.

Here, the message of love and faith had always remained down trodden.

I could see a sea of blood dancing before my eyes.

They had the most powerful communication system. They were well equipped with the modern armaments and navigation systems.

They could not let us escape so easily. The very thought bothered me most.

I went on drinking the brandy.



I rose to my feet, fetched the binoculars and went on the deck. I looked in all the directions. The calm sea breathed deeply. The soft silvery rays of moon touched the rising waves. The scene could have made me a poet in some other situations. But at this moment no poetry spouted out. There was no sign of any frightning event. Satisfied, I turned back.

Krishnan lay still, huddled in a corner, unconscious. I got hold of the bottle. I wanted to drink it. It was the only soothing medicine to my troubled heart. I wanted to run away from the fear. I wanted to embrace a lovely sleep that could make me forget the dreadful events. I wanted to push aside the frightning thoughts... firing wildly at us... I wanted to run away from the oncoming dangers.

The night mingled with the dawn.

I sat still, dazed and frightened.

I did not know.... Whether we were moving in the right direction or not.

From all sides, fell upon me a sticky liquid of blood. Behind the curtain of that blood, someone waited on me. Beside him stood my dear Janaki. Someone had stabbed her... she bled, but yet a smile was alive on her lips... I could not fathom the depths of that smile... whether it was sarcastic... painful or... it had a touch of agonies? I wanted to call her with my heart in my mouth... I wanted to tell her something... I wanted to cry. But tears did not come! As if someone had gagged me! Something piercing was exploding my body... the man standing beside her was a demon... or was it Shivrasan? Who bloody bastard was he? I wanted to push aside the downpour of blood and jump at her... holding her hand I wanted to run... but I simply could not!

I was wide-awake.

I opened my eyes and darkness dazzled me.

Krishnan was safe. Though, he lay curled in a corner, he was breathing. I touched his forehead. It was hot as an oven. I wanted to give him Crocin, but he too needed rest! I left him in his own unconscious state.

I sat on a chair.

The new questions danced like vulgar dreams around me.

I had to wade through them.

The moment I had left the coast of India, I had surrendered myself in the hands of destiny. Now I had to face the unavoidable situations.

And I had to accept the inevitable consequences of them. I had no choice.

Now I could not go back to Madras.

By now Tyagrajan and Varadrajan should be aware of my deeds.

They will not welcome me!

They will, instead, kill me!

And I had Krishnan with me. A so-called traitor to a cause!

No I could not sail to Madras!

I had to reach another coast!

But which?

Another Question bothered me even more. All of my family members resided in Madras. They will watch my home! How could I reach my wife?

And...

Last question was... what I was supposed to do with my friend Krishnan? He was badly injured. I did not know how serious his wound was. How can I get help of a doctor?

Where shall I bid him good bye! I could not hide him all his life! They will never stop chasing him!

But even for the time being, where I should take him?

I had money with me, lots of money in fact. But could it save us from the disasters?

The questions danced and danced. Mocked at me like the vulgar whores to a penniless customer!

No answer dawned on me.





Krishnan's groan snapped me back in the world of reality.

I looked at him. His eyelids were flapping, mouth twitching and lips quivering.

I rose from the chair and went to him.

“Krishnan..." I called him.

He opened his eyes. Clouds of unknown feelings swept over his pale face. Then he tried to smile, but failed.

"I am alive...” He muttered feebly.

"How do you feel now?" I asked in a faint voice.

“Better, I suppose...."

He closed his eyes again. A wave of pain ran across his face.

"Why did you save me, Krishnan?" He asked, without opening his eyes.

I looked at him intensely. My mind wailed with unknown feelings. I held his hand tightly and said -

"You are my friend!" I tried my best to sound casual, but my choked voice did not.

“You too look hurt...Are you?"

"No.... not really...I fell down while running, that’s all ... I am all right...” I tried to assure him.

He gave a weak smile.

"Life is so strange...”

"Yes... it is..."

I knew what he meant.

“You take rest. You need it,” He said.

I sat beside him. The dawn was approaching on the eastern horizon. A faint light made every thing visible in the vicinity. Krishnan lay still for a while. I did not know what to do... my mind was perplexed with the sudden incidents that took place on the coast of Sri- Lanka. The horrifying scene floated before me like the hallucinating dreams. It was god's grace that we both were alive.

Krishnan opened his eyes again. His eyes looked like lifeless ponds. Then as moments passed, a glitter of life came to it.

" Venu---"

" Yes, Krishnan..."

" Are you alright?”

" Yes...yes...."

" Why did you do it for wretched man like me? You shouldn't have done it...death would welcome me ...it is the only ultimate escape ...isn’t it? "

"Do not speak Krishnan ...It pains you..."

" No..... nothing pains me anymore. As I shut my eyes, realms of peace embraces me and as I open my eyes a torturing present tears me apart. Am I in a dream, Venu?”

" No..You are not...."

“Alas! He murmured.

" I could never forgive myself if I had deserted you...I am not cruel, Krishnan."

" Yes. I know. I always knew that."

A stream of tears flew from the corners of his eyes. I gently wiped it out with my fingertips.

He turned his head other side.

I too closed my eyes.



Gushes of wind crashed with my body when I stood on the deck. The shimmering sea waves and the flying birds far above was no more a scene of beauty. I was desperately looking everywhere. I knew we were in utter danger, Any moment the LTTE wolves would rush after us. We had defeated them in their ulterior motives on their home grounds. How could they forgive us? I did not know their modus operandi. A commoner like me could never fight with those men with most sophisticated means at their disposal. How easily they could kill most safeguarded ex-prime minister of India! They were fanatics. Mad. Insane. They did not care a shit for human life. No values, no morals, only naked faces, with vicious motives nourished in their hearts. I had heard many stories of militants in my routine sea life. People whispered of their heinous acts. Their commitment to their cause.

A shiver ran through me as I thought of those people, who were now my enemies. I was the man who’d failed their plan to execute a traitor, the man, who, they believed had leaked the most secret plan to the authorities, thus causing great harm to their impregnable system. People took cyanide pills if they feared arrests! So committed they were to their cause.

As I thought of the future, it frightened me the most. I had two enemies now...one the Government of India and other LTTE ; the most organised gang of devoted mercenaries.

A huge rock of dumb feelings fell on me and made me a cripple. I desperately wanted to get out of this. How...I did not know. Even I did not know where to sail my trawler. How to contact my dear wife and ask her to escape...

The more I thought of it, the more puzzled I got.

I held the binoculars near my eyes and watched the leaping fish above the water. It seemed amused while showing its skills. Its silvery body shimmered in sun rays, as if the sea was emitting its mute laughter over the surface!

I heard a buzz. It almost took me aback. I turned my gaze towards the sky. It was clear like a blue slate. But in the western horizon I could spot a dark dot...flying...

I fixed the binoculars at that dark spot in frenzied action.

I could see the object clearly. Oh my God! It was a chopper!



I looked back at Krishnan. He was lost in a deep sleep. A most useless creature for the present crisis.

Who were they?

LTTE? Or the Navy?

I could not understand. My knowledge was so limited!

My whole body was almost frozen. My mind went blank as no suggestion could emerge from any direction.

I thought of speeding up the trawler. But soon it dawned upon me how useless it would be! I could never surpass the speed of a flying object!

I adjusted my focus once again and tried to see that chopper more closely.

It had black and yellow strips painted on it. No. It could not be navy. I said to myself.

LTTE......? I froze on the spot.

It was nearing speedily, as if they had spotted us!

They would try to sink this trawler.

They will pour bombs on us...even missiles...who knows?

For a few moments I was stiffened like a wooden slab.

But an animal instinct must be alive in every human being... the instinct to survive!

I could not accept the death so easily.

I could to do my best to save my life.

But how?

I ran my gaze across the boat.

The LMG, I used last night, lay at a corner.

I jumped on it like a mad dog.

Now I could clearly listen to the flipping sound of the chopper blades. I got hold of LMG and then ran towards the control cabin. I sped up the trawler, giving it uncertain zigzag directions. The trawler darted like a feared cat.

I peered at helicopter from the door of cabin. It was flying few meters above and I could see a barrel protruding out of it taking aim at the trawlers. A round of thundering bullets showered on the trawler. Few hit the metal body; many were swallowed by the vast of ocean.

Now the chopper had flown past the trawler, and it was taking another turn.

I sprang to my feet and took position on the wooden planks of the deck and tried to aim as accurately as possible and pressed the trigger.

Not a single bullet could hit the chopper.

It had turned and another round was fired at us.

I jumped back in the cabin, my heart thumping and sweat dripping from my body.

Few bullets hit the top of the cabin

Then I could listen to the explosions of bombs in water.

I could not see it from where I lay like a wet cat.

I rushed out again.

The trawler was following my orders. It was moving left and right like an uncontrolled machine.

They saw me and took the aim. I rolled over the deck, trying hard not to loose my grip on the LMG. Bullets hit the wooden planks, making holes in it.

Now the chopper was flying just above me, I could see huge round of stripped metal roaring above me.

I could catch no better aim. I hurried. I pulled the trigger. A whipping sound hit my ears making me deaf. The shower of bullets from my LMG rushed towards the chopper.

'God...please help me.'

I had prayed in that brief moment.

And yes...

Who says God never pays heed to genuine prayers?

The bullets had hit the tail...and its blades...

It was now a wounded animal.

It made scratching noise.

They were still spraying bullets at me, but since there was no co-ordination between their aim and my trawler's movement, most of the bullets were swallowed up by the ocean.

I again took the aim...

The bit of success had made me more confident.

I fired with all the possible attention.

And then I heard an explosion. I ran towards the cabin, leaving the gun on the spot, pressing my hands over my head.

I sat by the control panel. Accelerated the trawler in one direction.

The chopper exploded.

The blazing parts of it, accompanied by the blood and flesh of the occupants, and fire could be seen showering dawn. How terrifying was that scene. As if an inferno blazing in the sky.

Few burning parts fell on the trawler also. It again frightened me. It could set ablaze my trawlers.

I ran and set the pump on spraying water on the burning portions that fell on the trawler.

The fire was extinguished.

I fell down on the bundle of rope. My whole body was drenched in sweat and it ached like Hercules, lifting whole Earth on his shoulders!

I could not believe myself.

Unending urge of survival had drives me to do this unbelievable act!

But whether satisfaction was left in it?

No.

If the explosion is witnessed by someone, from far aside, they could follow the scene in mere curiosity...

This was a major offence I had committed against the LTTE.

I HAD WRITTEN A PRELUDE TO MY DEATH!

Not all can be always so lucky fighting unknown enemies!

I tried to wipe out all horrid thoughts. I instantly felt how difficult it was. I felt like crying. But no tears appeared in my dazed eyes.

I gathered my strength, got up and walked like a drunk towards the cabin.

Krishnan was wide-awake. He looked at me curiously...curiosity mixed with anxiety.

"What happened ...Venu?” He asked.

"Nothing...." I uttered feebly.

" I heard an explosion..." he insisted like a chasing curse.

" You sleep. You need rest...,” I said.

He kept looking at me with an understanding gaze. There was a tinge of gratefulness in it. Then he tried to shut his eyes. His face was contorted with agonies. He was suffering. He knew everything, but he was helpless.

I sat on a chair.

Already the entire strength had flown away from my body.

I closed my eyes.

I badly needed sleep. A sleep of Muchkunda... which would last for years...

I fell asleep!





Mahabalipuram is located near Madras. The coast around it was full of rocks and dangerous crests. No one ever dared to sail or moor on this deadly coast. No one could even sail an ordinary dinghy!

But I decided to sail towards this coast! I had been left with no choices.

I knew how dangers it would be if I sail through an unpredictable waters. I knew the coast was mostly uninhibited. I could not consult with Krishnan. He was yet in sleep.

I had to hide this trawler somewhere and reach to the safe region if possible!

The coast was visible now.

It was a fine morning. The previous night's sleep had helped me to get relieved from the imaginary tensions.

Krishnan had eaten a little in night. Though acute pain bothered him, he was very much back to himself. The Crocin tablet has helped him much! He spoke little. He felt guilty, I knew. But what was the use of it now? It was all over. We were in mortal danger.

But I did not broach this topic, as I could understand he was yet to recover from the mental shock!

The morning sun played pleasant games with the waves with its soft hands of rays. The seagulls flew in the sky and played around on the rocky coast!

I slowed dawn the speed, looked at the map confirming the area we were in. I took control of the helm and moved swiftly my darling trawler through the outrageous waters.

Krishnan was back to life by then.

He sat on the floor and asked-

"Where are we?”

"Just close to the coast---"

He seemed relieved.

The rocks, hidden in the waters, worried me the most. I did not want any catastrophe take place by the hands of detached nature. The tidal flow was at it's best. The trawler was heaving on the waves. I was considering the speed and mood of the waves. My knowledge as a sailor was at test.

The coast was rocky. The rushing waves were crashing against the peak making deadly noise. The jaws of the towering waves could send shivers in hearts of the bravest of brave men.

Krishnan too, now on his feet, was watching the view.

At the left side, a cliff was submerged in the sea. In the cove thundering waves were crashing in. In front was a rampart of huge rocks. To the right was a normal calm coast, but the protruding rocks through the rushing waves could not let us sail through them.

" Where can we moor?" asked Krishnan in a worried voice! “ This seems to be a dangerous area."

I did not answer.

How to reach the coast was the only question flashing before my busy mind.

I was sailing through visible and invisible rocks. The crescendo of rocks was nearing. The waves were exploding like a thunderbolt. I was tensed. I was swooping up and down with the movements of waves.

There was an unending empire of white drizzle of water.

I was at my ultimate skills.

Every wave was an invitation of death to us!

Now the row of huge rocks was few yards away from us.

And only then...

I located a strait between two huge peaks.

It was a narrowest strait, most dangerous! But if I had to avoid colliding with deadly rocks, I had to sail through that strait.

I did not know what waited beyond that strait.

But I had little time to think and act.

Consulting with the incoming waves and the distance and direction, I sped the trawler and turned the helm in such a manner that in that narrow strait, I plunged in my trawler.

I saw ahead.

" Hurrrrrah…!” I yelled.

Krishnan too joined me.

In front lay a vast pond of sea water, which in no way resembled the outrage we had just left behind. It was calm water, spread like a saucer. Beyond the water lay curves of sandy beach, untouched by the human existence. Our strained mind was relieved at the sight of that pleasant scene.

I moored the trawler on the shore. The bright sunrays touched the sandy bottom of the sea. A throng of fish swept smoothly across the water. The reflection of the sun's rays danced on the sideboard of the trawler. THE SHORT JOURNEY FROM THE MONSTROUS WATER TO THIS spot was unbelievable.

I loitered on the deck, a little mesmerized. No thought appeared on the slate of my mind.

Krishnan too was in the same state of mind.

"Let us get down." Krishnan snatched me back from my reverie.

He had started collecting his belongings, which were scattered on the deck.

Let us leave the trawler here itself. I do not think anyone would intrude into this region.

I did not reply.

Krishnan's face was now showing signs of anxiety. He gave me a worried look. He wanted to speak but restrained himself.

We both were in a confused state of mind.

Soon we were to step on the land of uncertainty and unknown dangers, crowded by enemies.

How rightly Krishnan had said, " No again birth of this human being...”

In early life we are taught profoundly the importance of the truth, justice and virtues and an unending list of moral values and in the practical life you go on learning how futile were the lessons and faiths you were taught. Life is not full of virtues and not at all truth. It is an illusion. And if at all no truth exists…why life?

I spit on it.





"Let us go," said Krishnan.

What was happening to me again and again? Why was I getting drowned in the marsh of uncalled feelings? I cursed myself.

"Krishnan ...I have a lot of money with me." I said hesitatingly

"What do you mean you have a lot of money." Krishnan asked in a confused tone.

"I have almost fifty lakh rupees with me."

"What?"

"Yes.... the price for deporting you."

“Oh! “He sighed. "You took it with you...on this trawler? "His voice was incredulous.

"Yes I never wanted that money. I never believed I would come back. I would never let my wife use that bloodstained money…you know. If the trawler drowned.... the money too would rest at the bottom of the sea.”

He gave an understanding smile.

"But we may need it now."

"We cannot carry all the money..."

"Yes. Let us bury it some where on the shore. Take only what we can carry."

"And guns?"

"No," he said, "it will do no good. People will get suspicious. We want to go to a safe area. I have a revolver...enough Bullets no problem."

I started collecting the necessary article. Some food...clothes...money...and that heavy bag which contained almost 49 Lac rupees.

"We may not be far away from some village, but let us avoid them for a while."

I nodded in agreement.

Krishnan had started thinking and that made me relieved. I was a dumb man in such type of situations.

"Now we have money.... a gun.... a good start indeed, except my wounded shoulder and an inexperienced colleague..." he said in a jolly mood.

I too laughed.

“I had hit that goddamn helicopter...don't forget that."

"Oh yes... a brave man you are!"

"By the way Krishnan, I have another piece of news for you."

"What? Are they caught?"

"No. There was some firing, but they swallowed cyanide. The authorities got only a heap of corpses."

"I knew that. "He said non-committaly. “ That’s standard procedure to follow in such situations. I knew Shivrasan would not surrender.”

" But this does not alter the situation for us. They will be after us like wild wolves. So far we are secure, but how long we can run away from them? Tell me, how do you propose to stalemate them?” I asked in a matter-of -fact way.

"I don't know. As of now I have nothing in my mind." he said honestly, "They believe no one. I was a hard core militant. I had planned to smuggle them out of the country. That's why I transported them to Bangalore. SIT could never smell their existence out there. But why are they suspecting me? I haven’t leaked the news. Something amiss has happened and I am curious…yes I am curious to know what exactly went wrong."

"You didn't do it. Then who?"

"I don’t know."

"Then.... who else it could be?"

"I don't know. I am not yet sure as to what is going on. Shivrasan was so important to us. He had successfully executed all the dangerous assignments. He was the most trusted man..."

I kept quite for a while, looking at the top of the dense woods.







“Let us get down first. I need some time to think...,” said Krishnan.

I accepted his command. I got down in the shallow water.

Then slowly I helped him descend beside me.

His left hand had become numb and hence out of order for the time being. Even a slight movement would pain him.

" You were wonderful last night...,” he said while we waded through the water. The touch of smooth sand pleased me." You shattered that chopper to pieces. That too with their own weapon! They could never dream of it!"

"Even a coward acts courageously in the time of crisis. It is the animal instinct of surviving that rules the mind when faced with danger."

He laughed.

We came on the sandy shore.

"Where to bury this bloody money?”

"Look there.... the tree with huge trunk, digs a hole and bury it. No one is going to touch it there!"

I believed in his judgement. It was a soft ground so digging a ditch was not much difficult. I shoved both the suitcases in the ditch and buried them under soil.

" By chance, if someone hits this place he will be the luckiest bastard on the earth." Krishnan said.

I gave a sardonic laugh.

" Who knows! Money does not bring happiness all the time!"

"True, “ he said, " But people starve for it all their life. How many of them know the futility of it? This is the land of an ancient civilisation, of most profound philosophy, and today it has turned so mean and treacherous!"

I acknowledged his agonies with a silent nod.

In disgust I spat on the buried money and adjusted haversack on my back and muttered-

" Let us move now--"

He shrugged and started walking towards the deep woods. I followed him.

" Now tell me, Krishnan, how did you get yourself caught in this danger.... Please don't hide any thing form me, I have some privilege now."

We were silently walking through the dense woods. My sudden question startled him and he looked at me in bewilderment.

" You have witnessed how they welcomed us as soon as they got the news of Shivrasan's exposure. This has happened so fast. I can not believe that they decided to kill you the moments they heard the news. This is not an easy decision to kill their most trusted man just because he is a suspect. And that too so fast! What is the real reason?”

I could not believe my own words.

He slowed down his pace, as if to digest my blatant statement.

"That's what worries me the most!" He tried to sound honest. “ Its true that they couldn’t act so fast. There are ranks and commands to pass on information and orders. As it is I was walking in their camp with no suspicion. They could have questioned me later and even punish if they didn’t believe in me. No…this has been happened the way they always like to happen in such cases. My mind is in abyss honestly. Something terribly has gone wrong. What…I don’t know.”

" Is there any other reason, Krishnan?"

" I do not think so...you are suspecting me, Venu?"

" I am not. The chain of incidents is not at all logical. We heard the news at seven in the evening. And by eleven thirty you were welcomed with a spray of bullets. Why?”

"I don't know...,” said Krishnan.

"Tell me the truth... Krishnan... at least you owe that to me!"

"Yes. I owe you my life to you. How can I tell you how grateful I am to you? Shivrasan was a very important man. Like me he too was most trusted lieutenant. Only Prabhakaran, Shivrasan and I knew the real things about this whole gamut. I physically handled the assignment to ship him immediately after the assassination. I had been discreet and met no one even from our section. I was totally on my own. I even did not report anybody of my actions in this connection. So there is no chance of the interception of transmissions. Shivrasan too was out of communications as soon he was deported to the coast of India and only I was in his touch since then. The truth is there is some confusion... some grave mistake... Shivrasan could never be traced unless Prabhakaran or Shivrasan or I myself tipped it off to the police. Prabhakaran can't do that, nor does I. Shivrasan cannot invite his own death. Then who.... who is the traitor? And why these fools don’t understand that if I were the culprit I wouldn’t have walked back in the lion’s cave!

"And another point Venu, I too know that it is impossible to take the decision to kill me in such a hurry. I know the system! Hell... there is a lot of confusion! The day I joined LTTE, I was honest to their cause! I hated India. It’s so-called stance of being neutral. Its peace loving policy. Its secularism and its so on! I had devoted myself to the cause of Tamil's. I believed it to be the only ancient, pure and sacred civilisation, which needed its past revived in India and in Sri Lanka too. I hated Hindi and everything Indian. I Preferred Tamil and English over the language of the rulers! I hated Rajiv Gandhi for his decision to send peace army to fight against us! We made the schemes and plans...and though we lost many lives...we did it! We defeated the powerful Indian Army on the lands of Jaffna.

" Moreover...we hated Sri-Lantern government. The Buddhists all the time ridiculed us. They kept us away from the important jobs. Trampled our egos and feel of safety. As if we were aliens in the country where we migrated centuries ago. Indian Government too fooled us. Prabhakaran met Rajiv Gandhi in order to find console. But he said the fight shall stop and in return Lankan Government will negotiate the burning issues up front. But what happened? They sent an army against us. Prabhakaran and all the leading commanders had to find safe rescue. They hid wherever it was possible. Our brave militants fought with vigor and valor. We administered thousands of means to send chill in their hearts! Yes, I was so devoted that I too dreamt of revival of the Tamil nation! The fact remains that they deceived us.

" And look...what they did to me too! First this bloody government of India and then the LTTE. In whom should I trust now, tell me my friend?"

I was trying to digest what he said. His outburst was genuine. At least I felt so.

" Whoever has tipped the authorities has done the right thing! Both deserved the death of a mad dog. Their soul will never rest in peace! Cursed men were those who killed a future! You know not friend; visionaries are always scarce in this world. Rare they always are! And you people only for the sake of your own revenge ended a dream." I roared back in deep agonies. " Do you know that you have opened the doors of chaos and anarchy. You have generated instability! You have tried to weaken a nation. Let me tell you, Krishnan, this Tamil nationalism will never come true. One day, your people will become an extinct species, just like the Dinosaurs and Lions. But this nation will somehow survive. What you talk of the racial pride? Do you in real sense know what race is? It’s all nature who has defined our body structure and way of life. Whites are white because they have been in entirely different circumstances. What is race after all? What is culture? If we are ready to kill our fellow beings what meaning is in boasting of culture? I spit on such culture. Why not stop bloody violence and look at the tomorrow with wide-open eyes? And see you are today repenting because your own people tried to kill you and have now abandoned you. Now tell me what culture, which race and what philosophy you are going to profess? What is in your deepest of heart right now? You are confused. Your soul is fighting with itself. You know not what to do, how to react, how to confront the new situation, how to prevent oncoming dangers, how to respond to the moments that are pouring in one after one. You speak of injustice and politics. What do you know after all what the justice and politics is? No my friend, you are a sucker. You have lost the fight. A defeated soul you are.

“ I know not my friend what goes on behind the iron curtains of the terrorists and politicians chambers. I know only thing that after all they too are part of our psychological body. We simply can not state how wrong they are. If they are wrong, the aspirations of the community are wrong. The people get what they deserve. Why you wanted jobs only because you were in minority? Why did not our brothers in Lanka tried to rise up based on intellect and hard work? Why not our people got mingled in the society they chose centuries ago as a haven? Why they remained aloof from the people they were supposed to be part of?

“ And see now, we both are conspirators. We are running away from our own community and law. You are in danger and am I too. I am innocent. All the time I wanted not to do what was asked me to do by the culprits. You were on the mission of your own people and yet, your life is hated by your mentors.”

I completed my sentence in almost a cry.

Krishnan held me in his compassionate embrace.

" I acknowledge your feelings, but my dear you are just a commoner who doesn't have any strong hand in the dirty political games that take place behind the curtain! You know the things via newspapers. And most of them are controlled by a bunch of people who let you know, hiding real facts, whatever they feel best in their interest. You live in an era of propaganda. Truth is far away from everybody. You tend to believe the things they want you to believe. We too have a bunch of the so-called thinker who profess our philosophy in this or that language. It is just like RSS. Or SS of the past. No difference. All rulers are alike. Your government never understood the aspirations of the Tamil youth. Why? Why sent army to defeat us? Weren’t we the freedom fighters to gain life in the lands where our people are living since centuries? Why Sinhalis tried to trample down our rights? Wasn’t it unjust act from there part? Who did ever try to tell them what they did was not right? Only because we are in minority and lacked in means to protect our interests? Hell with it! The lost honor must we win back. And you believe in their propaganda?”

I gave a deep sigh.

“ No friend…you failed to understand.” I said.

But a revelation startled me. How true it was! Weren't I believed in the newspapers? Didn't I always form my opinions based on the information I received from the newspapers? In reality, what did I know of the clandestine affairs that took place behind the closed doors?

I sighed again; Krishnan kept on looking at me with sympathy. He held my hand in an effort to soothe me.

" Truth, nobody on earth knows the truth!” he said, "Truth is a sacred word, but somehow it has lost its own meaning. No truth prevails. Only the victorious boast of truth prevails, though howsoever false it might be! Venu, my friend, let these revelations do not bother you. I've seen it all, I have experienced it, and my heart rejected it, but the brain, the instinct of survival wouldn't listen to the heart!

" I obeyed the commands of my brain... I had to. If I do not, where else would I go?"

The cruel face of the world shocked me. I bent on my knees; head drooped and tears rolling down my cheeks.

" Why...why then we want to live on this earth at all? Death could be a blessing!" I mumbled.

" But why should we die? No Venu, my friend...please do weep! Only the brave hearts can breathe on this earth. We are not going to die! We will fight it out! We will disrobe these bastards, who did such a horrible things to our lives!

" Get up my dear..." he said. But he too sat down on the grass and looked in my eyes. He patted on my head, but it could not soothe my agonies.

It was a solitary abode. The wind rustled through the leaves of the tall trees. A silence, which could rake ones deeply, buried emotions, ruled over me.

"Venu... please calm down!"

I looked at him. His face was morose and emotional!

I too held his hand and said, "Alright! If this is the truth, that we are to be sacrificed on the altar of unholy circumstances then let it be so, for now I can't change the course of events. Your own people have now turned enemies and they won't rest till they kill us! On the other hand, the Government of India too is our enemy. Now how you propose to deflate their vindictive approach?"

" Good...that you've realised the stark reality."

I had no choice but to accept.

I got up and looked at the shimmering sky through the dense cover of the trees above!

" Someone has ditched you Krishnan. Think. There must be some mistake on your part. Someone else too knew what you were up to. Who could it be?"

Krishnan waited to gather his memories.

" I don't know honestly.... but it appears the way you say. Someone else has defected and blame is on my head. I must have committed some mistake…but nothing comes to my mind."

" How often did you meet Prabhakaran?" I asked the question.

" Very rarely...unless there was some urgent matter to discuss. Otherwise we would communicate through our system. Prabhakaran is a discreet man, you know.”

" You say that only Prabhakaran and you knew where Shivrasan is hiding?"

" Exactly---"

" Any possible leakage in communication?"

" No. I told you there was no communication since I met personally Prabhakaran and discussed the final plan. I was prohibited from any communication, as we knew Government of India would try to intercept all the possible communications and try to decode them under circumstances. We couldn’t take risk. "

" Were you to transport Shivrasan and Shuba, to Sri-Lanka?"

" No. We had decided to ship them to the U.S. Shivrasan had to be operated... he was blind with one eye... you know?”

"Yes- what then?"

“Shivrasan was an important man for us. His safe passage was important. He could have been brought back to Sri-Lanka as soon the danger was over."

" But...how did you people managed that?"

" What?”

" Assassination of Rajeev Gandhi, what else?"

He looked elsewhere.

" Tell me..."

" Well, frankly speaking Venu...I too know very little about it."

" I can't believe that ...Krishnan..."

" Yes...I know. Assassinating the leader of a country like India is not something that can be performed by amateurs! Indeed there was a meticulous planning. They had means. They knew how Rajeev Gandhi would greet the people who come to join his campaign. They counted on that. They had people ready to explode themselves at many other places wherever he went. Finally they got a chance in Tamilnadu. They thought it was the right answer. His destiny was marked. Everything worked out as they had planned! They had bunch of human bombs ready to receive this honor. I had nothing to do with who did what. My assignment was well defined. I just had to take away Shivrasan to safe haven. And I did that. This was my part in whole gamut."

"Then, how on earth, Shivrasan was located?"

There was a wretched smile on Krishnan's lips.

"That's what, I do not know."

I kept silence for a while. I had regained my composure.

" There are hints in the newspapers that the assassination was preconceived by foreigners, is it true?" I asked.

" I suspect, it is true."

" Who?"

" I do not know for sure, Tambi."

" But you can guess!"

" Yes. I can.”

" Then who?”

" The C.I.A....."

" Why on earth the CIA?"

" It's just a doubt...based on some incidents I witnessed...."

" Okay."

"Do you know what happened in Russia?" He asked.

" I know. Communism breathed last there."

" They did it! They infiltrated their men in that country at every level. The process was going on for years. A few of them even became members of the Polit bureau. And do you know another story?"

" Tell me..."

" Perestroica was not initiated by Gorbachev at all! That’s what I heard. Those men initiated drastic changes with all their might! They forced Gorbachev to adapt to Perestroika and Glasnost! They want to rule this globe. They humbled Russia with their whole might, because all the time they were afraid of Russians. They wanted to end cod war. And see…it really is ended. And now they want India to be a slave of their ever-growing ambitions! They don’t want India to be a powerful. And India could be powerful with Gandhi family in which major populace trust. Now with the death of Rajiv Gandhi the future politics is going to shape in entirely different manner. Actually this is a newly invented imperialism! Do you read newspapers?"

" Yes of course, I do."

" Have you read the articles, professing that now India should abandon its policy of being neutral. They vehemently argue that after the fall of Soviet Union, India has no powerful friend left on the globe. They say, India should grow under the shadow of America. She should sign C.T.B.T and N.P.T. unconditionally. And further, they state that if India walks on the track of America, it can became strong and a developed nation.

" If not, India will lose it's importance and would lead miserable status in the global scenario. And above all, they dare to say that If India befriends the U.S., terrorism in India will come to an end. Isn't it?"

" Yes. Its true, I must admit!"

" India is well equipped to explode and test nuclear weapons. The tests are long awaited. Yet, they can not do this. Why?"

" You tell me."

“ Because, Pakistan too have nuclear weapons. India is not exploding its weapons only because Pakistan too, in retaliation will explode its weapons!"

" Now, let me tell you a bare fact. The U.S. has infiltrated its men everywhere and with the help of money they are causing havocs in other countries. Of course, we too did that miracle with money that flown in from the countries that had so called sympathy in our fight. Not only money but weapons too. What was ultimate gain to those who supplied us money and weapons? I always have thought about this. And where money failed, with our best efforts to infuriate the feelings of downtrodden people we succeeded in impossible tasks! It was our power. But what those downtrodden people have got till this date? Tell me. But that's the very reason why they could do all these things in India, unobtrusively! Its all a big game I too know very little of. Just guesses and doubts. Who has concrete proof?”

After a while he continued, “ Tambi, It was India first to assist us. The Tamils in Tamilnadu too helped us with passion. They too wanted to form Mahanadu. That’s the dream they are seeing from the day of India’s freedom. But India never had firm policy and that led LTTE to form another alliances. There are many countries that want instabilities in different zones. USA is topper Tambi…they have power, money and determination to rule the world. Rajiv Gandhi planned India’s future in different way. He wished to bring new economy that could overthrow the yoke of the past and take India in new millenium with confidence and power. His assassination just was not the plot designed by LTTE. LTTE knew what great danger they are walking in with the assassination of Rajiv. But they had plausible reason to kill him. And they had friends who wanted this man, danger of tomorrow to them to be eliminated. Again guesses, but the logic helps tambi. Tell me, only USA had logical reason to eliminate this man to safeguard their interests in Asia. Oh! Its even tiresome to think.” He let out a sigh.



The revelation shocked me. I realised what big fools we are; we go on living a blind life! The things that appear so simple on surface have depth of an iceberg!

" It's all so very horrible!" I mumbled!

" I know! “ Said Krishnan in deep voice. " But what one can do? There are no moral values anymore! Those are felicitated who preach the philosophy of the rulers! Only those are in the lime light who devote their life to perform on the tune of the rulers. What prevails, after all, is no truth!”

" Even then you became a militant!” I said. It was a flat statement. No tremor.

"I had to survive. I joined them because I did not want to rot in the jail. I had to preach the philosophy of my lifesavers. I had to act as per their desires. I had no choice. Many a times I would think in depths of the heart whether I really liked the life I was leading? No. I was frustrated and yet never a slightest hint appeared on my face. And I still do not know why on earth I was arrested? Why did they detained me in the jail illegally? What else would you expect me to do in such circumstances, worship the establishment? No Venu, I am grateful to those who had rescued me from that hell. It was better to join surge of violence than to serve the society which had put a blur on my head."

His voice rose to a shrill.

I kept on walking with an empty head.

" You yet participated in ethnic violence!"

" Yes...if you say so!"

" Why?”

" No choice! "

Now we had approached a stream with a heavy flow. The water was deep and had curls and vicious face and the noise deafening. We looked at each other. Krishnan cried, “ Let’s hold hands and try the depths…”

I laughed.

We held each other's hand and fighting the vicious force of water somehow crossed the stream. I felt exhausted.

Now the woods were scanty and less dense. The chirping of the birds overpowered the silence of the jungle.

It was almost 4 p.m.

The rays of sun were slanting.

We kept on walking silently. But as yet, there was no sign of any human settlement.

" Now...tell me Krishnan, what we are up to? I asked, "We cannot enter Madras, they must be waiting for us. Nor we can run away elsewhere, for my wife, is in danger! I am scared Krishnan."

Krishnan held my hand tightly, glanced at me. There was guilt in his eyes.

" No ...I won't let it happen…"

I laughed ruefully.

"You are wounded Krishnan and I am a fugitive with no skills whatsoever. How do you propose to rescue Janaki from the clutches of death?"

Krishnan did not answer. The roaring water of the stream sounded torturing.

" Our that little bravado has worsened the situation, Krishnan."

" You had no choice...,”he said.

" What do you think Krishnan, I could have left you in the jaws of death? No. I had no choice. I couldn't have let you die like that, you bastard. All I am worried about is Janaki...Krishnan.... I am worried about her. She is alone. They must be counting on the fact that somehow I will try to contact her. They are present everywhere... you know it. Now tell me...what we should do?”

" We both are in danger. I have none to weep on my death. Even if I die fighting those bastards it wouldn't matter. But you are not alone, Venu you have a wife."

" Janaki is pregnant."

He looked at me awkwardly.

"I can't even congratulate you..." he whispered in a desperate voice.

"Doesn't matter." I said, "Tell me how can we get out of this danger? We can't live in this forest forever, we must go to Madras, but it is impossible! I don't know how Krishnan, I am simply baffled..."

Krishnan said nothing. He was in a sort of trance. I stood immobile, confused and exasperated.

After a long silence Krishnan spoke.

"I've a choice. I can surrender to the Indian Police. I may propose a deal with RAW. I may become governments witness. They may pardon me for I never actively did involve myself in any physical violence. I may provide them vital information they will just jump at..."

He paused. I kept on looking at him as intensely as if he was the sole survivor on the earth.

"But then what about you?" He asked matter-of-factly. "They may provide you protection, at least for a while. But I know them. Just like Mafia's. They will wait till security is loosened. Moreover, any security dose not matter here for when they can easily assassin a ex-prime Minister, You will be vulnerable to more easy death you just simply can't escape it. You owe my life. I just can't let it happen." He said thoughtfully.

He was confusing me.

"Cut it short Krishnan, just tell me what has to be done?"

"That's what I am thinking, Venu. I know we are in danger and also your Janaki. We have no friends at present. As you did not abandon me I too will never desert you, mark my words!

“LTTE is very powerful and resourceful. The government of India is also dangerous for us. We can not trust either of them. If, we can somehow move Janaki to a safer place and once we escape out of Tamilnadu and find refuge elsewhere, we might be safe. We have enough money to make things easier. Janaki has to be moved... and sooner."

"But how?" a question wobbled out of my mouth.

Krishnan's face was lit up with a newfound hope.

"I know them. I know their ugly traits. I can penetrate in their system. I know the well-established network in Tamilnadu. The communication system is developed and installed by me only. If luck favors us I can confuse them. At least for a while.”

I looked at him incredulously!

His eyes sparkled and he laughed.

"This is sort of a war and we are at weaker side. The only hope we have is, if we do not give them any chance to counter attack, we may win. Venu, henceforth life will be full of dangers. We have challenged this danger and now let us teach them a good lesson and with all our might!"

"You are talking dangerous!"

He laughed, "Do you really think so?"

"They will simply blow us to pieces. They can even bomb my house. What do you mean be brave and fight son of a bitch? Have you gone mad?"

"Then tell me what do you have in your goddamn head. I cannot think of anything else."

"I have no idea... at least for the moment."

"Then trust me. I can do that!"

"You are wounded... Your brain is day dreaming. Think of some practical solution, Krishnan."

"Your only Problem is how to safeguard Janaki. Isn't?"

"Yes."

"Going to Police station to lodge a complaint will be a funny idea." he said, "They will first lock you up and by the time you reach a competent authority, your Janaki will be no more."

"Shut up you bastard, one more word and you will have bullets in your arse...."

"I am introducing you to the possibilities"

"They are worst"

"Then just go to Madras, enter your house as if nothing has happened and take your wife in your warm embrace!"

"Now for heaven's sake Krishnan, will you stop joking. We are in a dangerous situation. Why don't you think something seriously."

“So, at least, you acknowledge the dangers!"

"I have my reasons!"

"Good, it is good to be reasonable! You know that you simply can not walk in your house, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Neither you can trust the Police nor you can enter your own house, for you know well that LTTE is waiting there to welcome you with all eagerness! “

"I should have let you die." I said matter-of-factly.

"You should have!" said Krishnan. "But now your can not reverse the course of events. You have sent their chopper to Pieces!"

"I seriously regret that!"

"Afterthought is useless!"

"I know that!"

"Then why not trust me and assist me so that we can rescue Janaki?"

"I have no choice." I said regretfully.

"Look, once we safely rescue Janaki, we can move to the north, LTTE have no influence in north, I know for sure__ we can settle there, and start a new life."

The idea consoled me.

Is it really possible, I wondered!

The danger lying ahead did not seem formidable.

"Of course, it wont be easy..." Krishnan warned me, "We have to be alert. They must be chasing us, worst thing is your wife knows nothing about us and she is still in utter danger. They will use her as drag hook, first of all we must liberate her from their clasps."

"How will we reach there?" I asked, perplexed.

"Do you have a telephone at home?"

"Yes..." I said enthusiastically. It had completely slipped from my mind.

"Good,” he murmured! “But I am little doubtful to how safe it would be to contact her on Phone. They will tape our conversation! They are very systematic... I know for sure! And powerful people in Government are on their good list."

“If an intelligent man like you assist them, why on earth they wont they be systematic?"

He shrugged off my comment. I was feeling irritated and uneasy over the changed course of conversation. I was feeling great when I was interrogating Krishnan…but now I was facing grave reality I did not want to think on.

We kept on walking through the dense foliage.





The sun sank in the western horizon. The gloomy shadows gave way to suicidal feelings. They traveled in my mind, crushing down the hopes with demonic force.

The forest got filled up with shadows of wild primitive world. Chirping of the birds, rustling of the branches and woodpeckers wounding hammering sound making me outrageous in the world of solitary ecstasy. In the wake of such a moments, you curse yourself for being a thinking and repenting soul. You wish to be a reckless animal dashing down everything crossing your way. Kill aimlessly those bastards who just obstruct your way. Roar meaningless woes with all strength and frighten the treacherous world...

The world around me, all of sudden, on the occasion of an evening, became so unfriendly and unknown. As if in dreams I had stepped in this forest. The chirping seemed as if the earth was weeping with sobs at certain intervals. The branches rustled as if the deep sigh of a soul. I felt with the setting Sun, my soul too had sunk in the weary world of pains.

The tiresome walking made me uneasy. The evening shadows clawed scratches on my existence. As the shadows grew darker the surrounding became almost invisible.

"We must halt now" Krishnan broke the silence.

"Yes... I think so." I muttered. I felt heavy. My legs were reluctant to take even another step further.

I gazed around.

We were standing on a slope. On the left, there was a spring flowing in the opposite direction. It's perpetual noise of flow made it evident.

"I will sleep like a log... just here...,” I said with eagerness.

"No Problem" Said Krishnan.

And the very next moment Krishnan lay on the grass. He moaned as he rested his back on the trunk of a tree.

I collected some dry weed with great difficulty. Every inch of my body was aching. I arranged a heap and set fire to it.

The bronze like light danced around as grass caught fire. The fire leapt up with cracking sound, soothing and encouraging, assuring us; you are alive... just like me.

Krishnan seemed pale and dazed. I got worried.

"Krishnan..." I called him.

He opened his eyes. The fire reflected in his eyes, as red as piercing eyes of a wounded lion.

"Eh?" He muttered.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes."

"Are you hungry?"

"Yes, like an animal from drought affected region."

"We have eatables. Come here, you will feel better near the fire."

Krishnan looked at me for a while. All of sudden he pulled his revolver out...I was struck... he aimed and fired.... a thundering sound shook the silence. A fowl gave a last shriek and fell down on the grass. Krishnan was smiling.

"Still my aim is accurate..." he mumbled and closed his eyes. I turned at the foul, breathing his last. I ran towards it and held it in my hands. Its warm touch infuriated my hunger. He gave a last shudder. I brought him back to fire. After cleaning it in the stream I roasted it on the fire.

If anybody had predicted that I would be feasting a roasted fowl in the forest, I would have laughed at him. But how miraculous life is! It makes you to dance on its tunes. Your ambitions your dreams, your ideologies just kiss feet of the destiny, like a humble dog. Dream had come true but in what awkward way!

I smelled the fowl to check if it is properly roasted, satisfied, I served half of it to Krishnan. I could see he also enjoyed.

After a while, munching a piece of meat I asked,

"Do you remember Vani?"

"Yes I do."

"Why didn't you make her your life partner?"

"Do you know what did she think of me?"

"Krishnan, she loved you so much!"

"Humbug!"

"What?" I asked incredulously, "What is humbug in her loving you?"

Krishnan was relishing the leg Piece.

He looked at me and said, "Why not humbug, my friend? Lust! Only lust that dominates this bloody world, do you know? You say love. Do you know what love is? Love between man and love heads towards a single ultimate aim and that to sleep with each other. I had my own concepts of love. I never gave importance to physical needs over love.

"Do you know what real love is? It is not lust; it has neither Physical attraction nor any expectations. There is no feeling of winning or losing. Only love. Pure sacred love."

I laughed at him.

"Don't tell me those utopian concepts about love, Krishnan. There is no love exists that matches your definition."

"Yes. I know how difficult it is to love someone the way I described to you! But does it means that we should accept whatever comes our way? Vani wanted me to be her mate forever! Why? What did she find in me in those short interludes? Could she fathom the depths of my soul? No. She liked my company because I suited her ideals; I could satisfy her feminine ego. She thought I would be crazy for her. Stupid girl... she was! No.. that was not love... Venu. That was not! She thought I would worship her beauty. I will hum around her. I will make attempt to touch her... to kiss her and with all queenly glamour, she will keep on protesting mildly my attempts. I will praise her heavenly beauty and woo for her. I will tell her how I dream of her and how so much I love her!

"No. I never tried what she expected; I never attempted to kiss her. I never, with false intentions took her to my room and...

"No, I did not do that, I simply could not. She left me only because I didn't do all there obnoxious things to her. And then no more I was a dream boy for her! What kind of love she had for me after all? Lust, only lust Venu, for I smelled it! All the lovers keep on loving each other with a secret dream to sleep with each other... to make this secret dream true, they shower all the loving words and false emotions on each other. With the hope that one day they will fuck each other and for this auspicious day to come they shower lovely words on each other They keep on using sweet words, try to become poets and even singer or even a dashing Romeo. They can make show of tears. They say it's real love! They feel its real love. Do you think I could love her to satisfy her passions? If at all it was love, she could have accepted me as I was. But it never happens Venu. "

His bold statement shook me. Was my love for Janaki, just a lust? I tried to remember all the events till our marriage, and I found none resembling what Krishnan had just painted before me.

"You couldn't understand what love was!" I said.

"Yes, I could"

"But really, you didn't love anyone!"

"I did!" He said in a firm voice, looking at the leaping fire.

"Who was she?"

"Dorothy Hilman..."

"And who was she?"

"Our lecturer! She lectured us on human relations. How decent that lady was! How sacred feelings floated in her eyes while she spoke! Her mere entrance in the classroom would impress me. I fell in love with her!"

"Then? Did you ever propose her!"

"No, why should I? And suppose if I would have proposed her, It would have been a great joke!"

"Why!"

"She was sixty years old!"

Awestruck, I looked at him with wide-open mouth.

"It was platonic love. Age, sex... nothing matters! Response, rejection.... doesn't matter! Love is as eternal as the Sun and the Moon. It is unchangeable... Unperturbed... Unmovable."

He had a wild philosophy, difficult to digest.

But his voice had a primitive rhythm. A faith with heartfull of force. I listened to him with equal understanding.

We had finished with our feast. The fire sunk down as if the Sun in the western horizon! The twinkling stars above, through gaps of the branches, made me feel of the unbelievable world unfolding its myths to me. I felt dazed.

Krishnan had spread his body on the soft grass. I do not know what he thought. Why on earth he had pushed me in the world of brute psychopaths. Yes... he was responsible... and yet... I loved him too much.

I too lay down on the bare earth where, I looked above through the branches where, I could see the twinkling stars... a few constellations, a few meteors (Just like my life), and the dark curtain of the vast sky. Everything was as mute as the dead's outcry. The forest murmured and I listened to it and yet that murmurs spell deep silence. No sound of rejection one could listen. No begging of satisfaction could be seen. There was only silence, only forgivance, and only giving and only peace.

It too was a world within. And the world outside…unknown to us, but breathing with us; yet so strange. It too had the same eternal existence as the human. Not like humans, it had a far greater history. Many enchanting and frightening dramas had taken place on the stage of that vast eternity. There simply did not exist the impudence of boasting history on one side and the spoiled present and future on the other!

For a while, I forgot my own pains. I forgot my world of dangers. Just like a child of nature, I drowned in the nature.



















As if flying through the withering clouds, I felt, I was being driven towards stinking filth, soaring high above the mystic clouds. The darkness surrounding me was suffocating. The sticky and warm touch of the dark was nauseating. Then suddenly a piercing ray shook me from my vain efforts to fight out darkness. The ray did not bring any relaxation. I grew more anxious, more alarmed and more frightened. Awakening within me had stench of curses. I was still alive and it was not at all a comfortable realisation.

I opened my eyes. Through the dense leaves I could see the bright sunny sky. The wind was blowing in easy pace. The birds chirped welcome songs. The stream down the slope flew with an eternal enthusiasm. The reality, that I was alive, was slapped at me from all directions.

Krishnan was still in deep sleep. His face looked like an innocent child, sleeping in the arms of a loving mother.

I sat up and walked slowly towards the stream. The crystal clear water leaping towards the sea reflected various shadows. I touched the warm water; the touch was soothing; ready to heal my wounds. As if in a trance, I kept on watching the flow. The mesmerizing sound filling up my thirsty soul. The frogs, in a neat row went on jumping across the shrubs bordering the flow. The birds flapped their wings when their beaks touched the water to fly back again high in the sky.

The peace, having the blessings of almighty, wrapped my being. Still I was unable to understand what next I was going to do. I slowly cupped my hands and splashed water on my face. The touch of water was a blessing. All the fog gathered over the mind got melted.

"Venu... Venu..." Krishnan's voice snatched me back to the world I was really in. This nature... it's eternal soft caress did not belong to me. It was merely an accidental incident I met with in a dream.

I hurried back.

"Are you alright?”

Krishnan nodded. But as he moved a flood of pain made him shiver, his face contorted. His shoulder was swelling he could hardly move his left hand.

"Bandage got to be changed." I said in worried voice.

"Later." He said through the depth of pains.

He sat like a statue for a while. I helped him to get up. He finished his morning ablutions call and then murmured__

"Let us move now."

"Let us wait, instead, you are not O.K."

He gave a weak smile.

"Waiting will do not good to us, friend, let us start now..."

I nodded sadly.

Our travel began.

There was not too much left to discuss now. Busy in our own bizarre thoughts, we kept on walking side by side.

The forest thinned. We could see the stretches of farms; we were just to enter in the so-called civilized world. The very thought annoyed me. And an unknown fear started dripping in me. I felt uneasy…but I said nothing. Krishnan was walking slowly. I knew he had fever. He badly needed a Doctor…but how could I take him to a Doctor? Life was not at all blissful.

Then we saw a hamlet.

" The village must be somewhere nearby."

"Yes... we must reach a phone first," Krishnan said. "We must call your residence."

"Let us try." I said hopelessly.

We descended the slope. A pathway led us towards the hamlet. Beside a mango tree, I saw a young girl attending to herd of sheep’s.

I beckoned her.

Curiously she came forward.

"Which village is located nearby?"

"Dotti Palayam," she said.

"How to go there?"

"Keep on this same pathway. Right there," signaling towards north she said, "You will find a road. Take the right turn and keep going straight till you reach Dotti Palayam."

"How far is it?”

"Two or three miles..."

I nodded. We were tired. But yet two-three mile's walking was not too far. I thanked the young woman and followed her direction.

On the dusty road, used by bullock-carts, under the hot sun, walking was not an experience one could enjoy. We ate salted fish and bread. After some distance we could see farmers and workers, busy in their routine in the fields. Nobody took cognizance of our presence. That satisfied me.

"This area is not much infiltrated by LTTE". Said Krishnan, "Mahabalipuram is not for away from here. But, at Dhanush Palayam, handful of supporters do exist."

Krishnan." I said abruptly, "If they tape the phone... they will know our whereabouts. How can we possibly pull her out?"

"I am thinking that only, said Krishnan, "However, at least, we can gauge the situation. We need to know she is safe."

Again... I got lost in the labyrinth of worries.









Janaki was two years younger than I was. An educated woman. She loved me immensely. She showered all the love on me that one woman can on her destined deity.

She was from a well-off family. Her father was a retired Deputy collector. They owned a large farm too.

Frankly speaking, ours was not a love marriage. Yet you can not categorise it as an arranged marriage.

Story begins like this__

When, I worked with Tarapore Fishing Corporation, one of my colleague, Ganapathi was his name, invited me on his engagement.

Really speaking, I disliked attending any of the social or religious ceremonies. But Ganapathi's insistence forced me to go.

Ganapathi had very few friends, and his wish, that his closest ones should attend the most important event in his life, couldn't be neglected.

The ceremony was organized at his fiancée’s house. Her house situated near Integral coach factory. When I arrived at her home, clarion's sacred sound had graced the atmosphere. The garlands of flowers and coconuts declared of an auspicious occasion.

The hall was covered by a carpet, on which close relations sat cheerfully.

I sat beside Ganapathi.

Then the girl entered the hall, surrounded by her friends.

I caught thunderbolt by a doe eyed young woman.

So innocent she looked that I simply surrendered myself to her eternal rule. When she smiled, her eyes glittered with unfathomable depths of the Sun. Her hairs streamed down to her calves. Her complexion betrayed its child like gleam.

I kept on looking at her, mesmerized...

For a friction of a moment, our eyes met and as if millions of thunderbolts crashed on my heart. I grew restless. I did not even pay any attention to the ceremonial procession.

At regular intervals she would look at me, as if to intimidate my bold gaze.

I did not know what her reactions were towards my insane behavior.

The moment the ceremony ended, she walked in the house, without even looking back at me!

I returned back to my house.

I did not know who she was, what her name was...

But she was whispering through every atom of my body!

The days went by...

My father undertook Herculean task to find a suitable girl for me. But in my deep heart, I had nourished her image as my sole companion. I desperately wanted her. I dreamt of her. But, as I did not know who she was, it appeared to me as if I had indulged myself in an insane game with me. I rejected the proposals that came for me. I even tore some Photographs of girls, given to me by my father with a hope that a might select one as my wife.

One evening, when I entered the house, my father leapt at me, roaring out that if I was yet not prepared to get married, he would simply throw me out on the street and the doors of this house will be closed for ever for me. There was an obstinate force in his voice that made me serious. After all how long could I wait for the dream girl in fairy tales?

I reluctantly nodded and assured him I had not any immediate plans of remaining bachelor. That seemed to satisfy my father. He gave a warm victorious smile.

Next day, he handed me a bunch of Photographs enclosed with bio-data’s and horoscopes. Reluctantly I took the bunch to my bedroom, leaning on the pillow; I shuffled the photographs with disinterest.

All of sudden my heart leapt out in mouth.

I was frozen.

It was she...looking at me...with those doe-eyes...smiling mischievously.

I sat up erect.

Looked at the bio-data.

Janaki Padmanabhan... B.A. Honors...

I was shaking wildly with crazy enlightenment.

I rushed back to my father's room.

He was sitting as a chair, engrossed in the reading J. Krishnamurthi's book.

He shot a glance at me.

"What's it Venu? What happened?

I said nothing and stood as if a wooden block, gazing down on the floor.

" Have you selected any of the girl?”

I nodded.

" Which one? "

I silently handed him the photograph, as if my own heart.

He glared at the photograph for a long time. Then he removed his specs and looked at me.

There was a pleasant smile and his face.

"Good choice, son," He said, "It's a good family. Sound financial and healthy background..."

I turned back to my room. A fear gripped my heart... What if she rejects me? What... if largely circulated photograph of hers is selected by many of the prospective bridegrooms and if they are well off, why on earth such a lovely girl will choose me over them?

I desperately prayed the god that night...let her too select me... let her be my life companion. Let her be in my arms for I will shower all the love on her. I will make her happy and content.

The night, obviously, I was sleepless and a frightened creature. How miserable waiting could turn, I experienced it that night. I was worried. Whether my father has informed her parents or not...time is running out...what if she is engaged before my acceptance reach them....





The morning was bright. The rays dazzled over coconut trees and over flowerbeds, over street and over roofs. The birds leapt high above as if to kiss depths of sky. Yet, at a corner of the heart, a despicable animal sat, crouching to shadow my happy dreams about her, that fear.

But my dreams came true. Her family sent an invitation for “seeing ceremony.” I went there with my heart in the hand, confident and yet afraid. But all went well. I ever was granted a meeting with her on marina beach. That was first incident, we were left alone to open our hearts to each other.

The sun was diving in the western horizon. The pleasant roaring of the sea filled the atmosphere. All exciting surrounding made me crazy. Uproar of emotions in my heart wanted very much to shape in words. I wanted to speak…just like a crazy doe leaping forward towards unknown destination...unending...And I wanted the moments shall freeze… and I wanted she should hear my outbreak of the heartful of emotions…I was just crazy…

She kept on looking at me. There was no shade of her inborn mischievous nature. She sat seriously.... Mature and yet her entire body was an outcry of her lovely existence. I slowly held her right hand and asked in a trembling voice__

" Will you be happy with me?"

She said nothing. Only her doe-eyes looked at me... as if her acceptance was declared through her gaze.

I understood...what she meant. I gathered her in my warm embrace. Even I placed my lips over her sweat-beaded forehead. She said nothing. Her entire existence was filled up with acceptance.

" I will never abandon you, my love... in happiness... in sorrows...in dangers...you will remain all the time a part of my heart!” I murmured.

She said nothing. But her silence told me that she too shared my ideas about our being together for eternity.

I just kept on looking in the deapth of eyes with a mystic passion…

That was the beginning of a heavenly bliss…







The pathway was full of white dust. We maintained our pace. The greenery enveloped entire area.

The village came in the sight.

Unknowingly our pace increased.

The village was small. Scattered thatched houses and small huts spread as if somebody had thrown chicken feed on the ground.

Evening was approaching. The dusty roads in village came alive as villagers gradually began streaming in for their informal gatherings.

" Where is the post office? " I asked an old man.

He casually directed us towards an end of an alley.

We took that alley.

The post office situated in a tilled structure.

Fortunately it was open.

A middle-aged man with tired look occupied a chair behind the window. A phone of primitive mode was placed beside the counter.

" We want to make a call...."

" Where?" He asked in a monotonous voice.

" Madras"

" It will take a lot of time."

" It is urgent."

" Let me try...these bloody fools at the telephone department consume a lot of time...you know? "

I knew.

He snatched the equipment and dialed the exchange. He heard the beeps and asked us to write down the number. When his call was received, he repeated the number and said the call was urgent and then slammed the receiver back on cradle.

" Never seen you guys before. Were are you coming from?" He looking at our ragged outfits and Krishnan’s shoulder covered with the bandage, asked us curiously.

I avoided his curious glare and said, " From Mahabalipuram."

Was he suspicious?

I could not tell for sure. And even if he was... hell with him...after all he was a minor Post Master...what harm he could do to us?

We waited.



After...almost half an hour, we were connected to the number of my house.

My heart was pounding. Immense tension had gripped my whole body. I could not sustain the pressure. I mumbled weakly...

" Krishnan...please."

Krishnan fathomed the gravity of the moment. He took the receiver from me.

I kept on watching his face as if the end of the existence was racing towards me.

What would have happened?

Have those bastards really held her in their custody to avenge my stupidity?

" Hello" Krishnan's voice was barely audible. I held his left hand in mine. He pressed it gently and looked at me with all compassion.

" Can I speak to Janaki?" He asked.

So... Janaki had not received the call and I could not imagine who else could have lifted the receiver, as she was all alone in the house.

" Me? I am a distant relative...I am planning to come to Madras…when she will come back? O.K... is Venu there? Never mind, I will call later. By the way, who is speaking?.... who...o.k. Alright..."

As if life had been punctured out of Krishnan, he took away the receiver and looked helplessly at me.

I wanted to yell. I wanted to curse...for all my strength and for the futile hopes were crashed down... but still…I stood silent.

He snatched the valet from his hip pocket drew a hundred rupees note and threw it on the face of postmaster. "Keep the change," he said and walked out of the office.

I blankly followed him.

" Something is wrong, Venu;" He murmured

" Your brother-in-law was in your house. Please.... Don’t interrupt me, I know for sure, he couldn’t be your brother-in-law, even if you had any. He told me, Janaki was at her parental home and did not know where Venu was. He was asking my name. I could give any, but he too would know it was a fake..something is wrong...extremely wrong Venu..."

I was speechless. My legs were numbed, heart froze. I was unable even to think, to react.

I stood still.

He forced me to walk. He was even more careful in not attracting any villager’s attention.

"They are using her as a drag-hook. Do not panic, Venu, they will not cause any harm to her till they believe that we will be caught somewhere. They are waiting. As long as they are waiting, Janaki is safe. The moment they feel holding her is of no use, and then they will simply do away with her. Let them hope...expect. We are their enemies…not she...try to understand...."

His emphatic voice did no good to my mood.

I was scared to death. Wild imaginations were haunting me.

" Let us first get out of this village, Venu. They will easily locate us. I know for sure, their ways of actions. By this time they would have sent a large team to locate us!”

This scared me and I looked at him.

A pity from his eyes was poured at me. Was there any sense of guilt in it?

I wanted to know.

But my mind was numb... unable to grasp anything.

" Hell...we must get out of here..." He held my hand and almost dragged me. His voice shook me apart. I looked at him helplessly.

"They must have tapped the phone. It will take a few moments to know from where the call was placed. The search will increase more hurdles in our way. They need to know we are dead and harmless...till then they won’t rest, Venu!"

Krishnan held my hand tightly and dragged me behind him. I followed him with all the frightening thoughts that exploded within me, staggering and cursing.





I was flabbergasted; I was hit by thunderbolts. I felt as if I was a weak leaf facing the wild storms. I was just a piece of paper surrendered in the hands if storming destiny. I had no aim. I had been buried deep in the ocean and yet my soul cried out in vain protest. My brain was blown apart and I was a simple dying fool. I wanted to burn entire earth and I wanted to kill each that fell in my sight. I wanted them, those bastards, to burn alive and laugh at them and yet no laugh sprang within me. No one was in my sight, as if I was a blind. dumb and deaf.

The figure of my father appeared before me. That lousy bastard laughed at me. Yes, he was the man who threw me in the abyss of sorrows and death. If he hadn't worked for the demons, I wouldn't have landed up in this mess. Yes, he was responsible for all the perils I am in and yet he laughed....

Should I shoot him? ? Should I distort his beaming face? Should I trample him down and dance over his lousy body?

I felt as if a storm was about to hit me, to change the course of my life, to make me a devil to hoot out life from all those living souls!



Krishnan had dragged me out of the village. The dusty road ahead through the green fields, appeared as if a white strip on the body of a Laper, heading towards insanity.

Almost everything was dead for me. I too was dead for me. The sun was setting behind the woods. The soul within me was too setting.

The sun disappeared for a while and the world seemed as if a sinking ship. The last glimpse of the life at all, was not adorable. The death had already clamped us. The whole universe appeared as if a nibbling snake. And very soon the darkness established it's long vicious shadow over the world.

Oh God...! What crime had I committed for which you punished me?

Where is my life?

Where is my Janaki?

Where is she, bloody bastard? Tell me!















The night was painful. We both were tired to death. Yet we walked with fast pace, keeping pace with speed of thinking.

"She must be taken away from your house," said Krishnan after a long silence.

I had nothing to reply.

He further said in a stern voice, "And my friend, be assured, you will meet her. I give you my word. Wherever she is, wherever those bastards have hide her... we will find her out... I will apply all my knowledge and experience, but I will take you to her, then even if death crosses my efforts, I will fight it out..."

I looked at him with faiths and all the trust.

"They are bastards. I know. They know how to avenge their enemies. I am well prepared in their class with their own explored philosophies. But we are here to checkmate them. We will bring them on the verge of annihilation."

There was an assurance in his tone. It was a soothing voice. Yet it did not aspire my hopes. I looked at him blankly as if I did not believe in him.

Did he know that?

We were two.

And they were numerous.

How on earth we were to mitigate their force?





A motor vehicle, all of a sudden threw the blinding headlights on the dusty road.

Krishnan held my hand and drew me in the corner.

"Let us hide..." He murmured with all the force in his voice.

I just followed him blindly in rush of deadly fear, as a reflex action…and then I found myself behind a bush. By that time Krishnan had the revolver in his hand.

I was surprised.

But as soon as the vehicle screeched to a halt and a couple of men jumped down hurriedly, the surprise had turned to fear.

They opened wild fire in ambience. One of them shouted loudly__

"We know__ your are nearby... just surrender or face death..."

Again a round was fired aimlessly.

I was unarmed. Krishnan lay beside me with a revolver in his hand... still and yet ready to attack.

How come these bastards reached here so fast?

I was wondering through the myriad of fear.

But how in vain it was!

They must have located our direction as soon as they knew from where we called.

They began firing blindly.

Few bullets stuck the tree we were sheltering behind.

I saw Krishnan crawling towards right. I was a little afraid not having him beside me.

But I could not speak.

I was scared like hell.

Krishnan was invisible to me. I was alone and these demons were shouting and shooting aimlessly. Trying hard to withhold my breath I bent down on earth.

All of sudden I heard counter shooting.

In an instant, three of them who were visible in the headlights, fell on the road. Others ran wildly elsewhere in search of safe place.

But a couple of explosions made it sure that those who tried to run for safer abodes could never find one.

The eternal silence of the night in the farms joined brittled fragments, with its ages old accuracy.

"Come on Venu," Krishnan said in a frail voice.

I got up and moved in the direction of Krishnan.

Krishnan was now visible in front of the flooded headlights of the jeep appearing as if as if the figure of almighty.

I joined him. Yet not jubilant!

"Let us escape from here at once!" murmured Krishnan, "Can you drive this Jeep"?

"Yes". I said

I took charge of the driving seat and turned Jeep in its original direction. As soon Krishnan managed to seat beside me I sped up the jeep towards our own unknown destination.

"Now... Let us avoid any villages. They have their supporters spread everywhere. We can't use this jeep for long. They are watching us..." said Krishnan and as if in trance. He was trying to manage his composure, but I realised how drained he was.

"Then... where will we go?" I asked.

"Dhanush Palayam..."

I looked at him in utter astonishment.

He was asking me to drive into the cave of the militants!







Chapter



Krishnan motioned me to stop the jeep. Almost automatically I pressed the brakes hard and shifted gear to neutral. My mind too had seized to function.

We were near Dhanushpalayam, forty kilometers away from Madras. A highway parted this tiny township.

We sat still for some moments on the brink of midnight. The cold breeze crashed against our body. The starry sky above loomed as if an eternal curse. Occasional trucks passed by; roaring and throwing flood of light on us, disturbing the silence.

We could see the street lamps along the highway in the township and their weak attempts to illuminate the street. Dogs barked, accelerating the series of barking in the vicinity. Rows of trucks stood on the roadside halting for the night. They will move for their destination at the break of dawn.

I glanced at Krishnan. He too was dazed and tired. I felt pity for him. I touched his arm. The touch alarmed him and shook him apart. He sat erect and said, "We must move now.”

"Alright..." I said and was about to put the gear, but he stopped me.

"No, Let us abandon this Jeep now, we don't want to be noticed. Let us walk."

"As you say, Tambi." I whispered.

We both came out of the Jeep and began walking towards Dhanush Palayam.

The darkness began melting with the approaching footsteps of the morning. The crescent moon had appeared atop a coconut tree, just to vanish in the incoming daylight. Our strained bodies gradually relaxed as our pace increased.

Krishnan loaded his revolver without even stopping. He thrust it in hip pocket. I was curious. After crashing down by the series of blasting events, my fears and anxieties had sunk deep from where they could bother me no more.

"What we are upto"? I asked in a flat tone.

"Most unexpected." muttered he with no emphasis. I grew even more curious.

"You must tell me," I insisted.

"They must be thinking that we are running away, scared to death! They are looking for us and yet do not know that we have survived their attack! It will be morning when they will come to know how we escaped again; of course, it will cause infuriation and confusion. Before they know we are still alive, I want to sabotage their secret center in this town... I know the location for I was the man who installed the advanced communication system right there."

His sinister motive shocked me. I suddenly stood still.

"No Krishnan... we can't do this. They will simply kill Janaki if they know what we've done."

"We have already done many a things to make them as angry as to kill Janaki thousand times," he said in a cold voice. Even if we don't attack, they have reasons to kill Janaki. Believe me... I am doing all this to protect her... at least till we reach her."

I was confused. The reasoning was not soothing me for I was scared to death.

"Venu, think... think hard. Try to believe me. I have been with the Tigers for years. I know how they react to an attempt to disregard them. I know, we too are in danger... Janaki is in danger. We have no friends to help us out. They are hurt. We have caused damage to their ego. Think Venu... think."

"Leave me alone.” I said flatly, "I have saved your life. Now you can go anywhere you wish. I will go back. Let them do whatever they want to do with me. At least, they will release Janaki. I am sprouting in her womb. Even if I die, I will grow within her and will see the world again with the fresh innocence. Let me go alone."

As I started in the opposite direction, in frenzy of emotions, he held me back.

"You are a fool, Venu." He said aloud. "You will be real dead before you plead. Janaki too will be dead, for now she knows she was not in safe hands. You or your child will never see this world if you act on foolish impulse of you! I implore you... do not go. Let us be united, only then there is a slight chance that we can save her life."

I looked helplessly at him. The erupting volcano of emotions was suppressed down by his words. I did not know how to react and what to do. The man who is responsible for my plight stood in front of me.

"O.K., “ I had resigned, "But if anything happens to her, mark my words, you bastard, I will kill you."

"O.K. Kill me if I fail,” He assured me, "Now let us move... before the town is awake."

We moved. Barking of the dogs pervaded the earth. The stars begun vanish behind the illuminating curtain of the sky. The breeze grew wilder. There was no end to my agonies. In what kind of life, a fisherman had stepped in!



Krishnan led the way. I followed him with no questions, as I had none. He moved swiftly, making no noise.

We crossed the highway, where the illumination was weak. We crouched in a alley. Beside a closed structure Krishnan bent down and whispered__

"We are just behind that godown. Let us see first how it is watched!"

I looked in the direction. A huge structure stood in the dark, as if a sleeping vicious animal. I sensed no existence of any living soul around it.

But Krishnan bent down and slowly crossed the alley and then pressing his back against the wall of the godown, breathed deeply. I too followed his motions.

"Now... you go on walking alongside the wall up to the front... if you see any watchman... just hit him hard enough to allow him to sleep for a while so that he cant bother us!"

I moved forward. My heart was crashing against the ribs. For a moment I felt I was about to fell down... unconscious!

But some unknown force kept on pushing me ahead.

Through the narrow pathway, I crossed the long wall and stood still at the corner. I closed my eyes and prayed. Then I bent slightly to see the front portion, which was badly illuminated with a small bulb.

A young watchman sat dozing.









I looked back. Krishnan was no more in sight. The footsteps of the dawn were alarming. The roars of speeding trucks on the highway grew even more frequent.

I looked down with a hope to find a temporary weapon. I saw a stone, I jumped on it, holding it tight in my sweaty palms, and I stood erect again.

I glanced at the watchman.

He was unaware of the approaching dangers, the lousy watchman!

I gathered all my strength and leapt ahead with my whole might. Before he could sense anything, I hit that massive stone on his skull real hard.

He gave a wild shudder, a painful moan and then fell down on the ground. A rifle, that lay beside him too crashed against the ground. I collected the firearm and looked all around.

Then, again, remembering the instructions of Krishnan, I bent down and fumbled for the Keys.

I found the bunch.

Racing blood in the veins made me almost crazy.

"Open the door..."

An order was shot at me.

I followed it. I rushed to the huge door and tried the keys to open the door.

The lock opened. I furiously slid the bolt and opened the door.

“Push the watchman in... or someone will see him."

The alarming order made me even more active than I could think of.

I rushed back to the unconscious or dead watchman, pulled his lean body in and tried to control my breath.

"Good job.” He muttered under breath.

I held back the arm and looked in.

It was a real godown, full of heaps of the gunny bags and a peculiar smell, nauseating and yet well known.

"Let us go in."

As if, well acquainted with the arrangement, Krishnan led me in.

He stopped near a locked door.

"This leads to the basement." he murmured.

"I know, down there must be at least three-four guys busy in usual communication." He said.

Then he knocked the door in successive deliberate intervals, as if a coded message.

"Be alert..." He whispered.

We could hear the footsteps approaching the door.

Consciously, I leapt back and crouched back in anticipation.

Krishnan stood still in front of the door.

"Who?" A weary sound came in through the closed door.

"Prabhakaran is the sun of tomorrow!" muttered Krishnan.

"O.K." I heard the husky sound from inside. Then the bolt was removed.

Krishnan had pulled out his revolver and was ready.

As soon as the door was open, he fired. A shriek of wounded man resounded for a brief moment followed by a commotion down the basement.

Krishnan again moved back.

Then I could listen to the frenzied activities approaching the steps. I held the rifle and tried to take aim... but how ignorant I had been in handling firearms! I simply did not know how to use a rifle. (I even do not know yet, whether it indeed was a rifle!)

But I could listen to the instant firing. Krishnan, flat on the ground, was vomiting fire from his revolver. And then counter firing and a sudden silence, as if I was the only living creature on this earth!

I got up. Krishnan too stood up and started to descend the staircase of the basement. I followed him.

The basement was a small room, not more than 15 x 20. At a corner, a foldaway bed sprawled, few bottles of unfinished wines and in a corner lay a most sophisticated machine I saw for the first time, but I could make it out that it was a transmission system. On the walls hung weapons amidst a portrait of Prabhakaran.

The scene was shocking. In a way, how one could believe, how deeply the enemies of the society had penetrated boldly abusing the system, they were living in!

Krishnan hurried up. He sat before the system, placed revolver on the table and began pressing various buttons, mounted the headphone over his head and waited.

I stood still unable to understand what we had done and what sinister outcome of it will be!

Then all of sudden Krishnan began speaking in an unknown language.

I placed the rifle on the floor, and selected a revolver, that hung on the wall, an impulsive movement it was!

I did not know what Krishnan spoke. I even did not know what awaited us out there in the daylight. But I had a weapon now that I could handle. Krishnan was, though, acting strange, had a certain motive.

As soon as Krishnan finished with his unknown communication, he shut down the system removed the headphone and then stood erect.

He gathered the revolver in his right hand, aimed and fired point blank at the transmitter. The electrical sparks cracked. After some time the fumes got extinguished and the silence established it's rule once again. The transmission system was as dead as the men Krishnan had fired at.

I stood still, expectant and yet knowing not where all these incidents were going to lead me.

"This is the only powerful transmission system Tigers have in this entire region. I had established the system for accurate and immediate communication. To receive orders and to act on that! The Government of India can never locate their systems for we had applied our brains! All the instructions regarding assassination were collected here then passed out to the executioners! Now you saw, we have destroyed it! Now they, at least for hours, have no mean available to know what is going on!”

"I've just informed them, in a code language that, we are dead. To reach this information to higher circles it will take hours, and confirmation will take even more time than that! Now let us move..."

He pushed his revolver again in his hip pocket.

We traced back the footsteps and came out in the wide-open world under the early morning sky.





It was almost quarter to five in the morning. People begun to awake. I locked the door and tossed the bunch of keys in the gutter and approached the highway, as if nothing had happened.

"Now, we must reach Madras, at once." Krishnan said in urgent voice.

I looked at him in bewilderment.

"Janaki is in the custody of Varadrajan. I have received certain instructions, that verify this,” said Krishnan in speedy sentence.

"I've informed them that we were killed and burnt to ashes. They told me to give counter message to Varadrajan to do away with Janaki. Now see, they don't know as to who received the message. The people sitting in Sri Lanka don't know all the names of their activists, down here. But Varadrajan is sort of a leader and he knows everything. We cannot fool him. We simply cannot communicate with him, for at once he will sense irregularity. That would be dangerous!"

I tried to gauge his reasoning, but inevitably failed for I, in my wildest dreams, could never imagine the demons act.

"We must reach Madras! At once!"

"But..."

"What now?" Krishnan asked irritable.

"The owner of godown will know what has happened to the communication system. There are many dead bodies down there in the basement. We can’t suppress this... you know? Police will be alert. They will be alert! They will just kill my Janaki..."

"Don't be insolent!" He roared. "They won’t know. In such an incident, who shall contact whom is a regulative. They simply can not evade the regulations. We have got few hours, and before that we need to reach Madras! Is that understood?"

His alarming sound silenced my doubts.

After all I had surrendered myself to the cruel destiny.

"It will take time to understand what we've done! They will even fail to understand any significance of the events, for they know we are just two and cannot cause this havoc. They can't take it too seriously, as they are confident of their power. This weakness we must utilize to our benefit. We are on the right path. So far we've misguided them. And most important is we know where to attack." Though Reluctant, I nodded in affirmation. I had to depend on his wisdom for he was one of them till last night when they tried to kill him.

"How much do you know of Varadrajan?" He asked me in a hushed voice.

"I know nothing... frankly." The whole episode of our first meeting in middle of the night flashed before. "I know not who he is or what he dose when he is not doing illegal covert activities. I simply met him because my contractor Thyagrajan told me to meet him. Now I blame myself why I did not neglect his message. Varadrajan had minutely explained me the consequences if I refused to accept their offer. My father was a militant... and I did not know that being a son of a militant could be so dangerous. I'm not a strong man Krishnan. I could not afford to be insane."





We were on the highway.

"We need a vehicle to take us to Madras," he muttered. I looked all around there were many trucks standing in rows on the highway. Morning gave its first yawn. The eastern sky was fading up. We could spot sleepy men, with water filled bottles or tumbrels in hand, crossing highway and slip behind the bushes. The calmness of the morning was piercing, as we hadn't slept since last night. Body was cursing me for far stretching its limits to endure.

"We have to hijack a truck, Venu..."

I knew that was the only way we could get transportation.

A fear knotted in my stomach making me uneasy. We were committing crime one after the other. And there seemed no end to it until I had my Janaki in My safe arms and we both far away from the crazy world.

In frenzy I fixed my eyes on a truck parked just beside us.

I looked at Krishnan.

"Will do..." He said.

I held the revolver tightly in my right hand and cat walked toward the front. I held the handle with left hand and through the window glanced inside. The driver's curled body was still in deep sleep, unaware of the danger looming over him. Krishnan was cautious and kept watch on the road.

"Open the door and kick him awake," He sounded cold and sharp.

I thrust open the door with swift action and fiercely shook the driver who muttered a few abuses and tried to shift his position.

"Kick him, Venu," Krishnan said urgently

I kicked him with my leg.

The driver, a frail creature with drunken face, sat up in irritated anger. He shot a fierce glance at me, opened his mouth to shot mouthful of obscenities, but the sight of revolver in my hand silenced him. Astonishment, then a fear appeared on his face and his eyes bulged out.

Meanwhile I had positioned myself beside him and pressed the revolver on his ribs and motioned Krishnan to get in. Painfully Krishnan managed to enter the cabin. As his left hand could not assist him to close the door, he looked helplessly at me. I bent over him and pulled the door hard and now we were in the closed chamber.

Now I looked at the gasping driver, speechless and horrified. Pity touched my soft heart, but an urgency of life and death forced me to become a monster.

"Start your truck and drive straight." I ordered him.

"But..."

"Spell a word and you are dead." I pressed the barrel against his neck.

"Who... are you?" He was almost trembling.

"Start the truck." I almost yelled. I'd turned vicious. Right there at Madras my life was in the hands of murderous people. She was in danger and no other life could matter to me before her. I could set on fire this bloody vicious world if something happened to her. In the frenzy of anger I could press the trigger and kill this bastard if he refused to obey me.

He obeyed. He knew he had no choice. He was frightened. And no one wishes to encounter death when millions of dreams beckon them far away. And everyone wants to reach there and so do I.

He turned the ignition on. The engine roared and he pushed the gear with trembling hand and pressed the accelerator.

I looked at the street, touched softly by the early rays of the sun. The inhibition disappeared far behind.

Soon they will know has destroyed their communication centre... like blood hounds they will follow us... they will be simply outrageous... they will kill us at sight and leave our dead bodies to be carried away to cold morgue... Janaki would never see the setting sun. And the baby who is yet to see the light of the world...

I shuddered with the wild... crazy thoughts. The merciless destiny had hit me hard. It had spoiled my life. I cursed my father. I cursed the moment I born. I was an outcast. I was an outlaw. I was a criminal. I was followed by limitless dangers. I did not know how long the chain of my breaths would last.

But yet, I had to run. I had to try. I had to do everything possible on earth to save my love, whom I had promised to be with her, in bad and good times. I could never abandon her. I loved her.

The very thought strengthened me.

If I were destined to die, why not embrace death while fighting?

At least... for a moment...

I was alive.

We were alive.



The truck sped towards Madras. Driver had fixed his gaze on the street. He never turned to look at us... nor posed any question. He was in his late thirties, with half grown beard, with absent front row of teeth’s and wearing a greased Banyan and a worn out lungi.

" C... can I lit a bidi... Saab?" He asked after a while.

"Go ahead..." I assured him.

For the first time I realised the power of weapon.

You can get done whatsoever you want.



When the Sun began to shower fire on the earth, we were at the outskirts of Madras. The traffic thickened. The hurried people had started to move to and fro with unfathomable determination. The wind blew swiftly through the window. I wanted to sleep. The sleeplessness was now overpowering me. But I knew there wouldn’t be sleep…

This was my town, where I was born, where I grew up, where I made friends and adversaries, where I loved and got loved...

This was the city where I took my first lessons of life, where I learnt to became a polite and a social man. I learnt to love my society, my caste, my religion and my nation, Where I learnt to respect those great souls who had sacrificed their life for the well being of this nation and mankind, and who preached solidarity and non-violence.

This was the city where, like all other young men, I too devoted myself for the prosperity of my family. Where I worked hard and tried to earn more and more with legitimate means. This was the city where, I dreamt of happy and graceful old age and a painless death.

But was really there a same society as I thought of? Weren't around there were people like Thyagrajan and Varadrajan, hidden behind the masks of gentility, ready to destroy the system they lived in? Weren't there bastards who made lives miserable of the innocent people like me? Haven't they shattered our well-nourished beliefs? Haven’t they too learnt all the things as I did, from the same society? Then why on earth they behaved as cruel monsters?

My heart sobbed as I looked at the passing by, well known street.

I was entering this very city today with a vengeance within me. An anger that drives you so crazy that you are ready to destroy the things you once loved. Today, the glimpse of my own city did not soothe me. As if it was an alien town. Never seen before, and yet known...

Unconsciously, I looked at Krishnan.

"Where?"

"To G.P.K." He muttered. He looked too tired, too exhausted.

I repeated his order loudly to the driver. He gave a nod. He was not yet recovered from the initial shock.

He obeyed the order. He knew the roads and alleys of Madras. He drove us towards our destination, where I did not know, what we were going to do.

G.P.K. was just beside Kamraj memorial.

Krishnan was back to consciousness and was alert. He held the bar tight and kept on looking at the passing by buildings.

"Are you alright... Krishnan?"

He gave a slow nod.

I spotted a wave of pain passing over his tired face.

"You don’t move... you tell me where I have to go. I will be right there and will do whatever you tell me. You are not in the position to strain yourself anymore."

"No. I am alright...," he said in a weak voice. "We will finish the work together, don't worry."

He had high fever. Though the bullet simply had made it's way through his flesh, but I was afraid the poison could spread in his body. He needed rest. He was not at all in a position to move. His strength had drained out. He was just hanging on... trying hard to be awake... and alert.

I felt enormous pity for him. But, really, I did not know what we were up to and for guidance, at least, I needed him badly.

Within twenty minutes, we were near Kamraj memorial.

I motioned the driver to stop.

He obediently found his way through the vehicle and brought the truck to a halt in a corner.

I threw at him a hundred rupees note and said__ "Thanks, sorry for the inconvenience..."

He said nothing, only nodded violently.

Krishnan got down.

I followed him.

It was almost 8-30 in the morning. The humid wind flew in occasional breeze. It indeed was a hot morning.

"Let us discuss," he said, leading me to the beautifully built Kamraj memorial.

"Now see, just in the next lane there is Varadrajan's office."

"But... it must be closed right now..."

"I know," Krishnan said in a whisper, trying to straighten his wounded hand and suppressing the pain, "He must know where is Janaki. In fact, she must have been abducted on his direction.”

"I know, who Varadrajan is. I've met him a few times for his assistance. He is an influential man down here, have close contacts in the Ministry. Had helped me when I was in process to locate a safe place where I could install communication system.

"Now... he is the man who rule over the outlaws down here. The bastard but trusted man in higher circles. He makes all the arrangements for the militants to hide and smuggle out. A hardcore LTTE man, living behind the facade of gentle and faithful citizen. The attack on us must be his idea. We must reach him now. “

I was astonished at his idea.

"But how can we reach him? If he is as dangerous as you described, he must be well protected."

Krishnan gave a painful laugh.

"Yes, of course he is well protected, but in a different sense which you can't understand. He cannot deploy an army on his gates to guard his life. He has to make show that he is only a little cautious man, but not an outlaw, who needs ramparts all around him. He can not afford to act that foolishly. He is not as safe as he should be."

"What do you suggest?" I asked. A shadow of worry was overpowering me now. In a broad daylight I could not imagine to have attacked his residence for it would mean our death or arrest. It could not be a safe approach to solve the problem.

"Simple, “ he said in a low voice, "He is protected by his facade. Not by the armed men, surrounding him round the clock. He has secured his life through the contacts he has established in the ruling class.

"But yet, we cannot risk to masquerade at his house and fell in the hands of awaiting Roman's. We need to be extra careful. In next alley, right there, is his office. I know because I've visited it once. And we need to know where Janaki is... He is only man who can lead us to Janaki…no…he is the person who will have her delivered to us safely.

"Hence we need that bastard Vardrajan out of his hideout, unaware of the awaiting danger, in our custody, so that we can use him as a shield to get Janaki in your safest hands.

"Understood?"

I nodded, but very little I could digest. I knew, Madras, as a monstrous city where one could hardly do such things and run away safely. Police were everywhere and so their little army. We two could not make a perfect attack that could save us all’s life. I wanted to protest. But the mind was dizzy and senses had disappeared. I tried to think other option, but failed.

I had no choice, but to rely on the wit of a wounded, half-conscious man.

"I am thinking how we can pull out a rabbit in our share, use it as our shield. Varadrajan is that rabbit. We must have to have him out of his safe home and in open where no one can understand up to what we are."

I nodded again, but simply did not know how we are going to force him out of his castle.

"Are you ready?" He asked.

I nodded, as I had no choice, but to follow his instincts.

"Varadrajan is far away from being harmless. He is shrewd and cunning. The moment he knew that we are on the run he must be in utter vigilance. Now, we must accelerate the chain of unexpected happenings, only then we can achieve our aim. Is that understood?"

I nodded again, for I had no choice to come up with better idea.

"Tell me, what we are going to do?"

"Right now, Varadrajan will be at his home, unaware of the fact that we have fought back his vicious people and they are dead and that the communication centre is out of life and that we are alive and in Madras. It’ll be quiet a late when he comes to know what exactly have happened. We have to act fast and leave no scope for speculations.”

"They are well assured that we both are dead and no further danger looming. And yet we have time, as he is not the person to decide on what to do with the hostage they have. They will wait till they receive information. We know that the orders from Sri Lanka are to kill her immediately but now that orders are buried deep in our heart…OK?"

I nodded in acceptance.

"Now tell me, how we are going to pull out that bastard from his house?" I asked.

"That is why we are right here. It is almost nine now. He, even in his wildest dreams, cannot imagine that we are well alive and walked in Madras. They have another system in Coimbatore and they will have to use it when they come to know that the other center is non-functional.. We have time and let us capitalise on it.”

He finished his sentence emphatically.

" O.K. But what we are up to?” I asked impatiently.

" Janaki is in their custody. Varadrajan is a leader of that vicious band."

" Yes...I know....how are we going to rescue her?” I asked in an irritated voice." Tell me, how are we going to get hold of that filthy soul of Varadrajan?”

For a few moments Krishnan kept on looking at me, without flapping his eyelids. A firm decision was embodied on his face.

" There is a petrol pump near by. Buy five-liter petrol, a funnel and a rubber pipe. If the petrol boy gets curious tell him your scooter run out of the fuel in way. Hurry up now. I am waiting for you in the corner of the alley. Do it fast...move...now..." He shot an order at me.

I was confused, but still I moved fast.



Yes. Just few blocks ahead I read the sign of Hindustan Petroleum. Before that in a provision store I bought a can, tube and ran desperately towards pump. It was almost Quarter to nine. Time was running out.

It took almost five minutes to get the can filled. Handing over a hundred rupee note to the cashier, impatiently waited for the change and as I had it, I ran towards the alley Krishnan had indicated.

Krishnan was waiting for me.

As I joined him again, he began sweeping towards another end, making it sure I followed him.

The alley opened on Ennore Street, got now little busy with all the rushing vehicles, autos and pedestrians. The sun now became hot and crazy. The sweat rolling all over our body, the muscles aching, ready to explode and the heart were crashing violently against the ribs.

We turned right and walked casually. No one seemed interested in us. Just few curious glances. Yet horrifying. What if someone knows who we were?

I did not know what Varadrajan did for living besides being a director of a local bank and head of the LTTE outfit. Here.... somewhere was his office, known to Krishnan. This was too early to find his office open or his presence at his office. Most of the commercial offices used to open not before quarter to ten. Even in my wildest thoughts I could not imagine what we were up to. But I was now scared to ask.

I carried the can and the rubber tube and fuel, taking care of the haversack on my back. I felt as if I had lifted the earth on my shoulder...too many burdens for me...unbearable...driving me mad.

Now, we approached a tall building. He abruptly moved in through the small open gate. I followed him like his man Friday. The marble steps led us to a wide-open porch and then a staircase on the left. The lift was closed. There was no sign of any living soul.

" Third floor...Varadrajan syndicate," he whispered.

We climbed the stairs. This was not going to be easy. The silence overpowering in the vacant structure cracked as our footsteps pounded on the marble.

Once on the third floor, I wished if I could fell on the cold floor and embrace the deep sleep and forget we were ever alive.

But the instinct of survival forced me back from the brink of death.

The huge corridor crawled in there as if an Anaconda, ready to swallow us in its dark nauseating body.

" Hurry up- Venu...." Krishnan almost yelled.

His sharp voice shook me up from that drowning sense.

Now we were in front of the closed door on which a brass plate was telling me it was the office of Varadrajan syndicate.

" Push the rubber tube through the gap... slowly...ensure the other end reach inside..."

I followed his instructions like a desperate animal to get freed from a snare.

The tube was flexible enough to push through the small crack down at the bottom.

Now I'd begin to understand up to what we were...we were to set fire in that bastard’s office.

Krishna gave a satisfied nod and instructed-" Now fix that funnel at this end and start pouring petrol.... hurry up...any moment now the cleaners will start coming in to clean the offices...."

I was finished in few moments with his instructions. My body ached with sudden excitement. Poured carefully the petrol and ensured it was rushing in the office, then when the fuel almost touched bottom, I pulled out the tube, poured some leftover petrol on the door....

He stepped back slowly. He had now produced a lighter from his pocket...a thrust over the knob flicked up a flare. In that soft red glow, his face could be seen ...as vicious as of an avenging animal.

He threw the lighter at the door. The pool of petrol caught fire instantly...leaping up, the fire sneaked inside the office where petrol was awaiting to get in action.

Krishnan nodded with perfect satisfaction.

" Now let us get back and find a telephone..."

I said nothing. We had arsoned a building. It would take no time to spread the fire everywhere... first in the adjoining offices...then the whole building...

I could listen to the hissing sound of the shuffled fire, like a wounded serpent, which would burst out in rage...

We had reached the ground floor. I glanced at the wristwatch....

9.15...

Now I'd to find out a telephone...

" Call that bloody rascal...find his numbers in directory, tell him you are calling from fire brigade and that his office is ablaze. He will rush to the site.... unaware that this could be a trap. "

I looked at him in astonishment. Wounded Krishnan was thinking logically. He had accelerated a chain of confusion. They could never imagine that the run away outlaws would walk in their well-protected castle to die.

I nodded in assurance. Now we were on the street. The excitement of the day for the people walking on the streets had reached a state of it's own ecstasy. I looked above at the building. Yet the window glasses did not shatter with wild explosions, but I could locate the stream of smoke floating around the windows to mingle in the fresh air.

" Rush...Venu..." Krishnan warned me in a weak voice. As if the whole energy from his body had been drained out.

My body too followed his instructions, though it was on the verge of collapse. I rushed for a telephone....

Where the hell I could find it?









CHAPTER



After a few blocks, I found a shop, where a board stuck beside the wall telling me that one could make the local calls for Rs.2 each. The shopkeeper was a old uninterested sort of old man, who just signaled at the equipment lying at another end of the counter and got engrossed in morning newspaper.

" I need a telephone Directory...,” I said in an urgent voice.

The shopkeeper lifted his head above the newspaper and in almost disgust, pulled a heavy torn out heap of directory from the down shelf and shoved at me, to sit back and read the story that amused him.

I wildly shuffled the pages to find S. Varadrajan. There were numerous Vardrajans, but as I knew the exact address, it took me a few moments to locate the number.

Will he believe in the call?

Will he rush here with no protection?

What if he verifies the information with the fire brigade?

I wondered. I was gasping for breath, as my mind was violently busy in thinking.

I Frantically dialed the fire brigade first.

The call, after endless ringing was received by a thick male voice.

" Yes?"

" There is fire in Shehnaz building...on Ennore Street." I tried to sound urgent and genuine. The shopkeeper threw away the newspaper and looked interested.

The fire brigade man shot a few questions abruptly, but I disconnected, banged receiver on cradle and wiped sweat from my forehead.

I again gasped for breath. My face was bathed in salty, stinking sweat. Every cell of my body was showing their fury to me. I had remembered the number of Varadrajan. Will he know it was me who called? Will he be able to recognize my voice?

But time did not permit me to answer self-raised questions. I would be an idiot if I failed my mission.

I had to convince that bastard that his office is ablaze and his immediate presence at the site was necessary. I could not afford to inspire suspicion in that shrewd old man.

I gathered all my strength and courage and dialed his number.

It was ringing at another end.

My body, as if a mass of dead cells, all my energy crowded in ear....

My heart missed a few strokes...

The sweat greasing my palms...

Throat dried up.

Furiously trying to find appropriate words to provide such piece of information...

The call was received...

I heard the maid’s pleasant voice.

" Get me Mr. Varadrajan--" I said in a harsh voice.

" Who is on the line, please?”

" Police _" I tried to keep my voice flat.

The shopkeeper became suspicious.

I tried to neglect him.

" Just a moment..." the maid said politely.

Again the waiting. My heartbeats grew violent as if it will explode any moment...

" Yes?" his husky, yet assertive voice hit my eardrums.

This was the bastard who had forced me in this maze of uncertain destiny. He was the man who set fire to my normal life. Pig that he was who ate my soul.

" Control Room sir.... “ I tried to sound casual and uninterested," Just now we are informed by fire brigade that your office has caught fire."

There was an uneasy pause...making me mad.

"When did it happen?” He asked in a shocked tone. I esd relived.

" A few minutes ago, I suppose." I told him, I could imagine how flabbergasted he would be.

“Fire brigade is on its way."

" Who is calling...your name?"

" Pillay... Shankar Pillay Sir..."

" Thanks for the information, officer..."

And I hung up... satisfied. But...will he show up here in one piece?

The shopkeeper had become conscious, for he had heard me giving my fake identity. But at the very moment an explosion deafened the atmosphere, people on the street ran to the shelter, few vehicles collided and a frantic movement changed the color of the peaceful morning. The old man’s suspicion turned suddenly in a fear. He jumped up and glanced and then rushed towards the pavement. I had done what I could. Exhausted and yet satisfied I rushed to my destination where Krishnan was waiting for me.



Krishnan stood at the corner. The mob of frightened and yet interested people had gathered at the safe distance. The traffic was bound to be jammed. I looked at the building. The waves of fires were leaping high above in quest to kiss the still morning sky, amusing and frightening the viewers. There were chuckles, shouts, scout like in vain orders...suggestions and yet wonderment at the scene they witnessed probably first time in their life, trying to see whatever they could and listen to all the rumors they could. It pleased them that one fine evening they could elaborate horror of the fire they witnessed to their unlucky friends.

In the building the fire was spreading like an epidemic. The explosions, shattering of the windows and inferno of fire...the heat competing with the sun high above...

I was doubtful whether Varadrajan will come personally? We had created enough drama with the hope to snatch him out of his own fort...and if he fell in our hands, only then I could see Janaki again.

Janaki ?

Where are you my love? Where these bastards have hidden you?

Are you safe? Why on earth these bastards have targeted you?

Then we heard the siren of the fire brigade and the next moment two fire fighting engines arrived on the spot followed by a police van.

In the frenzied mob and in presence of police, we had set ourselves to kidnap Varadrajan!

In anticipation, in hard beats of the hearts, in the flooding rush of the blood in tiny veins, we waited. The mob was now like a unified sole monster! Yelling with it's thousands of heads. Yet, I was dumb enough, unable to listen. The fire engines and the uniformed men in yellow helmets were set for their job. The hoses were being unwounded; the stairs were trying to reach as near as possible of the inferno to calm down the furious fire God. And then the water was being showered with high pressure in and on the building and the hissing sound became more frightening. A tumult between fire and water, a catastrophe to be intimidated.... the mechanical stairs trying to reach as high as possible to defeat the rage of fire...

The traffic police were at Herculean task to divert the jamming flow of vehicles. Krishnan suddenly held my hand. I followed his glance.

Varadrajan...coming in his car, in an obvious shock...my heart leapt to mouth in sudden excitement.

"Bent your head down. If he see us before we reach him, he will be on his toes."

My eyes searched for him. He sat rigid at the driving seat, trying to push hard his vehicle through the packed crowd of screaming vehicles, parking anywhere nearby would be impossible. He was trying not to look at the raging fire in the building.

His sight drove me crazy. The pounding in the chest ceased and blood became as cold as ice on North Pole. All anxieties and pressures of the life were blown away in an instant. I reached for my revolver and swept forward. The crowds had its eyes glued to the towering flames.

Varadrajan had slightly moved forward, now he was looking at the distressed state of the building. He was shouting loudly at the crowd to clear the road before him and at the same time cursed the fire that had destroyed his office.

Just like Arjun in Mahabharata, I could see only him and none else. He was the bastard who had pushed me in the black hole of agonies. How could I forgive him for what he did to my life? And my love was in his clutches. Her life too was in danger.

I pushed aside the crowd violently and almost rushed at him. Now revolver was in my hand, I did not give a damn to the observers. Krishnan followed me.

Varadrajan had found a gap between the footpath and circling crowd and was about to open the door.

All of sudden Krishnan took charge of the situation. He moved forward in quick action and kicked the door close and signaled me to get in the car.

I followed his signal and opened the door, and before he could shout for help, I pressed the revolver on his neck.

" Just a word and you are dead, you bastard," I hissed.

Krishnan too quickly opened the front door and got in.

I could feel Varadrajan's body stiffen. He gave a humble helpless look at Krishnan.

" Start the car and follow my instructions," Krishnan shot his order in a cold voice.

" W.... Who are you?"

" No question. You are dead before you ask another question."

"But..."

It was the end of my patience. I pulled his hairs viciously and yelled__

" You bastard, drive the car..."

Sensing the danger, Varadrajan mutely turned the ignition on and not trying to commit any fatal mistake, he slowly waded the car through the anxious crowd and turned in an the alley.

" Who are you?” He asked in a weak voice. Krishnan did not answer his stupid question. He drove silently. As if all of sudden he realised what would have gone wrong. His body stiffened and then he shivered in a cold fury and then he looked like a savage and then unwilling surrenderance to the reality appeared over his face. He tried to clear his throat, but failed. A reality had dawned upon him…that I could see…for I was anxious.

" What you are going to do with me?” He asked in a recollected bravado, “it all was your mistake. You proved untrustworthy, treacherous. Why you are after me now? It's no use. Even if you kill me, you can not avoid the inevitable circumstances, my young friend. You shouldn’t have come here and do all the nonsense for it is not going to help you in any way!"

Yet, Krishnan said nothing. He kept on looking intently at the pale face of the old man, who was wicked enough to play bloody games with innocents. The silence was maddening. I did not know what are we going to do to get information from such a hard core personality. My breath was hanging. Didn’t know what up to were we.

" You arson my office. You set the whole building ablaze. You have gone insane,” he said in an aggrieved tone." If you wanted any explanation you should have contacted me rather! "

I wanted to laugh at him. His notoriety was ingenious. He was acting as if he was a Grandpa and consoling the naughty kids.

" I will burn you to death if need be! " Krishnan retorted.

How Krishnan had changed in the short course of time! His moves were cunning. His actions were quick, suitable to a militant. He knew no soft ways to approach his enemies. `Give no chance to your enemies to think,’ he had said in the jungles, `and no time to act on it!' I never saw him excited since we met on the trawler. He was wounded, and because of the pain he could not sleep even for a second. Nevertheless he did not complain for the pain he was undergoing. His mind was as strong as of a militant. He had surprised our enemies. He meticulously thought and acted. That was the very reason we had took hold of Varadrajan who knew where my Janaki was hidden.

"Take us to the Integral coach factory," Krishnan whispered an order.

Varadrajan took left on the next crossing.

"Now answer my questions, one by one," said Krishnan in a flat voice.

My heart leapt. I knew what Krishnan was going to ask!

"I know nothing, Krishnan,” Varadrajan protested, "I am a very small fish in the pond, you know Krishnan. You are after a wrong person. I am an old man, devoted to the cause! I follow orders, just like the goons working under `dons', then why ask me questions? Let me go! "

I looked at Krishnan. I wanted to tell him this bastard was wasting our time. He knew everything, even where Janaki was hidden. Krishnan silently heard that rubbish.

"Now tell me, where is Janaki?"

"Who Janaki?" He mimicked double surprise.

At this I lost my patience and leaping at him I caught his head and violently jerked him, shouting_

"You bastard, you don't know who Janaki is?"

The jerks made his driving uncontrolled and the car drifted uncontrolled causing traffic a temporary disturbs, receiving violent reaction from the passersby’s, I let him go. He somehow regained his control and then controlled the car.

"Just go on driving, do not stop." Same, impassive Krishnan. Varadrajan said nothing. With left hand he tried to run his fingers through his disheveled hairs "You must tell me, don't you understand Varadrajan? You must tell me. You have to, or the death I have planned for you will be so horrible that even the gods in the heaven will shudder.

"Now tell me, in the first place, why you captured Janaki? She was no where related with our world. You wanted to avenge me for the crime I did not commit. O.K. If you wanted me dead, you could persue your endless efforts to do that. Why Janaki? Tell me... I have no patience left."

Krishnan said in a patient voice, but that could send shivers in the hearts of demons.

Unbearable silence again overpowered. My vision blurred. Throat dried up. I was on the verge of life and death, swinging in and out...

But yet, I had to be patient for I knew this was only chance. Losing would be terrible. I could meet my beloved again, if we handle the situation rightly. Will he tell us?

Varadrajan was, I felt, was considering the gravity of the threats. As if he knew that this two men, under the shadow of death, could easily do away with him!

And who is not afraid of death after all?

"It was Thyagrajan's idea," At last he mouthed what he knew. "But I told him repeatedly to let her be in home and let us keep watch from outside. It would have been more profitable, as I think of it. We could have easily captured both of you. But he was insistent, the fool. He reasoned that you would not return at home if you found, Janaki was safe. He wanted bait and that could only be your wife. And how could we let you go when you have caused so horrible damage to the system? I had to admit there was a point, had to abduct Janaki, tap the phone and insure you return to Madras. Thyagrajan employed his mend and captured Janaki, moved her to a safe place and planted his men in the house!

"Sure he was that you will phone up, you did it, then it was not difficult to know from where call was made. We were damn sure, at least till now, you both can not escape from our last attempt to punish you both. But it seems somehow you have outsmarted our people and now are after me..."

“Now, where is Janaki?" Asked Krishnan.

"That I..."

Krishnan hit at Varadrajans temples with clenched fist. Varadrajan cried in Pains. Again he lost control over the car. Krishnan adjusted the wheel and kept the car on the track.

"Now ... you are answering my questions. You dodge them and you are finished. Have I made you Understand?"

Varadrajan nodded, feeling pains in head.

"Now tell me, where is Janaki?"

"In George Town."

"Where exactly in George Town?"

"If I tell you that, Krishnan, it will be treachery and I am not treacherous as you are!"

"I had never been a treacherous!"

"Then why Shivrasan had to consume cyanide? We lost an important man because of you!"

"Why should I cheat you?"

"That is the thing you know better of. "

"What do I know, you son of a bitch?"

"We knew that you turned up on us when you met Dorai Swami!"

"I met him, but how can it mean that I turned up on you?"

Varadrajan gave a sarcastic laugh.

"Everybody knew that he was an undercover agent of RAW!"

Krishnan looked at him incredulously.

. "What? No, it can't be true!" Krishnan was aghast.

"Yes. It is a truth! Dorai Swami, though we knew, was an agent; we never let him feel we were suspicious of his true identity. We supplied him wrong information. We always kept him on wrong track. That was the reason why the RAW always thought that we will assassin Him somewhere in the north. Not in an obvious place like Sri Perambudur! We successfully off tracked the RAW and so the CBI through him. We manipulated the security lapses and meticulously executed our operation, but you failed us Krishnan..."

"But..." Krishnan was obviously shocked to hear these outrageous details. As if he knew not how to reason with this man to prove his innocence. However he continued, "But, I did not speak to Dorai Swami of anything concerning the assassination. And who knows you are speaking the truth? Why should I trust you? You people made me a scapegoat.... Isn’t it? And by the way where is Dorai Swami now? How did you know he was a mole?"

"We knew him from the day he joined us. We needed such defectors who could supply information to their superiors, the information we wanted to pass out, so that, they organise their efforts in false direction and we would made them happy to capture few militants we no more needed to let them boast about their serious efforts in controlling militancy.

"It was damn easy for us. Damn easy to spill dust in their eyes, so that we could carry out our major operations unobstructed, we always succeeded in that, you knew it Krishnan."

Krishnan was speechless.

"And do you know an interesting news, Krishnan?” Varadrajan asked benevolently, "The day Shivrasan was captured dead, he was an invisible man even to us. No one except top people and you possibly have known where he had taken temporary refuge. You were the man employed to ensure his safe get out. Now we know that you were the man in charge to take care of his journey and asylum. When we ourselves were in dark about his whereabouts, the possibility that the ignorant force of RAW, which all the time acts on the inside information, could find him and Shuba was extremely remote. The obvious reasoning is you turned up. You informed Dorai Swami what was going on and where did Shivarasan could be found. He alerted the RAW and naturally poor soul Shivrasan had to end up his life in order to stop arrest and possible further repercussions. We lost so many things with the death of him. Many people have been arrested since his death. There is fear everywhere and that’s you who caused it.

"I did not know Shivrasans whereabouts nor do anyone else except Prabhakaran and you. And we found out, you met Dorai Swami and came back to Madras, and only a day after that Shivrasan's hide-out was surrounded by the Police!"

" Whatever you people feel. I was not that man who blown on you, O.K.? I don't know what makes you think I defected to Dorai Swami about whom I know so little."

"Then why you met him?"

"It's a long story!” Said Krishnan in a deflated voice. "His brother was captured in Sri Lanka during the army attack. He himself contacted me and begged me if we could do something to pressurize Sri Lankan army to release his brother. He knew I was a responsible man in the organisation. He expected me to..."

Varadrajan let out a hearty laugh.

"You foolish young man! Tell this crap to amateurs."

"I am telling you the truth!"

Varadrajan did not try to control his filthy laughter.

As soon as the waves of laughter receded, Varadrajan said__

"Dorai Swami never had any brother. He was the only son to his parents.”

The shocking revelation stabbed me in chest like a sharp knife.

I watched Krishnan's ashen and pale face. His Lips twitching to express anguish. Was he angry? Was he feeling being fooled? Was he oceaning himself with rage?

I could not judge.

"But why would Dorai Swami lie?" He asked in a defeated voice filled with acute pain.

"That __, said Varadrajan in triumphant voice, "Only you know. Dorai Swami could not contact you unless he knew exactly who you were. For him you never existed! We never wished he ever should know who you were and why you had to visit mainland. We could not afford to let him know who you were! "

" But, he did contact me..." Krishnan tried to protest. The sides were changed. As if now Krishnan was a captive and was trying to prove his innocence to the judges. It bothered me as now it all was immaterial why they thought he was a traitor. The question was how we were to rescue my wife.

My heart twanged with rushing pains.

The conversation was not at all on an appropriate track. Krishnan was getting upset. Any moment, I could feel, his emotions will explode and he will shoot Varadrajan dead. I got worried.

" Krishnan, ask him, where Janaki is! " The tears, uncontrollably, rolled down my cheeks. " We don't have time, Krishnan __ don’t try to prove your innocence here for it is waste of time. They won’t trust you and even if they trust we have now caused them enough damage to let us in utter danger anyway." I begged.

But Krishnan was a deaf man at that moment. He kept on looking, as if in trance at Vardhrajan. His face was as white as I had never seen before. Even under the shadows of death, he had maintained his poise. Now what had happened to him?

" Krishnan..." I almost shouted.

But yet, Krishnan did not listen to me. His mouth was wide open. His eyes transfixed on that monster.





" Someone has framed me, Venu,” after a while, Krishnan said in a deep anguish. " Someone has played a dirty game with me. I am fooled. I swear Venu..."

He spoke, directly looking at me; his eyes were a pair of blazing agonies.

" Ah! And do you know, it's impossible?” Exclaimed Varadrajan in a mocking tone, as if enjoying his temporary victory, forgetting he was in our custody!

" That.... you will never live to see, you monster!” Said Krishnan in a hoarse voce. He shut his eyes to control the bursting volcanoes in his heart, opened them again and said in flat voice____

" Now, let us go to George Town. We want Janaki. And you will bring her out to us. "

Varadrajan said nothing. He kept on driving, now, with changed direction towards George Town.

" This is useless, Krishnan,” said Varadrajan without protest, "I have no authority over Thyagrajan. You know the rules. They will let you kill me but won’t release her under any circumstances. You are putting yours as well my life in unnecessary danger. She is safe until you both are roaming free and alive. The day they come to know that you can not be captured or killed then they may release her. Better if you get off this city and find safer haven trusting in your destiny that the death doesn’t approach you or the news that Janaki is fed to fishes."

" I know your fucking ways of functioning. But you know where she is. You will take us to that premise! We will see what to do when we confront your people.”

" The premises is well protected Krishnan. I can see from your faces that you both are not slept for long time and are starving. You can not fight the situation you are thinking of. You simply can't use me as a shield for I too can not get in there without prior instruction and approval. You will be simply blown to pieces along with her. That are the instructions to everybody, try to understand."

"I know, “said Krishnan, "Tell me the address."

" Fourth street. B__54, if at all you want to put yourself in danger. I am an old man and have seen enough life and have lived for cause."

" How many men?" Krishnan neglected his mumble.

" At least twenty."

" Why? You knew we were dead then why so much security?”

" We are always conscious! You know?”

"Yes. As if just yesterday I joined your filthy organisation." Retorted Krishnan sarcastically.

Varadrajan preferred to be silent.

" Where is Thyagrajan now?”

" How could I know? "

" You will call him."

"No__ why should I?"

“You will obey to me, you old fool. You say you are not afraid of the death, but I can see it on your face how deadly afraid you are. Trust me I will execute all my threats to extreme accuracy. Now you will phone him, got it?"

" I will. But it won't yield anything you want.”

" That's my problem.”

"Alright. I'll phone,” He said obediently.

I did not know why Krishnan was considering seriously contacting Thyagrajan instead of forcing this big fish in our attempt to rescue my Janaki. But I did not know how LTTE functioned. For me, Thyagrajan was a meager contractor who dealt fishes, and Varadrajan was a supremo.

But Krishnan was no fool. He knew their ways around.

I felt he knew what he was up to. Thyagrajan might be important man at least in this case, I summed up. Will Thyagrajan release Janaki, if Varadrajan phones up? The question was throbbing in my heart, accelerating so many counter questions.

"You will stop the car when I instruct you and then you'll get down. I wish no show off or you are dead. I am right after you covering with gun and a mistake you are dead. Just follow the orders as accurately as you follow Prabhakaran’s. I think it is enough now and let us stop beating around the bushes. You people are fools that now I can understand. You have tried to sacrifice my life and now you are after innocent people. I won’t let you do anything to her. No matter what happens to me. Still I have not contacted RAW. If I do and strike a deal with them you all will be behind the bars awaiting death sentence. I have so much valuable information they will certainly be interested in. But still I have faith in the cause we have made mission of life is significant enough to me to put our life in danger instead of calling on the enemies, the RAW. However I can do it anyway if you act like bastards.”

Varadrajan reflected on Krishnan’s sincere statement and then asked,

" But...what I had to tell Thyagrajan? "

I shot my glance at Krishnan in anticipation.

" You will inform him that I and Venugopal were executed and now there is no reason why we should keep Janaki in our custody any more. Got me?”

" He won't believe me. He will smell foul play. This is all useless, Krishnan."

" He will believe you, trust me. I have already informed the Headquarters of our death. I hope you know that it's I who installed the communication system at Dhanushpalayam! I have passed the same information to them so even if Thyagrajan needs confirmation he'll have it! "

Varadrajan looked at Krishnan in disbelief....

" You can’t possibly have done that! We had known if some unauthorised one entered at centre.”

" Three goons are dead. Transmission system is destroyed after passing on the information I wanted to pass. There is no way how Thyagrajan can confirm the news until he comes to know what happened at Dhanushpalayam. And the fact is they accepted the message of our death only because they were anticipating the same message. For now we are dead for your bloody organisation and now there is no reason why Janaki should remain in your custody. Ask him to release her and he will be too happy to do so..."

" And what if he does not release her? "

" Then until she is safely handed back to us, you will remain in our custody. Now my nerves are aching, Varad, don’t force me to crack and make me brutal, you understand?"

Varadrajan nodded affirmation. He had no choice.

" You are insane" he muttered.

Krishnan gave an impassive smile.

I saw a yellow board, indicating “ Telephone booth.”

" Stop the car beside the booth." Krishnan said coldly." Remember that I am behind you, with the revolver. You will call Thyagrajan and will say exactly what I have told you in casual tone. O.K.?”

Varadrajan nodded as he slowed down the car.

The car came to a halt beside the footpath divided by iron railing. The booth seemed empty. The air was hot and damp. Sweat insistently formed heavy beads over forehead, though I wiped it out many times. Uneasiness filled up my empty mind. The shadow of Varadrajan slowly bent over the door, opened it in slow motion and stepped out in the blinding daylight. Krishnan too moved out of my blurred vision. I wanted to yell at my mute mind to strengthen up, be alert...and be ready for taking advantage of the situation. But, the dumbness grasped me in its cruel clutches. I tried to focus my vision on the stealthy movements of the two men towards that yellow booth.

I wanted to reconcile my strength. I wished the angles to chase and finish off the invisible enemy.

What was happening to me?

Was it a sign of my surrender?

Or was sleep overpowering me?

An eternal sleep?

Or was it a nightmare soon to be finished and an awakening in the warm embrace of my beloved?

I did not know.

I tried to change my position. I again wiped out the gathering sweat over my face.

I tried to concentrate on the booth, now occupied by both the men.

Time was speeding up, making blurred imprints over my memories. The monstrous city was well alive in the quest of quenching its terrible hunger. I saw vicious animals all around me, who cared less for what forced them to participate in the game of life and death, hunger for power and futile sorrows to weep over. They blindly followed the rules of society made by those who never belonged to the society.

All of a sudden, I saw Krishnan tumbling dawn at the booth's door. The sight intensified the tension. I thought...we have lost...we have been outsmarted by those cunning bastards...Janaki...now I can never see her...

In a flash the thought made me wide-awake.

I looked at the running Varadrajan through the thin crowd...

Krishnan was now stood erect, but his wound was ripped open and it was bleeding, his face contorted with unbearable pains...

No, we could not afford to lose that bastard.

I pushed the door open, held revolver in hand and ran madly behind Vardarajan who was now trying to cross the road.

I was young and now filled up with outrage.

I ran like a maddening lightning.

Varadrajan looked back at me.

I saw his face being ashen at the sight of the revolver in my hand.

I pulled the trigger, prayed he is not dead. The explosion changed the scenario. The vehicles came to an abrupt halt and collided with each other and I could hear distant fear overpowering the morning. The careless mob got frightened and ran helter -skelter.

I saw through the moist eyes his old weak body shudder and collapse in a pool of dripping blood. He writhed with pains. He was not dead …no…don’t die you bastard… I need you…thank god…I wanted him alive. I wanted him back again. I rushed to him in all wildernesses.

But I heard the whistles of police at some distance.

I helplessly looked back at Krishnan who, by now, strode towards car.

"Hurry...." He shouted in a weak voice.

How helpless I was. The police were approaching. Now the people around the show too had started yelling in hysteria. I wanted to take him back to the car…but instantly I knew we had lost. The rage for the helplessness surged within me.

I took another aim. If he could not be captured alive, there was no reason why he should pollute the earth with his dirty breaths. I shot in his head; he gave a violent jerk and rested forever.

Weak…tired...angry and defeated, I turned back toward the car.

Krishnan said. " Drive the car...can you?"

I threw revolver on back seat, took charge of driving wheel and like a darting arrow sped on the tar road.

I was drenched with viscid sweat. My palms damp and mind blank.

“Slow down, Venu," Krishnan said. “ Sorry…”

I followed his instruction. Slowed down the car unknowingly.



Now the police knew that there was a shootout in broad daylight. A man was lying dead in a pool of blood on the road. I imagined their reaction. I knew before the police surrounded us, we must abandon this car and find a shelter.

The circumstances were not in our favor. There was a frantic reaction erupting through all the particles of my body that making crazy enough to be suicidal.

I looked at Krishnan. The sight shocked me. His forehead had a deep cut, bleeding fiercely.

" Is it paining to much, Krishnan?” I asked in a hoarse voice.

" Concentrate on the road, turn to left in that alley..."

I turned the wheel.

"We are being followed." He said in weak voice.

"Police?"

"No. It's a red Maruti car. They must be our friends.... Sorry, my friend."

My body stiffened. I looked in the rear view mirror. A red car was following us. I looked at Krishnan desperately.

"Now what Krishnan? We have two enemies now, the police and this bloody gang of yours. Tell me what to do? How to reach Janaki?”

The red Maruti maintained safe distance from us. I knew it was a deadly end of our desperate efforts. Krishnan was wounded and I was a novice in dealing with the crisis. Either LTTE or the police will certainly seize us. Both meant death. What to do? How to get rid of those bastards? I knew not.

I was scared to death.

But how so quickly LTTE reached us?

" He informed them..." Krishnan answered the unasked question. " He did not speak what I had instructed him to. He hit me with the phone on my head, I stumbled, and before I could recover he finished with what he wanted to say and started running....”

" Ah..." I signed in desperation.

" These are hard core militants... they won’t bow before threats despite death looming large on them. I took a chance, Venu, but failed."

It was the destiny, playing hide and seek with us. The dangers fell on us one after the other. How much a man can weep over his misfortune? Now the tears were dried up, only a strange feeling of detached vengeance, and acceptance of the naked reality left its eternal imprint on my mind.

We had approached Saint Thomas Square.

" Turn left and increase the speed," said Krishnan.

I turned the wheel, caring less for the traffic signal, the wheels screamed as the accelerator hit the bottom.

Huge statue of Saint Thomas, in a circled garden, in a short glimpse, looked like paternal bliss.

The road was almost empty except a few speeding vehicles. The red Maruti too followed us with a zooming and threatening speed.

I knew at that very instance, that the last battle would take place on this street only.

Krishnan was observing that Maruti.

" They have guns. I can see barrel stretching out...they will open fire...Venu."

The road spread ahead like a boa constrictor, dull and yet ready to swallow whatsoever walked in. A monster!

What shall I do?

How to save our souls?

Now the Maruti was trying to come parallel with us. It was in full speed.

Suddenly a thought crossed my mind.

I pressed the brakes.

The tires screeched and with a heavy jerk it came to a halt.

The red Maruti crossed us. And before they could realise what happened, I turned the car and sped in the opposite direction.

My heart was crashing against the ribs as violently as the rage of sea storm. My fists closed tightly over the steering wheel and blood shot in to the ears.

" They too have turned, but we have now maintained a safe distance. The only fear is that they are equipped with sophisticated weapons," said Krishnan like a cricket commentator.

I knew we were not safe, we could not be. I was just trying to prolong our impending death, nothing else.

Again the statue of benevolent Saint Thomas was in sight and a crowded road ahead. I was doubtful if they will attempt to fire at us in the crowded street, but soon I remembered the many shootouts by them on such busy streets.

Why they will spare us?

We were their worst enemies.

And then an undefined vengeance filled my mind. I could not bear the piercing touch of the deadly feelings.

All of a sudden I heard a crash. Certainly, it was not cause for it, but I could listen to the explosion, and then various colors flashed before my eyes. Then gradually, the colors settled down. My senses froze, but some hidden power forced me to pray-

"O god ...help me not to fell unconscious."

But god did not hear my prayer. And I gradually fell in to the cold embrace of unconsciousness.

I was dead. I was at peace.

The feeling assured me.





















I felt quietness all around me. A terrible whiteness was enveloping me and it was as cold as the chill in the morgue. It touched me with its ice-cold fingers, caressing me, before it would swallow me. The whiteness resembled with the life after death.

No I didn't want to die. I want to live for my beloved Janaki. To avenge those bastards who pushed me in the valley of misery and agonies.

I shut my eyes to escape that terrible scene. A red fluid began staining the canvas of my mind and fear clutched my heart with its monstrous force.

What that red fluid indicated? What did it suggest?

Was it a sign of my death?

I desperately wanted to run away from that ghastly scene and that red fluid.

I wanted a calm and a peaceful darkness around me so that I could feel safe and protected, but it all ditched me like an unfaithful friend. The whiteness and redness suffocated me. I wanted to escape, but it went on burdening my mind; the darkness did not favour me.

The moments were sharp as ice needles piercing my heart causing unbearable pain, but I could not scream.

The tormenting memories of the past suddenly became alive and I fell into the confusion of the past and the present and an unending fight; a fight that wont yield any result, but only pain.

I was suffering in the realm of death and life with endless waiting. But I did not want to wait. I preferred death over these agonising waiting. Where was that blissful death and if I were dead, then why this pain.

Oh god! Why after all you created life?

Janaki...

Oh my god...

Where is she?

Where they have imprisoned you?

I could not give you happiness.

The destiny should be ashamed...for that moment when it graced my life with your existence.

Why after all we met?

I am an utter bastard...

My father was a rascal...

Hadn't his involvement with the terrorist responsible for the curse I am suffering? I have become a prey for his treacherous past.

I am afloat the raging waves of the sea of pain.

But...

These moments...though pain full...dose not seem to be death...

And I can not see the light of life either.

Neither darkness...nor light...

Only the sticky red fluid...

In what state of existence I am, only God knows...



Gradually, the heavy curtain of unconsciousness slid away. The stormy thoughts slipped in the vacuums of my mind and rested.

Slowly I opened my heavy eyelids.

The curtain of mist desolated and I could see the movement of some images.

A Doctor, in white, with a serious face stood beside me. He was watching me intently. Then I turned my eyes to an old nurse, ruffling the pages of the chart. Slowly I moved my eyes to see where I was. It was a room, all whitewashed. Not large, but had enough space to accommodate weird surgical equipment and the movements of the visitors. There was no picture on the walls. I did not understand where was I.

Suddenly, Krishnan's image dawned on the tired horizons of my mind.

Where was he?

Had he survived that accident?

" He is improving" I heard the doctor confiding in the nurse. Then he bent over me and asked ___

" Can you hear me?"

I tried to speak, but only my lips moved...there was no voice. My mouth was dry like a river in the desert.

" Don't try to speak. Just give me a nod..."

I nodded positively.

" Thank God..." doctor's face rippled with satisfaction.

I had many questions to ask, but I could not speak. All energy had drained out. I tried to move my hand...I was satisfied to note that I could do it. But right hand was as stiff as a wooden block. Then with my left hand I touched my face...I was shocked...whose face was that?

" Your face is swollen...however, the wounds are about to heal...!" the doctor informed me.

What does this doctor means?

How long I am here on this bed?

And I began to think, with all my weak strength of mind and yet my reasoning betrayed me. Again I got lost in the maze of irrelevant thoughts.







When I woke up again, my mind was as calm as noiseless sky. I opened my eyes and saw a dim bulb illuminating the white room. It must be night. I was all alone in that room. For a moment my heart froze with fear. Where was I? I tried to listen... but there was a deadly quietness. I could hear only swift propelling of the ceiling fan.

I closed my eyes in exasperation. I tried to remember the moments of the accident, but my memories betrayed me. As if there never was an accident, just a dream, a horrible dream…which has left its traces on the frame of my mind. I could not recall anything.

I must be...in all probabilities, in the hands of LTTE.

But then why on earth they are trying to save my life? They certainly will prefer to see me dead.

Then, where I was? In whose hands? Where was Krishnan?

I turned my face towards the left wall. The small movement raked a volcano of pain in my body. I closed my eyes to wait till it subsides. I opened my eyes again. The white wall stood like a barrier between my awakening and the world I belonged to. Then I looked at the switch with an imprint of bell over it.

Call bell...

For moments a flow of wild expectations rushed in my mind.

Should I press it?

Who will come in?

Where was I?

Then suddenly a reality suddenly dawned upon me. I had crossed a boundary and had entered in an unknown realm. Now it was immaterial to know what awaited next.

I pressed the button and waited impatiently.

The waiting was not a blessing.

A painful waiting, twisting and squeezing my heart....

The moments came and went away...

I heard a creak in the door.

A young nurse entered the room. Her face was sleepy, but as she looked at me, her face huddled in alertness.

" Should I call the doctor? Are you feeling all right?

" No." The first word, after long night of speechless existence, I uttered.

" Do you want anything?

I gave a negative nod.

" Who brought me here?" I asked in an anxious voice.

" Why think of that? You are safe here, and it is enough to know that."

" Where is my friend...?"

" He is alright...back in senses. In fact, he is worried for you..."

" Where am I?’

" Sorry. No more questions.”

The dark complexioned young nurse made the sign of cross and checked my eyelids and then scribbled something on the chart.

" Do you feel pains?”

" No...not much now. Sister, please tell me since how long I am here?"

The nurse looked at me patiently.

" This is eleventh day...."She said in a whisper.

" Eleventh day?” I screamed in the throat.

"Impossible... my Janaki...."

" Don't get excited." she whispered. “It's a miracle that you are alive. Thank God for it." A flicker of peaceful light emerged and extinguished in her dark eyes. But I was unrest.

" At least tell me, where am I?”

" Sorry...” she muttered, as if not happy for restricting any information to me. " You are not yet recovered. It may take days or weeks before we could allow you to move around, but you are alive and it's a miracle, believe me."

She handed me few pills. I swallowed in a gulp. For moments a perfect stillness ruled the room. I was looking at her intently. She was dark complexioned, just like Tamils, but she possessed a well-carved body. Her nose was sharp, that gleamed of its youth in the dim light. She was medium height. Through the tight uniform, her blossomed breasts protruded like the mounds. She had a slim waist, curving forward down to form almond of flourishing feminine self. Gradually, the unknown mist surrounded her beautiful frame, an angel. The dark clouds infiltrated in my eyes and slowly that herd of clouds swallowed me. When I was about to cross the threshold of sleep, the only thought hit me like lightning was what if she had given me poison instead of sleeping pills?







Now I was getting well. At certain interval a doctor and nurses would come, check me, and feed me to retreat back in their cozy world of safety. Now I was able to eat. It would pain me a little, but soon I got used to it. The deadly pain, just like a nightmare, life was now far away from me. The stiffened body slowly accepted to move a little without giving me many pains, as if life was taking me over again. I had to take a lot of medicines and lot of fluid in veins.

No one would speak to me too much. Just casual talk about my pains and diet. Now I could stand on my own legs with no support. I could not go beyond the doors, closed from outside, as if they wanted me not to know where I was and for what I was brought back to life.

I tried to think hard who these people would be, who had imprisoned me in a white cell. Even if it were police, they wouldn't have brought us in such a hospital where law of secrecy could be strictly maintained. I was wondering and getting pained and yet no plausible answer would come.





I could not believe that it was a hospital of any kind. I could barely listen to the outside rustle of wind and muffled sounds, indicating the presence of human outside there. I could not connect these signs with any place in my memory surrounded by a thick populace.

I would broach the nurse with many questions and with a warm smile she would avoid the answers. As if she had vowed not to satisfy my curiosity.

I was a weak, tired and frustrated creature. Wounds were nearly healed. Few teethes were absent from their usual place and my broken right arm was till in the plaster. I would move in the closed room, like an animal...hissing agonies and vain wrath.

Soon, I found it difficult to breathe even for a single moment in the company of agonising thoughts. But they would erupt within me, making me crazy. I would, sometimes, feel that I am in the hands of militants who would torment me mortally. They will throw me once again in the ocean of anguish.

Krishnan...

Was he really alive? Was Janaki alive?

I would dream her suffering...I would dream of her bleeding corpse...drenched in the cold sweat I would open my eyes... I would say to myself, " Look Venu, you are well alive even after that deadly accident. It was certainly a miracle. God really dose exists, otherwise how could it be possible that you defeated, killed bloodhounds after you and yet you are alive? You have done nothing wrong in the past. You had always been helpful and kind to others. You have never sinned in your life. That's the reason you are alive. God is with you. He will not let you suffer anymore. You will go back to your home.... Janaki will be waiting for you. Only God has saved you and only he will save Janaki too! "

The consolation would wither away with the cold touch of stark reality. I knew well, I was alive only because I had to suffer even more. I knew, as long as I am alive, the vengeful LTTE members will not rest. Till the moment they find me, they will continue their chase. Some or the other day, my death is certain. How and where, is the only question.

Through the newspapers, I had read many stories about LTTE and their operations. The people, who were fanatic enough ready to eat cyanide if they feared arrests, and could offer themselves as human bomb, could not be expected to be merciful with the man who had caused heavy damage to their organisation and their fool-proof system. I sensed they must be around us somewhere, ready to swoop as soon I am in their grasp. It would frighten me... It would chill me.

Some times I would be filled up with towering wrath. Why did they force me to join their bloody path! I never had any compassion for them and their cause. I had nothing to do with politics and the bloody games involved in it.

But... yet they had entangled me in a chain of inevitable incidents. And to save myself I had to wage war against them.

I was alive... just by coincidence. I was just prolonging my death...

And being alive was not a blessing.

Now, as long I was alive, I was left with only one choice... fight until death.

Revenge, such a horrible deadly revenge that the angels in the heaven will shiver with fear.

Now there was left nothing for me, but a scorched mind with defeated hopes. That straight simple warm path of life was robbed from me.

If I was alive... I had to be alive...

At least till my soul rests in peace. The defeated souls think of suicide. I never thought of ending my own life. I was not a coward. Deep inside me there existed a warrior...





This dialogue with the friend hidden in me would make me feel strong. I would stroll in the room. This end to that end... one... two... three... determined steps, head down, mind conscious. Do not think, just go on walking, till you are tired enough. Then go back to the bed lie down. Keep on looking at the white ceiling. Try not to think. If at all you want to think, think of the diet, think of the food that they might serve you this evening. Try to talk to the doctor... You know very well that he won't speak anything relevant to your detention... but you can talk to him about the weather outside, ask him whether this has been a sunny day or a cloudy one! Ask him about his wife, kids- if he has any... he can talk at least that much. No harm in discussing family affairs... You can tell him how your wife is pregnant and you are expecting a son... and if at all Janaki delivers a daughter... She must be as beautiful as her mother... that's all. Your can tell him how flourishing your business was... how intelligent you were to predict weather by the colour of sea. You can speak as much as you want...

Also, there is the nurse... with her too you can speak. You can ask her if she is married and if not is there someone for whom her heart races? Does she live with her parents and if yes how deeply she loves them? Is she happy with the present job where she is restricted to be frank with her patients? Does she have to look after many patients like me? Is she tired? Dose she attend the church and pray to God regularly?

You can speak... you can bury the disturbing thoughts in depths of the ocean within you...

And yet... who is singing that heart-rending song? Why the sound is trembling and is so warped in emotions? Who is beating the drums in maddening sound, under the dusky horizons? From where all the pain is flowering within me? Why a melancholy silence goes on suppressing the ripples of thoughts and put me in the arms of sleep? And yet, who is well alive, like the ghosts, crowding inside me, dancing with ugly gestures? Frightening me?

Wait... O my maddening mind... wait…

Just wait... who knows... a miracle might be waiting for you.

But... how weak was the consolation. It won’t let me be soothed. It would scream... it would deafen me... I would go on walking... one... two... three... infinity... The sweat would stream out from all sides. The healing wounds would cry. Then I would return back to bed... exhausted.

I would shut my eyes tight to forget that I was alive...

But how impossible was it!

Why I was sane enough to sense?



***



Occasionally I would get angry at Krishnan. I would clench my fists and would abuse him loudly. Had that scum was not aboard my trawler but someone else, I would have kicked his ass off in the mouth of death. I would have returned safely back to Madras and could have collected my reward. My life would have been safe... my Janaki would have been in my arms, but for the treacherous destiny.

And who is capable of turning down verdict of destiny?

I knew I could not be so cruel as to throw not only Krishnan but also any other living soul, in the jaws of death.

And that was my weakness. I detested those who would force humble people to bend before them only because they possessed power. Who gave them the right to destroy the life of others? After all, what eternal values they were fighting for? They were selfish. They desired power, and for the sake of their insane dreams, they had pressed people at their service. They were as cruel as wolves. Not only me, but they had destroyed life of many. The rivers of blood had flown. Why? For the race whose purity was vanished long ago? Today, which race can claim of its purity? None. But they inflamed the deeply buried sense of racial egoism in the people. Masses are always blind. They accepted the philosophy. And such Philosophies never value life. And the goals remain far away from the grasp of those who lost their life for the cause.

We have always been afraid. Afraid of violence. Afraid of power. Afraid of Government. Afraid of social values. The importance of fear is well used by the rascals, who understand human psyche. They capitalise the fear and turn your life to hell. We never have enough courage to denounce them. That's how easily can play with your life...

Where is humanity after all?

They were masters of mass psychology. They profited out of that sheer knowledge. They spilled out violence. They said that only violence could bring peace and safety. They made violence their lifeline. History is witness... Many rascals have came in power by preaching similar philosophies. Is this the same land where Mahavir, Buddha and Gandhi walked?

No. The creed of enemies of society is spreading as an epidemic. They must be crushed down before they can cause more harms to the establishment. Let the blood rivers flow... not of the commoners...but of these bastards blood must be spilled out. They must be shot dead in public. Let the vultures satisfy their hunger.

See how strange is the human life. Since the day we are born, we grow in the given socio-economic conditions. We form the good or bad opinions about the world we live in. The teachers teach you- only truth, character and non-violence are the fundamental principles you have to grow with. They impress on you that honesty is the only ornament human character should be proud of. They show you the ideals. They tell you to become ideal personalities.

And see, one by one, the ideals go on collapsing as you tread ahead, just like the brothers of Yudhisthirs on the way to heaven. The ideals you learn in your childhood go on shattering before your eyes as time progresses. You feel they were never the ideals and go on wondering how fool you were that you believed in those ideals. But again, an unending effort, you form other idols in your heart and keep on walking. Then, at one fine day, you find the new idols as filthy as rags. Then you try to console yourself... You try to think, after all world is like this... Then you, as a grown up man with shattered faiths, try to form your own image in the world you are living in. You construct a facade around you, yet pretending what a man you are of deep values. You try hard to impress upon the others, how successful you have been in the proximity of ethics and morals. But yet you know at the depths of the hearts, that, that is not the truth. You know very well how bitter and violent the world is and how you too are a part of it. The life teaches you to shut your eyes at the naked facts. You live in illusions. It deprives you from your real duties towards life and you do all the things, which publicly are being denounced. Then you come up with the new philosophy. You keep on telling yourself... if the society is bloody not bothered of it's own devastation, then why on earth you only should think and be bothered of it? And yet you are so hypocrite that you can teach your own blood, how morals and ethics matter! You get angry when your son lies to you. You can beat him harshly. You never try to think how shrewd and tricky you have become. And yet, you in endeavor to become a pillar of society throwing all the morals in trash box. Few people, the extremists, launch a walk out off the society. They, with their acute knowledge of the human psyche, on the power of arms, threaten the so-called gentle society, and force the society to acknowledge their existence. O.K. they are insane.... they are perverts, but truly speaking, very similar in nature with these gentle beings. An impotent perversion and one violent perversion. Aren't both are dangerous to the human race? But we are ourselves responsible. We let flourish the sins and we let them too flourish. We tend to pray false powers. The true strengths we always neglect. The true power dose not lies in weapons. Not in governance. It is in morals. But morals can not allow you to fight out even evil. The morals can not even allow generating any evil. But morals have been wiped out from the human proximity. Now only weapons are the morals.



As I moved to and fro in my room I would think.... sometime passionately...sometime angrily.



***



The days passed. After having the usual sponge, sitting on the cot, I got engrossed in meditation. The mind was as peaceful as the sea in the pleasant morning. That peace had an edge of strength.

The door was opened and the doctor entered

"Now you can come out, someone is waiting for you."

I could not believe my ears. Had I heard him correct?

“Who?" I asked with heart in hand.

"You see for yourself, you are all right now...,” he said in soft voice.

I spoke to him in deep gratitude-"I don’t know in whose hands I am, but doctor, I shall be thankful to you for what you did for me all my life."

The doctor gave a warm smile and patted me. I jumped down and walked out of the room and for a few moments...I stood just like a statue, looking at the sight I witnessed.



My gaze ran through the neatly cut lawn and shrubs upped the huge wall, surrounding the premises, forming a semi circle stood three stone buildings. I stood like a statue, amazed at the first view of outside world; slowly I realized that this was a strange place, located amidst woods. I could guess that because there was not a single building visible around. There was no sign to identify as to where the hospital was located. A fear began to grip me.

"Come on--" the doctor said in an urgent voice. He almost startled me. I looked at him as if I had seen him for the first time.

" O.K. doctor..." I gave a hollow whisper, and followed him through a huge corridor. I could sense that almost every room or hall was occupied behind the closed doors. But I could not see any other human soul around me. It made me slightly perplexed.

For a while we kept on walking. The clatter of chappals consoled me. Then we turned left in a dark corridor and then to right.

A muscular guard stood in attention at the door. A dim bulb spread its weak illumination. The guard's stony face turned at us. His cold eyes glittered. He gave a salute to the doctor.

"Let him go inside-" the doctor instructed the guard.

He nodded without uttering a single word.

"Goodbye young man...and good luck-" the doctor said to me and went back.

My condition, for a moment, was like that of a man awaiting the verdict in a murder case. I did not know where exactly I stood.

The guard opened the door for me. I stepped in with a throbbing heart.

It was a huge hall, having no windows. The buzz of air conditioner could be felt. In the center was a round table. The walls were painted faint green with no photo's or pictures stuck on it. A lamp stand was the only decorative item I could see there.

A chair was occupied. A thin but tall man sat in it with his back towards me.

My God! He was Krishnan.

He too sensed my presence and looked back. How eagerly he rushed and embraced me! I could see his eyes watered. I could feel the outburst of his feelings.

A sob choked my voice. My body trembled like a leaf in storm. All the cells of my body became a cry.

We remained like that for a long time, consoling each other. We did no know whether we were happy for the reunion or sad for the outcome of our endeavors.

The huge wave of feelings had drowned us.

Then it receded slowly, making the bare facts of life naked.

We slowly disengaged and watched each other intensely.

Krishnan looked far better. His wounds were healed, but how weak he looked!

"How are you now?" he asked with deep concern.

"Yeah ...alive,” I said, "But you look too weak-"

"It's the grace of Lord that we are alive," said Krishnan.

There was a wall of an intense silence between us for some time.

Then I broke the silence.

"Where are we, Krishnan?"

Krishnan shrugged.

"I don’t know for sure," said he, "Just a little guess, in few moments we are about to know where are we and in whose hands-"

I gave an understanding nod.

"They have brought us here to break the suspense," he said in his peculiar mischievous tone.

We both occupied the chairs. We had many things to discuss...many questions to ask, but words ditched us. The waves of bizarre abrupt eager sentences rose and broke against rocks of destiny, leaving sense of defeat in hearts. And that curiosity...deadly curiosity made thinking even harder.

After a long wait, the door of the hall opened. A tall, impressive looking man walked in, confidence was pouring from the way he walked. He must be in his late thirties. A black attaché case hung in his left hand. He strode towards the table and took the opposite seat.

He gently put the attaché on the table and tried to gauge us in a look. He did not waste time in preliminaries.

"Well, where are you, in whose hands and who am I, are the questions that must be disturbing you the most, I assume." His voice was deep and mesmerizing. "But before I answer these questions, I would like to brief you about the situation you are in, I know who you are. I have deduced how you must have been caught in the circumstances you are in. But the circumstances are not at all in your favor, let me tell you. You are a prey surrounded by the hunters. You may try to run away, but let me tell you frankly, death already has shadowed you.

" You are militants in the eyes of the government. You both have been associated with the most vicious gang on the earth. One of you is directly associated with the assassination of an ex-prime-minister of this country. You both are the most wanted criminals on the earth. SIT is digging deep. No pardon to the crime you knowingly or unknowingly have committed. The government, if you fell in their hands, will charge sheet you. The trial... very brief trial indeed, will take place and one day you both will be executed! I hope you know the consequences of the crime. Don’t you?"

We did not answer.

"Suppose, even if you escape the trial, you will be again on the streets, hunted by LTTE. Most vulnerable to danger of life as you is enemy of them too. You have caused heavy damage to their organisation. You have caused damage to their dignity. They won’t rest until they find you and make sure you are out of breath. Krishnan, you know well how strong network they have established in Tamilnadu. No one has so far been able to destroy this network. The Chinese, the Mosad are their guides, trainers and suppliers of ideas as well as armaments. SIT is not at all in the position to encounter this reality. Krishnan ...you know this very well...don't you?"

Krishnan did not reply, but I could see his muscles twisting.

"Not only that, the people are well trained and well equipped, they have solid backing of the public sentiment. You won’t be able to break the huge rock of sentiments to keep you alive. Can you?

"No. You can't!

"Hence, your position is of a man who jumps in either side, still is in danger. We all, including you know that. Yet, I must admire your courage and bravery, which forced you to rebel against a formidable force, and look at the miracle...till this moment, you both are alive. Would you not thank us?"

His polite face was full of self-assurance, before Krishnan posed for an attack.

"We may thank you if we know who you are. Don't spend time on detailing us on the possible dangers. We know we are in danger. We know very well that any moment death would clutch us. Stop raising fear, we are used to it. O.K.?"

His face reddened. He kept on beating his fingers on the table.

"Who are you? Krishnan raised his voice. The man stopped beating his fingers. He tried to control his disappointment and said,

"Well…it's not important, as to who am I!"

"Yes. It's important!"

"Aren't you happy for we saved your life?"

'Why should we?" retorted Krishnan, "death and life is no ones sovereign. No one saves no one kills. It's the destiny. If at all I am grateful, I am grateful to God. Not to you. Is it understood?"

His well-established confidence seemed shaken up. He seemed confused at the blunt statement of Krishnan. I was afraid that after all we were in the hands of unknown people. They might as well kill us.

But I let Krishnan speak for I was too ignorant for the game we were in.

The man sitting opposite shrugged and shut his eyes for a moment to think.

"Let me finish," said that man in an irritated voice, “first listen to me and then you can raise your questions. I've just told you what condition you are already in. Now it is in our hands as to which side we shall hand you over."

"So you are not the government officials," retorted Krishnan like a whip.

"Do you think, this kind of discussion would be possible with the government's dumb officials?"

"You are right but that dose not mean you are smart!"

"That's your look out!" said the man in front of us. "Now will you let me finish? Your bravery and bluntness is admirable, I must admit. Very few have that courage. That's the exact reason why we are interested in you. “

"Proceed," said Krishnan in a calm voice. I became attentive.

"Whether you admit it or not the fact remains that we saved your life. It was not at all an easy task, we had chased you for a long time; we knew something strange was happening. I had never seen anyone in LTTE turning rebel in the past.

" You are the only case we were waiting for long time Krishnan, our patience has paid us.

" Now you have two choices, walk out from here, be on your own, face all the possible dangers from both the parties or join hands with us. We can help you immensely to level you can't imagine. We know you are important and we know how to help you in your revenge. We were in search for the people like you for years. Now finally we have got you.

" Think of it. Now you know where do you stand-"

I looked at Krishnan, buried in deep thoughts. A silence enveloped us like a shadow of death.

The man sitting in front broke again the silence.

"Krishnan, I know your past. I've a file on you."

He opened his briefcase, snatched out a file and browsed it, as if whole life of mysterious Krishnan was jotted down in there.

" You were arrested on airport by police authorities. You turned up against Indian government because you felt ditched by your own motherland. But you do not know the mystery shrouding your arrest. Murli, your friend at London needed recruits like you...brilliant and enthusiastic. He was the man who tipped Indian Embassy that how dangerous you were and with what ulterior motive you were returning back to India...of course, supported by few proofs, to incriminate you. You were arrested, just the way they thought and subsequently jailed. Your fundamental right to produce you before proper court of justice was denied to you due to then home secretary, who pressurized police authorities for this.

" Then, all of sudden, you were rescued by militants. The very arrest and your deliverance did concrete the possibility of your being LTTE stronghold, and it made you an enemy of government and due to the subsequent rescue, you became supporter of LTTE, which they needed badly to happen."

" It was not your fault. Not at all!”

Krishnan muscles flinched. His face looked like a defeated man. Now his eyes were glued to the table.

" Why did they do this to me!” He muttered in helpless hollow voice.

The man sitting in front gave a shrug.

"They needed...always needed smart guys at higher levels. No one could so easily become full time militant and dare peaceful life. The commoners, the illiterate can be easily motivated on emotional issues...not educated class...who posses enough brains not to challenge the system.”

Krishnan nodded, as if he understood what that man said.

I also was shocked at the revelation how cunningly Krishnan was baited to join dirty path of the life.

Now the man sitting in front turned at me and said--

" You are very ordinary man. By stroke of destiny you had to do the things which you never would have done in ordinary circumstances. I do not have much information on you. However we need you too! Those bastards have destroyed your life. I feel piety for you."

His voice had touch of deep feelings, or at least I felt so.

Unknowingly, words from my mouth reeled out.

" My wife...Janaki...those bastards kidnapped her...will you help out to rescue her? I will obey every order you give...can you do that?"

I was almost crying. The huge warm flow of tears drenched my cheeks and dripped down on the table. My heart was rushed to my ears. I was looking at him as if he was the judge who was to decide my destiny.

His face turned stony. He was looking at me with immense piety.

He did not speak. He just flipped up his briefcase and produced a days old issue and gently shoved at me.

Like a vulture I held the piece of the paper. Marked news was screaming at me-



Fisherman’s wife burnt alive.



The atmosphere exploded at once. My sight blurred. The storms stormed in my tiny blockhead. I held my head to safeguard me and screamed like a ghost. Kept on screaming. Then slowly my own voice became strange to me rushing far...far away… my voice leapt behind the piles of dark clouds. As if clouds were waiting for the cruel chance. They began drizzling sticky drops of bad omen. I drenched in that lousy liquid forgot even to scream.

As if for a while, I was dead!



The stream of conscious slowly returned to me. I was dead alive again. Someone was patting me affectionately on the back. Pushing aside the heavy curtain of mist, I tried to look where was I.

The whole might was drained out. The almighty had deceived Me. He had spitted on me. He had killed me alive. And so merciless he was that he had kept me all alive!

The bastards he was!

I was defeated, flattened and aghast. I knew not how to react…my senses were all-senseless.

I tried hard to push away the heavy curtain of mist looming about me. I wanted desperately to know if I was dead. But it was Krishnan, who stood beside me and kept on patting. I detested his touch. I, in vehemence, shoved him away, I abused him, and I wanted to hit him...

But he did not move. He did not protest my blows. I looked at him. He was weeping.

Then I covered my face with hands and kept on sobbing.

With flood of tears, all humanity was flowing out.

The storm receded. It had to recede. I had no control over it. I pressed my back on the chair with clenched fists I tried to win myself.

I dried my tears with backhand; Krishnan produced a glass of water.

" Take it---" He said.

I took it.

Felt little bit relieved.

" I am sorry--" said the man sitting in front. I did not need his 'sorry'. I just nodded. Krishnan to resumed his seat.

"After when you killed Varadrajan, Thyagrajan did it to your wife. Police tried their best to arrest him, but before they could place their hands on him, he fled to the place where Police could not place their hands on him. He fled to Tanjawar and from Tanjawar God knows where he is today. He may be back again to Madras or anywhere, but as you know, we don’t know whether police will ever succeed in this mission to arrest him. He is well protected. As far as we know, he was sailed to Sri Lanka, near Elephanta Pass. The Sailor is in custody of SIT and we know very little about the interrogation and outcome of it.”



He stopped speaking. Now I was not at all interested in the details. Nothing could matter to me now since my life was dead.



"I already have clarified you in which condition you both are. It was we who saved your life. We, before Police or LTTE could place hands on you, brought you here. Now you both are in good physical state. They are searching you every where like wild beasts. But if you can join hand’s with me and undertake a mission, which you would love most, or if I daresay you yourself are planning the same I am about to tell you. So, should I say you are with me?"

"With CIA?"

Whipped the voice of Krishnan.

The man sitting in front of us was unperturbed.

"Why do you think like this?" He asked gently.

"You are not government. You are not LTTE. And as far as I can deduce, CIA was behind assassination of Rajiv Gandhi. I know it for certain... and shit... why now you want us to join hands with you? All the way you have been backing LTTE, not only financially but also with arms and all! You don’t need us. Just go to hell-"

I was astonished. How could it matter now to us whether these well-organized people were CIA or anyone else? All our life was in utter danger.



But a broad smile had begun to appear as the face of the man sitting in front.

"You have no choice,” said he in vicious tone. " Have you? You are in extraordinary situation, which means you have no choice, but to do what we expect you to do. Now, whether you wish to stay with us or not it really hardly matters. It is useless to know who we are and why we saved your life. What matters is whether you are going to jump at the opportunity I have in my bag awaiting you. I know, if you jump at it, may be you will be safe or die a satisfied death in quest of avenging your enemies."

I glanced at Krishnan.

His face was wooden.

And it frightened me.

Memories of Janaki came back to me.

O...

That lovely being destroyed at the hands of bastards.

But, I did not know the trap I was in.

I looked at Krishnan in intense anticipation.

"Speak it out Krishnan - what we should do?"

Krishnan looked back at me. His face was in great pain. He nodded silently and looked again at that mysterious man.

"What you want us to do?" He asked hoarsely.

The man sitting in front nodded in approval.

He shuffled papers, as if to remind himself what he was up to!

“You know very well Krishnan, why LTTE was formed and with what objects. You know well how LTTE was helped and how it was despised by the masses. You know its friends and enemies. But till things keep on changing fast...at least in the world we are living in!

"You know well, how LTTE troubled otherwise peaceful atmosphere in the subcontinent. First China supported this organization and then superpowers on the earth. Because, there are people who does not wish India to be another superpower. India with it's all weaknesses and advantages, remained all the time a united country, against the vicious wishes of the entire world. But also it is a fact that this country is weakening day by day. LTTE was a best opportunity to shake India's very existence for those who desired this country be divided in many nations. Everyone assisted this org to help its objects.

"Prabhakaran, an ambitious man on this earth, was an excellent goat to be used and sacrificed whenever they thought it necessary. But he proved more wise and thoughtful to their general assessment. He killed all his opponents, his would be successors. Padmanabhan was last of the rebels, who got killed at the plans of Prabhakatan. He systematically assumed supremacy within organization. Tamilnadu, he used this state at his will. He assassinated Rajiv Gandhi, because he proved an obstruction in his ultimate goal-"

"Stop!" Roared Krishnan.

That man looked at him in utter surprise.

" What is it in your mind?"

"Rajiv Gandhi's killing was not Prabhakaran's plan, though he despised him like hell. Rajiv Gandhi was one who had send Indian Army to destroy his forts. But we fought like lions and defeated great mighty army. Prabhakaran was contented over it. He never wished Rajiv Gandhi should die."

Smiled the man sitting in front of us.

"Then tell me, why Rajiv Gandhi was assassinated so cruelly. Why?"

Krishnan's face was now as cold as ICE.

"Because USA wanted Rajiv Gandhi to die."

"Why USA thought so?"

Krishnan shrugged.

"You know it. Rajiv Gandhi had to die. Prior to him Indira Gandhi had to die. Sanjay had to die. All this family, with it's all weaknesses and strengths, was loved by all the Indians. And with them lied vision, wisdom and wit to lead this country to a superpower."

"You are quiet superstitious-!

"Am I?” Krishnan gave a weary laugh, "No, I am not, We always discussed about this in the jungles. Wherever they found they could poke their dirty nose in affairs of the local disputes they took either side. Supplied money, arms and missiles. But I never was surprised at this, for I knew or all the world knows how USA want to enforce it's world police position and for that they need trouble all over the world. When they find there is no trouble they create it with all their might, but forget it.

"Now, tell me now, what you want us to do?"

A mute silence enveloped the hall for a while. I was ignorant of all these happenings behind the curtain. How could I ever have thought that United States of America could ever plan assassination of Rajiv Gandhi at the hands of LTTE? What I knew was entirely different story that was published in newspapers.

"I don’t agree with your view points as CIA has nothing to do with Rajiv Gandhi's assassination. India since decades has been USA's friend. Your ideas are outrageous."

Krishnan said nothing.

"Really, people always have funny ideas about CIA. I wonder why? Any assassination here and there and CIA is at blame. CIA never came openly to deny the charges against it, and that’s what creates all the fuss. All right, we are not here to discuss the role of CIA in Rajiv Gandhi assassination. I will prove very soon, CIA has nothing to do with this."

Krishnan glanced at me, as if to see whether I was getting all what was being said.

I gave a nod.

"Actually, Prabhakaran has gone beyond his limits. Rajiv Gandhi's killing has caused ripples of doubt about the role of CIA, which has helped him with all the possible means for certain reasons but not to assassinate any leader of this country. The blemish is false. Prabhakaran has exceeded the limits. He may still go ahead and destroy the original purpose of our collaborations. We don’t want this to happen again.”

A sardonic laugh appeared on the face of Krishnan. The mysterious man sitting in front got perturbed at this laugh.

"You may not agree, Krishnan." He muttered. "Really, we need not to convince you. But here we are in peculiar situation, you must admit. As you rightly said, most of the intelligent class secretly believes that CIA is responsible for Rajiv Gandhi's assassination. Government has set up a commission to inquire in this matter and the very possibility is they may stumble on wrong proofs and will blame us inferring wrong meaning. We want to prove our intentions that we have nothing to do with the assassination and also wish to eliminate this man Prabhakaran who has turned up against the original purpose of the collaboration. "

"And how do you propose to make it proved?" Krishnan's voice was still sarcastic.

"We want you to eliminate Prabhakaran."

"You are outrageous…" muttered Krishnan. I was stunned at the suggestion given by that unnamed man.

"You need not to be surprised."

"Why?" muttered Krishnan,” I am flabbergasted. Your suggestion is outrageous. Have you been in mental asylum lately? You, a most powerful gang of vicious, scheming and dirty brains suggests a couple of trapped- in- death men to assassin a man who is highly protected! Ah! I can't even laugh at you!”

"Krishnan, do you know reality?”

"What reality?”

"CIA can not touch Prabhakaran."

“Why?”

"We lack in means. We can not reach him. No white male American can even enter his forte ... killing is a far away dream. There were some possibilities to use local men, his opponents or to bribe his close men. The efforts to locate such personality have failed. If someone can kill him, only you, Krishnan, because, you were one of them. You know their routs, secret forts and working method. You know how the organization functions. You can't raise suspicion in Jaffna, if you roam around. And you know the area as one knows lines over his own palm.

"And you have cause to kill Prabhakaran. He is who have destroyed your career. He is who, who have put your life in danger and that too not at your fault! He is who have killed wife of your dearest friend, burnt alive, you know? Try to listen to her screams when her body was put on flames."

My fists clenched. I wanted to yell and say; "I want to kill that bastard! He has killed a gentle man within me." But as I frowned to say Krishnan looked at me and signaled to stop. I looked at him in raging anger, but said nothing.

"It is true. He has caused danger to our life. I know he is not a good man. I may kill him one day with my bare hands. But, why you want us to kill him? We are not toys to obey orders of a childish smug."

The man sitting in front was not annoyed at all. He gave a dirty smile.

"Do you have any choice?”

"Yes. We have."

"And what is that choice you have?”

"We can deny to obey you suggestion."

"Then I will mourn over your early death."

"You are threatening us?”

"And why shouldn't I? We saved your lives. We have brought you back from the dead. You have to be thankful, Krishnan, to us!”

"Ah! Death is better sometimes."

"Then should I consider you are not with us?”

Krishnan leaned back in the chair. He closed his eyes and as if lost in a deep sleep.

"What is your choice, Pal?" first time, the man sitting in front addressed me.

I frowned. A mist had crowded in my eyes and I could barely listen to my own voice.

"I have nothing to do with your intentions. I don’t know why on earth you the people pollute the societies and expect them to be content with the dirty games you people secretly play. I can't understand this all. I am not that wise, not have I that wits. I used to be a happy man and dreamed that one day I will own as many trawlers as I can and rule the vast sea and father as many children as I can and one day being a proud father and after leading a contentious life, should I die. At funeral people should throng and weep for my kindness and what a great man I was.

"But, everything has changed. Was it a destiny that wrote for me these hellish verses? To undergo these pains? To lose all I had and become a runway criminal hunted by all? No. It does not matter to me now, whether your schemes are dirty or wise. It no more matters to me now whether I am a dead or alive. I have nothing now to weep over. I have no society. No peaceful life will ever be awaiting me!

"And why should I bother about this strange world, where people go on living on eating their own flesh? Everything is dirty. All is bad. All is a curse. Everything what I see is a scum, a filth. It's nauseating.

I don't know whether ever a lamp of peace was kindled within you are not. You look at us as a machine, to use against your enemies. You may have reason as to why you want to kill Prabhakaran.

"But I have only ambition left now that to avenge my destruction. And I will. I solemnly accept your proposal."

Now outburst of my feelings was ebbed away. Tired, exhausted, I sat back.

Krishnan was looking at me with kind glare.

Krishnan stood up. Turned his back at us and walked away, shoving hands in pockets, then after ages like moments passed, he turned. His eyes were blazing in rage. But his words were steady and as calm as the sea in winters.

"I know for sure this is another dirty game of the scoundrels. But I agree. I have every reason to kill Prabhakaran and I will. I will avenge death of Janaki. With your help and assistance, I will grab him and shoot millions of bullets in his dirty head.

"Now, should we discuss the details?”

“Good!” Nodded that mysterious man and shuffled the heap of papers laid before him.

I, as if, a heavenly bliss had enveloped me, and in that peaceful moment, closed my eyes and killed thousandth times that unseen being with my kicks and punches.









CHAPTER



Krishnan glared at me in anticipation

“Are you really ready Venu?”

“Yes.” I said in a firm vice. All confusion was cleared out like a fog. I had no aim left but kill that bastard, hidden in the secret bunkers at Jaffna.

“Don’t you feel it strange?”

“Strange? I think so…” I gasped.

He gave a faint smile.

“It happens in life.... Once or often.” He slowly stretched his hands and closed his eyes, as if he was lost in the mist of memories... obviously unpleasant one. I kept on awaiting him to speak, as I too needed desperately a philosophy to substantiate my changing, which so far I had failed to inspire.



‘ Venu ‘ he mused. I looked at him sharply. A strange wave of feelings was ebbing away over his face. “Don’t you hate me?” He asked. I was as if a crest fallen. I never had prepared myself to answer this question though, I knew, I hated him. And yet, I never could understand, why on the earth, I was not deserting him.



But, this was a question – I’d to answer.

I thought.... what should my answer be?

“Krishnan...” A hoarse voice trickled out of my throat, “ true... I hate you.”

“Why?” He asked in a saintly voice.

“And that’s you who ask me... why?”, volcano erupted, “that’s you, who have destroyed my life.”



Krishnan sat upright glaring at me in a strange way I never could understand.



“Yes. You must hate me. Good that you admit and it gives me a console. I don’t expect you to still love me after all these disastrous happenings.” He tried to even his voice as he spoke, quiver – as he was. “But what has happened can not be altered in any way. Life is cruel. It goes on punishing innocent souls. Who can argue with the destiny? I tried and have failed. Yet life is a mysterious game. Yes. It is so, my friend. Life is full of mysteries! And, not only pains that have befallen on us but these mysteries. And I am worried for them though!

“Let us not fight for the past. Past is always irreparable. It would be unwise of you to repent over the past. Isn’t it that stated in sacred Geeta? Yes. It was unfortunate that LTTE chose you to escort me to Sri Lanka. It has turned in to a nightmare for you. The course of future events was inevitable in any circumstances. It was me, who was responsible for Shivrasan’s escape from Sri Perambudur to Bangalore. I was the only man who knew whereabouts of Shivrasan. And yet he was found. Someone has been dangerously treacherous and the crime has been stamped upon me. Well, it serves right to the bastards. But yet I’m immensely curios to know, after all who did it and why? What gain there would be in capture of Shivrasan to his own mentors?”

For few moments, Krishnan lost in deep silence.

“Why are you interested now? Aren’t you too now a runaway militant?” I said in a cold range. “What enrages me is brutal killing of my Janaki. And I hate you because, if you weren’t in that trawler of mine, someone else, I would have kicked ass of that bastard even if he were to face shower of bullets. It was you and that’s why I could not do that. I gained your life in barter of my dear’s wife’s life. Not good barter, though!”

“Had you thought ever what I would have done if you weren’t the sailor? If it was not you and any other fisherman?”



I glanced sharply at him, quizzically.

“I would have shot him dead instead and would have turned helm towards India again, without remorse, off course!”

A chill ran through my ribs at his cold-blooded sentence. His face was as hard as granite.

“But it was you and for you I decided against my will to climb down the board to face inevitable death! Nothing was planned my friend that it would be you to sail me out. It was co-incidence ... a fatal coincidence! That have brought misfortune upon you.”

I had to believe his every word. Because he was honest... sincere.

“And we’re going to avenge – “ I said in an outburst of emotions.



“No emotions my friend, At least... not now! We have entered a maze of mystery. Let me finish my reasoning. I need to think deeply now, as we are only allies in the entire world and only we have to fight out their ugly schemes. So many things are startling. Many things are obscure and there are more things are in the heinous dark. Even if we are meant to die, we must know what caused such disaster to shatter down our lives. We must know who it was who leaked the whereabouts of Shivrasan and why. We must know why one after another from Gandhi family is destined to die accidentally. We must know why CIA is so interested in killing of Prabhakaran, who has constantly supported LTTE with all the possible means so far. Also, a curious thing occurs to me that why on earth CIA thinks, we both can kill Shivrasan, when CIA is a highly notorious gang on earth which can kill any person in highest echelons, without stirring any doubt.”

The questions raised by Krishnan pushed me in a rowdy world of utter confusion. I could not understand the importance of knowing all these things what matters to the common man like me of why the things go on happening and what ulterior motives are behind them? Does it change our live? Does it soothe our pains and sufferings? Or really they are the real culprits who take our day to day life away and our dreams? What kind of world is this we live in? Why Shivrasan, a bright. Brilliant brain ends his life with a single pill of cyanide? Why on earth the fanatics get followers to end their lives in the abyss of holocausts? Why all the time there is trouble and violence over the lovely planet we live on? Why after all we can not live peacefully and enjoy the fruits of life? What is that, that leads us to the thirst for blood and power?”

The questions whirling in my mind had to dash against a cliff to shatter down in oblivion.

Krishnan was watching me intently.

“The world is different!” He muttered.

“Yes it is different. I never could think or even imagine of it in the wildest of dreams.”

He leaned back in the chair. Closed his eyes and again said-

“Look. I don’t know whether ever in our life we could get answers to the questions, I just have raised. But I am curious, I always have been and what use of that life which is not curious? This is a second life we have got. We could have been killed in that fatal accident. But we are alive and well. Few unknown people have saved us, not for the kindest of purpose but to use us to achieve their ulterior motives. I am not even sure the man we contracted this morning belongs to CIA. We even do not know his name. Why he did not give even a false name? I wonder! I am also baffled to even imagine CIA can built this huge outfit, through amidst woods without stirring any curiosity in government and employees such a qualified staff! Everything is baffling me. It is unheard of. Unimaginable. But yet, we are in the custody of unknown hands. They have revived our life. They have decided to provide us with every mean to kill Prabhakaran. Why that kind of faith in us? Why yet they are so anonymous to us?

“I am curious to know. Yes I am. Though our life is in their hands. Though it is true that they could have killed us so easily. I am curious. Because there are few other very obvious reasons I am imagining about!

“And what, most importantly, what happened after our firing in the streets and killing a man in the streets of Madras? How it is that our missing is not being searched? The police witnessed the public witnessed and how then these people could have managed to rescue us from the spot of accident and without knowledge of any authority? Not this was an obscure incident; not to call attention of the rapid action forces well deployed in Madras. And yet, in broad day light after that accident, we were removed unconscious to another vehicle and transported to this venue, unnoticed. Is it possible?”

Yes. Krishnan had the point. How it could be possible? There must be lot of confusion in police and public and media. They cannot remain silent over all these incidents when they had a corpse laid down on the streets and a fatal accident where the injured or dead bodies were expected. There must have been a chaos. A massive man hunt for assassins who killed a reputed banker in the street and survived an accident and were transported by unknown people to some unknown destination.

“But the man today we met with seems unperturbed over these possible repercussion or have they managed even all these things? We don’t know. But I have a doubt, many people in Government are on pay roll of LTTE, many are just supporters to the cause, though no one can prove it officially. Is it the same case with the people we are with today?” He sighed “And main question is are really they CIA? I am not sure and again we haven’t any proof.”

There was a troubled silence in the room for moments. I was in whirlwind of confused emotions. I was trying to get along with Krishnan. But complications and intrigue was so intense, I could reach nowhere.



“This man-“ muttered Krishnan in deep bass voice, “unknown to us, seemed well in self control. He was certain we would agree. We have agreed because we have no choice. These all are borrowed breaths we are breathing. But why he was so sure we could assist them in assassination of Prabhakaran? Prabhakaran is unreachable to anybody even for those who are in his close circle. Assassins are hunting us from LTTE. How did this mysterious man thought that we could possibly reach Prabhakaran, crossing all these fatal hurdles, and kill him and return alive happily ever after? Isn't this thinking is irrational and foolish?

"But yet this man from CIA confides in us that why CIA is willing to eliminate Prabhakaran. And then why they cannot undertake this operation on their own, when they have all the means available at their disposal by mighty government of United States? Why they risked saving our lives under extra-ordinary dangerous circumstances? Why?

"Have you got any possible answer to this why? I've kept on thinking and yet have reached nowhere? This all is intriguing me. I am confused. And yet I know for sure I must know why all this has happened to us!"

He leaned forward in order to emphasize urgency to know answers to the questions he had raised. Actually, I was looking at him in great anticipation.



"Yes. There are questions and questions only and how desperately I need answers to these questions!" He exclaimed in frustration."

"But Krishnan, Isn't it enough for us that we are alive and have got a chance to avenge? Why should we bother whether they are CIA or something else? Why should we think why they have saved our life? Shouldn’t we instead be grateful to these unknown saviors of us? Why should we think how the scheming minds are working from behind? We need not any answer to the questions you have raised. I know you are curious and are in quest to find them. But is it the purpose we have now to jump in another maze when we already in one? For me my friend it is enough that we are alive and are to be supported with the means. Now life is so meaningless as we know not why the past was as it were and so blind we are about the future. Lets try destiny again with the only hope that we can avenge the brutal minds that have caused irreparable damage to our life. In my opinion, let us not think we know not about. Let us plan how we can use the means being provided to succeed in our mission.”

Krishnan sighed and said, “ my friend, true that now there is no meaning to raise foolish questions. But I am intrigued. Life and death no more matters to me as I have experienced the death and now I wish to know why after all everything is happening with us that is not supposed to happen. Without knowing how and why, will death be bliss? How easy my friend it is to live without knowing anything…but does the life is a true life then? May it happen that we never get the answers and fell in an eternal sleep with fragments of shattered soul. But why we can’t give a try? Why?”

Krishnan had a point that I too could understand. Yes…there was no harm to think and decipher the code of destiny, as long we were alive.

“ Then, what do you think we shall do?”

“ The time is in our favor. We have enough time, at least as long these people deport us to the lands of Sri Lanka. From then, in my opinion we will be on our own and hardly we may find time to deliberate over the questions stirring in our minds today but to fight and gain more breaths as long we live. I have to make plans to outsmart them, as I know how they have built their secret fortes. I need thinking.”

I knew he needed thinking where I lacked, as I knew nothing. Only a dream now I knew and it was to reach somehow all those bastards who had caused calamity.

I let Krishnan to be lost in a maze of his thinking and leaned back and closed eyes and dreamed how beautiful life was it with my dearest wife.









The next few days were busy for us. We were brought in open first time to have a little exercise, to regain the strength we had lost. Our wounds were healed and no pain. The thick coconut plantation had surrounded the building. We could see not much activity around. The drizzle would please us. The rainy season had begun. We could smell sacred incense of wet soil and would make us feel the life rushing through our veins. The diet would be heavy and nutritious. Then would begin lecture of that unknown man with maps and notebooks.

Krishnan knew most of the area. He knew where LTTE secret posts were stationed. This information would please that man. There would be argument with the moves that were expected by us to make when in Jaffna region. He suggested us to practice some weapons that would be granted us when we land. The evening would be with the practice. Some gunmen would cover us from all the possible directions ready to kill us if we play smart. We practiced the latest guns with eagerness. We knew these would be our saviors of future.

The unknown man was satisfied with our progress. He continuously kept on harping how important it was that we do not give up. “ The courage…that only is going to assist you when you are on your own…”

We solemnly agreed. Courage was the only lifeline left to us and how we could ever lose it?

“ Now I think we are ready. Tomorrow you shall begin your journey.”

“ You yet haven’t updated us with the latest developments that are taking in India as well in Sri Lanka.” Said Krishnan in annoyed voice.

The man laughed and said,

“ As I told, there is nothing special development that you should know of. SIT is still in search of other suspects and I think that at least 18 people have been arrested so far. Some have preferred to die before the police could place their hands upon them. There is utter silence in the camps of LTTE. That’s all if you like to know.”

Krishnan listened to him but not believing he had all the news he wanted to have.

But he did not pester that man and let it go.







The day dawned with mixed feelings. We had nothing of our own to pack. The clothes they had given were loaded in a haversack. We were ready to face another unknown universe of events. We knew not what destiny had written for us in nearest future. However I was determined I shall avenge the people who had destroyed our lives.

That morning I prayed Lord Ranganatha in deep devotion. While chanting prayers my throat choked. I assured myself and to Lord, if at all I come back alive and safe shall visit his temple and would offer my devotion and shall serve him for life. I knew not whether the Lord was hearing me. But my eyes were crying.



“ Are you ready?”

There was a question and I said in choked voice, “ Yes…”







We were being driven in a Jeep, accompanied by three Gunmen who scarcely did speak. The road was muddy and as drizzle began made our drive nastier. The trees canopied throughout the road. I hardly saw a living soul around except birds and some scarce animals. I wanted to think and no thought dawned, as if dumbness had possessed me. Slowly a calm swallowed me and I slept in a filthy sleep.



I know not how long we drove. Somewhere between the travel, the men accompanying us wrapped a blindfold around our eyes, blinding me.

But blindfold made me wide-awake as uneasiness engulfed my heart. I tried to listen to the noise outside. I could listen to muted buzz outside. I was now curious to know which direction we were proceeding. I knew the coast of Tamilnadu very well. We must be somewhere near coast, I thought. The premises we were locked in must be then in close miles from coast…what area this would be?

I thought and thought but nothing did come to me. The forests were scarce in Tamilnadu except on the border of Karnataka. But all right this will help us when it is a necessity. The thoughts kept me busy and travel and blinding did not bother much then.





Then all of sudden I heard explosion in the sky and then a thud of rain shower. I heard the man sitting besides me cursing and then shouting some orders at driver. It was hot and moist and yet pleasant to listen to the sounds of rains. The windows were closed. I longed for the touch of rains…why they can not open the window and let us feel the velvety touch of the heavenly shower?

But windows remained closed. AC kept on swearing humid notes. What a cursed journey it was!





How much time did we have to travel? What time it was? Now I had lost sense of time. Was it an afternoon or evening? How long we had to travel?

There was no meaning to pester our companions who spoke nothing to us. I knew the guns were pointed at us in case we play smart and cause trouble.



I longed for the rains. I remembered how pleasant it used to be when on the sea under celestial shower, experiencing poetic feelings that could never be expressed in words and that dancing with the sailors on board. Do you know Janaki would like to accompany me on the sail when it rained? I knew it could be dangerous to sail too far from the shores, and yet it would be a great feast.



The rain played its mysterious tunes. Why one does not get dissolved in the moods of nature? Why after all one needs power and wealth and blood shed…? Why? My heart rented in deep agonies I hardly could understand. Those agonies just made me weep under a sacred shadow. Why this world was breathing under the rule of ugly men who always cheated on everyone they came across?

I wished I could get out of this misery…and let out a thunderous sigh that could frighten the souls of scheming people. But I was in another misery. Experiencing a nightmare I longed to end.

I remembered Janaki. I remembered passionate moments and her sacred existence. I remembered my days in college with Krishnan filled with subtle fighting and passionate arguments. I remembered everything and now it appeared to me a lost dream…

I cursed myself.

I cursed Krishnan

And I cursed Varadrajan…Thyagrajan and my father…

And the system I was part of.





How much time was lapsed? I did not know. I badly wanted to speak to Krishnan. I tried. But he did not respond to my questions. Then when my voice grew up the man sitting besides me shouted at me to shut up.

So I uneasily changed my position and tried to think.

And no thought appeared.













CHAPTER









THE Jeep took sudden turns driving downwards through the rage of the sky. Through the blindfold I sensed it was night darkened by the cloudy sky and rains. We were near sea as I could smell the known fragrance of the wilderness. I could hear to the rushing waves in destructive mood. It pleased me.

It was a great chance, a thought flashed in my mind. We could easily dodge these men in this darkness and wilderness of rains. We had done it before. Our strength was now back. We could run away and find our own way of revenge. We need not to be on the mercy of these people whose motives were still unknown.

Blood began rushing through my veins. It was a chance, certainly a great chance! I did not know whether we were to get any success in our avenging mission. Uncertainty loomed large over me. There now seemed no sense in vengeance. LTTE was a mighty gang, hard to defeat with two man army. Their forts were well secured and safe. They had all the possible means to protect whether we had none. We were lost in a maze of misery, not they. They could be ruthless and would be happy to punish us with gruesome death. The initial rage was ebbing away with the approaching footsteps of sea. It was not so easy to avenge…avenge meant violence…and could it bring back my life I lost in the past? Could the killing of Prabhakaran revive my dear Janaki from dead? And was I sure whether we ever could reach him?

No.

Better way was get out of this situation, find a safe haven and let those bastards rot in their self created hell.

We must not lead ourselves in another misery for we had enough already.

I want to rush away…

I must save Krishnan from his disastrous motives…

I touched him in eagerness, trying to tell him through my touch. The Jeep was descending the curves. The roaring noise of savage sea was nearing. Krishnan too responded me…but negative. A surge of anger erupted within me. The jeep now had come to halt through the wet sands. There were rush instructions being passed and argued. The tension was towering.

Suddenly my blindfold was snatched abruptly. I had to take some time to adjust my sight and still there was darkness engulfing me punctured by torch flashes. An encouragement this was to my secret plans to dodge our escorts and take a run. Rains were crashing in as if to destroy whole universe. The gunmen were confused as to what they should do under the circumstances. Still they tried to keep us on the point blank.

“ Krishnan…lets get out…please…” I whispered as loudly as possible.

“ No…don’t be fool. Just hold on…”

I thought Krishnan has lost his senses and reasoning.

“ Alright…I am going…” I said in frustration.

“ Stop…O fool…” he roared in my ears. I hated him for this, his impudence, never like this before. And yet I did nothing though I knew I just had to kick door open, kick the gunman standing under heavy rain real hard and make a dive. I knew no bullet could hit me in the dark surrounding and I could walk away safely as soon I reach safe distance.

Opportunity was looming above. I wanted to go for it. And yet I could not. I still know not what poison Krishnan had filled in his voice.







“ Come down…” was the order I spat at. I reluctantly stepped down. The shower drenched me in seconds. There was a horrifying thunder in the sky and then series of lightening went on illuminating the vicinity for seconds. I could see a launch dancing viciously on the savage waves some distance away from the shore. I knew it would be suicidal to wade through enraged waters to the launch and slip in the wilderness of nature. This launch could not withstand the row between Sri Lanka and India. I was damn sure.

“ Krishnan….” I wailed.

“ Keep on walking…. Follow them…. It just is hundred steps ahead I see…”

A mist was gathering around me…suffocating me. Through the sands and dunes I faltered my way through behind the guides that tried to show way with weak torches. How easy it was to run away…



I cursed Krishnan…I swore hundreds of abuses at him and yet I kept my pace carefully behind the guide.







We approached the crashing waves, making the deafening sound with all the threats they could swear and go back hissing frustration to come back again with new might. The shore remained untamed. The crashing waves fell on us with deadly might so much so that we had to fight to keep balance. The wind was jealous to the hurdles that nature and mankind had put in its way and had determined to smash them down. The man following us, yelled,

“ Let’s give signal…I know they have seen us…. Signal them to get ready…”

Another man yelled something else.

And then the man guiding our path approached us, and shouted,

“ You have to walk through these waters. Keep heart. It is shallow…I assure you. They will send down ladder for you men to step above.”

“ We won’t. I can’t swim. The water is wild. If we lose our life you too shall lose your life. Your boss won’t like this.”

Krishnan yelled back.

It took some time for that man to understand what Krishnan said. He was furious and knew he had to get done with the job assigned to him somehow. He did not know what to do. Probably he didn’t expect such savage attack from nature. He rushed away and conferred with his fellows and then blinked torch in successive flickering at the launch and then came back to us.

“ There would be a rope. We shall hold other end of rope from this side and what you have to do is just to have a tight grip over it and advance. Water is shallow, trust us. No need to get panicked. They are waiting on us through this wilderness for ling time. Its traffic…worst we had today…”

Krishnan said nothing.

I went on observing the frantic activities on the shore.

The thunders were in abrupt intervals. The lightning would show me the hurried movement over the launch. Then two men ran across to get hold of the thin rope being thrown by a sailor from the board. Meanwhile another man kept us under gunpoint, such a mockery it was. End of the coiling in rope, somehow was now in grip of one escort, so joyous he was he roared an obscene. Then he rushed at us, asked us to get going through thunderous waters.

“ Still we have a chance…Krishnan…be awake…this journey is not going to leads us anywhere…”

“ Keep on walking…” Roared Krishnan through the threatening winds.

Gripping the rope that could take me safely to the launch I entered the fierce waters, trying hard to keep my balance and not lose grip over the rope, waded the brief moments of death to the life.

Krishnan followed me. He was determined to take this journey. He was determined to undertake something I hardly could fathom. But yes…he was determined and had forced me to be with him. Was it true that he had utter curiosity left over the magic of life? Didn’t he know only death could satisfy his final wishes, where all quests end up in utter dismay?

And yet he walked firm and erect, his stride careful and alarmed. He looked at me overboard and gave a weak smile. I yelled at his assistance. He nodded negative and climbed the rope ladder in his firm pace.





As soon he was overboard I embraced him in my firm grip. A tear ditched me and rolled down. Yes…my friend was in my grip, in my universe!





There was a frantic activity over deck. The lights were switched off; darkness swallowed us to add to my confusion. We could listen to the footsteps, their yelling, and roar of orders and then we were being shoved with a wild jerk. I understood now we were to be locked and Launch would begin moving through the wilderness soon. I could never have dared to sail under such weather. Were we to make the journey after all or before we could even reach the coast had to get drowned?

I did not know nor I wished to know.



It was a small room downstairs, cluttered with used implements, bundles of ropes etc. that one can find almost on every fisherman’s boat. The room was damp and heaving up and down with the force of waves.

“ You two will be locked here through out the journey. Food will be served right here. Only one man at a time will be allowed to breathe fresh air in morning times. Meanwhile make yourself comfortable. Food will be served as soon we move.” Our escort said in tired voice. I watched him bemused, as he looked a simple fisherman throwing hollow orders at us as instructed by his chieftain.

We nodded. The mention of food infuriated hunger. Since morning we hadn’t ate anything. That man left hurriedly closing doors behind him.



After a while there was a heavy jerk as boat moved forward. Somehow we managed to maintain our balance, cursing the abrupt start. I glanced around to find folded beds and Can of the water. I leaned back on wooden plank and spread strained legs.

“ What would have happened to my Trawler?” I asked, just to relieve myself from the terror of nature I had witnessed, few moments ago.

Krishnan looked at me in utter surprise, “ What Trawler?” Then he remembered of the trawler we had left at deserted shore…in a cove. “ Ah! Your Trawler! Yes now I remember. It appears as if it happened ages ago. That would be safe…no one seems to go there and even if someone happens to stumble there by accident what would he think? Sailors must be out there somewhere that’s what he would think. We have buried large money over there. I hope we come back someday safe and use that money…what would you like to do with the money Venu?”

Was he mocking at me?

“ That money…hell…I won’t touch it again.”

“ Life is far mysterious Venu. People do unusual things…against their will…against their values under unusual circumstances.”

“ What you would do?” I asked in annoyed voice. Krishnan’s eyes twinkled. He smiled and said,

“ I don’t know…but life can be restarted. It is large amount. What if someone accidentally finds it…say he is just digging to bury some corpse and lands on that bag? He would be hysteric…no?” and then he laughed. “ Even he might die with heart attack…”

I tried to laugh but could not. I wanted to forget that part.

“ Do you think these people really are CIA?” I asked in perturbed voice.

“ I don’t know for sure.” Krishnan replied honestly. “ But now why to bother? Let us somehow find Prabhakaran…let us plan meticulously. The monsoon is in our favor. The movements in jungles of Jaffna by now must have been slowed down. They need shelter and they will have it. They rule most of the part and would be fearless. They should have assumed us dead, which also is at our benefit. I know the region…I know their command stations… but let me think. Still I have no plans, Tambi. I badly need thinking.”

I didn’t pester him further. I too was tired and felt hungry. And now I had no questions.



Food was served after a while. The thud of engine was consistent and so the muffled sounds of rains on backdrop. We ate like hungry wolves and when finished, shoving plate’s aside spread the bed and sprawled and slept like dead wood.



It was a great sleep. No dreams…no nightmares and no vicious haunting memories.



In the morning…or whether it was morning? It was hard to know as no outside light penetrated down. But then there was a heavy rap on the door and a call.



It was a pleasant morning. Rage of the sky had calmed down. Slight drizzle made monsoon adorable. The sky was still dark and I could see glow of the morning sun behind veil of clouds on eastern horizon. The wind blew like a mischievous child. I strolled under drizzle on deck to relieve my body from the strain. Then I leaned over rail and looked at the dancing gray waves. I was lost in the mesmerizing view of ocean.





The journey afterwards was event less. I smelled coast approaching on the end of the day. “ Its time Krishnan…”

I was worried. Henceforth we shall be on our own. No outside support would be there to make our advance towards the suicide.

We were brought upstairs. I saw at the dense forest through the thick curtain of maddening rains. Krishnan was calm as usual. He hardly had spoken to me during this journey. I knew he needed thinking and I let him do his job.

“ Give us our luggage…” Krishnan said to the man who appeared as a leader.

“ Not now.” He said. “ Let the launch settle as near as possible from shore. You men go ahead and wait ashore. Luggage shall be following.”

“ We want to know what they has given…we may need few things more…”

“ I can’t help you Tambi…orders…” and he laughed. “ But take care…succeed in your mission whatever the hell it is!”

Krishnan said nothing. He glanced at the shore and advance of launch fighting through wild waves. It took about an hour before they anchored.

“ Now…bye friends…,” said the leader, patted on our shoulders. We moved forward…in open to get drenched in seconds. I climbed down the ladder. Water was shallow…chest deep. The waves made my movement even faster…they kept me pushing ahead with its force. I rode a wave and made the shore. Sat on a rock gasping for air.

Krishnan followed me. Sat besides me. Then I saw a man carrying two sacks wading through the waters. He reached us, threw sacks ashore and jumped back in hurry.

We, now weren’t in rush to get hold of the sacks. Whatever was loaded in them would be alright, I thought.

Evening had cast its mysterious shadows under cloudy sky. The rushing water streams from woods met their ultimate goal in the vicinity with eagerness.

Then Krishna got up and picked the luggage. It appeared heavy. I too got up to assist him. Those were haversacks bulging with loaded inventory. Krishnan unzipped one sack…slid hand inside and felt the material.

“ Rain is against us too, Tambi…we cant afford to have material get drenched. I think there are guns, cartridges, cloths and some food…maps too. We must find some place where we can halt for night. I know not exactly where we have landed and how far is nearest village. Rain has blocked our vision and night is approaching. Now we just can take general direction and try to find some shelter to organize ourselves in proper. The guns are dissembled and it would take some time to make them worth a while. Lets start…now…”

With this he shoved one sack at me. I took it on back, tied strips around the shoulders and was ready to move.





Through shrubs, puddles of waters and thick woods we advanced our march from unknown to unknown. It was a difficult, tiresome and painful walk. We hardly could see beyond ten feet long. The outrageous water flows proved an obstacle. The rains had damaged the vegetation around. We could see some trees uprooted and sprawled across giving a frightful sight of wrath of the nature. We hardly could sense any inhibition nearby, which may be the reason why they deported us here. They could not afford to approach populated shores.

The darkness now was enveloping us. We stopped cursing the situation we were in.

“ The torch!” exclaimed Krishnan and pulled down his sack. Made small space to allow his hand in. He fumbled and a torch alighted up giving sense of comfort. He switched it on. It was powerful. “Yes…now it won’t be that difficult…,” said he hopefully.

I nodded. There must be another torch in my sack…I thought…but preferred to use single at this time and save other if we were out of battery.

Our walk continued.





We sensed we were climbing up…it was an upward ascend. Uprooted shrubs and thin coconut plantation and rushing waters downwards were altogether a different experience.

“ We are climbing a hill…should we go ahead or change direction?”

“ Hill is better…we may see lights somewhere from top.”

My breathing went heavy as we walked through the mud and shrubs. But urge to find some shelter forced me to step ahead through the devastating nature.

The ascend was not as sharp as I had conceived, but it took long time before we could step in on a tableland. From there only woods I could see around. Then Krishnan stopped abruptly, threw beam around in general direction. I do not know what he found. But he took another direction and asked me to follow.

Suddenly a lightening flashed and I saw a vague structure eastward where we were proceeding.

“ It must be a abandoned Buddha shrine.” Said he.

“ How did you find?”

“ Oh! Just luck is in our favor, that’s all. I saw a vanishing pathway and thought there must be some old rout leading to some religious place. Now hurry up…”





In half an hour we were inside the shrine, on verge of collapse. The stones were lose and ready to fall. We entered the main hall…Krishnan threw light in all directions. Bats fluttered wings, shrilled and settled as soon light went off them. A huge statue of Lord Buddha, though disfigured due to the sands of time and negligence, was a peaceful and blessing view. Unknowingly I prayed him, bowed and sought his blessings.

“ We shall be safer here. At least for a night. Floor is dirty but lets not worry. We need rest…but first let us lit some fire here. Can you go out and bring some wood? There are plenty dry wood stacks beside the main door. It must be there from ages. Go get it!”

I fumbled for my torch, got it, put aside the sack and throwing light ahead I walked towards the main door.

It was a frightful sight in dark. The ghosts from history, I thought might alight and haunt me for walking up over their privacy. This is temple…no ghosts can ever enter a temple… I tried to reassure myself. Krishnan was left far behind to help me. I approached the main door; the thunder in sky went prominent. Outside I could see scattered statues, lose stones that bear some carvings and the falling walls that surrounded the main structure. There was a projection near the door where a stack of worn wood was piled up. I went near. The worms and insects had hollowed the wood that now looked damp due to the rains. I was afraid to touch the disarranged pile. What if a snake shows up? I was afraid of snakes. But I knew I had no choice. First, holding the torch in left hand in firm grip, I picked up a stick and jerked the pile, which with light noise tumbled down. No…nothing heinous was hidden inside. Satisfied I selected comparatively dry wood, piled it up as much I could take. Holding it in arm I hurried back.





Krishnan was close to the statue. It was a platform where he sat keeping light on.

I arranged the pyre. Krishnan had opened his sack and emptied it one by one. The sight of gun was assuring me that we had something to fight. There was a Stengun and a revolver. Besides couple of cloths, a pair of binoculars, maps and heap of cartridges and most importantly packs of food…





Wood took little time to catch fire. Initial smoke drifted away and now we could see of the shrine.

“ Must be thousand years old." Said Krishnan; “ there are plenty in this country you will fail to count. Buddhism is widely popular. They go on building new shrines every year and tend to neglect old ones, difficult to approach or far away from the populace are then destined to ruin. There are many in jungles that we used to come across when on run or mission. Except shepherds no one turns up at such places now a days.”

I was watching the huge inside of the shrine with tired curiosity. There were distorted paintings on the walls. The floor was stony and even. I remembered the huge temple of Lord Ranganatha at Trichi. I was dumbfounded when I had been there.

“ Buddhism is a religion that preaches non-violence and yet Sinhalies have been oppressing Tamils for centuries. The violence they have caused could never be forgotten and this is a very reason why Tamils had to unify and fight back the injustice. Sinhalies never wished peace amongst their fellow citizens; they kept on infuriating the issue instead. You know in a way Tamil is a humble society. They prefer peace. It is difficult to infuriate a Tamil in ordinary course of life. He will prefer reasoning. He will suffer negligence. He will worship Gods and his heroes with equal zeal. He loves art. He loves the knowledge and hardworking. Tamils have crossed Indian boundaries centuries ago and established themselves in many Asia Pacific countries. No one has heard ever him causing any harm to local order. He cherishes his destiny and explores new avenues for the future of his family members. Tamils are most religious…more than the north Indians. They like to preserve culture and religion. No modern thinking can humble his ancient traits. He will adapt very fast the changing technologies and yet in heart he will remain orthodox Hindu.

“ Then why he is so outrageous over here? Why he is supporting militants and becoming militant? The Sinhalies have caused damage to his very existence in most impertinent manner for nothing in the recent past. The chaos and civil war is a sort of fruit to their evil politics. They went on oppressing Tamil's with ulterior motives for they feared what if tomorrow Tamil's rule them! They thought, after freedom they were the only people destined to rule the country. They denied equal rights…right to get service in government establishments…right to preserve their culture…

“ Venu, we too are Tamil. I am not fanatic about anything. I am not racist. I know we Tamils sometimes get carried away with feelings. We support false idols only because they are heroes in movies. We too have some ugly traits that we are not ready to reckon. We tend to support our leaders with no reasoning when we know that they are looting us and causing damage to our faiths. We are too sentimental people. Our sentiments hardly can be justified many a times and yet people for years go on suffering and praising their idols.

“ Venu, but this does not mean that anyone should suffer only because he belongs to some race. Castism is evil in our country…and so around the world, but it hardly asked for violent reaction for years. Sinhalies have asked for it and they are getting it.”

Krishnan was speaking as if in trance. What he was trying to tell me? I hardly could understand. Why he was now advocating Tamil’s fight? Why he was praising the enemy? I looked at him in confusion.

“ Krishnan, Tamils moved in Sri Lanka centuries ago. Alright they had to suffer for they were in minority and the new circumstances after freedom were competitors to the aspirations of the natives. But couldn’t they fight back with the means adapted by Mahatma Gandhi? But today we are forgetting our past. We are forgetting our traits…”I said in vehemence.

Krishnan gave a weak smile and asked,

“ Then why should we not fight injustice they did to us with non-violence? Why not throw away these weapons and start a hunger strike? Don’t be in a fool’s paradise Venu. The means of fight depends on the culture of enemy. We here are to fight a worst culture that demands the blood for blood. I am not justifying Prabhakaran my dear friend. I just am telling you that why Tamils had to undergo this vicious civil war.

“ But motives keeps on changing when initial euphoria is over. Same thing has happened with LTTE. Initial goal, they know now is far away to achieve and also they now know after such violent reaction to the injustice, there can not be an eternal peace with natives. The wounds would never heal even though demands of LTTE are agreed upon and executed to its fullest satisfaction. Enmity will be now everlasting.

“ Prabhakaran knows this very well for he never lives in fools paradise. Now he just is pulling ahead with some different goals to satiate his hunger through his organization. He is a treacherous man, treacherous to tamil’s and to rest of the world. First he had help from India, Chinese and then British and now from CIA. USA needs trouble everywhere, you know it. Its existence will come to an end if there is no trouble all over the globe. They need to cause the trouble if it doesn’t exist. They are resourceful and immensely rich. They need madmen like Prabhakaran to help them in their ugly mission. They know he is god for the Tamils in Sri Lanka and for many in Tamilnadu. They also know Indian government helped him initially and when they found they were mistaken about this man they backed up. Prabhakaran always had been furious and he used to call it a treachery. He never forgave Rajiv Gandhi for sending Indian army against him in Jaffna even after his pleadings.

“ But he never wished to taint LTTE with Rajiv Gandhi's blood. He knew it would be disastrous utter setback to his plans and to his position, as his supporters in India would be then backing out for political reasons. The possibility Indian government might undertake sever mission to punish him for his impudence. It would be crazy to assassinate Mr. Gandhi when he was not even a premier and opinion polls showed he was about to lose majority in ongoing elections. Even then the execution was planned and executed. It all baffles me. It baffled me even then when I was asked to accomplish certain duties post execution. It shocks me why Shivrasan’s hideout was leaked. There are many unanswered questions I am curious to find answers to.

“ Venu, CIA, I suspect has played major role in this assassination. They had all the possible motives. They plan for next hundred years. They silently go on sowing poison that yields fortune for them. They wish their supremacy lasts forever. Now, I am sure by now Indian investigation officers must have reached to a conclusion about the motive of this assassination. There must be many people knowing this in central government well in advance. But they didn’t try to stop Rajiv Gandhi from coming to Sri Perambur or make enough arrangements to protect him from any possible attack.

“ You know how easy it is to bribe Indian citizens and so the leaders. We too have done it before. We too have our lobby of supporters in New Delhi. We pay handsomely well to those. They are MP’s, astrologers, Guru’s and Mahant’s and journalists. They support our actions and oppose every move that Central Government decides to take against us.

“ You know. Rajiv Gandhi was forced to call back Indian Peace Keeping Forces only because we had mounted tremendous pressure over Indian polity…through media…through so called think tanks and MP’s those were our supporters.

“ And all this support is bought. These crazy bastards never work on sentiments.

“ That which is possible to us is within easiest reach of CIA. Indian investigation team must find this some or other day. They will or they already have, but what they can do? What they can prove? Their hands too are tied. In my opinion they will declare Prabhakaran main suspect and file case against those they might arrest and against those who already are dead.

“ This is all is going to happen. No real culprit they ever would prosecute.”





After a haunting silence I said,

“ Krishnan, all these events have dumbfounded me, as a matter of fact. I am not as knowledgeable as you are. May be that CIA is behind this conspiracy. May be real culprits never would be known to us. They never will be brought before justice. They will laugh at our stupidity and weakness. May be those who were pawns that got involved in conspiracy would be punished and hanged. People would forgive them and will forget soon that their leader had been assassinated with ulterior motives and not just for avenging his acts against LTTE. People are cold blooded here in our country. No hue and cry would be there. By now I am sure people not giving heed to the news appearing. They must get busy to support their families and the future of their kids.

“ Now I begin to understand all that appears on surface hardly is truth. The event makers remain behind the closed rooms and laugh at the amount of effect they cause.

“ But my friend, world can not be governed forever by such malicious people. World needs a breath in sacred air. The filth must be wiped away. We are here not only to avenge our disaster…but the villains that have become pawns at the hands of merciless people. At least let us try hard to punish pawns and send message to those who has used them.

“ You know, how pleased I were when I learnt the news that Janaki was pregnant. I dreamed for the child that would see light of day and grow to become a great man. The man who would be kind and at service of the community he lives among. I used to speak out my dreams in dreamy voice to my Janaki in night, touching her womb…caressing her and kissing her. I wished I would earn as much as I can to support his carefree life and high education.

“ And see, O Krishnan, suddenly what a stroke of evil destiny befallen on me! My wife and unborn child went to ashes. What did I do wrong to this world? Didn’t I pray Lord every morning with deep faith? Did I ever commit a sin? Did I ever harm anyone?

“ Then why? Why on earth?”

I sobbed. I wept incessantly…just like the weeping sky ever since.

Krishnan moved forward taking me in his passionate embrace.

“ We shall avenge O Venu…we shall. I am sorry…I could not save her…I could not even see how she looked…but she must be an angle. She must be in the sacred court of Lord you prayed with such a great devotion.”

His words didn’t sooth me.

I wept on and on…















CHAPTER





The morning was calm and cheerful. The rain had taken the recess and clouds scattered in sky. The sunlight I could see after many days. The vicinity was clearly visible. It was a flat tableland crowded with shrubs and trees. The water was drained away and I could see the carpet of green leaves sprouting in hems. The birds chirped heavenly songs and flew high above…over the trees and over the grounds. The nature seemed to be in festive mood. No human soul was in sight…that pleased me. Yes…this area is deserted, I thought. But we had to start…

Krishnan too was ready. Bath was out of question. We already had been bathed by rains so deeply that for many a days we could do without bath…

We now had our guns assembled and loaded. Revolvers in place and sacks hanging on back. Krishnan was consulting the map.

“ We may be here…or nearby Kankesanturai…some forty to fifty kilometers away. We are in red area. LTTE is powerful and has patrolling system in rule all around. But let us not worry much about them. This area is covered by thick forests and easy to miss them.” He let out a laugh.

“ Which direction we are going to proceed…and moreover what we are supposed to do?”

“ Just follow me…,” he said abruptly.

“ Alright.” I said in an irritated voice, turned back and bowed to Lord Buddha and prayed.

Krishnan stood silent. I looked at him in astonishment.

Krishnan stood silent. I looked at him in astonishment.

“ You never pray to God, Krishnan?”

“ No…”

“ Why?”

“ When it does not exist they why to pray him?”

“ You are cynical…why?” I insisted.

“ God is created by the frightened mankind.” He started delivering a sermon in frightful moments. “Faiths are need of the frightened mankind. Primitive man was afraid of darkness so he made fire a god. He got afraid of death and so he created another God. He created religion because all the time he was afraid from the natural elements and wanted a soothing blessings. Religion helped them. They then formed myths of destiny and destiny gods. Then they created umpteen numbers of gods in order to feel secured and safe. He needed all the consolation because man was afraid. Why after all God should exist to assist the mankind who is a worst filth that breathes and pollutes the earth? The universe is far vaster than this earth and so called faiths!

“ If at all God did exist why it would be different for different sects and religions? It all is foolish. No god does exist and there is no reason why he should exist. You know people pay more money to get Darshan at temples without wishing to stand in row. How these fools think God can bless them more prosperity to bribe him?

“ You have every right to do what you feel right. Do not ever ask me such a question. For me God never did existed nor he ever can exist. There is no place for God in this universe.

“ And see…

“ We are not alone on this plateau.” He said in alarming voice and forced me to bow down.





I could see nothing abnormal. The sunlight was warming and insects chirping. Breeze of damp wind rustling through the foliage and trees. Everything was in perfect order.

“ What’s it?” I asked in shuffled voice.

“ There are people around here, cant you feel? I wish they were on their usual patrol. I would kill those bastards if they are looking for us…I wonder…there is no reason for them to patrol in this area…there is no Sri Lankan post nearby.”

I kept silence though I was tense.

He crouched forward and I followed him. Near the ruins of walls we stopped. He looked everywhere. Pointed me to look at particular direction. Yes…he was right. I could see secretive movement of a man wearing military uniform through the shrubs.

“ They must be searching for us through out the night…” Said Krishnan in desperate voice, “ our arrival is no more secret…”

“ But how?” I asked, almost panicked at this revelation.

“ That’s what we has to find…” he went on with his assuring voice.

The uniformed man was now stepped behind the shrubs to allow his colleague to step ahead in a conscious movement. The other man was looking at the shrine and then suddenly he produced a handset and spoke fiercely to someone. Krishnan was focusing binocular and watching the unsolicited scene.

“ They are not army, are our ancient friends. Be ready for a big fight friend…”

I tightened my grip over gun, my mind in whirlwinds, how they did find us!

“ Let’s see how many are they…not many I suppose…because they must have known general location where we would land up. The rains last night must have delayed their actions but now it seems they are ready…”

The sunlight I cursed now. A mist was gathering in my eyes. I knew I had to trust on Krishnan’s wits. He was right. I saw another man getting up from the shrubs and joining his colleague.

“ They just are suspecting we might be around here but they are not sure. They may march in this direction with more vigil. This is a right opportunity to take them unaware…”

“ Krishnan?” I asked in disbelief.

“ Yes…just fire at them…they well are in range…don’t filch…just fire…you are great at it…”

And suddenly the gunfire opened. I knew not whether I was first or Krishnan to start it. The sounds echoed from all directions. The man who had appeared first, stumbled and then with a wild jerk fell down. The other man tried to run across, faltered and then caught few slugs and then fell. The birds frightened swept high above with echoing shrills that faded away in moments and silence reestablished.

“ I hope they just were two. It is normal practice we adapted. The others may be somewhere in other areas assigned to them. Normally they keep in touch other couples over the wireless frequently so that if the communication is broken they know others are in danger. And then they leap ahead in that direction giving calls to all others who are close by.

“ Then they surround enemy…”

“ Krishnan, what if we had left the shrine from behind without asking for trouble?”

“ It would be a temporary rescue. They know for certain we are around here, in this area. It not at all a coincidence that they have undertaken manhunt in this deserted area. You know, LTTE, though powerful in means has not as many soldiers as to distribute them in oblivion with the scarce hope to capture or kill enemy. They have only enemy in this region and that is Sri Lankan army. They do this when they are searching for the preys and here we are the preys.

“ And these men certainly on a manhunt and are looking for us. All right, al least we have eliminated two of them and may be there more hidden in shrubs waiting for their turn. Here we are much safer as the ramparts of ruins are ready to defend us. Let us wait for a while whether other intruders are walking in.”

“ As you say…”

I had nothing to add but follow his instructions and reasoning.







We lay there for about an hour. Nothing did happen. The trees stood erect and bowed to the playful wind. The birds chirped as before and sun shone its eternal bliss. There was no movement in shrubs or in grass. Krishnan seemed cautious and alert. His grip was tightening over the gun.

“ They are coming. They know there is danger awaiting around but not sure from which side. They are coming in for sure…be ready…let us take them by surprise.”

So the fight had began. They knew now already we were landed in their rule. They were offended and wanted us to be dead. Alright…

We had to fight…

But how they knew we would be alive and back?





Then I had a glimpse of a movement from southwest side. The shrubs moved violently as a man moved forward with gun pointing at entirely opposite direction of the place we waited on them. Then he suddenly looked at the corpses lying about the shrubbery. It almost jolted him, he bounced back in shrubs wielding his gun high. Another man followed him with all the alertness he could muster, taking position so that if there were a sudden attack he would cover his leader. There was no movement for a while. Then they crawled ahead looking at our direction.



“ Now…” shouted Krishnan and opened a gunfire. His aim proved fatal. The man protecting his leader shuddered and fell as he had enough of the lethal bullets. The other man too opened the fire at our direction shattering the eternal peace of the death. Then when he found he was wasting his ammunition, he snatched the handset and started yelling something we couldn’t hear.

“ He is bastard…but we must get him…before he can make another contact…”

I too fired in that mans direction but knew we were wasting our bullets. The shrubs fell on our fire but the man was alive and frantic.

“ Stop Krishnan…”

“ But he will call….”

“ Let him…”

“ He knows now where we are hiding…”

“ We shall change the direction…”

He agreed.





We walked freely at another side, where there was a ruined staircase leading the top of the wall. We somehow managed to climb up and from the top we had better target. We saw the man in fright talking to someone through the wireless. From here we had better aim and both of us fired at him at once …how easily he got himself killed.



The shrine of Lord Buddha had proved so safe and useful!



Krishnan knew there would be more activity. He proved right as I saw a stealthy movement in shrubs about 500 meters away. It was a couple moving ahead with caution aiming guns in general direction moving ahead in open to get dead soon. They were now looking directly in our direction though they seemed unsure of our hideout. Slowly both got separated trying to cover each other in case of emergency. Krishnan had pointed his gun at them waiting to let them slide in range. “ I shall take the man at left…you aim at right one.” Krishnan whispered. The sun was now behind the clouds, casting a thin shadow over the tableland. I nodded. The insects were swarming in. I took position and concentrated on the man groping ahead. I didn’t know what happened afterwards…I pressed trigger till I could see him falter and then collapse. Krishnan too had killed other militant by then.

Then there was silence after the shattering noise. The birds settled in leaves. Wind blew swiftly.



“ Let us wait still…”



And we waited for another hour. Nothing did happen. Then Krishnan made another move. He forced me to walk down the ruined stairs, towards the dead bodies and then he held the transmitter in his hand. I could listen to the blur and then a voice…

“ What happened? Why you broke communication?”

“ There was a fight…we lost three men…but now both are silenced…any order that I shall follow?”

“ State your location…the support team will be there in two hours time…”

“ Hello…. I cant hear you…repeat your order…”

The man out there repeated the order more loudly and Krishnan pretended unable to listen and then he let communication cut off.





“ Now we shall move.” Said Krishnan as he searched the dead man trying to find more information.

“ Nothing has changed since I left them…”

“ Couldn’t we have slipped from other side instead of waging this encounter?” I asked in worried voice. “ They would have searched and searched and gone. Now we have alarmed them…they would be searching for us with more men and not that stupid next time…”

“ Venu, they would have found this shrine and proofs of our overnight stay. Still they would have done it the same, trust me. We know now their nearest support station is about two hours away. Let us move…”

He was abrupt and busy in his own thoughts.

“ We have to do better.” He said half to me, half to himself. “ The Jungles are treacherous out here, we must take other course…let us reach shore…I know we have to capture their at least one station…whichever is nearer to shape my plans. I need their communication system badly.”

He started towards northeast. I followed him like an obedient servant.





We were not hurrying this time, though our walk was conscious. I could see the savage rains had caused destruction in woods. Water-flows were still rushing forth with full vigor. Several dead animals and reptiles under shining sun gave a morbid view. The smell of death prevailed everywhere. I knew there would be rains again…in evening…the atmosphere were becoming hotter and air damp. The ground was slippery and muddy. We made our way through shrubs and neared the sea. Sea was calm and quiet. The waves crashed against the shore as if surrendering its lost force. But it would be vicious again…when in evening, I knew.

“ We have to penetrate deep in there.” Pointing at the dense woods he said, “ By now they must be aware we were safe and alive and must be playing some kind of game around here that they will try to analyze. We have to outsmart them to prolong our death. This is war now that we have declared.”

“ But how they could possibly have known we have landed and that too in this particular part? There must be some leak…or whether that mysterious man playing game with us?”

“ I don’t know Tambi…” Krishnan was irritated. “ Whatsoever…it doesn’t matter now. Facts are clear that they know for sure that we are here. Were they expecting us for some time? I don’t know. Nothing comes to my mind how it would have happened. But all right. We are here for fight and we are having it.” Then he gave a wry smile.

I was intrigued. I tried to find answer with thinking…remembering hard…how possibly it would have happened. I felt I too was in total dark.







It was almost quarter to four when we took a curve that led us towards Southeast. Keeping the sea at left hand we walked in our misery. The sky was dark and cloudy. The wind had stopped and I knew any moment rains would open up. Whole body was aching after this long walk and excitement of morning.

“ We must stop.” I said in a whine.

“ Let’s go ahead…” snapped Krishnan and continued his pace. I swore and followed him. We were now in the thickest wood I ever had witnessed. An uneasy calm was overpowering the woods. The rustle and flutter of leaves was deafening. Our pace was slowed down. Krishnan seemed in no hurry. He stood for a moment or two and then said,

“ I feel we are near somewhere of the command station four. It used to be headed by Virupaksha sometime ago. I do not know whether still he is alive or heading this camp. He is master in Guerilla warfare and is a most trusted man by his superiors, have caused sever damage to Sri Lankan army as well to Indian army in the recent past. He knows me, however will be very happy to tear me apart. I am treacherous for them…you know?”

Then he laughed.

I hardly could understand him.

“ We shall proceed henceforth cautiously. No noise or no talk, just keep on following me.”

I nodded.

“ I know this region. I have been here many a times. Let us see how we can use my knowledge at our advantage.”

I didn’t know what was on him. I, an ignorant fool, had no choice but to follow him.







We moved forward with care as we listened to a deafening thunder in skies followed by heavenly delude. I cursed and swore, but secretly I knew rain was at our advantage. Our movements would remain unnoticed. They wouldn’t dare to enter woods knowing we could be anywhere. They knew we were suicidal. We had nothing to lose. We were breathing borrowed moments from the destiny. There was no more remorse for the kind of junk we were in. we had killed six men in morning and would kill as many as we could before we die.

But weren’t they too suicidal? They could lose life of as many as they could to eliminate us. They knew jungles and secret paths better than we did.

This thought chilled me.

We were drenched, as if we were standing under a waterfall that made our movement difficult.

Sometime later we approached a small open space covered with huge rocks. Water was rushing through the veins of uneven rocks. We mounted a slippery rock and sat down.

“ I think Venu, it would be unwise to move forward still rain recedes. We can’t see how near or how far we are from this station. We need to recharge our energy. “

With this he sprawled on the rock catching savage attack of the rains over him. I removed shoes and tried to reinforce my numbed limbs with massage.



The rain was insistent. The sky kept on thundering with extreme force. The lightning frightened the species that did dwell in woods. From beginning of universe it must be happening every season. And yet nature was flourishing and promising new life to come. We were amongst eternities. No remorse for calamity of nature could be sensed anywhere. Only bowed surrendering I could see all around. The water rushing towards the ocean was happy to lose its separate existence, when we, the mankind was so specific to carve its special deeds on the canvass of time. In the world of mankind was chaos. Stupidity and selfishness. What Krishnan said was right…mankind always tried to buy out religion and deities. They wanted to establish their supremacy in extreme pompousness over the ruling of the nature. This nature was breathing just like the human soul, and yet it hadn’t had any deity. They needed it not for it was so close to the tunes of universe.

We wanted to kill and get killed. What type of curse we had?

I was mute on the tunes of rains for some time.

What a meaningless life I was leading now as the villains had destroyed my destiny.

They had no right to cause harm to anyone except one call for it.

I was leading a peaceful life, life of a gentleman. I wished everybody happy and never had cursed anyone or had caused harm in any way.

And see…what was happening to me.





The darkness enveloped us under the crashing in rains.

I felt I was hungry.

I yelled at Krishnan. He opened his eyes and sat up.

“ Let us have some food.”

“ Alright. I too am hungry. Remember the feast we had in forests on Indian coasts, that hen? I smell still its roasting and delicious taste. Can’t we here too find fowl?”

“ May be…but it is raining…”

He laughed.

“ Alright…let us chew the stale packed food.” He surrendered.



Before we could open a can, a beam of torch fell on us. I jumped and rolled down with carrying revolver releasing safety catch ready to fire at intruder. Krishnan too had repeated the same action at impulse.

I looked at the origin of beam. It was impossible to see the man behind it.

“ Don’t shoot…”

The voice was pleading. It was, at my surprise, female voice. I adjusted myself to comfortable position, aiming revolver at beaming point…and trying to understand who she was and what the hell she was doing here.

“ Switch off the torch…come forward. We shall provide you light…”

Yelled Krishnan. When the beam of off and no alarming activity that could stir violent reaction from us, Krishnan switched on his torch and threw light at the woman in military outfit.

“ I’m Himani…Himani Cherion…have you forgotten me O Krishnan?”







Chapter





Krishnan was silent in those agonized moments. He slowly got up, still holding torch and revolver at her direction, said,

“ Come forward…don’t play smart…hands up…behind head…come slowly…it is slippery out there…ah…come on. Sit here…where are others?”

“ I am alone…shoot me if you want…”

“ No…why should I shoot you? Tell me what’s up? Why are you here? How did you know we would be here? How you did find us?”

“ One question at a time, Krishnan…don’t be so impatient.”

“ Alright…” Krishnan was irritated still holding beam at her.

“ Why you have walked in trap?”

“ I don’t see this is a trap.”

“ Don’t be a fool…this is a trap…you know it very well. I know how you outsmarted six men in this morning. They were searching for you both. They expected you to walk in here. They know everything. Don’t you realize this Krishnan?”

“ There is nothing I don’t know. Tell me why are you here and how did you find us?”

Himani took some time to answer him.

“ I was following you. From the moment you landed.”

“ Incredulous!” Shouted back Krishnan in vehemence.

“ But true O Krishnan. We knew you were being deported here. The location was known. They wanted you both to eliminate before you understand what struck you. But the rains caused confusion and that’s why you still are alive.

“ Krishnan, you have walked in death trap.”

“ That would be our concern. Tell me, why you have come here?”







Himani Cherion looked at Krishnan with a look that I could very well understand. The same look I had seen many a times in eyes of Janaki.

“ I were following you through these rains and thorny shrubs. I was out there when you found shelter in shrine. I witnessed how you both had a fight this morning. Forget it…it is so immaterial. I wanted to meet you…to warn you…but then I had a message from station so I had to rush somewhere else. But I came back retracting my footsteps.

“ Why you returned back Krishnan?”

“ If you knew we were to be deported, you must then know why we came back and who deported us and for what!”

Himani was in troubled silence for sometime. I was witnessing a nightmare that could be true. Yes…the militants were not far away…not in dreams…in shooting range…they were right alive and possessed emotions too.

“ I knew Krishnan you never were a traitor but it seems Shivrasan’s incident has destroyed you. But I know you had nothing to do with it. I knew it always O Krishnan…from that day when the news had crashed in here there were frantic activities. Rush decisions were being taken against your life. I protested O Krishnan…I Protested. I pleaded and yet they decided to eliminate you.

“ How much did I cry that night only I know Krishnan…”



Krishnan’s voice was softened. He wanted to touch her…caress her and soothe he. But he checked himself.

“ Himani, are you honest to your feelings?”

“ If you have still doubt left you may kill me. After all these treacherous events I have lost all interest in living Krishnan.”

And then there was a sob…a muffled crying.

I too wanted to cry cursing Krishnan for his impassive attacks.

“ They were in hurry to execute you. I don’t know why. They could have questioned you if they had any doubt left. They could have punished you if you found guilty. But they were insistent to kill you. I don’t know why…what happened in higher circles!

“ Shivarasan, I feel someone wanted him dead. Someone was too sure to know Shivarasan wouldn’t surrender himself alive if threatened with arrest. They proved extremely right. But why they framed you with false charge then? But then you were the only man knowing his hideout. You had organized it. Framing you was so easy O Krishnan!

“ But with Shivarasan a mystery has been dead. They so hurriedly passed orders of your elimination I was shocked. I know not who leaked the information. But for sure I know, my heart says, it wasn’t you. “





There was a troubled silence for some time.





“ I am here to find it out who cheated on me. I know not who saved us from that fatal accident and backed us to come back here to avenge my destruction. I know not what episode of politics you all are playing. I know we hardly can succeed in the mission we are on. Politics I know keeps on changing colors every moment, chameleons are far weak! We are prey of their ugly politics.

“ But the main question remains, who benefited out of Shivarasan’s death? Who was so anxious to leak out the news to SIT? They say I spilled my guts before Dorai Swami who they think was mole in our system, fostered to spill dust in Indian eyes. But I didn’t do it. I know for sure there weren’t anybody on this earth to know where Shivarasan was being taken except Prabhakaran and me. I surely didn’t leak the information for there was no obvious reason for me to do so. I was on my way back after installing him where I thought he would be safe at Bangalore with Shuba. I was not allowed to be in touch with any other and I followed the instructions strictly. I only did report to Prabhakaran. And yet the hideout was made known to Indian Police. There certainly was a leak and I am sure someone who had access to covert developments did it purposely though I still find it hard to believe.

“ I know Prabhakaran or someone very close from his coterie is responsible for what happened at Bangalore. I have been victimized with some ulterior motive. I wish I see him and know why the ugly game was put up against me.”

“ You are expecting impossible. I pray you go back. There is nothing you want to know. There is nothing you ever will know. I am here. Sometimes later I may learn something and soothe myself that they had wronged you. But at all you be here for some more hours, you shall be dead O Krishnan…please try to understand…”

Krishnan was in no mood to pay heed to her prayers.

“ Tell me, who were those saviors of us from that fatal accident? Why they informed you our arrival when they too could have killed us so easily? Who alerted you of our deportation? Tell me…”

Himani gave a helpless shrug. “ I don’t know. I knew only that that you were being deported here. I know not what kind of conspiracy is this that forces you to walk in their cave. I do not know who were the people you were with for long time. The news in the beginning was you both were killed. There was a sudden calm about you out here. True that you caused confusion and violence out there in Madras and during your passage to India. But then it all was forgiven for they assumed you were dead. I mourned your death. I prayed your wellbeing in the courts of heaven. And then suddenly there was rumor that you were alive. They said that you been protected by someone of whom they didn't know of.

“ I am sure there must be a great bargain. Saviors of you sold you out. Do you know Krishnan, that we are receiving a delivery of armaments from abroad? These all are latest technologies. We may even build an atom bomb with these.

“ But that’s all I know. I know not who saved you and why. But they must be powerful men…no?”





“ Yes…they were most powerful gang on this earth. They must have sold us for some timely gains. But does it matter to us now O Himani? Our own men first caused my fake arrest in order to infuriate me against the system I loved so deeply. They forced me in cells in unjust atmosphere for months to brainwash me surreptitiously. They destroyed my career I longed for. They forced me to be militant to benefit their cause. They wanted to eliminate me just to cover their heinous acts when they had enough of me. They used me as a pawn. So meticulously that I, a man of wisdom, failed to understand what was about to befall me. So stupid I have been all over my life. I am here to avenge treachery Himani…”

“ Go back O Krishnan. Respect my feelings. You know I too have been prey to their motives. I told you several times in my deep agonies how they raped me in disguise of Lankan soldiers…twenty times in a day to infuriate my soul…and then managed a fake encounter to release me. It made me think LTTE was a humanitarian organization and not at all like that the Lankan media portrayed of them. But now I know they too were LTTE who raped my existence. They wanted my special skills in logistics at their disposal. I was a happy young girl then when I was looking forward to make my career as professor.

“ Let me tell you, LTTE has now nothing to do with the pride of Tamil’s. They are using Tamil’s pride as a weapon in its selfish mission. They used you too. They used me too…after such a humiliation. But now there is no way out. I have to be amongst them…following orders. I have no place anywhere to go.

“ But you are a man. You can fight the way out. You can lead another life. There is no place for you out here, only vultures are awaiting you. Forget all the politics…it is an evil. Forgive the past and lead a new life…”

I looked at Krishnan in newborn passions. What she said was right. We were unwanted men out here. They knew we were here. No anymore secret of our arrival! That meant the men saved us and wanted us to kill Prabhakaran had changed their minds, sometime between our small tour through outrageous weather. Or there was another political upheaval that had forced them to change their course of action.

“ I shall not go back,” said Krishnan in a firm voice, “ Unless I avenge. Even if I run away, death is written…now or later. I wish to die a man’s death. They have killed innocent people without showing any mercy. They have killed a man, a prophet of tomorrow, who was beaming and waiving at those who garlanded him in affection and a human bomb…mercilessly sent him to pieces.

“ I have many questions to ask. Please answer them…if you can…”

“ I know so little Krishnan…! You go back…please…still you can save yourself…”

“ How did you know we were alive and coming?”

“ People were talking…they were being alerted for some time. The first news was you both were killed in an accident after shooting Varadrajan. I wept when I learnt the news. I felt as if my universe was shattered. And then there was talk of your walking back to life. Who saved you Krishnan?”

“ You tell me…you know that…”

“ No. I don’t know. Who send you back here?”

“ I don’t know.” Krishnan said honestly. “ The fact is they didn’t tell us anything. I said that they were CIA and they didn’t deny it! But they must be LTTE’s enemies or why should they take much pains to save us and organize our passage? But then who told you people we were alive and coming?

“ The question troubles me. I need answers to many questions…”

“ And who do you think can answer you? They will first shower millions of bullets at you. No answer you ever can obtain here. You should go back.” Her voice was full of passions and prayers.

“ From the beginning someone is cheating on me. There is some deceiver out there hiding behind a façade. First…the leak of Shivarasan’s hideout. Then now this leak…Oh! Who is playing ugly games with me? And why are you here? Why wish to save me? Why pleading my return? “

“ You are hypocrite Krishnan. You know I have my reasons to risk my life for you. I always had tremendous affection for you. You knew it bastard. You knew it and still never admitted.”

Krishnan kept silent. I could not see his face in the dark and thundering night. Were there pains? Were there sudden blackouts?

“ When I learnt you are being delivered here, since then I have been secretly watching and following you, neglecting my superiors and their orders. You don’t know what a risk I have taken walking in here. But you truly are cruel person…”

Her voice was choked.

Krishnan moved forward like a pregnant cloud and touched her face. Caressed her and then took her in embrace. He said nothing. My heart was filled up with millions of suns. The moments of deep sacredness slipped out slowly. The Lord was singing with billions of lips…through rains. I was drenched with feelings.

Krishnan then released her and watched her in intense feelings.

Both were still like the statues.

Then Krishnan moved back. Said,

“ Go back Himani. Never you shall entangle yourself in mortal affairs. Do not risk your life anymore. I am here to avenge disaster befallen over my friend for none of his mistake. I am here to know the truth and I shall have it. I know I have to lay heaps of dead bodies or may it happen that I am dead before I know anything and yet there is satisfaction in trying. Please get back…”

Himani stood silent for some time, as if her mind was not ready to accept leaving her heart.

“ As you wish Krishnan. I pray you be safe. Do not go far ahead in this area. They have laid booby traps that may bring you in great trouble. Observe ground before you take step. Sri Lankan armed troops and their camps are not far away from here and there is talk there might be soon a brief encounter. Our men are worried for they don’t have adequate supplies. There was some problem with our friends…unless we receive new shipment, we are in trouble.”

Krishnan nodded in understanding and said…

“ But don’t tell us much. That is dangerous for you. You now better go off. If destiny permits we shall meet under better skies.”

Himani bowed to touch Krishnan’s feet’s.

Krishnan said nothing…just touched her head.

She moved back and walked heavily through the thick curtain of rains to vanish in the realms of uncertainty.





We didn’t want to eat that night.

Moments were dripping down in a huge pail of time. Why did not all those sacred moments get frozen forever?

After long time Krishnan broke the silence.

“ See tambi, this is love. Here no companionship is expected. No burden of responsibilities is ever thrown. The true love is like this.

“ I know her for long time…ever since I have been with LTTE. She is commanding officer and has been my colleague in couple of missions. I knew she had been deceived, humiliated. She was forced to join LTTE. She adapted to all the hard practices of life here in her furies. And still she was full of liveliness. Her eyes would speak of her heartfelt sentiments. I knew she was deep in love with me and I never wanted to love anyone. I have no love left within me.

“ Do you know, I never tried to contact my parents afterwards? I don’t know now whether the are alive or dead. I am dispassionate about all the worldly relations since then. I knew no true relationship could ever exist in my life to console me. But this woman, playing with arms and killing others so mercilessly had a heart that could love. That could rent for someone to take her in the realms of future.

“ And yet I can not trust her. I know…it may be a ploy. She may have come under certain circumstances. May be to misguide us for some reason we don’t know…. And still I feel I shall trust her. I should have behaved sense when she was just in front of me. Now she has gone and I don’t know whether I ever can see her…”

Then he lost in his deep regrets.

After a while I felt I had cried.







“ Now we shall discuss our next course of actions…now we know there are traps in jungles and LTTE is in lack of supplies. She said their friends are causing some trouble and who else could be it but USA? They are the only latest allies. Hence I safely can infer from that mysterious man’s deliberation to convince us to undertake this mission matches with these latest developments. CIA is not having same romance with LTTE as before. And yet a shipment is arriving soon on these coasts. Mind boggling incidents have taken place and alas how little we know!” Krishnan was pouring words out just like the raining sky, not a glimpse of sorrow for the moments he just had been through.

“ However the question remains, then why news of our walking back to life and this region has been leaked? Who did this and why? Why CIA changed its mind is the question Tambi and that has brought us in vulnerable conditions in these jungles.

“Are their moles in CIA that still desire friendship be continued with LTTE when their other fractions has something different in mind? This is possible. Indian CIA is much stronger. They have several establishments and they continue to operate with several missions. They buy thinkers…they buy politicians…scientists and journalists. They are like missionaries working all the time on forming and deforming public opinions to their benefit. They wish to topple governments and support all the possible insurgencies in this continent.

“ In India so easy it is to establish terrorist training centers and remain vague. In India so many spy networks are active and neither RAW or IB or CBI can ever suspect its existence.

“ But it is alright. Ours is a poor country and money is God for everybody. With money anybody can be bought.

“ Our main question is how we proceed. We need to enter…”

I cut him short in a shrill. A sacred thread of moments was just been woven here and as if forgotten to it, Krishnan was speaking a usual talk. Couldn’t he wait for sometime? How cruel he could be even for himself?

“ Krishnan, she said right. You are cruel… hypocrite. You know not essence of life. I know we can’t sit here tight and let them capture us, but still O Krishnan…?”

Krishnan was watching me in surprise.

“ Hell…don’t be stupid Venu. I am not here to weep over my misfortune or past. Cant you see there is no time left for remorse? We are amidst deadly surroundings. We are here to avenge and to know, not to weep over past. Yes…she loved me…so what? Aren’t there so many affectionate people who weep alone in misery for their bygone love? Yes…there are billions. I am not first or last person on this earth who had been loved with all the care and affection still not responding to the heart wrenching outcries. I never had any feeling for her. And still I honor her feelings, but that’s all. I am not here to reunite past emotional ties.

“ See Venu, sometimes life arrives on some mysterious turn where no goal is left to advance at. No achievement is desired to boast of. No defamation matters or any fame. Only you have to quench thirst of your quest. Here no emotions or logic can help us. We have to be all the time alert on why we are here…in jungles…in death.

“ Don’t be a stupid fool to engross in meaningless feelings. You had many feelings and all you have seen and experienced is its shattering before your eyes. No feelings my friend… No place for them now!

“ Just listen to me for we have no time…”







I forced myself with great trouble to dive up from denseness of marsh.





“ You continue your rubbish…”

I said in a heavy voice.

“ They are everywhere. They know we are somewhere in the vicinity. We must have to mislead them. The rains are heavy and moving around dangerous. We are left with scarce choices. Somehow we have to do better. They must be thinking what we might think. We have to surprise them…somehow.

“ We can not wage face to face fight, it would be suicidal. They are experts in guerilla warfare. It has been their strength for decades. We must be careful and avoid encounters. Our goal is not at all to eliminate those common militants but Prabhakaran and let us focus our efforts at reaching him somehow.

“ I know Prabhakaran normally roams in Puranthan, but reaching there is a far away dream. We have to take other course. We have to bring him in open where we wish him to be.

“I know there are ministers in Sri Lankan government too those secretly support LTTE for political reasons. I know few of them for sure being involved in LTTE activities. To reap benefits out of insurgency they need men like Prabhakaran. Its all tragedy but let’s use them for a moment for our benefit.

“ So Purantham is out of question. Those bastards who thought we, a two-man army can ever kill Prabhakaran must be crazy. Prabhakaran is highly protected man. He is terribly secretive. His movements are always unknown even to his closest men. He keeps on changing his stays. He is most wicked man ever I have seen in the past.

“ And yet we need him. We need to face him and after we have answers, kill him. We have to play trick, a successful trick. We have to bring him in open…wherever we desire him to be. And for that we need to do little exercise. The rains are in our favor. Lack of arms and supplies to them also are in our favor. LTTE can’t survive without adequate supplies or arms or even ration. They are dependent on various sources.

“ And fortunately I know something. That may play a vital role if I am right. We have to take a chance. It may be our last chance. It may succeed or fail. But if my judgement is right we will succeed.”

I was at loss of words. I hardly could understand what he said. I didn’t know the games and rules of the games we were in. The game was fatal. The death smelling us. True what he said that after all we were here to avenge. And avenging a most powerful and merciless organization was not as easy as I had thought in my angered emotions.

True that the enemy was far more powerful and well organized. Unless one knows their secrets it would be impossible to penetrate in their home turf.

I felt helpless…weak and then an afterthought just exploded within me.

“ Let’s go back. I do not wish any revenge. I wish I am alive and far from this nightmare…”

Then suddenly a flamed frame of my Janaki appeared before my eyes.

She was yelling…she was contorted with bursting pains and she was calling me…

“ Oh…No Krishnan…no matter what happens to me… I shall avenge… at least let us kill as many as we can. I wish we went ahead…wage a war against these bastards…”









“ We must move now. Let us change direction a little. It may take at least five to six hours from now…but then we might reach right destination. I need a communication system….”

Said Krishnan in an excited voice.

“ Are you sure you need a communication system Krishnan? You have done it before. Now they will suspect foul play."

“ I am not at all going to call them. I need someone else this time and know well who it could be. I wish I were right…. That’s all. If I fail…sorry friend.”

“ You need not to be. “ I said in a soft voice.

“ Alright then. Let us try to abolish this trap first. Let us go back the way we have come.”

“ As you say…” I muttered.

The rain was incessant. We had left nothing with that could be dry.

“ Let’s move…,” said Krishnan in hurried tone. I didn’t know what was up his mind. But I had to follow his judgement. So I got up, tied the sack and held gun in a hand and torch in other.

He too was ready.

Our retreat began.















Chapter





It was a dreadful journey as we retraced our footsteps for more than three hours under the cursing skies and unfriendly jungles, then changing direction we headed northward or whatever direction it was.

The raingod’s rage was about to calm. We now were walking through the small farms and could see distant illuminations in the small villages. Even we heard barking of dogs. This was the first sign of being around civilized world. It was a soothing thought. I had heard the villagers in this region were LTTE supporters and most of young men had joined LTTE forces.

“ There must be a army camp somewhere. Now I know the general location. Before morning we have to enter it…”

I was shocked as I listened to him.

“ Are you crazy Krishnan? How one can enter Military area unnoticed? They will shoot us on sight.”

“ We have to take risk. They won’t be many, trust me. It is a small command station. We still are at outskirts of LTTE zone. Army here has so many bunkers and quarters on the disputed borders. They keep on patrolling in nights. However in rainy season no hectic activities are carried out here as then both the parties suffer badly. We may have a chance.”

“ But Himani told different story that she suspected encounter out in this region. They shall be alert and ready to shoot at intruders that hardly makes sense that we risk our lives.”

“ Himani may be wrong.” Said Krishnan in finality. “ I do not think they are preparing for any battle at this time. If it was the case Himani wouldn’t have dared to follow us. I know womankind, so treacherous it is when under pressures. May be she has the wrong information if my skepticism is wrong or she might have said it because she wanted us go back.”

His voice was stern and emotionless that stunned me.

“ But why you wish to enter Military outfit? They are not our enemies.” I protested.

“ I agree. But I need to use their communication system…just for couple of minutes. I have one urgent message to transmit. Our success depends on how precisely I do that. Keep on moving.”

I wanted to ask him many questions, but he didn’t answer one.

So frustrated I kept on moving.





We passed a branch of hill that spread eastwards to curve westward to exhibit awkward course of nature. Krishnan had increased his pace as if he knew they were near the destination. Now we were in deep forests again. The rain had stopped and a cold breeze kept on crashing against our drenched body.

And it was then when I heard a harsh command that nearly froze my heart.

“ Stop…throw your weapons away and raise your hands…”

Before I could guess what calamity was about to fall I saw Krishnan leaping sideward and throwing his body on grass. I too, in a frenzied reaction rolled down till my body crashed against a trunk of tree sending shooting ache in my body. But somehow I managed to take position and watch with soul in eyes what went wrong in the dark jungles.

There was no movement but a rustle of trees and stealthy footsteps behind the bushes I could listen.

I couldn’t even see my friend Krishnan.

Then I heard a rustle not far away in bushes. I aimed and before I could pull trigger, a round was fired by Krishnan shattering the calm of night, followed by a painful moan and instant counter gunfire at us. There must be many of them, I thought while trying to wipe out the mist gathering over my eyes.

I directed my gun at the point from where the fire had been opened and pulled the trigger.

The thunder and falling of rooted out bushes and then a thud and then there was usual peace enveloping the vicinity.

We waited.

A fear had groped me. The gunfire in the night could be heard from long distance and we were somewhere near army outfit. The fire may ask for attack from another troop. How we were to succeed?





“Let us move,” muttered Krishnan. “ Just let us change our course.”

I got up, adjusted my cloths and haversack and followed Krishnan.

“ Don’t get frightened. These types of encounters are not new out here. Even if they find corpses tomorrow they will blame LTTE for this and may kill some other militants in sharp reaction. Actually Sri Lankan army is tired of this prolonged civil war. But as long LTTE is active, they has to hold fort.”

I said nothing.

“ I am sure they are not many out here. We just have to be careful. Human Right activists are attacking army men and hence they just are afraid of taking savage action. The same thing is happening in Kashmir, do you know? They simply can’t shoot them at sight. Human right activists are fools. They just don’t know the seriousness of militancy. Militants just can’t claim they are humans!”

There was bitterness in the voice of ex-militant and now an avenger.

Wasn’t it an irony?

“ What’s up Krishnan? To whom you want to communicate?”

“ I wish to off track them, I want to mislead them. I want to use little information I have and use my guessing at our benefit.”

“ To whom you think you are contacting?”

“ Kondathaman…”

“ Who is he?”

“ He is one of the minister of Sri Lanka. Let me update you with some background.

“ In May 90 I was in Jaffna. The plan was being laid to assassinate opposition leader in Sri Lankan Parliament. Actually to my understanding the instructions were issued from abroad. I was the man to receive and decode the instructions. I was commanding chief of communication system…remember? And these instruction were relayed from Colombo…

“ I suspected all the time there existed secret supporters of LTTE in Sri Lankan ministry too. There was a cause for my doubts as they many a times had used LTTE to eliminate their political rivals. Prabhakaran happily helped them and in -turn gathered support and money and information that could strengthen his position. Had LTTE desired ultimate victory over Sri Lankan army it won’t be that impossible, for LTTE was more equipped with armaments as well with ruthless supporters. But Prabhakaran never attempted final war. He just went on tightening his grip over organization and reap other benefits as much as he could by befriending foreign contacts and Sri Lankan authorities. That was also the reason any Sri Lankan government did not waged annihilating war against LTTE as well. There were both the possibilities…one…LTTE could win over and establish its formal rule in the frame of democratic pattern…two…Sri Lanka could win over and end up the ethnic war forever and bring eternal peace.

“ I had debated all these possibilities with myself and had deduced that there must be a secret truce between two parties. Politicians could go on denouncing LTTE publicly and infuriate public sentiment at their benefit, to get them elected and come in power. If LTTE were nowhere, their depots would be closed. They needed insurgency for it helped them. They could be in power doing nothing for the public. They could blame LTTE for everything…for slackened economy…for worsening international relations…

“ They needed very existence of LTTE. They needed a shrewd man like Prabhakaran. Do you know Venu, when Rajiv Gandhi diplomatically had forced Indian Peace Keeping Forces in Sri Lanka, I know no one was happy in this Government. Not even the Sri Lankan army. I know there were lot of exchange of information that caused ultimate defeat of Indian army in this land. Sri Lankan wouldn’t co-operate Indian army, but would mislead them. And when Mr. Gandhi realized this he had no choice but to take back his army, he did so.

“ LTTE is not as powerful as they have made a show of it. LTTE is entirely dependent on disillusioned youth and arm supplies from foreign countries. And now, as Himani was telling us, there were disputes with their new allies. Supply of arms was endangered. No arms…no LTTE.

“ There was Padmanabhan…leader of another militant fraction. Tamil Revolutionaries was the name of his organization.

“ When I received the earlier message from our friend in Sri Lankan government, I deduced that he must be a powerful man. The opposition leader was raising hue and cry over so many issues and had caught government in catch 22 situation. They had no choice but to eliminate him.

“ And they did it. A human bomb took his life.

“ And then the issue of Padmanabhan was bothering Prabhakaran. Padmanabh had different ideology. Had too many supporters that brought him in position to bargain with Lankan government independently. He was a pain in ass. A secret meeting was summoned and was attended by only four people. Then first time I saw this man in Government. Kondathaman. He was a Minister then. The revelation was shocking and yet supporting my deductions.

“ Everybody had private interests in Padmanabhan’s elimination. Lankan Government wished they had single enemy and Prabhakaran desired his sole supremacy. He wished to rise high above all as only messiah of Tamil liberation movement. And the plan was laid to kill the opponent who could one day challenge supremacy of Prabhakaran. The fact is that Padmanabhan was treacherously eliminated.

“ And moreover, does Kondathaman represents his power hungry party?

“ No. The answer was negative. He represented CIA…new allies. He promised regular supplies and also the limited warfare strategies. There was a blemish on him few years ago when a Member of Parliament had attacked Kondathaman for being his CIA agent, manifesting antinational activities. The media had covered this sensational accusation with wild headlines. The charges of course were denied and then there were just allegations and counter allegations for some time and then everyone had forgotten it.

“ Kondathaman has lot to do with LTTE. He is LTTE’s outside strong support. A mediator between LTTE, CIA and Sri Lankan government he acts as. This is the very reason the way USA pokes its dirty nose in Kashmir never has expressed its concern over insurgency in this small island. They were already in it. They needed to be there, not to check to Sri
Lankan government but to pose threat to Indian unity.

“ The motives were ulterior. I was afraid to speak out my concerns even with myself. They had nothing to do with wellbeing of Tamil race. They capitalized on Tamil pride at their benefit.”

“ And still you were with them…”

I said in a bitter voice.

He was silent for a moment as we crossed a spring.

“ I had no choice tambi…where would I go? I had no any other destination to lead but to swallow bought out moments of the life. I had destroyed my life already.”

There was no remorse in his voice…just matter-of-fact explanation. It pained me. But I was eager to listen to his deductions.

“ Now it appears to me that though CIA was somehow involved in the matters concerning Gandhi assassination, has backed out temporarily for some reasons. Why CIA would back out? Then there must be a threat, threat to expose CIA connection. CIA had to stop ammunition supplies to LTTE. And surprisingly the temporary misunderstanding between two parties seems disappeared as they have let LTTE know that we were alive and approaching the coast.

“ One thing is sure Tambi you never shall forget that both the parties in a way are afraid of me. They know what I know. My living is dangerous to them. They must eliminate me if a mice is out of the bag, causing threat to their little plan. And see, they sold Shivarasan and then tried to kill me. But I shall know what was up their mind at the time they involved me in that highly secret operation.

“ But again a question remains, why there was dispute and why there has been a deal between them in a hush-hush. . There must have been a quiet understanding and attempts to seal further leaks that may cause threat to their existence. There must have been a development that forced CIA change its mind and sell us in bargain. Truly, we have no significance in a way. They knew once we were deported to this land only luck could save us. But they leaked the information, cheating on us, seems to me a necessity that might have arisen during our journey. They notified them that we were being deported, for some kind of timely advantage.

“ I am curious to know what would have happened.

“ I am curious to see Prabhakaran.

“ I am curious to know why CIA had backed out and tried to use us as a weapon against their friends. There must be a reason. It just can’t happen without any cause.”

He stopped. It had raked a thunderstorm in my mind. Everything seemed so dubious and untrustworthy. How many incidents keep on happening without letting anybody know what caused the change of seasons!

“ Tell me Krishnan…honestly…did they really think we could kill Prabhakaran? It seems to me now that Prabhakaran is not that easy target even for his powerful enemies. Then why CIA trusted that we could eliminate him?”

Krishnan stopped, patted on my shoulders in affection and said,

“ They knew they had nothing to lose. They saved us in order to use us against LTTE if time went worse. They knew my friend I was a key person in Gandhi assassination. I was a man who escorted Shivarasan to Bangalore. Till then no CIA connection was in picture. The secret communication and supply of arms never could be proved in any court of law. Only physical evidence matters when one confronts the law. And I was a physical evidence. LTTE wanted to kill me blaming for Shivarasan’s exposure not only to punish me but also to eliminate a proof. I am deducing. I am deliberating with myself from the day I have been conscious.

“ Why they leaked Shivarasan’s hideout? There must be a reason. Why they put blame on me and tried to kill me, because they wanted to eliminate a proof to safeguard their sinister secrets. And why CIA took that many pains to save us? I feel it was to secure a proof!

“ And why CIA decided we could be used as a weapon to eliminate or attempt to eliminate Prabhakaran? Because when we came back to life, time had elapsed. Within that period of our unconsciousness our need as a proof might have become insignificant. Again so much water must have flown down the bridge during that unfortunate passage of time. But they had brought us back to life. They had no use of us. They had temporary misunderstanding among them. They knew they couldn’t let us walk out and roam in open. It would cause another scandal. We might remember our secret saviors…the hideout. We might lead unsolicited attention to the existence of their secret forts. They wanted us away when they found we were of no other use. They wanted to infuriate our feelings, tried to use as a weapon against LTTE. Our disaster they wished they could capitalize on. They wanted us to lead the path they thought we should lead.

“ They wanted us away. Away from Indian land, in this treacherous land where hardly we could succeed. CIA is highly powerful organization my friend. Killing Prabhakaran would be just a routine job for them. And still they convinced you that you really could eliminate Prabhakaran!

“ They thought at least we could cause some damage. Some fruits still could be reaped in return of saving our life. I don’t think they ever believed we really could even reach Prabhakaran.

“ But they were sure we would be killed, some or other day causing little damage to LTTE. They tried to use us even when we were useless to them in course of the new events. What were these incidents? We do not know.

“ But these all are weird happenings. Crazy and incredulous!”





There was a sharp edged silence prevailing for long time. I was bothered. Couldn’t I ever avenge my destruction? Couldn’t I ever avenge brutal killing of my innocent Janaki?

And if at all we were to fail, why we were treading this dangerous path?

Couldn’t we sneak away from this dangerous coast as Himani had suggested?



“ And do you know tambi… we surely can kill that bastard. Only we need little luck and opportunity. I am here to prove we can destroy their sinister moves as they have destroyed our life. I wish they repented forever for whatever they did to us. They have underestimated us. O Venu, we are going to avenge our treacherous destiny.

“ Do not worry…I am inflamed with new born vigor. I need to satiate my rage.

“ I won’t let them play any childish game against us.

“ And so we need to get hold of a communication system…”







We kept on walking in a deep silence. My heart also was now on fire. Krishnan was doing right thing. He had not forgotten death of my Janaki. He hadn’t forgotten all those ugly games they have been playing with us. He was in rage all right. His calm didn’t mean he was about to surrender. He was not as selfish as I had thought and cursed him for.



I was ready to die. I had no zeal to breathe stale and defeated moments of life. I wanted to fight till I was dead. I had no desire left to achieve anything else than destruction of enemy or mine.





We crossed a roaring spring surrounded by slippery grass. Then I could see the streak of light moving through trees. Krishnan moved stealthily on knees through bushes. I followed him.

As we came forward we found a large opening below the hill where couple of structures were erected surrounded by the coiled barbed wire. Occasionally a searchlight would sweep around illuminating sentries and a watchtower and would move past the structures making it look as though deserted.

“ Venu, stay here. I shall enter in. I guess there wouldn’t many soldiers inside. I have to find communication room…”

“ Its dangerous Krishnan…there must be armed soldiers hidden in dark and inside the building. Communication room won’t be empty…”

“ This is almost quarter to three in morning. If at all there are many must be asleep barring these tired sentries. It won’t be that risky…and do we have any option?”

“ Then let me also join you.” I insisted.

“ No.” He said firmly. “ Considering they catch me in red then you shall return back and save yourself.”

“ But…”

“ I must start now before it is too late. Trust me I shall be back. I know how Sri Lankan army acts. This is very small outfit…as compared to others. And they are not expecting anything unusual. In rainy season hardly they can expect attack on their regiment.”

I was desperate to convince him and yet his firm voice stopped me from any further argument.

I nodded silently and let him go, patting his shoulder in affection and with blessings.





I sprawled on grass behind the shrubs and through the branches I could watch him crawl stealthily, without making any noise, towards the barbed wire. As he reached it, he bent couple of wires…stopped as he heard footsteps of sentries and when they passed him without doubting his existence he continued his efforts. It took him almost ten minutes to make his passage open. Then he entered the army premises.

Afterwards I could see nothing.





Waiting in the shrubs was a sever punishment for me. Moments were rushing in slow pace. I glanced at the sky, still crowded with dark clouds. A whizzing sound of spring that we had crossed was sharp and bothering. I glanced at watch. Half an hour had passed since Krishnan left me.

I was desperately praying god for the safe comeback of Krishnan.

I was waiting. Trying to locate each movement in the darkest of night.

I was sweating with anxiety.

My heartbeats were fast…as if my heart was about to explode.

I tried to avert my mind from Krishnan.

What I would do if he doesn’t return?

I knew not this geography of this region. I had no knowledge what I should do under such circumstances. I could fight…but with whom and how? How I alone could reach secret fort of Prabhakaran? How I alone could outsmart these wicked militants? I knew not their ways.

No. Alone I would die. Die of sever heart attack.

An uncertainty loomed above me, threatening…frightening…ready to explode any moment.

Truly, revenge is not easy when you are fighting against a group of crooked people unless you know their traits and have inside information. They can play with you cat-mouse game and kill you without stirring aftereffects. You meet an unfortunate death…no one to weep about you.





Another hour slipped slowly in the ghoulish past.

I was stupefied, as if death had finally caught me and then I heard a limped walk. I opened my eyes and shot glance at him in disbelief.

Yes…

Krishnan had come back.







I rushed at him, without thinking what danger I was calling for, helped him come out through the thorny wires. He said nothing. He got up as he was out of the hole, crawled towards the shrubbery forcing me to follow him.

As soon we were at safe distance, had crossed the spring, he said,

“ I had to kill two soldiers. They were guarding transmission room.”

“ But could you use system?”

“ Yes…I could. I sent the messages…I don’t know whether they will trust…but I have tried my best. If I have successfully convinced them, they shall come tomorrow evening at a place on the banks of Fanoma River.”

It was an excitement after deadly uncertainty as Krishnan had really done it.

“ Tell me now, whom you gave message? And what message?”

“ Oh! It all is so weird. As I told you I had some deductions on recent happenings, and that Kondathaman has something to do with LTTE as well CIA, I tried to use it. I informed Kondathaman, a meeting with Prabhakaran has urgently been summoned to thrash out some matter of grave importance. Rendezvous is now marked or I hope so.”

I was not convinced that a Minister would rush to the site without verifications and authorizations.

“ It is impossible Krishnan that they can be fooled like this. They know their ways better…they know other stupidity can ask for disaster.”

Krishnan laughed.

“ There is one thing Venu, you shall not forget, is that each party to the recent chaos is in quandary. LTTE first time ever has handled such a gruesome assassination that has caused ripples across International horizons. Killing an opponent militant head like Padmanabh or local ministers is altogether a safe ball game, you know? Mr. Gandhi had many friends as well as he had foes and still he had International standing. LTTE in the past has caused lot of violence and still it were within its safe territory. What significance Sri Lanka has on vast canvas of political superpowers? This land is being used to cause unrest in this part of world, so that India busies herself to solve the crisis and has no time to peep out of her windows.

“ My heart says they laid plans to eliminate Mr. Gandhi not only to avenge his action to send Indian army to mitigate LTTE. He had to be killed for some other reasons, at someone else’s command they couldn’t turn them down.

“ They got it done somehow, alright at the hands of LTTE. But then they failed to understand Prabhakaran. He just couldn’t perform such gruesome act just for the sake of Tamil pride, put his very existence in extreme danger unnecessarily. If at all this was the case that LTTE on its own eliminated Mr. Gandhi, then he would be calling for another vicious attack of Indian army to make him pay for it. A fight would be on which he hardly ever could win. Sri Lanka Government could hardly deny its support under the circumstances to Indian army. He must have ensured this doesn’t happen and such assurance he only can have from a superpower that has adequate control over Indian policymakers. You must remember in ordinary course no one can challenge Indian supremacy and play around with its leaders lives, unless one deliberately plans for it.

“ He, Prabhakaran, is a shrewdest of a man one ever can meet with. He just couldn’t do it for the sake of supplies of arms or money but for more important promises to ensure his status or for the things we don’t know of. He did it, used his suicide bomb and best brains to execute the operation to fullest accuracy and waited till he knew he had control over the situation. Shivarasan’s incident is not at all co-incidence. There must be something more to it. I am sure I didn’t leak any information. Then only man left is Prabhakaran himself. Then why shall he do it when Shivarasan was in safe haven and was beyond the position to cause any harm?

“ As I am telling you friend, there must be some incredulous dimension to that incidence I am failing to decipher. Why CIA got annoyed with Prabhakaran and still why they had to form another rush-rush pact with him? Why?

“ They are not that true friends for they have come together to achieve their ulterior selfish motives. Prabhakaran hardly is a man you can trust. He is treacherous and has hellish ambitions. He must have somehow threatened his new allies that he can cause damage to them if they keep on just safeguarding their own interests and leave Prabhakaran in wide open to face danger. And why should Prabhakaran feel unsafe when execution was orderly and perfect? What possibly could have happened to strain the relations when they were supposed to be closer than ever under the circumstances? Did CIA turned on him when its motive fulfilled?

“ But we know nothing and now we are here as a scapegoat to their reunion. I’m perplexed for the complexity we are facing here. Assassination has raked up something else they couldn’t forecast and that’s why there is a confusion and distrust among them.

“ But I am not sure whether they are sure of anybody. They seems to be cautious, ready to take advantage of the situation that time provides them with. Don’t you think why on the earth those men, whether CIA or anybody, should be watching the streets of Madras in a scarce hope that we may alight there out of blue? How they did know we were in the heart of matter and they followed us? Let me tell you our escape from that fatal accident was no any more co-incidence. CIA or whatsoever it is were on guard and were looking for us. When that bastard Varadrajan tricked on us except police there was none to take cognizance of the situation.

“ And still they could walk in time and take our unconscious bodies to their secret hideout and bring is back to life. Is it a mere co-incidence? No my friend, it cant be. They saved us and lead us to this path that we in different circumstances would have avoided.

“ What dose this mean, tell me! They are in doubt. They were in doubt. They wished they could outsmart each other if the circumstances went wrong and tried hard to hold up their sleeves in order to surprise each other. There are people on this earth who didn’t like the recent disaster, Russia…for example. They might be eager to expose CIA connection. And even China. They all despise USA you know, though they claim political honeymoon amongst them. Who is LTTE then? Its so called smartness is upbringing of its allies! Even if Indian Intelligence arrive at the conclusion that LTTE was just used as a pawn, what it can do? The system is so hollowed by the surreptitious invaders that the society is no more in fighting mood.

“ Do you really think Indian investigators, even if they come to know what might have gone wrong can blame the CIA? No my friend. India would never do it as it is an dependent country by all means. But suppose someone else takes the lead to expose USA, then?

“ Then not only LTTE but an integrity of CIA too is in danger. All connections must be sealed out as if there never was a relation. All machinery has to work hard to eliminate all the possibilities of unsolicited exposure. And when everyone’s existence is at stake, they have to reconcile the relations so that they can fight out the looming-large danger. They need to deliberate and extract maximum benefits from each other so that they can carry on the same activities uninterrupted in the future. They are vultures of some primitive kind, ready to attack and ready to defend viciously if situation goes worse. And here is a unique situation that needs clarifications! Isn’t this possible?

“ We know not current scenario that is shaping in India or across the world hence we are left with guesses those might be wrong. But in last couple of weeks SIT must have reached at some conclusion through its endless investigations. India still has a caretaker government. Acting Prime minister knows he cant execute his powers unless the election process is complete and elected government is sworn in. The timing is so perfect that the assassins have scope to seal all the probabilities of exposure before new government is formed. May be new government again is in minority and that’s what always has been desired by the western think tanks and shrewd politicians. For them India must remain slave to the wishes of superpower.

“ But this all is unimportant for these all are my deductions based on my previous experiences with my alienated friends. I know not for sure whether my deductions are right.

“ But friend, I hope the message to Kondathaman should cause some uneasiness. He knows in what mess he has put himself and so his allies. He too needs meetings and assurances that in case of adverse situation Prabhakaran does not expose all other partners.”

“ But he can countercheck whether the message came from right sources. He may sense decoy. He may not be as important person as you say. He may even contact his superiors. And what if they sense this is a game?” I asked worriedly. The deliberations that Krishnan continued endlessly made no sense to me as we truly knew nothing and what was use of it when we weren’t sure to see light of tomorrow. What lay ahead was important and how could I assure that Krishnan’s little game would succeed?

Krishnan said mildly after a while,

“ My friend, I have given counter message to LTTE headquarters. I was afraid what if they change their codes and methods after what we did in India. But it seems as yet they don’t have replacement for me. They lack in technocrats out here in jungles. I, a man, having expertise in social sciences, could grasp training under white men that promoted me to In-charge of communication system. They have many people expert in combating and in guerilla warfare and still they lack in technocrats. The original system remained intact as I had left it behind.

“ I sent counter message to LTTE headquarters from other specific frequency and relayed the message that there has been leak of CIA connection to two other opposite parties and that they were concerned and are in discussion with Indian premier that may call unsolicited attention of the world, hence Kondathaman desires a meeting to discuss this issue on top priority.”

“ But wouldn’t they countercheck?”

Krishnan laughed.

“ My dear friend, they could…if at all they had a chance. I have now changed all the frequencies. They can’t call each other for confirmation, at least for some time. That’s why I took that much time in army communication room. The modern systems are perfect…if you don’t know the method you cant play around with it. But I mastered electronics, as I had nothing to do else while being an active member in their outfit.

“ I know new emerging technologies that a wise man can bug them to his benefit. I have bugged their system. Kondathaman should come out there and so Prabhakaran.

“ Do you know how their meetings are held? You will wonder at their extraordinary management abilities where even the great corporate lacks. Everybody is well protected. Kondathaman doesn’t come alone. He has his own men to protect him, for he doesn’t trust anyone and so the Prabhakaran. Prabhakaran is highly selective about the locations where he meets other people or delegations. He ensures his safety first.

“ The place I told you is a safest place for him which is located on the banks of Fanoma River. First, the place is blanketed by dense forests, second, all the villagers around this place are hardcore LTTE supporters. They have all the modern surveillance equipment’s to sense any alarming movement in the vicinity. Even if he doubts the message he would come there as it is the safest haven for him.

“ And Kondathaman will also come because he knows Prabhakaran can’t harm him. He is an important man, a link between two parties. No gain can Prabhakaran extract out of his death, then why Prabhakaran or Kondathaman should suspect of a foul play?

“ They are in dilemma and need lot of interaction. We are giving them a chance to interact. They are lonely as they are in jungles and my favorite finding that it is very easy to make uneasy those who are lonely and uncertain of everything.

“ So my friend, chances are good that both will be present at the place where we can reach safely. I know that area. I know the place very well. I know how to outsmart surveillance system.”

Krishnan seemed damn confidant of what he said and it soothed me. I patted on his shoulder for his brilliant logic. He said nothing. Just got lost in the depth of thoughts. I followed him through the shrubs and bushes.







I noticed we were heading coast now, that too in entirely opposite direction. We hadn’t had any sleep. We were tired but the prospectus of the oncoming day forced me to tread ahead.

“ Where are we going?”

“ We are heading for the harbor, it’s small one…near Kankesanturai. We need a hijack now. Or stealing would do. Fanoma river is about one hundreds kilometers away. At least we should be able to reach Elephanta pass, somehow. I don’t know whether we can sail through the waters of Fanoma in this outrageous season, flooded normally it is during this time. “

“ What if they don’t come?”

“ Then we shall have to find other way out. Venu, nothing is in our favor. We are groping through uncertainty. We have to take chances. The way ahead is dangerous. They are searching for us…Lets see how we can overcome the problems destiny has posed before us.”

I said nothing. I was still doubtful. The thinking perplexed me. Suddenly the shower began to chill any soul and mind. And then we heard a barking of a dog and then muted whispers in woods.

We froze.







The voice neared us. We silently moved in shadows, behind a row of trees. Now I could see they were three men, approaching the same tree we were hiding behind. Now a slightest movement would be dangerous.

“ Where the hell both are hiding!” I could hear one exclaiming in frustration. “ And this rain…how to find those bastards? They may be anywhere…such a large area is this!”

“ They might have been killed by now by some other group…trust me…they are only two and we are so many looking for them.” Suggested other.

“ Or they might have fled back.”

“ Not possible…not now…there are launches watching the coast. And haven’t you heard that Ship just arrived from India? Something serious is on I am so sure of. But nobody is telling us what is going on. Why both men are so important to us?”

“ I know a little…the man who is out in this jungle has cheated on us. Hell with him and hell with these rains! Let me light a beedi.”

And to find shelter he walked towards the tree we were hiding behind.

Krishnan pressed my hand, I understood the signal, I could touch that militant by just extending my hand to catch him unaware. I held my breath in anticipation. Blood was rushing through my veins savagely. He was fumbling with his pockets when I leapt at him, hit him hard with the stock of gun on head. He moaned with sudden unexpected attack and collapsed down cursing. It happened in fraction of seconds. His colleagues went alert and wielded guns at us…and he was Krishnan who opened the fire first. They were at very close range…no chance he could miss them. They shuddered and went to the realms of hell giving final jerks.

Now I was at my feet, attending the militant trying hard to get up and defend himself.

I pressed my leg on his chest so hard that he gasped. I pushed barrel hard on his belly.

Krishnan reassuring none was alive he had fired at, came to me taking charge of the situation.





The rain had intensified its pace.

“ Don’t move. Just get up and don’t try play silly games.”

He said nothing, just babbled silly abuses.

Krishnan searched him, taking away weapons and whatever he could find in his pockets.

“ Now tell me, what ship that has arrived from India?”

He didn’t reply. Just spat and touched his wounded forehead.

“ Who is it that has arrived? Why the ship?”

“ I don’t know.”

“ You must tell us or you shall die a hellish death.”

“ Who cares? You both are bastards. You have been curse to the cause. You deserve death…”

“ Do you know what death is?” Asked Krishnan in mocking voice. “ You people have killed hundreds and thousands of innocent people. You say you people are courageous. You can eat cyanide and end up life if you are captured. Take it now if you have any guts. Haven’t yet you disillusioned? They have been using you and so to me.

“ But you are mindless people. Tell me what ship has arrived and why?”

The LTTE man was in no mood to answer him. He spat again and remained silent.

Krishnan moved back few steps, aimed his gun at the legs of militant and fired.

That man gave a gasping, painful outcry in agonies, shattering the calm of night.

His body curled and shuddered as he cursed.

Krishnan waited.

“ If you don’t tell I shall go on torturing you.”

“ You bastard, a deceiver, why not kill me?”

“ I shall…but then first I shall pain you as much as I can. Tell me where the ship is located?”

“ I don’t know anything. I have just heard about it. It must be in harbor.”

“ What’s its identity?”

“ You never can reach it. You both shall be dead before you reach it…”

“ That’s our problem. Tell us what kind of ship is it?”

“ I don’t know. I haven’t seen it. I just heard about its coming. They say it is a liner of some kind…small…not big as other ships and has arrived here for some kind of immediate crisis they wish to resolve.”

“ When has it arrived?”

“ In the night. I don’t know for sure. Now kill me please.”

Krishnan stood there in moments of grave uncertainty.

“ Throw light at him. I want to see his face…”

Suddenly ordered Krishnan.

I followed his instructions.

He was a man in late twenties, dark and ugly looking.

Krishnan fired a bullet at him.

It hit his forehead and he had instant death as he had pleaded for.







“ What’s up Krishnan?”

“ I don’t know.”

Said Krishnan honestly as he seemed as if a worried man.

“ Everything happening is so weird and incredulous, my brain has stopped functioning. Why someone should risk voyage to this place from India, that too taking a liner? Who could it be? Why he is here? With what?”

I didn’t know either.

“ What difference does it make to us Krishnan?”

“ We shall know friend for our planned meeting very much depends on the current circumstances. Something is going on of vital importance and alas we know nothing of it. We have been shooting arrows in dark for long time. We need some light of knowledge so that our desired impact is achieved. We should not walk that blindly in the landmines. Something is happening of grave importance, cant you sense? They are on run. They are no more in gaming mood. They certainly are damn serious. Something has happened or there is no reason someone reaches this coast from India risking whole game. The person that has landed down here cant be an ordinary hand.

“ Then a question left is why someone is out here in person? What possibly would have happened? We must know it Venu, for our success depends on knowledge as much as we can have on current situation. They are no fools to risk their lives to sail through open when all dangers are surrounding them unless something has happened to shake them off.

“ Someone else too is frightened. There must be threats and Prabhakaran, being a so-called ultimate leader has to salvage the problems. He has to recoup his group and contacts. And ironically all others are dependent on him. What if he does otherwise? There must be a threat of his uncanny wits to his allies. He is a man in open, taking all the risks and so putting all of his fellow-beings life in risk. He must secure his way ahead. World hardly knows what went behind the thick curtains, but the only fact that remains is it was Prabhakaran who signed death sentence for Mr. Gandhi. He must ensure he is safe and can use the trump cards if his life and his mission is put by his allies in danger and yet it seems he too is in dilemma.

“ I don’t know anything…and yet I believe I know too much. I have been with them. I know their traits. I know how and when they plan attack. I know the circle that involves in major decisions. Nothing is single handed. Prabhakaran risks LTTE to satiate wishes of the other powers. He gains what he needs to strengthen his supremacy. He is a power hungry man and if he loses support he is no more. His game is tricky Venu, he had wrong somewhere and he is a dead fish.

“ Venu, this time they have touched hornets nest. They are in trouble. They have to reestablish strained relations whatsoever they may have to steal themselves out of this crisis.

“ To make everybody safe and escape any sort of scandal they need each other and this is my gut feeling.

“ For I know that uneasiness that had plagued higher echelon when they confirmed death warrant for Mr. Gandhi. None was sure whether they were right. And yet they had to do it. The pressures were so mounting that they couldn’t think otherwise and still they were uneasy.

“ And I am sure they still are uneasy. SIT will take its course to find what went wrong. They may take long time to pin blame on culprits but they can’t sit idle. They have to bring evidences of conspiracy before the law, before the government. People wont sit silent over such brutal assassination of their leader, beloved or not. May be that some bought out thinkers and columnists would start indirectly blaming Mr. Gandhi for calling his own death by sending army in Sri Lanka as it always happen in India to pollute public opinion.”

Krishnan paused to inhale new thoughts that inspired him in the night in jungles. I was perplexed as I was so ignorant to know what he said. I never had heard Krishnan so passionate and frustrated and still enthusiast and reeling out thought after thought as if it was a last chance for him to speak out his heart. I thought he also was trying to justify the course of actions he had chosen. I knew he was angry and felt deceived and was trying to extract juice of meaning from dead logs.

And still I knew his anguish, though his convictions might prove wrong, were justified for he was one to suffer and undergo extreme humiliation. It also was true that a leader of a sovereign country was brutally assassinated and how one could say it mere was a violent reaction from a militant group? There must be unknown dimensions to the assassination and there was nothing to do else but to think and discuss as we walked through the dark jungles and had to keep our minds awake as we didn’t had sleep for long time.

“ Think tanks may even call for sever action against LTTE! Why you are so depressed O Krishnan? Why they shall wish otherwise? Wasn’t it a attack on Indian pride sending chills in hearts of the masses? Why they wouldn’t pressurize government to avenge assassination of their leader in order to send right message to those who scheme ugly games? Isn’t it logical for each and one who is Indian?” I asked him as we crossed a flooded stream with extreme care.

Then Krishnan exploded as if in outburst of feelings he had nourished for long time.

“ Do you know almost all the think tanks in India belong to Brahmin community? Brahmin never asks for vengeance for it is not in their coward blood. He prays the power humbly and always is satisfied with his own security, that is the reason India never could succeed in anything in the past. The bloodstained history of slavery in a way was their deed. It were Brahmins who enslaved themselves first to the invaders and taught them principles to rule Indian soul. It were Brahmins who learnt art of deception and misled the Indian psyche! They for thousands of years let rot populace in the heinous dark of illiteracy for their selfish motives. They polluted mindsets of the true warriors so that they should become idle and dance on the tunes of those who thought are custodians of knowledge and religion. So that the community by and large remained unaware of the outside world. Brahmins used the local power to satiate their selfish interests and hollowed the system using religion as a tool. They, when found that the Indian bravery was raped enough useless to act in their gain, they enslaved themselves to the invaders to keep intact their supremacy.

“They poisoned mindsets and preached it was Kaliyuga where outside rule was written destiny by the wits of bygone past. They produced proofs from Purana’s and from Geeta. Who else was there to know whether it was true?

“ But they never sacrificed for the cause. They reaped all the benefits they could from the illiterate race as well from those who needed their wise support to rule this land. They guided foreigners how Indians could be ruled. They used religion as a weapon then and now they use their wisdom in order to defeat all those others tasting fruits of freedom and light of knowledge. There were few visionaries among them but were outcasted soon and prayed them when they found the vision again was at their benefit. They never wanted any visionary from other casts to rise above them. What if mahatma Gandhi were a Brahmin? Would they assassinate him? No. They wouldn’t kill him for his nod to partition!

“ But they killed him for they thought any other caste in India had no right to command the masses as it were Brahmins who by birth had right to do so. They when found the freedom was inevitable and the doors of knowledge were about to open for each and one, whether untouchable or a common man, they formed their unity, with again playing a deceit that they wished to win back the lost glory of Hindu’s. But let me tell you at least Brahmins were never Hindu’s. They wanted to reestablish their supremacy again by confusing rest of the community and seeking their support for in democracy numbers matters. They needed numbers and so they lit the pyre of hatred. They masterminded the schemes in order to pollute and confuse the populace in order to gain back the lost power on wake of the awakening in illiterate masses.

“ Venu, I too am a Brahmin, and yet I hate being a Brahmin.

“ For Brahmins are more treacherous than any other illiterate cast in India. The history is evidence and yet as they have means to write and publish they go on distorting the historical facts. They keep on forcing the suitable inferences of historical evidences to blanket their heinous sins. They can be easily bought. They love USA far more than anyone else in this country. They hated Mahatma Gandhi and killed him. They hated Nehru for his non-aligned policies. They hated India’s friendship with USSR. They were cowards but best in Gobbles policy. They penetrated Indian psyche so deadly that those who never read history could easily debate how Gandhi was wrong! They wish India must be a powerful country, but under their regime. Nobody else has any right to lead the nation to its supreme state, they think. I know for in my community, even when we used to meet other men belonging to other casts, would congratulate them for their grasping and development and in private would laugh saying what those lowly casts were ever going to achieve! And then I would listen to the elders expressing worries, what if these illiterates grab important positions tomorrow! What a hell it would be to work under a low caste officer! What a future their kids were going to have in this unholy country! They would abuse Mahatma Gandhi and Congress. They used to be furious on the issues of partition. But would they ever really in their right senses wage a war against Pakistan even if they were in power?

“ So they had to find out other means. The religion all the time was their domain and they wanted to use it at its full utility. Hence they had to rake up religious issues. They knew how after their milleniums efforts still Indian community was religious and a Brahmin was a living god for it! They said national sentiment, but when they did had national sentiment in the past? What kind of nation they were thinking of? Constructing temples everywhere and loot the faiths of common people was the proof of their making this nation in the past. But when aggressors came, attacked and looted their domains, they were first to surrender. They decorated royal courts of aggressors and praised them and forced others too follow their rally. They said it was Kaliyuga and outside rule was inevitable. Those who raised voice against the oppressors and won were denied with religious rituals. They played heinous games in the past.

“ I am a Brahmin and I hate my caste with every breath. We deliberately denied the right of education to each and all for milleniums. We had utter hatred for equality. We deliberately sidetracked those who could fight.

“ And yes, Rajiv Gandhi’s assassination is in benefit of all those who are dreaming for grabbing the power to their benefit. As long Gandhi family is safe they cant dream of being in power, for Indian community knows their future lies with the sacred principle of true equality. The moles in Indian system are those who think they have born right to change course of Indian current system. They know they must deflate the prominent personalities who believes in equality and communal harmony. In India don’t you see why Ram Mandir issue is so hot? Who has to do with Lord Rama in today’s circumstances? Why rake up dead issues? Who is true and honest follower of Lord Rama? He was a warrior. He was not at all a coward Brahmin! And still the issue is hot in order to not rebuild the temple but to cause disharmony and confuse the mindsets.

“ And they have to make issue of Rama temple.

“ And innocent and ignorant masses follow them. They are unfortunate for they had never a Brahmin idol that could be worshipped all over the country. They had to choose Krishna, Rama or Shiva.

“ The day is not much longer that you will find another kind of fanatics in India, that today inhales breathes in womb. They are the think tanks and they are the people who attempt to cause chaos in mindsets of the people. They always had wild love for USA and most of them are migrating as many of them fear now they mightn’t have stronghold in this land. And still those who are here try hard to infuriate illiterate masses to support their ulterior motives.

“ They are still doing it and shall not stop till they corrupt the blood and spirit of this country.

“ Rajiv Gandhi’s death is not incidental. It at all is not accident or fanaticism of LTTE. It is a doing of ignorant people who never knew what they were doing, inside the India as well outside the India!

“ And still there is a hectic activity out here in jungles of Jaffna when everything is done with. CIA or whatever those were saving our life to their benefit, as we proved useless they sent here us to cause lateral damage and yet they informed LTTE we were in their territory.

“ This all is ridiculous. Hell…I know they are panicked. They must be. There are so many questions that has remained unanswered. I am curious, Venu, let us find answers to the baffling questions before we die.

“ O my friend do not weep over agonies of bygone past. It was all inevitable. Time is lord of all substance. Those who were destined to die have been died. My soul has been died and so was your wife. She is not a sole person to die in those agonies. There have been many from past to present. People die in agonies blaming their misfortune. The people cause it are demonic. We must fight against them till we breathe for last.

“ But we are not at all here to blame time we live in. We here are to avenge in light of knowledge.

“ Lets be united and alert. Lets find what went behind the thick curtains. I am curious. I need to know before I take last breath…”







Krishnan’s excited speech was so intense and so honest I didn’t say a single word. I knew being not a Brahmin, how we had to suffer. What sort of taunts I had to listen when I had exemption from fees in college or schools, being a minority cast! I knew the annual drama competition mostly performed by Brahmins would blame the system for reservations. We were so naïve that we never could fight back with the injustice they did with us since centuries because we were fishermen. We never wrote the agonies and bravery we underwent since centuries while fighting the sea and the custodians of religion. No one was interested in what we suffered and write a saga of our determination to cross the deadly hurdles that were laid down before us by them. We lived and life mattered and life sung eternal song of life to us in all those hardships and negligence of the leading society. They needed us for their needs as they had no other choice but they killed our psyche reiterating that the sins in the past birth that we had committed has received the punishment to be an outcaste. We trusted them. We praised them and called them for religious ceremonies to conduct sacred ceremonials and were happy to have fatter fees in a hope that our next birth will be sacred as all the sins were washed.

Yes, they did it to each caste and reaped all the benefits, not allowing us to enter the fields they commanded.

They denied us right of living enforcing cunning non-violence in practice for they knew it was at their benefit but when a man from other caste raised his voice and followed non-violence and then he mysteriously was at their blame.

And they finally shot him dead!





“ Krishnan, I never befriended you for whether you were Brahmin or anybody else. I liked you. I sensed in you an awakening, though I always felt inferior when I visited your house. I adored you for no other reasons like cast. I always have loved you, no matter what caste you belonged. Your reasoning may be right or wrong and yet there are so many historical facts that point out at brutal distortion of facts. But my friend, it again is other kind of fanaticism that storms within our culture. It has been always prevailed in mankind from ancient times. Each race thinks it is superior over others. They have their own idols and philosophies. Why this racism exists even when the world has entered into scientific era, where only knowledge and wisdom matters?

“ Why, isn’t it this other kind of fanaticism being exhibited by superpowers to gain control over political streams of this subcontinent? They are too ruthless in their functions and aims.

“ We are living in the world of terror. Nothing is stable out here. No values no substance. No morals no truth. Terrorism exists everywhere…may be in tiny fragments or in traces…but still it exists in everyone’s heart. The torments of the past agonies matters no more now as we were victims of our system. The fight going on in this very region is racial but then who possess the wisdom to think and act accordingly to lit the light of humanity? I find ourselves in moral as well personal avenging dilemma.

“ Forget it. Let us find who is there in ship and why it has anchored there. If they are panicked for something unusual they must be frantic to resolve the issues immediately. They will fall for us. They will be soon dead at our hands.”

I was excited, my breath hard and blood rushing through the veins so wildly that it would burst any moment.



It was another hours walk through drizzle and a sloppy land covered by woods. Then I smelled ancientness of wilder sea and surf. The waves, I could hear, were crashing against the shore, resonating wild outcries. As we advanced we saw the dim lights of Kankesanturai, and of the harbor through the curtain of the rains.

I could see many boats anchored in the open sea. None could dare to sail under such calamities of weather. How we were to find that unknown liner of some kind?

“ We will have to take careful search. Let’s first get hold of some launch-boat or trawler. There are many...look at that side. Just we have to sneak in one and get in sea.”

We were ashore in minutes.

Fishermen’s hamlet was spread across the seashore. We circled it and approached a pier where many trawlers and launches were chained.

“ This ship in question may be little away. They just can’t risk anchoring directly in harbor. Lets have a look.”

He inspected couple of trawlers, tied with chains to the wooden stumps. There was calmness of early morning. The hamlet would be soon awake. We had to hurry and sneak out fast. I saw Krishnan inspecting a trawler and the chains and suddenly with the Guns block broke a chain lock, releasing the chains free and jumped in the trawler. I followed him.

“ Now you take charge of helm. I don’t know how to run this machine.”

I knew it very well. I rushed towards the engine room. Pushed the throttle and engine without any trouble came to life. Then I rushed in control cabin…trawler was dancing on the huge waves. I turned the helm and accelerated the speed.

Soon we were penetrating the vast of sea. I was sweating but I smiled as Krishnan came besides me.

“ How simple everything becomes when you are determined.” I said and laughed. “ Now we are murderers, thieves and intruders. It is a fun!”

“ Take straight direction. Visibility is so less. I am sure they wouldn’t risk anchoring straight in harbor. They must be at safer distance awaiting someone to join or to take them to the destination. If there weren’t rains they could have been vanished. But let us see…”





I kept on moving. The east glowed with orange giving myriad hues to the clouds. Seagulls swerved high above catching sacred moments of wet morning. Sea looked dull gray and uneasy. Now we could see for long distances. I looked back; the shore was far away. At the left side I could see some foreign ships anchored and also few Indian. Most of them were liners and few passengers.

But nothing seemed unusual about them. The flags were in order and so the names. Could our friends hiding out in there?





And then Krishnan said,

“ Look at the northwest side. Can you see a ship there? It is far near to the shore…at the curve where no one can think of anchoring.”

“ But still they have risked in anchoring there Krishnan. Coast Guards can easily spot them and cause trouble.”

“ I know…I know…,” said Krishnan urgently, “ This is unusual, I know. And still they have done this. I know there is something on. To risk everything they could. Or there must be some sort of orders from Colombo. Kondathaman can do wonders sometimes, I tell you.”

I turned the trawler not causing much anxiety, as there were chances we were under surveillance.

“ We have to act smart again.” Said Krishnan in urgent voice. “ When I signal you, you fix the helm in northward direction and give usual acceleration. Then we shall dive and swim towards the ship. Waves can make our movement easy.”

I nodded. We couldn’t reach the liner on this trawler. It would call for unwarranted attention and before we could embark on the ship, we would be dead feeding hungry fish in the morning.

And what if this liner wasn’t been what we expected it to be?

But there was so little time to raise doubts.

Now the ship was more visible as it loomed larger. It was medium sized liner, dancing on the waves.

“ We are about half a league far from it.” I said. Krishnan nodded.

“ Just let us carry Revolvers and enough cartridges. Let us leave rest of our goods here only. Now take this spanner…stall the direction northward…. Oh No…you cant…let us see…northwest will do.”

I followed his instructions blindly as no thought could enlighten me.

“We shall jump from other side. First I move from here…then after some time you leave this cabin and lets take a dive.”

Krishnan slipped out. I frantically fixed the helm and adjusted the speed. And then I too sneaked out. Krishnan was ready. He was pushing revolver in T-shirt. He handed me my gun and cartridges. The waves were high. Trawler was moving swiftly at the given direction.

“ Dive”

He yelled and jumped down in vicious waves.

I followed him.



A huge wave engulfed me as I dived. Then I surfaced fighting with the force of nature. I knew the techniques of swimming in the enraged sea. You just have to mount the wave, then you need not to waste energy to be afloat as sea water is hard and then you can swim for miles without exhausting your breathe.

I followed my instincts and mounted a wave.

It was exalting experience that I had. The waters of sea embraced me in its wave arms. The aching body forgot the pains and I looked ahead for another danger to encounter with whatever energy was left within me.

I looked for Krishnan around. He was all right. He too was moving forward with the force of sea.

The liner was nearing wave by wave….













Chapter









It took us about an hour to reach that ship. It loomed so large when I was about hundred meters away. Now I was cautious. I wouldn’t like to get spotted by someone above the deck. I swam burying my head in water and occasionally raised it high to breath and survey.

Slowly we neared the black metal that formed tail of the ship. I could see small portholes and a glimpse of railing. The Ship was weathered with the seasons. It was old and layers of broken paint told me how ancient it could be.

I looked in all directions, trying to fathom the gravity of the time. But what I could hear were the rushing sounds of waves and wind and drizzle. Then I tried to find some mean to get above the deck. I found none.

Then a reminder flashed. The ship was anchored then I could use anchor chain to mount the ship.

Krishnan neared the distance to me. His face was pale in the morning twilight. I sensed how tired he looked. What energy was forcing him ahead I didn’t know. A pity swept in my heart. He was not made for such kind of hard work. There had been long walk and great action last night without sleep. I was used to hardships of life. Being a fisherman many a times I had passed the sleepless nights and that too with fighting with the terror of nature.

Krishnan seemed exhausted.

“ Krishnan, let us swim towards anchor chain. You hold the chain and be afloat in the waters. I shall climb up and find a mean to take you aboard.”

“ No Venu…you don’t know what to find there. You don’t know what a danger you would be walking in. You will be lost. Let me do my job and you just follow me.”

“ Krishnan, this ship may be an ordinary liner. We don’t know as yet whether this is a ship where we might find someone important. This all a is instinctive action we have embarked on. Those soldiers might have been lying. You are tired. You can’t bear any more physical strain.”

“ Do not worry for me. Come on…just let us swim at the anchor chain.”

I said nothing. There was nothing I could argue about. We had no time. We approached slowly and cautiously the back where I saw a huge chain dipped in the sea.

“ Krishnan, give me just half an hours time. Let me go onboard and find whether we are on right ship. I shall signal you then you can climb up. It is not easy to have a grip over this wild iron chain and climb up. It is wet and slippery. I know the tricks that you don’t. Just let’s not waste our energy for futile efforts. Okay?”

He nodded. He really was so tired, even to argue.





I touched the chilled chain. It was wet and slippery as I had conceived. It was large and heavy and so rigid. The ascend of the ship from this side was sharp and allowed no space to place the foot firmly. And I still went ahead. I knew it was important. I clutched the chain in my grip and like a monkey I climbed above till I had to fight with my breaths. I waited for couple of moments and in a breath I again leapt above.

It was a exhausting exercise. But finally I made it. My fingers went numb and paralyzed. My arms too became so heavy just like a wooden log. I was fighting for the breath. Chest I felt was about to give way to solemn death. And still I waited trying hard to control my breath and forget pains in fingers and arms and in legs. I looked inside the ship. To my relief the deck was deserted. The rain didn’t stop, why it was so anxious to breathe so long? Were the Gods in heaven helping us or were the rains entirely against in our favor?

I somehow managed to get hold of that large protruding metallic ring and shoved my body in. It was about five feet down to touch the deck. I first, held the ring tightly, slipped my legs at other side and jumped. Then I looked down in the sea to see Krishnan. He was right there where I had left him…looking at me…though I couldn’t see his expressions.

Then I again surveyed the deck. It was still deserted. I could see numerous drums and coils of ropes and nylons and the containers scattered unruly.

Now I had controlled my anxiety. Heartbeats were coming back to normal. Only disturbing thing was my paralyzed palms. I tried to bring them back in functioning, trying to warm them by rubbing. They still were numb and frozen. I tried to get hold of revolver that I had hidden in my T-shirt. Holding it was a great painful effort as it too was deep freezed.

I started crawling through the mess they had spread on the deck. It hardly took some minutes to reach a protruded portion that might lead me downstairs. The poles and other usual things that you notice on any ship, I neglected and crawled ahead using them as my shelter.

It was a long distance all right but still I sensed no human existence out there. At left side I could see a row of lifeboats. I knew all the important cabins and control rooms would be downstairs so I entered the protruded oblong structure from where I could see steps to lead me down.



As I was about to take my first step, I heard a sound of careless footsteps down the dark staircase. I bounced back behind a table that was affixed at the corner. I held my breath and waited.



Someone was climbing the steps. I was curious to know who were they. But when I saw a barrel of gun rising high and then a head of two men, I bent down instantly to hide myself. I knew Krishnan was right in his assessment. Ordinary liner crew won’t carry guns.

They carelessly climbed up and without sensing anything abnormal that hide about them went over the deck. I could see their careless walk and heard curses from them for the bad weather.





I released my breath.

Now I started to climb down the stairs as stealthily as I could. The revolver was in my alert hand and was ready to shoot instantly if a danger was sensed.

There was none in huge corridor. It was dark out there and corridor seemed like a crawling serpent pronouncing threats.

I knew I must find something that could help us to go ahead in our mission.

I wanted a clue. I needed a suggesting sound. But yet there prevailed the useless and still threatening calm of wintry night in the corridor and behind the closed doors of cabins.

I continued my advance, trying to hear all kinds of possible sounds from each cabin as I proceeded in anticipation.

It was a morning and still there was hardly any activity on this ship.

As if this ship was haunted!

I crawled ahead in great expectation that something useful I may come across. Something weird was all about this ship.





Then I came across a branching of the corridor. I consulted myself, which direction I should take. I could go straight ahead to find Captains cabin. Or I could take left where I could possibly find dining hall. I didn’t know what interior these people had in mind.

I took straight way. I went on moving as silently as possible. There was no sound. No speaking…no voices…no snoring even.

Then I came across a cabin door and heard a commanding voice, threatening to someone. I carefully peeped through the glass.





The scene inside was so shocking I held my breath. I could see five or six gunmen pointing their LMG’s at a man sitting in the chair. No…that bastard was not sitting...he was badly tied up around the chair with thin ropes.

My blood rushed through my veins again to explode in sudden offshoot of outrage.

A mist went on gathering in my eyes. My legs went so lifeless I couldn’t even stand and still I wanted a courage to confront the scene before my eyes.

He was Thyagarajan.

Sitting in a chair, tied up and facing pointed guns at him.

Why?

Why they wished to kill him?

Wasn’t he their trusted man all the time?

Or whether Thyagarajan had defrauded his mentors?

I kept on watching with all my life in eyes.

And then I saw a man in ordinary outfit but in commanding position.

I couldn’t see his face but he was restless and was shouting something at Thyagarajan.





No.

They hadn’t any right to kill that bastard. Only I had that right since he was one who shoved me in the maze of treachery and had killed my life.

I wouldn’t allow them to cheat on my right.

Somehow I had to enter inside.

I had to perform a miracle of bravery.

My eyes were misty now and so was my mind. The fury was overtaking me and no matter whether death or life graces me.

I gripped the handle, lowered my head, and jerked it open and fired blindly.

My rage might have proven me right for, sprawled on floor, I could see four of them gasping for life, shuddered while cursing an unexpected attack.

The rest of them, just a couple, tried to fire at me in shocked reaction. The bullets went tearing apart weak cabin door and shattering the silence of the morning.

I still was safe. I aimed at the man trying to point at me and fired and fired at those all who lay shuddering on the outburst of deadly pains.

Without a sound they went to the death.

Then I aimed at the leader of that occasion who still was dumbfounded and had no weapon at his command. He looked at me frightfully and said something I couldn’t discern. I fired recklessly at him…in his belly…

He shrilled the death and then collapsed on the floor.





I managed to get up somehow gathering remains of my strength. The excitement had consumed my soul. My eyes still were misty in the gathering fog of destiny!

Then I felt I had caught something hot and piercing in my arm that bled profusely and yet it didn’t bother me. Something had hit me, all right!

I looked at Thyagarajan though pains exploded through my anguished body. He too was looking back at me as if he was witnessing a ghost with his ashen face.

“ Save me Venu…please save me…”

So the hysteria was over. He knew it was me and was pleading to save his filthy life to me.

I heard him pleading. And he was a bastard.

“ No, I’m not here to save you scoundrel…I am here to take your life with my bare hands. I wish you rotted in hell forever. You don’t deserve a mans death. You are a worm that eats own flesh and soul.”

I was enraged. I knew how pitiful he looked. I knew how afraid he was of death. I screamed all the possible abuses in cold voice.

“ I’m here to kill you O bastard. You snatched away my life from me. You are the cause of all those calamities that have befallen me. I won’t let you go away…”

“ But O Venu, you are my friend. I have helped you all the time. I am one who has been purchasing your catch for long time. Don’t forget this…”

He was pleading while his eyes bulged with terror. How could he expect he could be forgiven at my hands? Was he in his right minds?

“ Thyagarajan, you are a bastard, scum on this earth. Don’t ever think I can let you breath on this earth.”

“ What wrong have I done to you Venu? I always have been your well-wisher. I…”

“ Shut up.” I was trembling with fury as I roared, “what good you have done to me? You destroyed my life. You burnt my wife alive. You forced me to run away from life to face perils.”

“ No Venu…no…how could I kill her? She was just like a sister to me. I pleaded for her safety…but these people turned treacherous. They now wanted to kill me too…but you have saved me. Now please release me from here…let's go away from here. There is death haunting from all sides…Please Venu, don’t kill me. Trust me…”

Hatred for this man within me was exploding. I held revolver tightly in my sweaty hands and aimed at him.

Before I could pull trigger, I heard Krishnan-





“ Stop Venu.”

Why he had to interrupt my verdict to this bastard and end up my fight?

Why he said this in pained voice? I slowly turned at him to have another stroke of a shock. He was bleeding…his body was drenched with blood. His steps were unbalanced and still he was advancing at me.

“ What happened Krishnan? Why you did not wait for me?” I asked in a desperate wail, not trusting my eyes.

“ How I could I leave you alone Venu? Aren’t we soul mates? Wait…give me something to seat.”

I frantically looked around. A wooden chair was in a corner. I rushed at it and brought it for Krishnan. I helped him to seat. He moaned as the pains shot up. He had caught numerous bullets in his body. He was bleeding like the waters pouring out from the beaten bag. Any moment he could faint and collapse.

A terror of losing him had caught my hold so badly that I couldn’t think of anything.

“ Why you did so O Krishnan? Why you didn’t wait for me till I could have my revenge? This is none but the bastard that has eaten my soul!”

I wailed in deep agonies. I kept on touching him…hugging him…trying to bring back him in awakening.

“ You need a doctor…we must go away from here…”

“No”

He said in a firm voice, shoving off my hand from his shoulder. “ I am alright. Do not worry. I can see and can listen. They were two…suddenly they shot at me…somehow I opened for them the gates of hell. But it seems life is flowing out of me now and what a bliss it is!”

He was tired. He was as if in the cruel jaws of death.

Now he was watching Thyagarajan intently and as if now he realized what went on here.





“ Now tell me Venu, who is this bastard?” he asked in drained voice.

“ Thyagarajan.” I hurried back to answer.

Krishnan nodded, still holding his gun in his left hand.

“ So you are Thyagarajan!” said Krishnan in his weak but vicious voice. “ You were about to die it seems to me now before we could get hold of you. Just like that you people had voted to eliminate me. I didn’t do anything wrong that could warrant a death sentence against me and yet they tried that. Now tell me on what charge you had earned the death sentence?”

Thyagarajan flapped his eyelids incoherently, not grasping where these sudden movements would lead, said,

“ They thought I was treacherous too. But trust me…I didn’t do anything untoward. Release me. I shall help you both to get back safely. I still have many a contacts reserved for such kind of emergencies.”

“ What did you do Thyagarajan?”

Asked Krishnan, as if he hadn’t heard him.

“ I told you I didn’t do anything. They were blaming me for treachery. They thought I was the man who brought in Chinese by selling them the information they needed. They say I leaked information to Chinese sources due to which their plans did come under danger to sidetrack their friends. They say due to me they were forced to change all the policies suddenly and had to form other truces they didn’t want”

“ So you say you didn’t play around with Chinese?”

“ I swear I never did involved myself in such tricky games. However I knew, China always wanted to reestablish old relations with us. Several times in the past there had been incidences of bribing our key people. These people were watching very closely the developments in this part of world for obvious reasons. They wanted LTTE at their command badly. I knew that.

“ But trust me…my life is at your mercy…I shall never lie…I never had anything to do with the Chinese. And see, still they were blaming me for leaking information that brought Chinese in the present circumstances to allow them to reap advantages of the new conditions. I wonder what Chinese has to do with present crisis we are in!

“ It is ridiculous to blame me…a devotee of cause and interests of Tamil race, I have been for years you will be tired to count. I am dreamer of Tamil Ealam. I joined them to be of some use to the cause. I risked my bloody life for them. I smuggled weapons and drugs and men and what not? I was though a deeply afraid man inside within all the time while doing so. What if I am caught? What if I am killed in encounter and what about my family then? And still I consoled myself that even if I die for the cause and the day the dream comes true we saw together, a ray of hope that they will treat us as martyrs and would write history in golden ink.

“ Yes…Krishnan, I risked everything as I had the cause and the organization to give way to my feelings. I worshipped my leader like Shiva and Ranganathan. He was a deity to me!

“ And still they can dare to question me how I leaked core information to Chinese. How they can? Bastards…bastards they are…they cant do anything good for Tamil or for humanity…”

I wanted to laugh and then shower bullets at that excited bastard.

Which humanity he was talking of?

I looked at Krishnan.

His lips quivered. He leaned forward and looking straight at Thyagarajan, asked,

“ Tell me, how comes that you are on this liner? Tell me, why originally you were asked to come here and why via a ship? Why not plane? You, I know are not at all on the suspects list of Indian government. If at all you to wanted be here or they summoned you, you could have reach here by easier means. Or if at all they have forced you to come, why this liner? Who owns this? What it is carrying?”

I found no sense in these questions. It made no difference why he took this mean of transportation. And yet I waited, cursing Krishnan for wasting time. He needed medical aid. He could not afford wasting of time when he had none.

“ There you are Krishnan.” Said Thyagarajan. “ Eight days ago I received message that I must be onboard of a liner to supervise a covet shipment. The liner…this liner Krishnan is carrying in my knowledge RDX and some machinery that can print counterfeits. They said my presence was necessary onboard for the leader of this mission got sick and they wouldn’t trust his team members looking at the importance of the contents this liner was carrying.

“ I trusted them because they told me this liner was scheduled to depart from Calcutta and the exchange of original goods was to take place in middle of the sea. The most of the crew they said were Bangladeshis you wouldn’t trust.

“ They said and I believed as I too knew after assassination Indian Navy and coast guards were on deadly alert. But our fellows needed ammunition and money out here, I accepted to risk for them.

“ I knew while shipping such kind of explosives and incriminating machinery to Sri Lanka, that too in dangerous circumstances needed an expert to lead the voyage. They knew I am expert of this part of ocean. I know its moods and I know the geography well than anybody else. And I know the people whom I am supposed to transact the materials.

“ So I accepted. I thought this was a genuine order and I thought honored to execute it. Three days ago I joined this ship. I found nothing unusual in behavior of these colleagues that now lie dead on the floor of this cabin. I freely roamed everywhere. I even had a look at that packed machinery and RDX. Everything I found in order. I had no reason to suspect till we reached last night on this shore and no in middle of the sea transaction had taken place that made me feel that I had been deceived. They wanted to punish me for the crime I didn’t commit. They forced me to walk in their regime and while doing so got a task accomplished. The consignment was well in their territory and safe.

“ Krishnan and O Venu, trust me for I am telling the truth and truth only. Let us move from here first. I promise to appraise you with all the facts that I know…delaying here may cause death to all of us. Please…”

“ Don’t worry for our death. Just try to worry about yourself. I believe you are on truth mood so now tell me, I am sure you know, why I was framed?”





Krishnan inhaled a deep breath as he asked…just trying to prolong his last moments…I knew. It frightened me and now I knew I was totally out of picture. Personal vendettas had to be scored now. Krishnan was wounded eternally by the blame he had to carry for weeks or months. He seemed anxious to know why he was framed. He didn’t want to know why I was pulled in this warfare I didn’t belong and unnecessarily had to lose life of my beloved who was breathing a new spring within her. Nobody seemed bothered about my tragedy. They had lot many issues to deliberate under the shadow of the death. They were talking about truth and false accusations. What wrong ever I had done to anyone? Then why this punishment? I didn’t ever commit any crime that could even attract attention of the harbor police. But still nobody paid any attention at me.

But it was now Okay as I knew nothing was going to be altered. I knew the only destiny was responsible for my destruction than this gang of ugly people. I always had trusted in God Almighty that made me discern that this was all so temporary and so unimportant and that my agonies were to be punished at the hands of God.

Now he seemed only my supporter. The God!







“ I’m not worried for my death and still how earnestly I wish I am alive!” Sighed Thyagarajan and continued,

“ I’m worried about what is happening all around. I am worried why they wanted me to connect with Chinese leaks. I doubt if there is any…”

“ There you are wrong. They are not just worried but panicked. There are hectic activities storming in this island. Yes…they are panicked. There must be the reason and that’s why before they could find who was real traitor, they needed a victim. You were a right man sailing in their territory. They needed a victim and you were a right man to accuse and punish with and ratify the situation whatsoever it is!

“ There are moles everywhere. But tell me why I was framed?”

Krishnan leaned back. He moaned. He shivered. He gasped for a breath. I leaned over him, caressing him,

“ O Krishnan, please don’t raise any question now. It is so useless…it doesn’t make any sense now. We should have taken advice of Himani and have gone back. Back to any other destination or to death we have been playing with. Relax. Nothing makes sense. It all is so irrelevant now! Its all so treacherous!”

“ I want to know…”

“ Don’t be a fool! You never would know what was the truth and what were the lies. Truth keeps on playing its myriad games with us. Yesterday we were discussing US connection so fiercely and now this is new Chinese connection mocking large at us. What these outside countries have to do with the internal matters of our country? And still we never would know what induced death of Mr. Gandhi. You shall never know who was responsible for your or my disaster. May be the men behind the curtain would remain safe forever and we kill those who just were mere a front!

“ Awake O Krishnan, I implore on you, come back to your genius senses. Try to fathom how fathomless is this sea of treachery and life. I know this man Thyagarajan is bastard. He recklessly has been doing wrong to the society. And so much wrong is happening with this lame society at the hands of such people.

“ Wake up…let us go to some Doctor. Let me nurse you now.”

I cried for a crazy man and I knew he wouldn’t listen.



“ Forget your Chinese connection. Tell me, why I was framed? Why?”

Krishnan was not ready to stop.

Thyagarajan licked his lips and said,

“ Let me brief you of some obscure happenings that you might be unaware of.

“ When that plan was executed to utter satisfaction, after previous attempts in north India, we failed in our attempts to ship main obvious suspect Shivarasan to safer place and then we received orders not to establish any contact with him. Our hands were tied and had to sit tight waiting what decision they might take. The pressures were mounting. Varadrajan too was worried. We wanted Shivarasan away for the heat was so tense. Indian coast guards had sealed the shores. No unauthorized ship or even a boat could sail in the open seas. There was red alert. Everybody was so scared.

“ Shivarasan too must be uneasy and so must be Shuba on the mounting heat. And then suddenly ray of light emerged as we were informed, Krishnan you, would be coming and take this pair to safe haven. We were relieved. We never wanted to know where they were to be taken. We knew how SIT was hunting the places and employing all kind of tricks to find real culprits.

“ That’s why Krishnan you came in this picture. You landed the coasts of Kerala and traveled to Madras and then you taking the hold of situation transported Shivarasan and Shuba to Karnataka, though we didn’t know the destination then. Meanwhile the couple got married as they too might have suspected of a looming death!

“ I do not know what went between you and that couple. When you were back to Madras we were ordered to make arrangements to ship you back to this coast. Varadrajan was handling this task and I had to bring Venugopal in picture, as I knew he would accept this assignment owing to his past and he had spotless record and had a trawler.

“ And then, when you were already in the deep ocean, I received orders that shocked me. I was ordered to inform the hideout of Shivarasan to the authorities just the way they briefed me.”

I shot my glance at Krishnan in utter shock.

But his face was expressionless, as if nothing surprising was being disclosed to him.

“ I was perturbed when I had these orders and briefing on how I was to leak the little news. I demanded confirmation over and over again and they said the orders were from Prabhakaran and couldn’t be altered. I knew I had to follow their instructions or I would be calling for my own disaster. Suddenly a truth dawned upon me. They wanted both dead, for reasons best known to them. Everybody knew in case of attempted arrest, neither Shivarasan nor Shuba would surrender alive. And so it truly happened when Police surrounded their residence on my information, both embraced the death.

“ Now they needed a person on whom the blame of treachery could be stamped. They readily had you, Krishnan, walking in the trap so innocently, unaware of what took place in the higher circles.”

Thyagrajan paused to rearrange his heavy frame entangled in ropes. I was gasping for fresh air. I was suffocated by these naked truths that I would never know in my ordinary life. All those were bastards that played heinous games with the innocents. Krishnan was sitting calm and prepared.

“ I never was satisfied with the instructions. Meanwhile you both had escaped the trap laden for your death. I desperately wanted to know why they wished Shivarasan dead. Must be there was some obvious reason. So I started my little exercise. I tried all the possible means that I could find, keeping myself in less susceptible condition. Then I landed on a grave truth. It came to me as a shock. It frightened me. No more I was dealing with the Tamil pride. Suddenly my being a soldier to the cause and all my doings were proving fruitless and stupid. I was mere a pawn in the ugly game of hypocrite bastards.”

He stopped and looked at Krishnan in pitiable manner. He was desperate and yet he seemed so composed.

“ What did you find?”

“ Krishnan, try to guess.”

“ Guess? Why should I when you are in my custody and under threat of the death?”

“ Krishnan, I know you desperately need to know what went wrong and why. I have told you enough to let you understand how you were victimized. But my friend, truly speaking, I am now sure they too know what I know and that’s why they have called me here. That’s why they wanted to kill me. The Chinese connection is misguiding. The fact is they just want to kill the truth.

“ Now I wish you guess…”

Krishnan closed his eyes in deep pains. I patted his shoulder to soothe him. Then he opened his dizzy eyes in stark reality.

“ My guess? You want to know?

“ I suspect a foul play. I am trying to understand why Shivarasan was anxious to marry Shuba. He, I feel, didn’t marry her for the sake of love or a romance under the looming death. He knew he would be safe and would be soon transported again to another safe place and then abroad somewhere. He had ensured his safety before he involved himself in the mission where all sort of danger gates would be wide open. He needed his safety assured and no leaks of his whereabouts in any extreme possibility. He had been promised everything he demanded. Then why was he so anxious? What he was afraid of?

“ Why he needed Shuba in his entire control as a wife?

“ I feel…rather I doubt he was up something else. He wasn’t ready to trust any of his superiors. He had different plans, needed Shuba’s cooperation badly to execute them. He wanted to ensure his safety in his own way. He couldn’t do it all alone. He was one-eyed man, very easy to spot. He needed Shuba in his confidence and what would be best way to do this but marrying her?

“ But I do not know what was up his mind. What security path he had discovered, I do not know. Why he didn’t trust security plans laid by his superiors, I do not know. Now…tell me…was he in touch with some other party that could use him to their benefit, assuring him entire safety he needed forever?

“ Or whether he had altogether different plans I can’t guess? Tell me…”

Thyagrajan nodded.

“ Yes…he had decided to decamp. He doubted whether he would be safe at the hands of our people. Now he knew what wrong he had done. He had decided to say good bye to this country with the help of others. But to my shock this help he had arranged was from a media tycoon. He had decided to disclose the story and was promised in barter to get new identity and safe life in the country no one would ever think of. He had chosen Sri Lanka to migrate!

“ He was a brilliant chap. But one never knows what tragedy befalls over the brilliant ones. He must have planned everything meticulously to every detail with highest possible secrecy. But unfortunately, nothing remained secret, his plans were known to our superiors or at least they suspected Shivarasan turning dangerous.

“ Whatsoever that might have happened, but the fact is, he had to die. He had to swallow cyanide pill after shooting Shuba.

“ This is what I know from my sources, better I wouldn’t have tried them. I even don’t know whether the information was disclosed to me was entirely true and not stained with untruth. I am sure now the same sources have leaked my discreet inquiries to them. But they don’t know what I know about the secret arrangements of Shivarasan. They wanted to know it…they wanted to silence me for my unsolicited knowledge. They wanted to seal all the possible leaks. They had me right by my balls…

“ Now Krishnan, you have what you wanted. Better option is that instead of killing me use me for your safe passage. I’m sure you need me…release me from these ties…”

“ Yes…I’m about to do that.” Said Krishnan in weak a voice. The blood was still oozing from his wounds. His face was pale and voice staggering.

“ No one can dodge the responsibility of the once committed deeds.” Continued Krishnan, “ We all are fools. We lead our life to hell with all these stupidities. Life is not property of an individual. All of us are being sailed through the river of death in a tiny…very weak dinghy of life.

“ Our dinghy is now about to shatter and drown in the river of death. Shouldn’t we rather jump in the river Thyagrajan?”

What Krishnan was talking about? Was he swooned on the boundary of life and death?

“ I must say you too are a bastard. The amusing stories you tell cant entertain me for Varadrajan too had his version to tell me why I was framed and see none of the version matches. Nothing makes sense. Not then or not now. The truth still is far away and alas you can not quench my thirst for truth. I am tired with you insensuous people. Everything is blurred with craziness that I can smell all around. Ridiculous things have been happening when cohesion was expected. But it is meaningless now to debate over all these stupidities. I never shall know ever what the truth was!

“How cruelly you could burn Janaki alive. Not a drop of humanity ever trickled in your bustard heart when you ordered so. You were the only man in command after death of Varadarajan. You could have let her go. But you still wished to be honest with your treacherous commanders. This is time for you Thyagrajan…to go to hell…for whatever you did to an innocent woman who then was breathing a new life within her.”

And then, fainting Krishnan somehow raised his revolver and fired at wildly protesting man.

The bullet hit Tyagarajan’s throat. Blood spurted drenching his ugly body. He shivered…he grunted in disbelief and then he was a silence man in his eternities.

I bowed over Krishnan and tried to communicate my gratefulness through my passionate touch. I saw his eyes swirling…whitening…in a valley of approaching death.

“ We must get out Krishnan…you need a doctor…you need to rest…now everything is over.”

I tried to lift him from the seat and put him on floor. I had nursed him before also, but now his body was becoming cold so rapidly that my mind was bursting with fright. I tried to rip out his T-Shirt…his shoes…

I knew I must hurry or he would faint. I tried to assure him while observing his wounds. The bullets were treacherously penetrated his organs ripping apart the flesh. My courage was giving way. Ghastly numbness was catching hold of me.

And then there was a light shudder in his body…he was not listening to my outcry…so cruel he was becoming…

“ Krishnan…” I shouted trying to bring him back to life.

There was a slight movement of his eyeballs. I knew now all was in vain. The blood under his slick body was darkening. I sat on my knees in desperation. Tears had dried up. Throat was trembling in agonies. He was looking straight at me with lifeless eyes.

Death had taken him away in some unknown realms. He had ditched me. his promises were in vain.

I collapsed on the floor.





Chapter





I don’t remember for how long I too was dead. But then I heard a movement about me. I opened my eyes. I could see the man in white dress wounded in stomach was crawling towards me. When he saw I was conscious he tried to raise his gun at me. I, before he could fire, pointed my gun at him and said,

“ Get up…”

He moaned and fired. The bullet hit the wooden partition spraying wooden flakes.

“ Get up or I shall kill you…drop the gun…”

He seemed unsure of his strength.

He grunted and said, “ I can’t. I’m wounded in stomach.”

I helplessly looked at the corpse of Krishnan. He lay still. I knew now I was on my own. Now I didn’t have his expert guidance and consolation. How I alone was supposed to conclude our avenging mission? So little I did know of this area and enemy. Thyagrajan was killed. My personal vendetta was concluded. But was it so? After all he just was a pawn! He had acted on the orders of his superiors. I needed his superior’s death to quench my thirst.

But how I was supposed to do this? I had been till this moment following wisdom of Krishnan. He was now no more. I was alone and tired. I was mourning. I looked at the man still gazing at me like a dying serpent at mongoose.

“ Tell me, is there still someone on this ship?”

He took long time to understand what I asked.

“ How could there be?”

“ Then you must gather all the energy left in you and let us try sail.”

“ Impossible…I can’t do this. Cant you see I am dying and no energy left in me?”

“ I will carry you to the control room. I shall nurse you with all the possible medication you do have onboard. You must cooperate me or you are dead.”

He deliberated with himself in an event of the approaching death. He knew he had no choice. He must have thought of some way to cheat on me even if he was a dying man but to execute his plans he needed to prolong his death for a while. He knew he needed medicines. He had no choice but to assist me still he had recovered his strength to find some way to outsmart me. But now I didn’t care. I needed him.

“ I can’t walk.” He said.

“ It hardly matters. Better to take some pains than asking for the death. I shall assist you but do not try foolish games or you are dead.” I was trying to threaten him unnecessarily.

“ Where you want to sail?”

“ In entrance of river Fanoma.”

“ You must be crazy. The river is flooded and the weather is so worst!”

“ It doesn’t matter. You must obey me.”

“ If you want to die with me, I don’t have any problem…but I need medication first. I am bleeding to death.”

“ Don’t worry…”

I said and got up.







It was a heavy task to help him on his feet and then force him walk towards control room. He cursed me as a wave of pain rushed within him, but it hardly mattered for I too was a pained man. I needed some expert to assist me. I never did have captained a ship of this size.

He guided me to a room where he said first aid was abundantly available. Then why didn’t I try it for Krishnan? Why was he so desperate to know the truth? What good truth brought to him? What kind of satisfaction it did provide him? But its time that takes its toll when time has arrived!





Now I had nursed his wounds and had given him painkillers, assuring him, he will be all right. He seemed comfortable and resuming the senses. He was still cursing me reiterating I was a person about to die. I said I don’t care. Then he laughed. He was a dark man in his late thirties. I asked his name and he said he was a nameless person. He requested me, if he could sail me and drop me wherever I wanted and in case of my capture I should not disclose who sailed me to that area. He wanted to be sure for his safety on the threshold of death. I wanted to laugh at him but did not. How one gets so hopeful and scheming when he finds a ray of hope, he starts planning and scheming. He starts thinking how he can come out of the maze and find his own safe way. But all right…it didn’t matter for now. I somehow wanted to get in river Fanoma and find the location where the expected guests were to have little gathering. I still was hopeful the trick of Krishnan would succeed somehow. I didn’t know what if they know this game already and wait on me? But it didn’t matter now. I had been now a dead man alive.





When the man in white dress (was it white now?) seemed little recovered. I forced him to the control room. He said he just would guide me and sit in the chair. I didn’t mind. He instructed me how to lift anchor with the buttons and levers. I followed his instructions. The rain had stopped and vision was clear. I could see the coast so clearly and so near it almost frightened me. I wanted to get away from the shore. Then the wounded man guided me how to start engines and speed up the ship. I frantically followed his guidance.

“ You too are frightened, aren’t you?”

He asked in despicable voice. I wanted to spit at him…kick heavily in his wound…but controlled my fury.

“ Why should I be frightened?”

“ You know this is a fight no one can ever win. Better if you can take my advice, let us turn ship to Indian coast. You will be safe. If I deport you wherever you want to then I shall be all alone and in this condition of mine you know well I can not maneuver this ship. I am a wounded man and am at loss of strength. Where you desire to get off, is land of mines. You never know what hits you out there. They are everywhere. They are wise enough to guard their forts. Listen to me, you can not win this war. You are alone…so useless it is to attempt suicide.”

I said nothing. Nothing could discourage me. I knew my sole destination. I knew I had to reach out there somehow and find them.

I glanced thoughtfully at the wounded man in cold fury. He tried to smile that pained him. I laughed incoherently and said,

“ You will be safe and alive. Why not sit quiet for sometime and gather strength as much as you can?”

He said nothing. I took charge of helm and looked ahead at the gray sea.





Buzzing of transmitter almost startled me. Someone wanted to contact this ship.

Who could be this?

I pointed my gun at my companion and asked viciously,

“ Who is this?”

“ I don’t know. May be they are calling from the base to know what has happened to Thaygarajan.”

I nodded. It was probable. I decided to neglect the call. It beeped for long time and then it went dead. Again after a while it started again to irritate me.

“ Answer it or they will suspect something is wrong.”

“ Then you speak to them…don’t play smart or you are killed.”

“ I tell you, you are driving yourself to death. Nothing is there you can do about it. Listen to me, just let’s get away from here.”

I looked at him thoughtfully. The beeping was piercing my heart, maddening me. I turned my gun at transmitter and shoot. The instrument embedded in wooden body went to pieces. The sound stopped. I looked ahead to see crowding waves of sea beast. The rain was now incessant. I sat on the chair and closed my eyes for moments.

“ What is your name?”

I asked him in a weak voice.

“ Why you need my name? It is immaterial. You have almost killed me and you know I can not sail this ship alone in this condition. I need crew or assistants. Weather is worst. You are on suicidal move. I wish you turned the helm elsewhere. They are everywhere. So alert they are!”

“ How deeply you are involved in this?”

“ Oh! It’s minor. We just smuggle the things for anybody those can pay. This is not first time I ever have been to this sea. Hardly I know what we ship…nobody except few people know it. Secrets, you know?”

I wanted to laugh on this bastard.

“ But you were questioning Thyagrajan. Why? Unless you were the leader and connected with LTTE, how come you could question him?”

He sat expressionless for some time and then suddenly said,

“ I heard what he told you, you know? I was semi-conscious when he was telling you a long story, fabricated with all smartness! I was not asking him anything of Chinese or whatsoever connections he had. What did I have to do with his being treacherous to his belonging? I just am ordinary smuggler, has nothing to do with LTTE or anything!

“ I simply was questioning him about his covert communication that he established from this same transmitter last night when he had a chance to sneak in unobserved.

“ We are in the business where we have to be cautious. We can not simply let anyone use our system without authorization. And he was not authorized person. He simply was representing the other side party. The men you have killed were all ours. I just wanted to threaten him before he was deported, to know with whom he talked and why? Couldn’t he ask my permission? That’s the reason we delayed his departure telling them the weather was bad and we couldn’t risk his life.

“ What he told you about our questioning was a well fabricated yarn…! We nowhere are related with LTTE except the little transportation helps that we provide them in return of little money. What the hell we have to do with his secret knowledge of Shivarasan’s motives or of Rajiv Gandhi assassination? We are the people just minding our own business.”

He was tired while speaking. I felt the effect of painkillers was about to over.

Was he telling the truth?

I suspected and yet his reasoning was right if thought.

Then why Thyagrajan told us different story?

But it hardly mattered now, for he was dead and had satisfied Krishnan’s soul.





“ May be you are true. These people are scum I hate of. I too just am ordinary man got involved in this mess for no fault of mine.

“ Do you know I have lost my wife. She was pregnant. They burnt her alive.

“ For none of my fault. I never was a hand of fanatic fractions. I never had sympathy for their treacherous and merciless paths. I too minded my own business. I fished in the vast of the sea and tried to accomplish my dreams with sheer hard work. My dream was to earn as enough to buy more trawlers, to employ many sailors and one day hand over my hard earned business to my educated son for he need not to fight with the harshness of life as I had to.

“ But see, what a cruel game destiny plays with us! Didn’t the same happen with you too? Yes. You were sailing this ship with minor or major objective, so sure and confident of safe unobstructed return. And see now all your men are dead and you are wounded. You too are afraid of the death looming large above and so was I! Death…no one desires in his right mind. We tend to forget its very existence and see how close he always is with you! In fact he walks along with you all the time since you are born.

“ All lies! No truth I ever have found in this quest. You too are lying and so the rest of the world is lying. All the hypocrites keep on lying and we trust them…we listen to them with all faith and praise.

“ Isn’t the life we live is full of illusions? The truth is untruth and love to mankind no more is love. A hatred…all over hatred I despise and still am I too is a fool that thinks somewhere exists the truth! I think it is beckoning me and I rush at it with all the might and possess dreams of tomorrow when everything is so uncertain!

“ See, you know you are about to die. The offshoot of pains is troubling you. Then bastard why tries to breathe the stolen moments off the destiny?

“ Why not die just like an innocent child in womb of my Janaki? Why you try to convince me with your queasy ideas? Why I should I serve you with painkillers, eh? Why should I nurse you and prolong your filthy death?

“ You deserve a simple death. Just try to get up…O no…you will collapse and that will cause you more pains. Just sit there and don’t move. I will not cause you more pains anymore. Death is a welcome.”

With this I got up, gripping metallic weapon in both the hands. The man sitting in the chair looked at me in sudden astonishment. “ You must be crazy…” he tried to say. His filthy words enraged me and I shot.

He looked at me in disbelief and horror. His eyes bulged and then he closed the eyes to let out final outcry.

Then he was silent like a dead man.







I was sitting on the chair in dazed condition for, I don’t know how long. Then I realized ship was heaving heavily. I looked ahead and found, I was about the coast in shallow waters that I shouldn’t have done. I got up erect and moved the helm in other direction. There was an unmatched fight with the enraged nature but somehow after exhausting me, ship was stable again.

What I am supposed to do? Could I ever avenge them?





Then I glanced at the map. Fanoma River was just about few leagues away now. I looked at the coast through the veil of rainy weather. Then I remembered my friend who was lying dead like orphan in that cabin. My heart throbbed and cursed me. I fixed the helm and then ran crazy towards that cabin.





The scene of cabin was same but reference frame of mind was different. The cabin appeared as if a nightmare. Nothing was true. Everywhere blood was spread…drying...coagulating…darkening…and amongst it were numerous bodies I failed to count. A thick curtain of meaningless pains blocked my vision. So this was the room I left. It looked dreary. It smelled of death. It sung of death. And it sent chills of fear within me.







So this was a morgue where death sung eternal songs!

And amongst other bodies somewhere lied body of my soul. I tried to look at him. He was still in the chair. Just like an innocent child he was in deep sleep. How could he die? He was just in deep sleep. I approached him. I did touch him with my existence. I said,

“ Wake up O Krishnan, we are just near…do not worry…everything is under control.”

Then I looked up at him in anticipation for his response. He said nothing. He uttered nothing. His jaws were dropping. His face was blood studded. His left hand was hanging in oblivion.

How could he ditch me? How couldn’t he respond to my calls? How he could die just like ordinary people? He was supreme…





But I knew he was dead. Insects or enemy shouldn’t torture his body if at all they captured us. He must be in safer hands…sea deity must take his caring. Sea is so eternal and so forgiving, that all those can reach its bottom attain supreme life after death.

So I took him in my arms. His limp body made me cry. But still he was in my arms. I lifted him carefully, trying not to cause anymore pains, and started for deck.





The sky was overwhelmed with agonies…I know. It cried through the drops of the rain. The soft touch of caressing universe softened my agonies. Then again I looked at Krishnan. His face was being washed out by torrents. So clearly visible he was then. And so lifeless!

I kissed him, said something that I don’t remember today as I lifted him high above the rails with all my might and then released him to hit surface of the embracing waves and then for a moment I could see his drowning face and at last he was in the realms of sea.







Then I rushed like a maddened man towards the staircase.





When I crossed Pedro, though it again was a small harbor, I turned helm towards south. Coast was visible to me. Now it was almost afternoon. I knew the meeting was fixed for evening. I wanted to reach the post before it was too late.

I tried to speed up applying all my knowledge and courage. I knew I was at a loss of time. I knew not where the secret fort existed. I had to try hard my luck. And luck had already deceived me.





The sun was hanging on western horizon behind the dark clouds when I approached opening of the river. The huge wall of water stood ahead where rivers force and sea’s force clashed. It appeared as if it was impossible to penetrate this wall. The roar of beasts was on crescendo. And against it was my will and power of this ship.

I geared up the power…I accelerated the speed and controlled the helm at unbelievable accuracy. And then I could see a tiny ship was breaking in through the wall, as if to drown its existence and then it hoisted, it slowed down in surrenderance and then it emerged out there to greet the mouth of the river.

The reddish water was rushing in like the avenging beasts. The dense plantations covered the shores of the river. I tried to take right course. The force of the water was so high that even after putting all the engines at their all strength, the speed was so less. I had to fight back this force and reach…

But where I was about to reach? How far I had to move in the mouth of this vicious river? Krishnan didn’t tell me. He said little in…means what? I knew not and with growing fog, visibility was lesser and lesser. Rushing mass of water was deadly. I couldn’t afford to hit the shores, as it now was such a narrow passage.



Then I felt I was listening to some unique and yet known hum in the sky through the noise of waters and rains. I tried hard to look around. Everything was so usual. Then I glanced in the sky. I could see the twinkle of the lights and whir of a chopper. It was descending somewhere in jungles. What a helicopter was supposed to do in this area and in weather like this? There must be a base where it is about to land, I inferred as nothing else came to me.

I watched the helicopter lowering in woods, so intently that my eyes pained. All right…I was somewhere near to the destination and the arrival of this helicopter meant the meeting was scheduled as Krishnan desired.

I fought with the waters. The river was flooded. It was reckless. I had to find some place where I could anchor this huge ship safely…a probable mean of my retreat.







I wasn’t afraid. Insanity had captured me in its clutches. I had not much time left. I had to enter the premises where these bastards were gathering on fake notification. Before they could realize they were fooled I had to reach there. I had to kill them and go back if possible.

So where I thought this ship would sustain the vicious forces of waters and could wait for some time, I anchored it. It wasn’t very nice place but I hadn’t any choice. I had to release the rope ladder and step down and then swim against the coastal forces to land. Then I started hurriedly towards the destination that I had figured out myself.





Destiny was against me from all directions. The jungle was muddy and slippery and full of thorny creepers that made my advance difficult and painful. I wanted to run and leap ahead as fast as possible before it was too late and yet the deceitful jungle slowed down my pace. I was cursing, holding carbine in right hand and trying to move branches and creepers that obstacled my way. I cursed God for creating so many hurdles in my life.

The rain was incessant and heavy. There were so many streams that rushed in terrible force at the river. I don’t remember now how I passed that deadly distance.







There was open space where I stood in silence with exploding heart and lungs I watched the scene ahead. Dusk was fallen and the darkness was instant but there were lights that could make surrounding visible. There were at least three buildings built in L shape. The building in middle was large and couple of jeeps was parked in front. There was a watchtower and I could spot the armed guards, so alert and watching. Down on the ground, just about hundred meters away from me was helicopter looking just like a toy. There were no guards around that relieved me from the looming tension.

I decided instant strategy to move ahead and enter the main building. I was so sure now that the Prabhakaran and Kondathaman were inside that building. I started circling the opening keeping myself in woods. I crossed watchtower with thudding heart but no one did suspect my existence. I kept on moving forward so that I could reach nearest spot from where I could easily walk in and reach that building.

They must be so sure of security of this place. How they could ever dream that a man could walk in through the flooded waters of Fanoma River and take such a deadly walk through dangerous woods?

I stood under a tree watching the main building carefully. I could spot a guard waiting on the door smoking bidee and the light reflected on the gun he held. I looked around. There was no one to alarm me. Whether I had reached right place, a doubt cropped in me.

But helicopter had landed here and I could not imagine any other entity using helicopter to reach this place unless he was important. The area was under rule of LTTE and no one could reach here unless he was a welcome guest.

Even then the casualness about the atmosphere troubled me.





But I had no time to deliberate with myself. I looked around again and then started straight march at the main building as if I too was an integral part of the atmosphere. My heart was racing with lightening speed. Any moment my courage would have given up but then I just thought of Krishnan and stepped ahead. I was waiting for sudden gunfire or some orders but nothing did happen. There was darkness now and in heavy rains visibility was so weak.

I reached the main building where the guard stood in the veranda. I don’t think he saw me intruding. I waited beside the pillar where roof water was trickling making loud noise. I crept slowly behind the negligent guard, raising gun high above to hit him hard and as I did so, he collapsed just like a sack releasing a faint moan that remained unnoticed in the rainfall.





I entered through door to face a dimly lit long corridor. I walked in, tightening the grip over the gun aiming in oblivion in anticipation. At the left side was a hall, empty and dark and ahead another closed door behind which I could hear faint voices. So that was my target, I thought!

I waited for few moments to gather all the strength I possessed and kicked the door, yelling, “ You bastards…” and as soon I grasped the view ahead, I was dumbfounded.

Around a table three men sat and a lady, I felt I had seen before, in a glimpse. They didn’t move at my command, just looked at me in surprise. Then a tall and commanding looking man raised his hand and ordered me to put down the weapon. This bastard must be Prabhakaran, thought I and I had no desire to obey his command, I opened fire at him without wasting time in arguments, showering abuses too. The other two men got up and tried to hide themselves under the table…trying to say something that I couldn’t hear in my frenzies. I got down and fired at them too and when I realized I just was wasting bullets on the corpses I stopped and breathed hard.



Then I looked at Himani.



Yes…she was Himani and what she was doing out here? Why she was so involved in top rank meets? I glanced at her, still on my knees and through thick curtain of sweat.

She didn’t flinch. So unmoved she was for my sudden attack and killing of her supreme leader.

“ Where is Krishnan?”

She asked me in deep voice that sounded like breathing of a dying man.

I didn’t answer. I kept on gazing at her.

“ You take care of yourself. This is time I must go.” I said softly as initial euphoria was over and ultimate satisfaction earned.

“Yes, you must go. As fast as you can and keep yourself safe…” she said in trance.

“ Yes…I shall go.” And yet so difficult it was to move away from her. I owed her the truth for Krishnan…my soul. And how could I tell her?

“ How did you reach here?”

“ There is a boat in river. It’s yours but I hijacked it.”

She nodded in deep understanding.

“ Now you must rush…no time is left for you…”

She almost yelled at me. I looked at her in disbelief for moments. Her face was contorted with unusual urgency I failed to understand.

I obeyed to her commands and walked out from that room.

The guard spread across the door, still unconscious. The rain was at high pitch. It thundered and exploded from all quarters. I was exhausted. I had had my revenge. Impossible mission I had accomplished. I wished if Krishnan was with me to celebrate victory. But he was now in the realms of Gods. He never could now speak to me and mock out my faiths.

I started towards the jungle in slow pace through the drenching waterfall. The darkness was blinding and I didn’t know whether I had taken right course. The pools of water were making my advance difficult in dark of the night. And still I was holding my gun in alertness.

And it was then when suddenly heavy streams of lights were poured at me. I was so startled and terrified at this unexpected attack; I threw my body on the ground and tried to fire at the sources of the light. Then I realized I could hit nothing and there was suddenly a thick wall of armed men advancing at me. I fired and then cursing I threw my empty gun and started running in opposite direction and then something hot pierced my body many a times and then I collapsed and then I was in the realms of the dark.







When I awoke and with efforts could look around, I thought I just had awakened of the nightmare. Janaki is preparing morning tea for me and I have to think where today I was about to sail with my crew. I in a pleasantries of warm morning tried to change position and a stream of pains exploded yelling at me it was not at all a fine morning after a disastrous dream! I let out a cry, as unbearable pains were intense.

Then again I was in the dark myriad where hounds awaited on me to eat my flesh.

Then when another awakening emerged on me, I felt I was in the deep sea. The bed where I slept was heaving up and down with vicious forces.

All around was darkness. I tried not to move for I knew now that I was wounded. In whose custody was I, I tried to guess. Then I tried to remember what went last before I was dead in deep agonies.

I remembered after hard efforts the scene at the room where I had killed three men including my chief enemy Prabhakaran.

The remembrance made me happy. The pains too were faded for few moments. I was after all victorious. May be they have captured me and now shipping me somewhere away to kill me. But it hardly mattered now. I had my revenge. I had been successful. I had wiped out a dirt from the slate of the mankind.

But if at all I had killed him, who were those that fired at me?

If they were so ready with all those hidden searchlights why they didn’t use them when I entered the premises?

Where were those guards hidden when I walked in?

Why they waited till I could kill that bastard?

The shower of questions I had no answer crashed against my imbecile mind.







New awakening was in fresh light of the day that pleased me.

My body was heavy and covered with so many bandages and with so many scars.

The light was smooth and pleasant, reminding me of life. Any movement I tried exploded floods of pains. And still I sensed someone around and risking the pains I looked at.

She was standing with her back at me, pouring some liquid in the glass.

Her frame was silhouetted against the morning light with intense dreams of Gods.

“ Himani…”

I tried to call her with my mustered strength.

She turned at me. She looked like an angel stepping on this earth from the myriad of soft dreams. She stepped forward at me; her face was full with care. She looked so frail and weak and yet she looked like a deity that was as vast as the ocean.

But what she was doing here too? Why she was there in that secret meeting? Why she is shipping me and nursing me even after the havoc that I caused to her system? Why she asked me to run away and still she captured me or whether this just is a dream and the truth is I am dead?

Nothing came to me.







“ How do you feel now?” She asked and I nodded Okay.

“ I was worried. I wouldn’t wish my efforts and fight go in vain. But now everything is all right. We are safely on the way to somewhere. It was a hard task…and still I had no choice. I had to fight out those guards and bring your unconscious body to the river where you had parked your boat, in the night of heavy rains and in deceitful jungles. I got older as I did so…”

Then she smiled showing her glittering teeth. And still in her smile was shadow of gloom.

So she had saved me. I looked at her in deep gratitude.

“ So Krishnan is dead, isn’t he?” she asked matter-of-factly. I wished the earth swallowed me. I tried to avert her patient inquiring gaze.

“ So he is dead.” She continued her monologue in monotone that was filled with more agonies than one would have expressed through wail. “ I thought so when I saw you walking you in alone. Krishnan never would have allowed you doing so. He was master of minds. He would have sensed his attempted trap was failed and another trap was laid down for him. He was genius.”

“ But I could kill those bastards. That Prtabhakaran…and Kondathaman…” I was excited at my victory.

She nodded in deep sympathy and continued in same monotone,

“ Better if you could succeed in your mission, but alas it is not the case. Don’t ever think Prabhakaran is a fool. He is master of masterminds. They anticipated all the moves you could try and were ready to trap you in all circumstances. In fact he used you by anticipating you would come to the resort where you had organized fake meeting. He was ready and so the preys were ready for you. He let you come in unobstructed only because he could get killed those he wished to kill, and no blame on him. I too was supposed to get killed in this encounter and so I was asked to come there in the afternoon. I knew I was walking in the trap and still was so unaware of what was happening.

“ You think you killed Prabhakaran…Kondathaman and someone else you don’t know about. Have you ever seen Prabhakaran in life? No. You have seen the photos and in the time like that you never know whom you suppose to be is not being the same man. Kondathaman you never have seen in your life I am so sure of. The men you killed were brought there on another fake call that they were going to meet delegates to discuss crisis that has emerged after Shivarasan case and Thyagarajan case. I too was told the same thing. I do not know why they did think I was treacherous…I was always have been so careful…and now I know they knew it. They wanted me to get killed. If you couldn’t have reached there, even in that vase the guards would have killed all of us and blamed you.

“ I think you are perplexed at the complexity of the situations. But for me, the complexities are day-to-day phenomenon. There is nothing straight about anything out here. Everybody is friend of everybody and everybody is an enemy of everybody. Everything they speak is the truth and there exists no truth. LTTE never meant pride of Tamil’s. It always was another power hungry gang being ruled by the powerful powers.

“ The truth no one will ever know. The fact remains that a leader of one country was assassinated mercilessly. The fact remains that your wife was burnt alive. The fact remains that there is going to be political chaos in the Indian subcontinent. Unquenched thirst of the power hunters will carry on its course and will cause hurt to those innocents who dreamed in them a messiah! Alas, this is the world we live in, full of chaos and uncertainty. Deceit and untruth prevails over the values preached by each and one.

“ The truth is truth and it never is truth. We live in the myriad of illusions and most of the people wish to trust what they read and try to praise or refute. But they never desire to come out of the illusions. That is the very reason, as they know psyche of we the people, they never let you have a peace of mind. They keep on disturbing your minds with distracting actions. They have fooled Prabhakaran though he thinks he is a smart man. Only circumstances can survive him in the times to come.

“ I name the names for I was closely involved just like Krishnan in the planning of execution. We were part of it. We thought we were avenging Indian attack on our mission to freedom. I was enraged at the merciless attacks on us from oppressors. And so was the Krishnan. But when the side is changed, you think otherwise. Now I too think, it was a mistake to get carried away with racial outburst and I was involved in wrong mission, but what is use of it now when all is over, life had taken its toll?

“ Who cares then who was one Venugopal who lost his wife in his misfortune? Who is Venugopal after all? Who are then Krishnan and Himani and even Rajiv Gandhi, in course of cruel time? The true rulers always sit behind the dark shrouds. They prefer low profile for then they can enjoy the results of their doings.

“ The world we live in is like this. All your personal ambitions and faiths too are ruled by vague entity you never know about. You just keep on following the new norms of the life thinking this is a new world where new actions are necessary to enact to survive and achieve success over others.

“ And what a mess this all is!

“ The world! What a wicked-wicked society we live in! But all right. They had raped me because they thought my joining to them in vengeance was necessary. They wanted me within them as an infuriated woman to use my best of the brain at their benefit. While doing so they destroyed my dreams and aspirations about the world and my life I waited on so anxiously. They needed me and they had me. They used me and they wished to kill me.

“ But now, alright it is as I cant reenter the past and rectify the past. The only soothing for now is at least we are alive and can experience the magic of dawn. May be one day we reach to the unknown and untouched shores where a virgin beauty of sanity smiles at us and takes us in its forgiving embrace. May be we losing our life and yet it is not as ignorant as of other fellow beings of this earth.

“ You are an innocent man O Venu. You are alive and your living reminds me that you were bound to live. Never thank me. Almighty never deserts his true followers. But then why Krishnan had to die?

“ Don’t tell me for I can understand. He always was a missionary to truth. He risked his life to know and know. Unrest within him was so obvious I sensed whenever I met him. I loved him with the heart and soul. But now nothing can be changed.

“ The fact is all those who think they are going to rule and possess the enormous power to enslave the earth are the temporary existences and shall be defeated by the people like Krishnan and you.

“ The truth is the oppressors of minds, soul and life are bound to fail in course of time, now or later. Why worry then of temporary punishment that the innocents has to undergo? The innocents are meant to be victim then why worry for them and even for you when you yourself are a victim?”







Her voice was at crescendo that bothered me. I had nothing to say or to react. I had enough of the life. The life was being drifted away from me so cruelly that I hardly could believe was it the life I ever loved?

“ It’s alright.” I said in a weak voice. “ Bygone is bygone. I tried my best and it appears now that I have failed. My revenge proved fruitless. They were smarter than I was or even Krishnan. But who is there to account our history? No one, then why worry? Now I am a disillusioned man. Its great that you are alive and so is I. I do not know what tomorrow is bringing upon us.

“ The life always is beautiful and so bewitching that it captures us in its eternal clutches. But then I have seen death. I think now we shan’t discuss anymore what did happen yesterday. Let us forget what those bastards play other ugly with human life. Let us think how we shall lead a better tomorrow, for each and one. I feel sleepy and I need sleep badly. I am so tired….”





And then I was in the dark well of drowsy dreams.









The end!